Non-Violent Parenting, what it is, and what it isn't.

I have to step away.  On one of the breastfeeding groups I'm in, someone was asking what to do about a 1.5-year-old who hits, and after receiving solid advice about redirection, and reassurance that it's just a phase, someone posted this gem:

"I was spanked as a child and I'm fine. . . if spankings felt good then they wouldn't be a negative reinforcement. To each his own, but I see many children who are not spanked turn into little wildlings :o/ Maybe in their parents eyes they have control, but to the general public they look like little hell raisers being continually "redirected," but ultimately controlling their parents behaviors. And, children are smarter than most give them credit for. But, again, to each his own. I'm definitely not condemning anyone who chooses either way ;o)"

Really?  So this person evidently thinks that people who don't spank are raising kids who run all over the place out of control.  Please explain to me, then, why our prisons are full of people who were spanked as kids. While spanking, taken independently, would not make a person do something to land themselves in prison, it surely doesn't help the situation.  Also, I think we can all think of at least a few families we know who are always spanking their kids, and their kids still act like total crap.  Obviously, spanking is not a ticket to better behaved kids.  Why anyone thinks it is, is beyond me.  The results of it are all around us, and they're not very encouraging.


More than any of that, though, this post highlighted a truth that has been evident for a long time.  People simply don't know what discipline that doesn't include spanking even is, or how it would work.  So here.  I'm going to tell you about a few situations within the past few days, and how we handled them non-violently.


Situation 1:

Kid is running around in a store, starting to get out of control.  He grabs something off a shelf.  Dad steps in.


What you think is going to happen:


Dad says "Now, Orren, please don't grab things.  It isn't nice." and then lets him continue doing what he was doing, every once in a while telling him not to do it, but not really enforcing anything.


What really happened:


Dad picks up kid, hands merchandise he was going to purchase to mom and asks her to stand in the checkout line for him, takes kid out to a bench outside the store to sit down and regroup.  Talks about how we behave in stores, and why we can't pull things off shelves or run around, how that stuff is for the playground or home.  By the time mom gets to the register, dad and kid have come back into the store, and kid is acting totally fine.  Mom and dad both tell kid that he really did a great job being quiet and safe in the store.  He's proud of himself, and does it again in the next store they go into.


Situation 2:


Mom tells kid to go get ready for bed. Kid tells mom he's going to put her in time-out.


What you think is going to happen:


Mom says, "Now Orren, we don't talk like that.  It isn't nice.", kid laughs, and runs off.


What really happened:


Mom says, "Whoa, buddy!  We don't talk like that!  I think you need a do-over.  Let's start from the part where I ask you to go get ready for bed, and you answer me the right way, ok?"   He smiles. 


Mom says, "Orren, go ahead and get ready for bed, buddy.", and Orren replies, "Will I get a story after I put my jammies on and brush my teeth?"  Yes, of course he will.  "Can it be Fergus?" he asks.  Of course it can be Fergus.  He goes off to pick out some jammies.  


Situation 3:


Young toddler climbs up in mom's lap, and bites her.


What you think is going to happen:


Mom says, "No bite", as baby continues to bite her repeatedly.


What really happened:


Mom says, "We don't bite." and puts baby on the floor.  He cries, then climbs up in her lap, and bites her again.  She puts him on the floor again, telling him that we don't bite.  The whole thing happens again, and a couple more times.  Eventually, he climbs up in her lap, does not bite, and gets to listen to a story, because little boys who don't bite get to do fun things like that.


I think you see now, we are not really very permissive parents.  We have really clear standards, and our kids are expected to meet them.  We don't put up with them acting up in public, or talking back to us, or biting, or hitting, or anything else.  We try to make our approach age-appropriate, and relevant to the situation.  The baby, for example, cannot understand anything other than consistent redirection at his age.  The preschool age boy, on the other hand, can very much understand things like being removed from a situation, a "time in" (what some people call our brand of time out), or even having a do-over if he gets mouthy.  The do-over thing is new.  That's the other thing.  We are always having to reevaluate and tailor our approach to both of our boys (and our girl, but she's not home right now) as they learn and grow in their ability to understand more things.  Non-violent parenting is not the easy way out that some people think it is.  It's complex and ever changing, and it requires a lot out of a parent sometimes.  It's worth it, though.  So many studies have shown that spanking is bad for kids.  Some countries have even made it illegal.  There are so many better ways to discipline a kid that actually teach them something other than, "if I don't act right, my parent will hurt me".