Oh, hi! Another crossroads!

I've felt stagnant and aimless for a while.  I've been feeling like I need to get back out into the world, but not quite sure how to accomplish that, or what direction to go.  I have a lot of unfinished business with engineering.  I mainly left because I honestly felt like it was that or my marriage.  Not a lot of people understand that, but they also didn't live in my house for the years that I was in school, and working so hard for this thing, and being totally not supported in it at all.

It's hard to go through school for engineering.  It's harder to do it when you have a kid to consider.  It's even harder when you also have a husband who, best case scenario, is deployed, and worst case scenario, is making a ton of work for you at home, not helping at all, and stressing you out by being jealous and insecure about everything you're doing and all the people you're around on a daily basis.  Toward the end, my grades began to slip, and I just had to walk away before I lost my chances at ever being an engineer, and my marriage in the process.  It was not an easy decision, and in retrospect, it probably could have been handled a lot better than it was, but what's done is done.  I walked away, focused on my marriage, had more babies, and was pretty much happy with that choice most days.

Then it hit me about the time Thak got out of the Army.  I am kind of screwed. If he had stayed in the Army, it would be different.  We'd have the means to live decently well as a single income family.  I'd be taken care of for the rest of my life, no matter if I outlive him.  On the outside, that doesn't exist, though.  Looking at how we live, and knowing that we're actually better off than the majority of single income families these days, and seeing how paltry his life insurance policy is (it would sustain us for maybe two years), and knowing that in his retirement plan, there's really nothing for me, it seemed pretty scary.  Add that to the feelings I'd been having of being aimless and stagnant.  I was pretty restless.

There have also been a few strong signs lately that have shown me that I need to start moving in some direction.  A couple weeks ago, I learned of the death of a favorite professor of mine.  In the days that followed, I really got to thinking of all the advice he had ever given me, and all the things he had ever taught me. It lead me to one conclusion.  Potential is worth nothing if it isn't realized.  A boulder at the top of a hill is full to bursting with potential energy, but until some outside force acts upon it, and makes it roll down the hill, releasing all that potential energy, kinetically, that potential energy might as well not be there at all.  It is the initiative, the force, that releases the energy, and makes it accomplish something.

It wasn't long after that, that I got a cookie fortune that said, "It is not too late to change course."  I know, I know.  Nobody in their right mind takes advice from a fortune cookie.  What with the timing, I found it rather apt, and I didn't overlook it.

Then last night, the Curiosity rover landed on Mars.  Thak and I watched the footage of Mission Control live online.  I was so proud that some of the engineers who had worked on the rover were from Georgia Tech, and that one of our professors was there in Mission Control as part of the team.  It was so amazing to see, and at the same time, so bittersweet.  No, I was never in aerospace engineering, but seeing a great accomplishment of engineers, even if they are on a different side of the house than I ever was, has a way of bringing clarity to a situation.

Amazingly, this wasn't lost on Thak, and we talked about all of this.  I told him everything about why I walked away before.  He hadn't known why, really, and I explained it all to him, about how hard it had been for me when I was going through before, and why I felt like I was really put in a position of having to choose.  I was surprised that he didn't yell at me, but actually listened!  He seemed to understand.  He really TRIED to understand, which is a first.  I think that's what really needed to change.  We decided that I am going back to school.

Of course, this cannot happen immediately.  Our budget is ridiculously tight, with no room for childcare expenses, we only have one car, and Thak commutes over 20 miles to work. Going to school on campus cannot happen right away.  For now, there are a couple of upper division math classes that I still need, and one is offered online starting in a few weeks.  I'll be calling tomorrow to sign up for it.  Right now, I am pouring over my Calculus texts like a madwoman, and getting prepared to take that class.  When that's done, I'll take a programming class to brush up on my coding skills.  Once I have done that, it'll be time for Thak to deploy.  That will give us more money to work with, and I can find childcare for Orren and Chai, and begin classes on campus at Georgia Southern, hopefully that summer.  I have reviewed their civil engineering curriculum, and by the time he comes home, I should have one semester to go. With luck, I will take my Professional Engineer's exam in 2014, and then hopefully find a job.

I feel good about this.  It's not going to be easy, but nothing is these days.  It's going to be worth it to get back out there, and this time, on good footing, with a united front.  Before, it all felt so futile, like I was fighting every step of the way, and really, I was.  I was commuting over an hour each way to school (now, it'll only be 30 minutes), getting no help or support at home, and constantly felt like I was under fire.  Now I don't.  Now, I feel like I can do this deliberately and correctly, and finally move forward the right way.  For the first time in a long time, today I felt like I had a purpose.  I'm very nervous.  I don't want to screw this up.  I honestly think this is the right choice, though, and I cannot wait to have my life back.