Monday, July 23, 2012
Pertussis is on the rise, and we aren't vaccinating. Why is that?
First things first, read this.
I can hardly view any social networking site I know of these days without reading a thousand posts from people I know, people I don't know, and people I sort of know, about the current pertussis outbreak. The point of these posts is always the same, though. In a panicked tone, they plead with parents, "GET YOUR KIDS VACCINATED!!!!!!"
I have no plans to get any more of my kids vaccinated for this, or nearly anything else, and while my reasons for that will not strike you as crazy as you may think, providing that you possess some moderate level of deductive reasoning.
First of all, while pharma would like you to believe that the outbreak is because of increasing numbers of unvaccinated kids, most of the cases are in people who have been vaccinated fully. If vaccines do what we're told they do, then why are more vaccinated than unvaccinated people getting pertussis? Because vaccines do not do what we're told they do. They are nowhere near as effective as people think, and I think on some level, the average American parent knows that. I've had people say their kids couldn't play with mine because of our vaccination practices. I always ask them, "Even if my kids had some vaccine preventable disease, wouldn't your kids be protected if they're vaccinated?" It's an honest question, and it usually gets me told off. I think people know that vaccinations aren't as effective as we are lead to believe.
The other thing is, it is highly suspected that the bacteria that causes pertussis is evolving to a new strain not covered by the vaccine. If that's the case, and t could well be, then what would be the point of vaccinating for the old strain that doesn't seem to be causing the problems we're seeing lately.
I'm not telling anyone to stop vaccinating, or to alter their practices in any way. All I'm saying is, before you buy into mass hysteria, think about whether it's even an accurate statement you're making.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Anniversary!
Wouldn't you know it, he was right. While we have definitely been through times that were kind of a disaster, just like Drill Sergeant always said, at the end of the day, we're still here. We've had 6 homes, 2 cross country moves, some babies, and a war, among other things, and if I had to, I'd do all of it again. It isn't always pretty, and it isn't always easy, but it's always worth it.
All the astrology charts show me and Thak as basically the least compatible people ever. We laugh about it, because we are a lot different, but that's why it works. He's my order muppet, I'm his chaos muppet, and we both play a very important role for each other. Every order muppet needs a chaos muppet to keep them on their toes. Every chaos muppet needs an order muppet to keep them level headed (as much as possible anyway!). Look at us in the picture below. I'm in bright orange, he's in black. This is classic Thak and Anna. Separately, he's too dull and I'm too bright, but together, we're perfect. It's just like how he loved our wedding and I thought it sucked. The wedding is one thing that could only be chaos or order, not both, so that's why he got his way on that one, and I didn't feel like there was really any of me in it. Luckily, in everything else in life, there's room for both of our influence, and usually, that turns out pretty great.
Not to mention, we make REALLY cute babies, who are totally chaos muppets just like mommy, and we rock those carriers like nobody's business.
Here's a recent pic of us in Savannah. Yes, it's a blurry picture, but it was taken by an overly excited 8-year-old, using an iPhone, so what do you expect? Plus, we never have pictures with both of us in them anymore, so we take what we can get.
Happy Anniversary, Thak. Here's to many more.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Non-Violent Parenting, what it is, and what it isn't.
I have to step away. On one of the breastfeeding groups I'm in, someone was asking what to do about a 1.5-year-old who hits, and after receiving solid advice about redirection, and reassurance that it's just a phase, someone posted this gem:
"I was spanked as a child and I'm fine. . . if spankings felt good then they wouldn't be a negative reinforcement. To each his own, but I see many children who are not spanked turn into little wildlings :o/ Maybe in their parents eyes they have control, but to the general public they look like little hell raisers being continually "redirected," but ultimately controlling their parents behaviors. And, children are smarter than most give them credit for. But, again, to each his own. I'm definitely not condemning anyone who chooses either way ;o)"
Really? So this person evidently thinks that people who don't spank are raising kids who run all over the place out of control. Please explain to me, then, why our prisons are full of people who were spanked as kids. While spanking, taken independently, would not make a person do something to land themselves in prison, it surely doesn't help the situation. Also, I think we can all think of at least a few families we know who are always spanking their kids, and their kids still act like total crap. Obviously, spanking is not a ticket to better behaved kids. Why anyone thinks it is, is beyond me. The results of it are all around us, and they're not very encouraging.
More than any of that, though, this post highlighted a truth that has been evident for a long time. People simply don't know what discipline that doesn't include spanking even is, or how it would work. So here. I'm going to tell you about a few situations within the past few days, and how we handled them non-violently.
Situation 1:
Kid is running around in a store, starting to get out of control. He grabs something off a shelf. Dad steps in.
What you think is going to happen:
Dad says "Now, Orren, please don't grab things. It isn't nice." and then lets him continue doing what he was doing, every once in a while telling him not to do it, but not really enforcing anything.
What really happened:
Dad picks up kid, hands merchandise he was going to purchase to mom and asks her to stand in the checkout line for him, takes kid out to a bench outside the store to sit down and regroup. Talks about how we behave in stores, and why we can't pull things off shelves or run around, how that stuff is for the playground or home. By the time mom gets to the register, dad and kid have come back into the store, and kid is acting totally fine. Mom and dad both tell kid that he really did a great job being quiet and safe in the store. He's proud of himself, and does it again in the next store they go into.
Situation 2:
Mom tells kid to go get ready for bed. Kid tells mom he's going to put her in time-out.
What you think is going to happen:
Mom says, "Now Orren, we don't talk like that. It isn't nice.", kid laughs, and runs off.
What really happened:
Mom says, "Whoa, buddy! We don't talk like that! I think you need a do-over. Let's start from the part where I ask you to go get ready for bed, and you answer me the right way, ok?" He smiles.
Mom says, "Orren, go ahead and get ready for bed, buddy.", and Orren replies, "Will I get a story after I put my jammies on and brush my teeth?" Yes, of course he will. "Can it be Fergus?" he asks. Of course it can be Fergus. He goes off to pick out some jammies.
Situation 3:
Young toddler climbs up in mom's lap, and bites her.
What you think is going to happen:
Mom says, "No bite", as baby continues to bite her repeatedly.
What really happened:
Mom says, "We don't bite." and puts baby on the floor. He cries, then climbs up in her lap, and bites her again. She puts him on the floor again, telling him that we don't bite. The whole thing happens again, and a couple more times. Eventually, he climbs up in her lap, does not bite, and gets to listen to a story, because little boys who don't bite get to do fun things like that.
I think you see now, we are not really very permissive parents. We have really clear standards, and our kids are expected to meet them. We don't put up with them acting up in public, or talking back to us, or biting, or hitting, or anything else. We try to make our approach age-appropriate, and relevant to the situation. The baby, for example, cannot understand anything other than consistent redirection at his age. The preschool age boy, on the other hand, can very much understand things like being removed from a situation, a "time in" (what some people call our brand of time out), or even having a do-over if he gets mouthy. The do-over thing is new. That's the other thing. We are always having to reevaluate and tailor our approach to both of our boys (and our girl, but she's not home right now) as they learn and grow in their ability to understand more things. Non-violent parenting is not the easy way out that some people think it is. It's complex and ever changing, and it requires a lot out of a parent sometimes. It's worth it, though. So many studies have shown that spanking is bad for kids. Some countries have even made it illegal. There are so many better ways to discipline a kid that actually teach them something other than, "if I don't act right, my parent will hurt me".
"I was spanked as a child and I'm fine. . . if spankings felt good then they wouldn't be a negative reinforcement. To each his own, but I see many children who are not spanked turn into little wildlings :o/ Maybe in their parents eyes they have control, but to the general public they look like little hell raisers being continually "redirected," but ultimately controlling their parents behaviors. And, children are smarter than most give them credit for. But, again, to each his own. I'm definitely not condemning anyone who chooses either way ;o)"
Really? So this person evidently thinks that people who don't spank are raising kids who run all over the place out of control. Please explain to me, then, why our prisons are full of people who were spanked as kids. While spanking, taken independently, would not make a person do something to land themselves in prison, it surely doesn't help the situation. Also, I think we can all think of at least a few families we know who are always spanking their kids, and their kids still act like total crap. Obviously, spanking is not a ticket to better behaved kids. Why anyone thinks it is, is beyond me. The results of it are all around us, and they're not very encouraging.
More than any of that, though, this post highlighted a truth that has been evident for a long time. People simply don't know what discipline that doesn't include spanking even is, or how it would work. So here. I'm going to tell you about a few situations within the past few days, and how we handled them non-violently.
Situation 1:
Kid is running around in a store, starting to get out of control. He grabs something off a shelf. Dad steps in.
What you think is going to happen:
Dad says "Now, Orren, please don't grab things. It isn't nice." and then lets him continue doing what he was doing, every once in a while telling him not to do it, but not really enforcing anything.
What really happened:
Dad picks up kid, hands merchandise he was going to purchase to mom and asks her to stand in the checkout line for him, takes kid out to a bench outside the store to sit down and regroup. Talks about how we behave in stores, and why we can't pull things off shelves or run around, how that stuff is for the playground or home. By the time mom gets to the register, dad and kid have come back into the store, and kid is acting totally fine. Mom and dad both tell kid that he really did a great job being quiet and safe in the store. He's proud of himself, and does it again in the next store they go into.
Situation 2:
Mom tells kid to go get ready for bed. Kid tells mom he's going to put her in time-out.
What you think is going to happen:
Mom says, "Now Orren, we don't talk like that. It isn't nice.", kid laughs, and runs off.
What really happened:
Mom says, "Whoa, buddy! We don't talk like that! I think you need a do-over. Let's start from the part where I ask you to go get ready for bed, and you answer me the right way, ok?" He smiles.
Mom says, "Orren, go ahead and get ready for bed, buddy.", and Orren replies, "Will I get a story after I put my jammies on and brush my teeth?" Yes, of course he will. "Can it be Fergus?" he asks. Of course it can be Fergus. He goes off to pick out some jammies.
Situation 3:
Young toddler climbs up in mom's lap, and bites her.
What you think is going to happen:
Mom says, "No bite", as baby continues to bite her repeatedly.
What really happened:
Mom says, "We don't bite." and puts baby on the floor. He cries, then climbs up in her lap, and bites her again. She puts him on the floor again, telling him that we don't bite. The whole thing happens again, and a couple more times. Eventually, he climbs up in her lap, does not bite, and gets to listen to a story, because little boys who don't bite get to do fun things like that.
I think you see now, we are not really very permissive parents. We have really clear standards, and our kids are expected to meet them. We don't put up with them acting up in public, or talking back to us, or biting, or hitting, or anything else. We try to make our approach age-appropriate, and relevant to the situation. The baby, for example, cannot understand anything other than consistent redirection at his age. The preschool age boy, on the other hand, can very much understand things like being removed from a situation, a "time in" (what some people call our brand of time out), or even having a do-over if he gets mouthy. The do-over thing is new. That's the other thing. We are always having to reevaluate and tailor our approach to both of our boys (and our girl, but she's not home right now) as they learn and grow in their ability to understand more things. Non-violent parenting is not the easy way out that some people think it is. It's complex and ever changing, and it requires a lot out of a parent sometimes. It's worth it, though. So many studies have shown that spanking is bad for kids. Some countries have even made it illegal. There are so many better ways to discipline a kid that actually teach them something other than, "if I don't act right, my parent will hurt me".
Look! We can grow tomatoes!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
How to vote, and not screw yourself over in the process
Ah, it's an election year! Time for everyone to polarize, sling mud, make false accusations, and insinuate that people who don't agree with them are definitely responsible for the downfall of this country. Isn't it grand this thing we do every four years here in the land of apple pie and baseball? I understand how hard it can be to wade through the mud that everyone else is slinging, so I'm going to break this down quick and easy for all you people who might be confused about how to vote. I'm not going to tell you who to vote for. I'm going to tell you how to decide. Remember, everything here is opinion. I don't claim it to be anything else. Anyway, without further ado, here's my version of how to cast a vote and not totally screw yourself over in the process.
First of all, look at who you are, what demographic you fit into, and what issues might pertain to you either directly or indirectly. I, for example, am female, 30 years old, have three children, and a husband who is in the military (Reserves). I am also a veteran, a gun owner, and hoping to be a land owner and organic farmer sometime in the not so distant future.
Let's pick this apart and see what interest groups I fall into:
Woman
Mother
Military/Veteran
Gun Owner
Possibly needs a mortgage
Possibly family farmer
Let's look at the issues that pertain to each of these. (One of those story web graphs you learned back in school could be handy here). For mine, we'll just do three.
Woman:
Reproductive rights
Healthcare
Mother:
Schools
Healthcare
Military/Veteran:
War in Afghanistan
War in other places??
VA
OK, so now we see that the issues that are going to impact my life the most are reproductive rights, healthcare, education, war, and veterans' benefits. Now, I need to figure out where I stand on all these issues.
Reproductive rights:
Uphold Roe vs Wade. I hope to never have to use the freedoms it grants, but it would hugely chip away at women's rights for Roe to be overturned. Not to mention, it would result in unsafe healthcare for many women all over the nation. Roe must stay. We also need better access to contraception, even to minors, without parental consent. Planned Parenthood is a vital and important part of that, and it needs support. Abstinence Only education in schools is inadequate. Homebirth midwives must be licensed to practice in all states. We also need greater maternity leave so that working mothers have a better shot at breastfeeding.
Healthcare:
Obamacare must stand. There are parts of it I absolutely despise, but the fact that insurance companies can no longer turn people away for preexisting conditions, and cannot drop people from coverage for no reason, is reason enough to keep it. I also would like to see increased pressure on health insurance companies to cover things like homebirth, birth center birth, and high quality breastpumps. I would like to see that nobody uses the ER as their primary care physician anymore, that there is an alternative to that. I would also like to see WIC stop providing formula for those who are getting it without medical need, as this would drive the cost of formula down, and promote breastfeeding, thus resulting in a healthier nation on the whole.
Military/Veteran:
The wars must end. The VA must be funded. Better programs for female veterans must be put into place. Continue to improve programs for veterans with PTSD and related issues. Extend standards for Purple Heart medal to include veterans with PTSD. Clarify VA disability rating standards, and make the process easier to navigate for new vets (or their thoroughly confused spouses... LOL).
So now that I know where I stand on important issues, I can start to get a better idea of what candidates would suit me the best. Then I can narrow it down based on voting records and past bills sponsored/vetoed/signed in. Then hopefully, by the time I reach the voting booth in November, I will know exactly who represents me the best.
I recommend everybody do the same. Voting for some political party because your parents do is crazy. Voting for whoever pays the most lip service to some issue is sometimes misguided. (Military people, I'm looking at you. Those Republicans will give us all the pretty things and pay raises our hearts desire, but they send us into unjust wars and some of us die. Is it worth it?)
Don't even get me going on values voting. It may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. I swear, every time I hear some guy who lives in a trailer park say he's voting Republican because they're pro-life, I want to scream, because sure, they're pro-life, but they also are going to tax the crap out of him, make sure his standard of living doesn't improve at all, and might even go down, while padding their bank accounts on the results of his hard work. You don't want to do that. The fact is, there are a lot of people out there who want nothing more than a bunch more cogs for their machine, and get them with ease by playing to the values voting crowd, leading them like lambs to the slaughter.
I'll say, the major two parties are both full of problems, but I think, for each of us, we can figure out some candidate, be they major party or smaller party, that will suit our needs well enough to earn our vote. I also think it's important to understand how our political system works. Learn how the parties work, how the electoral votes are distributed, and what your vote actually does when it leaves your hands at the ballot box. This could sway you from choosing the best fit for you over all, to the best fit from one of the major parties, or the other way around. You absolutely must understand our political process before you vote. To do otherwise is to go off half cocked.
We have this cool thing called democracy here, but unfortunately, I see a lot of people just totally making a mess out of it because they simply don't know how to use it. My hope is that before this next election, people will educate themselves.
Also, don't vote for Mitt Romney. He big time sucks. <---- Opinion. But if you decide to heed it, I won't complain.
First of all, look at who you are, what demographic you fit into, and what issues might pertain to you either directly or indirectly. I, for example, am female, 30 years old, have three children, and a husband who is in the military (Reserves). I am also a veteran, a gun owner, and hoping to be a land owner and organic farmer sometime in the not so distant future.
Let's pick this apart and see what interest groups I fall into:
Woman
Mother
Military/Veteran
Gun Owner
Possibly needs a mortgage
Possibly family farmer
Let's look at the issues that pertain to each of these. (One of those story web graphs you learned back in school could be handy here). For mine, we'll just do three.
Woman:
Reproductive rights
Healthcare
Mother:
Schools
Healthcare
Military/Veteran:
War in Afghanistan
War in other places??
VA
OK, so now we see that the issues that are going to impact my life the most are reproductive rights, healthcare, education, war, and veterans' benefits. Now, I need to figure out where I stand on all these issues.
Reproductive rights:
Uphold Roe vs Wade. I hope to never have to use the freedoms it grants, but it would hugely chip away at women's rights for Roe to be overturned. Not to mention, it would result in unsafe healthcare for many women all over the nation. Roe must stay. We also need better access to contraception, even to minors, without parental consent. Planned Parenthood is a vital and important part of that, and it needs support. Abstinence Only education in schools is inadequate. Homebirth midwives must be licensed to practice in all states. We also need greater maternity leave so that working mothers have a better shot at breastfeeding.
Healthcare:
Obamacare must stand. There are parts of it I absolutely despise, but the fact that insurance companies can no longer turn people away for preexisting conditions, and cannot drop people from coverage for no reason, is reason enough to keep it. I also would like to see increased pressure on health insurance companies to cover things like homebirth, birth center birth, and high quality breastpumps. I would like to see that nobody uses the ER as their primary care physician anymore, that there is an alternative to that. I would also like to see WIC stop providing formula for those who are getting it without medical need, as this would drive the cost of formula down, and promote breastfeeding, thus resulting in a healthier nation on the whole.
Military/Veteran:
The wars must end. The VA must be funded. Better programs for female veterans must be put into place. Continue to improve programs for veterans with PTSD and related issues. Extend standards for Purple Heart medal to include veterans with PTSD. Clarify VA disability rating standards, and make the process easier to navigate for new vets (or their thoroughly confused spouses... LOL).
So now that I know where I stand on important issues, I can start to get a better idea of what candidates would suit me the best. Then I can narrow it down based on voting records and past bills sponsored/vetoed/signed in. Then hopefully, by the time I reach the voting booth in November, I will know exactly who represents me the best.
I recommend everybody do the same. Voting for some political party because your parents do is crazy. Voting for whoever pays the most lip service to some issue is sometimes misguided. (Military people, I'm looking at you. Those Republicans will give us all the pretty things and pay raises our hearts desire, but they send us into unjust wars and some of us die. Is it worth it?)
Don't even get me going on values voting. It may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. I swear, every time I hear some guy who lives in a trailer park say he's voting Republican because they're pro-life, I want to scream, because sure, they're pro-life, but they also are going to tax the crap out of him, make sure his standard of living doesn't improve at all, and might even go down, while padding their bank accounts on the results of his hard work. You don't want to do that. The fact is, there are a lot of people out there who want nothing more than a bunch more cogs for their machine, and get them with ease by playing to the values voting crowd, leading them like lambs to the slaughter.
I'll say, the major two parties are both full of problems, but I think, for each of us, we can figure out some candidate, be they major party or smaller party, that will suit our needs well enough to earn our vote. I also think it's important to understand how our political system works. Learn how the parties work, how the electoral votes are distributed, and what your vote actually does when it leaves your hands at the ballot box. This could sway you from choosing the best fit for you over all, to the best fit from one of the major parties, or the other way around. You absolutely must understand our political process before you vote. To do otherwise is to go off half cocked.
We have this cool thing called democracy here, but unfortunately, I see a lot of people just totally making a mess out of it because they simply don't know how to use it. My hope is that before this next election, people will educate themselves.
Also, don't vote for Mitt Romney. He big time sucks. <---- Opinion. But if you decide to heed it, I won't complain.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I seriously want to move.
Not that our place is particularly bad. It isn't. There's just one thing I totally hate about it, and it's not the fact that it's convenient to absolutely nothing. It's the fact that they pop in whenever they damned well please. When we moved in, they said they did pest control on the third Thursday of every other month. We asked if we could refuse it, because we didn't want the chemicals, but they said no. OK, fair enough, third Thursday, every other month. Got it.
Now, as one might imagine, with 5 people in a 2 BR apartment, our life is pretty much a hot mess more times than not. This is the fact of the matter. I don't like it, no. I think it sucks. I wish we still had a house that fit us, but the fact is, nobody with one of those would lease to us, or we couldn't afford it, so we have this, and our life is a mess. I can make it look passable for a few minutes given warning, but mostly, it's a mess. You do 5 people's laundry without a laundry room and tell me it doesn't invade your entire hallway. You cook for 5 people in a kitchen the same size as the one in the place you lived as a freshman in college, and tell me how long it stays clean. You attempt to scale down from 3 BR and a two car garage to 2 BR and no storage at all, and tell me how well it goes for you. Yes, I've been here a few months, and reasonably should be settled in, but it's not that simple. I can't just get rid of a majority of my worldly possessions, and call it good in order to fit this place.
So anyway, they pop in this morning (Note that it is NOT the third Thursday of the month), totally unannounced to do the pest control, and the place is a total wreck, I'm not even really dressed, and Orren was running around naked. I was actually starting some cleaning when they came, but it was so early in the morning, and Chai nursed all night, so I'm tired, and just starting for the day, and if I'd made any progress, you sure couldn't tell. It's like that. Well, the manager comes in, and is like, "You've got a lot to do." Yeah, I know. Fuck you, lady. Fuck you. I'm doing my best. Just spray your disgusting poison that I don't want anywhere near me or my kids, and go. I'm so over this. You shouldn't be able to just pop in whenever you want. What do you expect? I don't know anyone with three kids, and their family essentially shoved in a shoe box, who keeps their home inspection-ready. It's almost like one of Drill Sergeant's impossible tasks from back in Basic. "YOU! SHOVE THIS FAMILY INTO THIS SHOEBOX SIZED APARTMENT AND KEEP THAT SHIT INSPECTION READY!!" Yeah... not happening.
I am so looking forward to not living here anymore, although who knows when that will happen.... Not so I can just not clean. It's not that at all. No, to be honest, I will just really appreciate the privilege of not having to let people into my home, completely unannounced, whenever they want, whether I am in any condition to have guests or not. And now I have about a ton of stuff to do, because I'm always paranoid that people are going to call the authorities about these things. (That's what I get for spending a few years living on post, where people actually do that stuff.)
Now, as one might imagine, with 5 people in a 2 BR apartment, our life is pretty much a hot mess more times than not. This is the fact of the matter. I don't like it, no. I think it sucks. I wish we still had a house that fit us, but the fact is, nobody with one of those would lease to us, or we couldn't afford it, so we have this, and our life is a mess. I can make it look passable for a few minutes given warning, but mostly, it's a mess. You do 5 people's laundry without a laundry room and tell me it doesn't invade your entire hallway. You cook for 5 people in a kitchen the same size as the one in the place you lived as a freshman in college, and tell me how long it stays clean. You attempt to scale down from 3 BR and a two car garage to 2 BR and no storage at all, and tell me how well it goes for you. Yes, I've been here a few months, and reasonably should be settled in, but it's not that simple. I can't just get rid of a majority of my worldly possessions, and call it good in order to fit this place.
So anyway, they pop in this morning (Note that it is NOT the third Thursday of the month), totally unannounced to do the pest control, and the place is a total wreck, I'm not even really dressed, and Orren was running around naked. I was actually starting some cleaning when they came, but it was so early in the morning, and Chai nursed all night, so I'm tired, and just starting for the day, and if I'd made any progress, you sure couldn't tell. It's like that. Well, the manager comes in, and is like, "You've got a lot to do." Yeah, I know. Fuck you, lady. Fuck you. I'm doing my best. Just spray your disgusting poison that I don't want anywhere near me or my kids, and go. I'm so over this. You shouldn't be able to just pop in whenever you want. What do you expect? I don't know anyone with three kids, and their family essentially shoved in a shoe box, who keeps their home inspection-ready. It's almost like one of Drill Sergeant's impossible tasks from back in Basic. "YOU! SHOVE THIS FAMILY INTO THIS SHOEBOX SIZED APARTMENT AND KEEP THAT SHIT INSPECTION READY!!" Yeah... not happening.
I am so looking forward to not living here anymore, although who knows when that will happen.... Not so I can just not clean. It's not that at all. No, to be honest, I will just really appreciate the privilege of not having to let people into my home, completely unannounced, whenever they want, whether I am in any condition to have guests or not. And now I have about a ton of stuff to do, because I'm always paranoid that people are going to call the authorities about these things. (That's what I get for spending a few years living on post, where people actually do that stuff.)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
It's all so simple to be well off, right?
The Army preaches it. The "experts" preach it. Your high school Life Management Skills or Economics teacher preached it. Every condescending jerk you know preaches it the loudest of all. It's the cliche financial advice we've all grown up on here in the good old USA.
"Live within your means. If you don't have enough money, you need to cut out extravagance."
"If you save, you'll be able to handle any emergency."
"Work hard and spend wisely. That'll get you where you want to be."
And the condescending jerk would say, "People who don't have enough money are that way because they were stupid. Stop blowing all your money on smokes, booze, and junk food, and you won't have these problems anymore."
We all grew up on this, or some version of this. Be smart, do well. Then it's usually followed up with some story about how your grandfather stepped off the boat from whatever country with absolutely nothing, and started a business that is now a Fortune 500 company because he worked hard, and was smart with his money. It's a simple yet iconic principle, and the absolute foundation of our lives here in the US. I don't care who you are, you have internalized this concept to some degree, in some form. It's the American dream, life in the land of opportunity. The world is our oyster. Every American kid grew up knowing that, and if you ever forgot, someone would remind you.
What happens when it all crashes down, though, even though you did everything right? Plenty of people will assume it's because you were stupid, or did something wrong. The group consensus will be that you definitely deserved what you got. What if you didn't, though? What if you did everything right, and it all still fell? What if you had a bigger savings balance than most people you knew, invested wisely in precious metals (way more secure than stocks these days), and had cut out all but the very basics (no TV, eating beans and rice 7 days a week) and it still wasn't enough? What if your husband worked 60 hours a week (although the way his job paid, he'd see pay for maybe 30 of those hours), and still didn't bring in enough to pay but 1/3 of the bills? What if he did everything he could to get a better job, even if it was in the oil fields, or a copper mine, or Afghanistan, and none of that stuff panned out right away? What if you sold everything of value except family heirlooms and your ring that he just wouldn't let you part with, and while it tided you over for a while, it didn't take long for things to get right back to as bad as they were? Are you still a stupid, irresponsible person, who deserved what they got?
Thak and I, and our three babies, have been through a lot in the past year, and I just think it's time to say something about some of the popular misconceptions. First of all, beliefs-wise, we are mostly Libertarian. We believe in personal responsibility, and individual liberty, and don't want the government in our lives if at all possible. That's why we never got things like food stamps, medicaid, or public housing. We believed, and still believe, very strongly, that we absolutely need(ed) to fix our situation ourselves. We are not a drain on society any more than anyone else, and I am not, in any way, shape, or form, defending welfare mentality.
The offense that landed us where we were, was Thak deciding that three tours in a bullshit war our government should never have waged, was more than enough, and getting out of the Army. In retrospect, I should have told him how stupid I thought that decision was all along, but I didn't, and he, who had been military affiliated all his life (and a soldier for over half of it), stepped out into the civilian world totally unprepared for what it had in store. Yes, the Army has classes for that, but no amount of preparation will truly do the job for someone who has literally never been fully civilian a day in his 36 years on the planet. The job he had when he got out, which was actually a very good job compared to most in our city (and many other cities) only paid 1/3 of our bills, and our savings kept us afloat for a while. When you're pulling 2/3 of your expenses each month out of savings, though, it really doesn't last long, no matter how much you had in there. We couldn't afford our house, and we couldn't afford to move, because on what he was making, there's no way anyone would lease to us, and we couldn't afford a deposit anyway. We could sell our cars, yes, but the public transit system in our city was so bad that we wouldn't have been able to effectively rely on it. Not to mention, the auto selling market there was horrible, with vehicles generally going for well below book value. We tried to sell the truck. It did not go well.
Instead, we cut out everything but the very basics. We didn't have TV, and for a long time, we only had internet because someone on our block left their WiFi unsecured. We didn't have phones for a while either, although we really tried to keep some form of phone on because Thak was looking for another job, and people had to be able to reach him. For a while, I was completely cut off from the outside world. I had no phone, no internet, no TV. It would be really easy to say, "Well, our grandparents lived like that and were fine!" but these days, if your friends can't get in touch with you via social network or text message, and you can't spare the gas to go visit anyone, it isn't long before people start to just forget about you. Our culture isn't conducive to having no way to reach the outside world. It was 100 years ago, but a lot has changed between now and then. Everyone loves to hold other people to old standards, but it's not really that simple.
We ate beans and rice, and whatever we could grow in that hard desert climate (squash and peppers mostly), and we survived minute to minute, always fearing a knock on the door, because it was never good news. Either the electricity was being turned off, the water was being turned off, we were losing our house, or the truck was being repossessed. I think that was the worst part, and it's one thing Thak will never truly understand. He was always at work when this stuff happened. I was on the front lines in that fight. The people who come to do those jobs treat you like the scum of the earth, and I always wanted to say, "I'm not scum. I'm the wife of a soldier who served three tours in Iraq, and I'm a veteran, too. We are just trying to survive out here. No, my husband isn't here, because he's working about 60 hours a week. We don't want to skip out on our bills, we're trying so hard to pay, and if you gave us just 3 more days, you'd have your money." (They always came right before payday.) Not that it would have mattered. I just couldn't stand the way they looked at me, like I wasn't quite human, like this was definitely my fault, that I was the enemy.
I think it's very uncomfortable for people to see, hear, or read this kind of thing. If you've made it this far, you're better than most people. I think people want to believe that these things only happen to people who are totally messed up and stupid because they don't want to believe it can happen to them. I'm not saying it will happen to anyone else. I hope it doesn't. I think it sucks that it happens to anyone. The idea is, though, it CAN happen to anybody, and that is an uncomfortable truth to live with.
I would also point out that it can happen anywhere. I read something recently about the so-called "hidden poor" in the suburbs of a lot of cities. Basically, it was people who live in nice neighborhoods, and everything looks good on the outside, but just below the surface, it's all falling apart. That's how it was for us. We had a nice house in a very popular neighborhood. We drove nice cars. We looked like anybody else on the outside, but if you looked a little closer, you'd see that the nice exterior was hiding a lot. I honestly think if more people saw the reality of this kind of thing, and realized that it's not the result of people buying stuff they can't afford, but by losing the ability to afford the stuff they already have, we'd see a very different attitude toward this whole thing. It would be seen as unfortunate when people fall on hard times, not the result of some lack of common sense like it is seen now. I think a lot of people don't want to really know how bad the economy has gotten, and by dismissing the things that have happened to people as a result of this economy, as the result of their own stupidity, they can probably sleep a little better at night. It is, indeed, an uncomfortable truth.
There is a happy ending for us. Thak got a job with a firm that is paying him very nicely, nowhere near what the Army did, but better than the average American worker. We moved to the middle of nowhere, and shoved our family of five people and three animals, plus all the stuff that comes with an 8 year marriage, into a 2 BR apartment. We sold the truck for more than we owed on it, because here, vehicles go for more than they did in our old city. We share my car, which is very fuel-efficient, and that's a good thing since we live about 30 miles from the airfield Thak works at. We are trying to catch up, and doing ok. There may not be any trips to Key West on the horizon, but we have enough to eat, and it's really good food; And these days if someone knocks on the door, it's always a neighbor either asking if Erin can come play, or for Thak's help fixing something.
We have found our way out. There are a lot of others who have not. I find it irresponsible to turn a blind eye to the reasons this is happening. A lot of people are struggling, not because they are stupid and irresponsible, but because this economy is ridiculous. We need to focus on fixing it, and helping those individuals when we have the opportunity to do that, instead of lecturing them on saving for a rainy day and living within their means. A lot of them already know that stuff. What they need, is their electric bill paid, internet to find a better job, or something filling to eat. Be aware. Help where you can. That's the only way it'll get better.
"Live within your means. If you don't have enough money, you need to cut out extravagance."
"If you save, you'll be able to handle any emergency."
"Work hard and spend wisely. That'll get you where you want to be."
And the condescending jerk would say, "People who don't have enough money are that way because they were stupid. Stop blowing all your money on smokes, booze, and junk food, and you won't have these problems anymore."
We all grew up on this, or some version of this. Be smart, do well. Then it's usually followed up with some story about how your grandfather stepped off the boat from whatever country with absolutely nothing, and started a business that is now a Fortune 500 company because he worked hard, and was smart with his money. It's a simple yet iconic principle, and the absolute foundation of our lives here in the US. I don't care who you are, you have internalized this concept to some degree, in some form. It's the American dream, life in the land of opportunity. The world is our oyster. Every American kid grew up knowing that, and if you ever forgot, someone would remind you.
What happens when it all crashes down, though, even though you did everything right? Plenty of people will assume it's because you were stupid, or did something wrong. The group consensus will be that you definitely deserved what you got. What if you didn't, though? What if you did everything right, and it all still fell? What if you had a bigger savings balance than most people you knew, invested wisely in precious metals (way more secure than stocks these days), and had cut out all but the very basics (no TV, eating beans and rice 7 days a week) and it still wasn't enough? What if your husband worked 60 hours a week (although the way his job paid, he'd see pay for maybe 30 of those hours), and still didn't bring in enough to pay but 1/3 of the bills? What if he did everything he could to get a better job, even if it was in the oil fields, or a copper mine, or Afghanistan, and none of that stuff panned out right away? What if you sold everything of value except family heirlooms and your ring that he just wouldn't let you part with, and while it tided you over for a while, it didn't take long for things to get right back to as bad as they were? Are you still a stupid, irresponsible person, who deserved what they got?
Thak and I, and our three babies, have been through a lot in the past year, and I just think it's time to say something about some of the popular misconceptions. First of all, beliefs-wise, we are mostly Libertarian. We believe in personal responsibility, and individual liberty, and don't want the government in our lives if at all possible. That's why we never got things like food stamps, medicaid, or public housing. We believed, and still believe, very strongly, that we absolutely need(ed) to fix our situation ourselves. We are not a drain on society any more than anyone else, and I am not, in any way, shape, or form, defending welfare mentality.
The offense that landed us where we were, was Thak deciding that three tours in a bullshit war our government should never have waged, was more than enough, and getting out of the Army. In retrospect, I should have told him how stupid I thought that decision was all along, but I didn't, and he, who had been military affiliated all his life (and a soldier for over half of it), stepped out into the civilian world totally unprepared for what it had in store. Yes, the Army has classes for that, but no amount of preparation will truly do the job for someone who has literally never been fully civilian a day in his 36 years on the planet. The job he had when he got out, which was actually a very good job compared to most in our city (and many other cities) only paid 1/3 of our bills, and our savings kept us afloat for a while. When you're pulling 2/3 of your expenses each month out of savings, though, it really doesn't last long, no matter how much you had in there. We couldn't afford our house, and we couldn't afford to move, because on what he was making, there's no way anyone would lease to us, and we couldn't afford a deposit anyway. We could sell our cars, yes, but the public transit system in our city was so bad that we wouldn't have been able to effectively rely on it. Not to mention, the auto selling market there was horrible, with vehicles generally going for well below book value. We tried to sell the truck. It did not go well.
Instead, we cut out everything but the very basics. We didn't have TV, and for a long time, we only had internet because someone on our block left their WiFi unsecured. We didn't have phones for a while either, although we really tried to keep some form of phone on because Thak was looking for another job, and people had to be able to reach him. For a while, I was completely cut off from the outside world. I had no phone, no internet, no TV. It would be really easy to say, "Well, our grandparents lived like that and were fine!" but these days, if your friends can't get in touch with you via social network or text message, and you can't spare the gas to go visit anyone, it isn't long before people start to just forget about you. Our culture isn't conducive to having no way to reach the outside world. It was 100 years ago, but a lot has changed between now and then. Everyone loves to hold other people to old standards, but it's not really that simple.
We ate beans and rice, and whatever we could grow in that hard desert climate (squash and peppers mostly), and we survived minute to minute, always fearing a knock on the door, because it was never good news. Either the electricity was being turned off, the water was being turned off, we were losing our house, or the truck was being repossessed. I think that was the worst part, and it's one thing Thak will never truly understand. He was always at work when this stuff happened. I was on the front lines in that fight. The people who come to do those jobs treat you like the scum of the earth, and I always wanted to say, "I'm not scum. I'm the wife of a soldier who served three tours in Iraq, and I'm a veteran, too. We are just trying to survive out here. No, my husband isn't here, because he's working about 60 hours a week. We don't want to skip out on our bills, we're trying so hard to pay, and if you gave us just 3 more days, you'd have your money." (They always came right before payday.) Not that it would have mattered. I just couldn't stand the way they looked at me, like I wasn't quite human, like this was definitely my fault, that I was the enemy.
I think it's very uncomfortable for people to see, hear, or read this kind of thing. If you've made it this far, you're better than most people. I think people want to believe that these things only happen to people who are totally messed up and stupid because they don't want to believe it can happen to them. I'm not saying it will happen to anyone else. I hope it doesn't. I think it sucks that it happens to anyone. The idea is, though, it CAN happen to anybody, and that is an uncomfortable truth to live with.
I would also point out that it can happen anywhere. I read something recently about the so-called "hidden poor" in the suburbs of a lot of cities. Basically, it was people who live in nice neighborhoods, and everything looks good on the outside, but just below the surface, it's all falling apart. That's how it was for us. We had a nice house in a very popular neighborhood. We drove nice cars. We looked like anybody else on the outside, but if you looked a little closer, you'd see that the nice exterior was hiding a lot. I honestly think if more people saw the reality of this kind of thing, and realized that it's not the result of people buying stuff they can't afford, but by losing the ability to afford the stuff they already have, we'd see a very different attitude toward this whole thing. It would be seen as unfortunate when people fall on hard times, not the result of some lack of common sense like it is seen now. I think a lot of people don't want to really know how bad the economy has gotten, and by dismissing the things that have happened to people as a result of this economy, as the result of their own stupidity, they can probably sleep a little better at night. It is, indeed, an uncomfortable truth.
There is a happy ending for us. Thak got a job with a firm that is paying him very nicely, nowhere near what the Army did, but better than the average American worker. We moved to the middle of nowhere, and shoved our family of five people and three animals, plus all the stuff that comes with an 8 year marriage, into a 2 BR apartment. We sold the truck for more than we owed on it, because here, vehicles go for more than they did in our old city. We share my car, which is very fuel-efficient, and that's a good thing since we live about 30 miles from the airfield Thak works at. We are trying to catch up, and doing ok. There may not be any trips to Key West on the horizon, but we have enough to eat, and it's really good food; And these days if someone knocks on the door, it's always a neighbor either asking if Erin can come play, or for Thak's help fixing something.
We have found our way out. There are a lot of others who have not. I find it irresponsible to turn a blind eye to the reasons this is happening. A lot of people are struggling, not because they are stupid and irresponsible, but because this economy is ridiculous. We need to focus on fixing it, and helping those individuals when we have the opportunity to do that, instead of lecturing them on saving for a rainy day and living within their means. A lot of them already know that stuff. What they need, is their electric bill paid, internet to find a better job, or something filling to eat. Be aware. Help where you can. That's the only way it'll get better.
Monday, July 9, 2012
I think, therefore I am, non-religious.
My local natural parenting group is making my brain hurt. Some girl was having issues with a really high strung 3-year-old, and everyone kept telling her to spank because Jesus said it was ok, and the Bible this, and the Bible that. I honestly thought they were joking. They had to be, right? Nobody actually takes this stuff literally, right? I mean, that would be completely devoid of logic and reason. They cannot possibly be for real. Then I realized, they were dead serious, and I died a little inside.
One girl, who is actually our pediatrician's daughter, mentioned that in our area, there really isn't an AP contingent. It's mostly religious based parenting, and that the natural thing extends primarily to just breastfeeding and buying organic foods, and might extend as far as alternative vaccination practices, and in rare cases, non-hospital birthing, but the parenting practices themselves are pretty much straight Bible based. Again, I died a little inside.
You know that feeling when you know you fit or don't fit into a place? Like, in El Paso, when I was in Pro's Ranch Market, doing my shopping, and realized I hadn't spoken a word of English outside my home that day, and was doing just fine moving among the locals, being totally accepted, and actually enjoying myself. At that moment, I knew I was a fit for El Paso. There were some things I didn't like about it, sure. I could have done with some green grass, and without the drug cartels, but all in all, El Paso welcomed me, and I had community there which I have never had at any other time in my entire adult life. From Erin's school, to my AP group, to other activists to do activist things with, to my belly dance troupe, El Paso was my kind of place. I think this was my moment where I realized I'll always be a square peg, and this place, a round hole. My entire philosophy on life is categorically opposite of the group consensus of this place. What these people say as dead serious advice is the exact same stuff that has been known to come from my mouth when I'm joking. I just can't take it seriously. It's too ridiculous.
We have found good food here. We have found a place to live. We could get land really cheap. All of this could happen. I just don't know if I want it to. I don't know that I really want to live the rest of my life as an outsider. I do know we won't be going back to El Paso, even though I'd love to. Thak would never do that. I just wonder if we wouldn't do better closer to Atlanta, or Ashville, NC, or somewhere else with a greater variety of people and more of an alternative crowd. We're here for now, and we'll be here a few years while Thak is with the firm, but I don't think I can stay here for the rest of my life. Today was my lightbulb moment.
One girl, who is actually our pediatrician's daughter, mentioned that in our area, there really isn't an AP contingent. It's mostly religious based parenting, and that the natural thing extends primarily to just breastfeeding and buying organic foods, and might extend as far as alternative vaccination practices, and in rare cases, non-hospital birthing, but the parenting practices themselves are pretty much straight Bible based. Again, I died a little inside.
You know that feeling when you know you fit or don't fit into a place? Like, in El Paso, when I was in Pro's Ranch Market, doing my shopping, and realized I hadn't spoken a word of English outside my home that day, and was doing just fine moving among the locals, being totally accepted, and actually enjoying myself. At that moment, I knew I was a fit for El Paso. There were some things I didn't like about it, sure. I could have done with some green grass, and without the drug cartels, but all in all, El Paso welcomed me, and I had community there which I have never had at any other time in my entire adult life. From Erin's school, to my AP group, to other activists to do activist things with, to my belly dance troupe, El Paso was my kind of place. I think this was my moment where I realized I'll always be a square peg, and this place, a round hole. My entire philosophy on life is categorically opposite of the group consensus of this place. What these people say as dead serious advice is the exact same stuff that has been known to come from my mouth when I'm joking. I just can't take it seriously. It's too ridiculous.
We have found good food here. We have found a place to live. We could get land really cheap. All of this could happen. I just don't know if I want it to. I don't know that I really want to live the rest of my life as an outsider. I do know we won't be going back to El Paso, even though I'd love to. Thak would never do that. I just wonder if we wouldn't do better closer to Atlanta, or Ashville, NC, or somewhere else with a greater variety of people and more of an alternative crowd. We're here for now, and we'll be here a few years while Thak is with the firm, but I don't think I can stay here for the rest of my life. Today was my lightbulb moment.
Friday, July 6, 2012
There are many ways to do AP, I guess.
I think, inadvertently, the person who made this box, and put it on Pinterest, has highlighted a division that exists in the AP community. There are very different schools of thought to raising kids, even within our common philosophy. A lot of people do what the writer of the article I linked does, and treat their kids like little grown-ups with full vote in whatever goes on in the house. I, and those like me, think that this is a steaming hot load of crap. My kids can have full vote in the running of their home when they grow up, get a job, and pay for that full vote in their own home. As long as they live under my roof, they live by my rules, and if they don't like that, they can do what I did and move out when they turn 18. I'm not going to structure the rules of my home around the whims of my kids. That is simply not going to happen.
Thak and I believe that kids, like soldiers, need strong and consistent leaders, and a well defined chain of command. We have seen what happens when this doesn't exist, when lines get blurred, and it isn't pretty. The parent who treats their kids like little adults is screwing up just as badly as the company commander who attends a kegger at the barracks. In both cases, they're undermining themselves, and also everyone else. Just like a soldier who does not respect his own commander will be less likely to give proper respect to other officers, a kid who doesn't know his place in his own home will attempt to run roughshod over his friends' parents as well. This is bad for everybody involved.
This whole thing reminds me of this one friend of Erin's. This kid has so much potential to be a good kid. He's intelligent and articulate, and his mom is really cool. The wrinkle is that this kid does not know his place. The couple times he has been allowed inside at my place, he has been like a bull in a china shop. He barges into my kitchen demanding to know where the cups are, trying to help himself to whatever is in the refrigerator, asking for snacks and then turning down what we keep around as snacks (fruit, kale chips, grape tomatoes, raw milk cheese, etc). If I get myself a glass of tea, he demands one, and tries to argue with me when I tell him that children in my home don't drink caffeinated drinks. (My kids don't. Orren's too young, and as sensitive as Erin is to certain foods, I don't even want to know what caffeine would do to her.) I'll offer him water, which is what my kids drink, and he'll turn his nose up at it, and question me on why I didn't buy juice at the store. This kid is about 1000 shades of obnoxious, and the root of the issue is that he doesn't know his place.
I had honestly thought it was just kids in that age range, that it just wasn't an age that I liked, but it isn't that. Earlier this week, the daughter of one of the other contractors Thak works with was here for the day while her dad was at work. He has her for the summer, and doesn't have childcare for her, so he usually brings her to work, but it's so boring for her to just sit in the office of the hangar all day, so after a while, it was decided that instead of doing that, she would stay with us during the workday. I would drop Thak off at work, and pick her up there and take her to our place. Then her dad would bring Thak home, and pick her up when the workday was over. The arrangement was very mutually beneficial. I would have the car for the day, and we'd only make one trip to and from the airfield, and I wouldn't have to wake Chai up from his nap to go pick up Thak, and Thak's friend would have a safe place for his daughter to be while he worked, so he could focus more on work, and she could have fun instead of being bored. Of course, our kids love her, so they win, too. Even though the thing was very mutually beneficial, I was nervous about having her over all day long because babysitting isn't really my thing. Let me tell you, though, this kid is awesome! She's easy going and not the least bit obnoxious. She can come over whenever she wants. We figured out that it's because her dad is very much the same kind of parent that we are, and that's why she fits in so well in our home.
I don't know what most people's goal in parenting is, but me and Thak pretty much agree that the most important thing is to create people whom most of the rest of the world will like. What we say is, "If there are fewer assholes in our kids' generation than there are in our generation, then we have done our job." That's pretty much the idea. The problem with some of the extreme AP families who treat their kids like small adults right from the start, is that they're not teaching them to function in the real world. They're not going to be rubbing elbows with the CEO at their first job, and nobody's going to care if they think it's unfair that they have to clean the bathroom for the third time that week. The world is built on clawing your way up from the bottom, and earning more privileges and respect as you go. If that concept doesn't exist at home, if kids are born with a full quota of privileges, they're in for a very rude awakening when they hit the real world. Not to mention, I can't imagine anyone wants to be the parent with the kids nobody can stand. All I can figure is that these people are raising those kids whom I cannot stand the idea of letting into my home.
Edited to add:
I found this. Maybe what we have here is that AP philosophy looks very differently when applied to various parenting styles. Thak and I are authoritative parents. That's our style, by definition, but we use AP practices as well, and they fit well into a general authoritative parenting style. It seems to appeal to people with a permissive parenting style also, and fits in with that. What we have is not people giving AP a bad name, but permissive parenting, which sucks, combined with AP, which doesn't suck, and it becomes a recipe for disaster, even for the kids. I suppose, what I get out of this is that it actually does the kids a favor to be authoritative. That's what I'd thought all along, of course, but it's always nice to see that the experts agree with me on something.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
How expensive are vehicles?
It's something I never really thought of. Other than the payments, and vaguely the cost of gas, but really, it never occurred to me how expensive vehicles are. It's very obvious now that we have gone down to just one car, having sold Thak's truck a month ago. Our budget, which once was so strained it was almost scary, is now pretty workable.
It's no secret that Thak has always insisted on having a big truck. I will never forget when we were planning on using his reenlistment bonus to buy a vehicle for him (when we first got married, we only had my car since he had to give his ex-wife EVERYTHING he owned in exchange for his freedom) and he literally said to me, "I don't care what it is as long as it's 4-wheel drive, has a big V8 engine, and is red, blue, or black." My reply to that was, "Anything else? Would you also like it to fly or have amphibious capabilities?" As it was, I did manage to find an F150 that fit his specifications, and pay cash for it. Four years later, when we moved to El Paso, he traded it in on the Dodge he had until recently. I thought that was a dumb move mostly because he was insisting on getting out of the Army, and taking on another car payment at that point was a really bad idea. I also didn't think that buying another gas hog was very smart under the circumstances. I told him so, but he insisted that he needed it, and bought the thing anyway. As it turns out, I had actually severely undershot how bad it really was. When I ran the numbers on it recently, I actually even surprised myself with how much it cost us. Look at this:
Payment: $300
Gas: $500/month
Insurance: $80 (we bundle our insurance, so we get a good deal)
Then there are incidental things like oil changes, tune-ups, and stuff like that, which get REALLY expensive when you've got a giant engine like that, so figure in an average of $20-30 a month for that kind of thing if you average it out.
Basically, that truck cost us roughly $900 a month.
Now, for comparison's sake, let's look at what our apartment costs us:
Rent: $650
Electricity: $70
Water/Sewer: $50
Total: $770
That truck was costing us more than our home!! That is absolutely insane!! Now that it is gone, we find that we really are not as stressed as we were. We can't just do whatever we want, and we're not rich, but school clothes for Erin and a trip to the Jacksonville Zoo next month aren't out of the question.
While the situation with one vehicle is sometimes difficult, logistically speaking, we make it work. Sure, if I have an appointment in Statesboro (30 minutes west of here), and Thak has to be at work at the airfield (30 minutes southeast of here), that can create difficulties, but there's always a way, even if it means someone has to arrive to their destination really early. The funny thing is, we find that we don't really miss the truck. The one car serves us just fine.
Thak will eventually buy another vehicle, mostly for hunting, but maybe an occasional commute (on those "appointment in Statesboro, needed at the airfield at the same time", days) but that will be a cheap truck from Craigslist, that we will buy in cash. I think this has actually been a valuable lesson for him, that it's really not as simple as going to the dealership and taking what they approve you for, that there really are ramifications to that, and that any vehicle is more expensive than just the payment alone. In other words, a low payment on a gas hog doesn't make it affordable, especially with gas prices the way they are these days.
It's no secret that Thak has always insisted on having a big truck. I will never forget when we were planning on using his reenlistment bonus to buy a vehicle for him (when we first got married, we only had my car since he had to give his ex-wife EVERYTHING he owned in exchange for his freedom) and he literally said to me, "I don't care what it is as long as it's 4-wheel drive, has a big V8 engine, and is red, blue, or black." My reply to that was, "Anything else? Would you also like it to fly or have amphibious capabilities?" As it was, I did manage to find an F150 that fit his specifications, and pay cash for it. Four years later, when we moved to El Paso, he traded it in on the Dodge he had until recently. I thought that was a dumb move mostly because he was insisting on getting out of the Army, and taking on another car payment at that point was a really bad idea. I also didn't think that buying another gas hog was very smart under the circumstances. I told him so, but he insisted that he needed it, and bought the thing anyway. As it turns out, I had actually severely undershot how bad it really was. When I ran the numbers on it recently, I actually even surprised myself with how much it cost us. Look at this:
Payment: $300
Gas: $500/month
Insurance: $80 (we bundle our insurance, so we get a good deal)
Then there are incidental things like oil changes, tune-ups, and stuff like that, which get REALLY expensive when you've got a giant engine like that, so figure in an average of $20-30 a month for that kind of thing if you average it out.
Basically, that truck cost us roughly $900 a month.
Now, for comparison's sake, let's look at what our apartment costs us:
Rent: $650
Electricity: $70
Water/Sewer: $50
Total: $770
That truck was costing us more than our home!! That is absolutely insane!! Now that it is gone, we find that we really are not as stressed as we were. We can't just do whatever we want, and we're not rich, but school clothes for Erin and a trip to the Jacksonville Zoo next month aren't out of the question.
While the situation with one vehicle is sometimes difficult, logistically speaking, we make it work. Sure, if I have an appointment in Statesboro (30 minutes west of here), and Thak has to be at work at the airfield (30 minutes southeast of here), that can create difficulties, but there's always a way, even if it means someone has to arrive to their destination really early. The funny thing is, we find that we don't really miss the truck. The one car serves us just fine.
Thak will eventually buy another vehicle, mostly for hunting, but maybe an occasional commute (on those "appointment in Statesboro, needed at the airfield at the same time", days) but that will be a cheap truck from Craigslist, that we will buy in cash. I think this has actually been a valuable lesson for him, that it's really not as simple as going to the dealership and taking what they approve you for, that there really are ramifications to that, and that any vehicle is more expensive than just the payment alone. In other words, a low payment on a gas hog doesn't make it affordable, especially with gas prices the way they are these days.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Happy 4th.
11 years ago today was my last day to ever be a civilian, to ever know what life was like with the blissful ignorance that one may choose to surround themselves with if they do not serve in the military (surely, not all civilians do that, but at 19, I did). It was also the last time I would see my country at peace, because we would be at war before I finished Basic.
Joining the Army may not seem like a big thing to some people, and to others, it may seem like a very stupid thing. That's ok. One thing I've learned is that other people don't have to understand. I understand. My vet buddies understand. It helps that I married my favorite Sergeant. He understands best of all. When you join the Army, you'll never see the world the same way again. You'll never be a civilian again, no matter how dry the ink on your discharge papers may be. You're a veteran for the rest of your life, and you see the world like a vet sees it, not like you saw it when you were a civilian. You opened Pandora's box when you took your oath, and you can never close it. That's ok, though. Most of us wouldn't have it any other way.
That's about all. Happy 4th.
Joining the Army may not seem like a big thing to some people, and to others, it may seem like a very stupid thing. That's ok. One thing I've learned is that other people don't have to understand. I understand. My vet buddies understand. It helps that I married my favorite Sergeant. He understands best of all. When you join the Army, you'll never see the world the same way again. You'll never be a civilian again, no matter how dry the ink on your discharge papers may be. You're a veteran for the rest of your life, and you see the world like a vet sees it, not like you saw it when you were a civilian. You opened Pandora's box when you took your oath, and you can never close it. That's ok, though. Most of us wouldn't have it any other way.
That's about all. Happy 4th.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
So your husband wants to go contractor?
I've been asked a lot lately what it's like to be a civilian contractor's wife, after doing the Army thing for so long. I think it's a valid thing to ask, and really, I'm so glad to have the opportunity to explain the similarities and differences to people before they have to figure this stuff out the hard way like I did. It's smart to ask questions about this stuff. Anyway, here's what I think you need to know if your husband is considering leaving the military and becoming a contractor.
The Bad:
1) The pay is nowhere near as good as everyone thinks it is. Watch the reaction next time I say in mixed company that my husband is a civilian contractor. Within two minutes, someone will imply that I have a lot of money. They are incorrect. This is a really easy mistake to make, though. For one, it looks good on paper. Thak's pay is more than his Army base pay was. The thing is, though, he doesn't get housing or food allowance now, and we have to pay for our health insurance and other benefits that we got for free from the Army. What all that adds up to is a monthly take-home pay of about $2k LESS (per month) than it was when he was a Staff Sergeant. This is why we live in a 2 BR apartment and share a relatively cheap car. That's when he's stateside. I'll tell you about deployment pay in a minute.
2) There's not as much stability as there was in the Army. If the firm loses the contract, his job is gone. This really needs no elaboration.
3) The unit has no obligation to keep him, or you, informed, or include you in anything. Sometimes they will, but sometimes they won't. There is no rule on this, so they can do whatever they want. I remember when Thak was Active Duty, he worked with this contractor named Jim. That entire unit absolutely loved Jim. He was part of the family, and so was his wife even though none of us liked her very much. We dealt with her because her husband was just so important to the unit. We treated them exactly the same as if they had been another Army family. Unfortunately, that has not been my experience with the unit Thak is contracted to. That's nothing against them. Like I said, it's their choice to handle these things how they see fit, but the fact that they don't see fit to include us was surprising after what I'd seen from the old unit. You just never know what you're going to get.
4) It can be lonely. You're not quite military, and you're not quite civilian. You probably don't have decals to get through the gates of post. You probably don't have an ID card. If you make friends with wives in the unit, which is a good idea, it can be hard to see them if they live on post. Civilian friends are great to have, but sometimes it gets tiresome if they don't understand what it's like to have your husband leave for months at a time. Sometimes there are other contractors' wives, but not always. Your husband will be on the same deployment rotation as maybe one other contractor from your site. If you're lucky, he's married. If you're really lucky, you get along with his wife. The guy Thak deploys with is single. This is very common. Most contractors are single or divorced. It's not the easiest line of work for someone with a family.
The Good:
1) There is so much less drama than there was in the Army. Maybe it's because there are fewer wives (since so many of the guys are single or divorced), or because the ones there are tend to be a little older on average (all of us at this site are 30+), or because we are freed from the rank structure, or because our household income isn't of public record, but for some reason, there is infinitely less drama with contractor families than there was with military families. Like, you can actually go to a party, with your kids and your husband, drink margaritas to your heart's content (or until you're really freaking tipsy), wear a swimsuit, be yourself, and actually not have rumors spread about you. It's amazing.
2) On that subject, contractor parties totally rock.
3) The deployment pay is AMAZING. This is how they make up for all the ramen noodles you had to eat while he was stateside. See, on the civilian side, they really do consider it to be asking a lot of someone to go to a war zone for 9 months and leave his family behind in the states. Consequently, they pay extremely well for that. Contractors make easily twice what a mid-career NCO makes while deployed.
4) The benefits are good. You have to pay for them, sure, but honestly, the benefits are way better than what most other places are offering.
5) Bonuses galore! He gets sent away to NTC? Bonus. He has to train at the main compound for a month? Bonus. He has to work 12 hour days to do a massive software upgrade? Bonus. (If they can get it approved in time.)
6) You don't have to move unless you want to. We know contractors who have moved around a good bit, but it was all their choice. Most pick a place and stay there. That's what we're doing. The firm doesn't force people to move unless the unit complains about one of their people. Then they move them. Since Thak can work with pretty much anybody just fine, that's not a concern of ours. It is nice to know that this is our home, and we don't have to worry about orders coming down tomorrow that would take us away from it.
7) Communications are better while they're gone. You can actually call them while they're deployed. There's an actual phone number. I mean, you can't call it all the time or something, but if you have an actual need to talk to your husband RIGHT THEN, you can do that. They also have their own internet, and it's way better than the Army's. Anyone who's ever been through a deployment or several with the Army knows how much all of this would improve life. It's hard to go through a year without being able to contact your husband no matter how badly you need to talk to him. When he's a contractor, you don't have to do that.
8) It's easier for him to get time off than it was when he was in the Army. I had an appointment the other day to see about getting my wisdom teeth removed, finally. Why am I 30 and still have my wisdom teeth? Well, because when Thak was in the Army, I never had any help with the kids so I could take care of my needs like that. The Army does not consider it a justified reason for a husband to take off work, if he has any level of responsibility within the unit at all, which Thak always did. The firm is different. If you think it's a justified reason to be off work, it's a justified reason. Get one of your buddies to cover for you, and go. There is more freedom.
9) It is truly voluntary. If you want to leave the firm, you can. You're not locked in for a billion more years just because you signed that many, like you would be in the Army. If you just can't take any more deployments, you can go. It's not like the Army where you'll just keep deploying and deploying nonstop until either your contract ends or you die. In the firm, the choice is yours whether to stay or go.
The Ugly:
1) Let's face it, girls. Tactical khakis look like shit. You may love a man in uniform, but not this uniform.
2) He will develop "Contractor Brain". They all do. They hang out with a bunch of single guys all day. There exists the opportunity to earn a lot of money, but it will require leaving you for an extended period of time. They will actually consider doing things like leaving a month early for a deployment and not taking any leave to come home and visit you, because if they do that, they won't have to pay taxes that year. They'll probably also go through a time where they think it sounds like a really good idea to volunteer for an immediate posting at Kandahar Air Field. Tell him he has lost his damned mind, and go about your business. Contractor Brain is short lived, and easily cured with home cooking and other things he loves that he can't get in Afghanistan, but it recurs at random.
3) The public hates contractors. They really do. You're going to hear a lot of crap you'll wish you never heard.
That's pretty much the lowdown on this thing. It's not bad. By today's standards, it's a pretty sweet deal. Although, there are some ways in which the Army is better. Just be really honest about what you want before making any drastic decisions like leaving the Army for good. Contracting gets both an overly good, and an overly bad, rap. In reality, it's neither of these extremes. It's best to see it for what it is, and figure out what you think of it from there.
The Bad:
1) The pay is nowhere near as good as everyone thinks it is. Watch the reaction next time I say in mixed company that my husband is a civilian contractor. Within two minutes, someone will imply that I have a lot of money. They are incorrect. This is a really easy mistake to make, though. For one, it looks good on paper. Thak's pay is more than his Army base pay was. The thing is, though, he doesn't get housing or food allowance now, and we have to pay for our health insurance and other benefits that we got for free from the Army. What all that adds up to is a monthly take-home pay of about $2k LESS (per month) than it was when he was a Staff Sergeant. This is why we live in a 2 BR apartment and share a relatively cheap car. That's when he's stateside. I'll tell you about deployment pay in a minute.
2) There's not as much stability as there was in the Army. If the firm loses the contract, his job is gone. This really needs no elaboration.
3) The unit has no obligation to keep him, or you, informed, or include you in anything. Sometimes they will, but sometimes they won't. There is no rule on this, so they can do whatever they want. I remember when Thak was Active Duty, he worked with this contractor named Jim. That entire unit absolutely loved Jim. He was part of the family, and so was his wife even though none of us liked her very much. We dealt with her because her husband was just so important to the unit. We treated them exactly the same as if they had been another Army family. Unfortunately, that has not been my experience with the unit Thak is contracted to. That's nothing against them. Like I said, it's their choice to handle these things how they see fit, but the fact that they don't see fit to include us was surprising after what I'd seen from the old unit. You just never know what you're going to get.
4) It can be lonely. You're not quite military, and you're not quite civilian. You probably don't have decals to get through the gates of post. You probably don't have an ID card. If you make friends with wives in the unit, which is a good idea, it can be hard to see them if they live on post. Civilian friends are great to have, but sometimes it gets tiresome if they don't understand what it's like to have your husband leave for months at a time. Sometimes there are other contractors' wives, but not always. Your husband will be on the same deployment rotation as maybe one other contractor from your site. If you're lucky, he's married. If you're really lucky, you get along with his wife. The guy Thak deploys with is single. This is very common. Most contractors are single or divorced. It's not the easiest line of work for someone with a family.
The Good:
1) There is so much less drama than there was in the Army. Maybe it's because there are fewer wives (since so many of the guys are single or divorced), or because the ones there are tend to be a little older on average (all of us at this site are 30+), or because we are freed from the rank structure, or because our household income isn't of public record, but for some reason, there is infinitely less drama with contractor families than there was with military families. Like, you can actually go to a party, with your kids and your husband, drink margaritas to your heart's content (or until you're really freaking tipsy), wear a swimsuit, be yourself, and actually not have rumors spread about you. It's amazing.
2) On that subject, contractor parties totally rock.
3) The deployment pay is AMAZING. This is how they make up for all the ramen noodles you had to eat while he was stateside. See, on the civilian side, they really do consider it to be asking a lot of someone to go to a war zone for 9 months and leave his family behind in the states. Consequently, they pay extremely well for that. Contractors make easily twice what a mid-career NCO makes while deployed.
4) The benefits are good. You have to pay for them, sure, but honestly, the benefits are way better than what most other places are offering.
5) Bonuses galore! He gets sent away to NTC? Bonus. He has to train at the main compound for a month? Bonus. He has to work 12 hour days to do a massive software upgrade? Bonus. (If they can get it approved in time.)
6) You don't have to move unless you want to. We know contractors who have moved around a good bit, but it was all their choice. Most pick a place and stay there. That's what we're doing. The firm doesn't force people to move unless the unit complains about one of their people. Then they move them. Since Thak can work with pretty much anybody just fine, that's not a concern of ours. It is nice to know that this is our home, and we don't have to worry about orders coming down tomorrow that would take us away from it.
7) Communications are better while they're gone. You can actually call them while they're deployed. There's an actual phone number. I mean, you can't call it all the time or something, but if you have an actual need to talk to your husband RIGHT THEN, you can do that. They also have their own internet, and it's way better than the Army's. Anyone who's ever been through a deployment or several with the Army knows how much all of this would improve life. It's hard to go through a year without being able to contact your husband no matter how badly you need to talk to him. When he's a contractor, you don't have to do that.
8) It's easier for him to get time off than it was when he was in the Army. I had an appointment the other day to see about getting my wisdom teeth removed, finally. Why am I 30 and still have my wisdom teeth? Well, because when Thak was in the Army, I never had any help with the kids so I could take care of my needs like that. The Army does not consider it a justified reason for a husband to take off work, if he has any level of responsibility within the unit at all, which Thak always did. The firm is different. If you think it's a justified reason to be off work, it's a justified reason. Get one of your buddies to cover for you, and go. There is more freedom.
9) It is truly voluntary. If you want to leave the firm, you can. You're not locked in for a billion more years just because you signed that many, like you would be in the Army. If you just can't take any more deployments, you can go. It's not like the Army where you'll just keep deploying and deploying nonstop until either your contract ends or you die. In the firm, the choice is yours whether to stay or go.
The Ugly:
1) Let's face it, girls. Tactical khakis look like shit. You may love a man in uniform, but not this uniform.
2) He will develop "Contractor Brain". They all do. They hang out with a bunch of single guys all day. There exists the opportunity to earn a lot of money, but it will require leaving you for an extended period of time. They will actually consider doing things like leaving a month early for a deployment and not taking any leave to come home and visit you, because if they do that, they won't have to pay taxes that year. They'll probably also go through a time where they think it sounds like a really good idea to volunteer for an immediate posting at Kandahar Air Field. Tell him he has lost his damned mind, and go about your business. Contractor Brain is short lived, and easily cured with home cooking and other things he loves that he can't get in Afghanistan, but it recurs at random.
3) The public hates contractors. They really do. You're going to hear a lot of crap you'll wish you never heard.
That's pretty much the lowdown on this thing. It's not bad. By today's standards, it's a pretty sweet deal. Although, there are some ways in which the Army is better. Just be really honest about what you want before making any drastic decisions like leaving the Army for good. Contracting gets both an overly good, and an overly bad, rap. In reality, it's neither of these extremes. It's best to see it for what it is, and figure out what you think of it from there.
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