Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year!
We still have about 5 minutes until New Year here, but it was Lema's first year to stay up to watch the ball drop. She was so excited when we told her she could! (It was the first year she asked.) Thak lit a fire in the fireplace, and she loved it. She's excitedly speculating about which of her friends are getting to stay up tonight to ring in the new year, and which ones had to go to bed. Judging by the noise outside, I don't think anyone in this city other than Orren is asleep! (He only made it to about 10:30.)
We were not expecting this, but will take it!
Thak started putting his feelers out this week for jobs in the automotive industry here locally. He also filled out and submitted his Border Patrol application, but we haven't heard back on that, nor do we really expect to anytime soon. He took resumes around to all the high-end car dealerships in this area.... BMW, Mini, Jaguar, Audi, Lexus, Mercedes, plus a few others, and we're trying to get the dirt on the new Porsche dealership they're supposed to be building here soon. Anyhow, he started doing this two days ago.
Yesterday, he was offered an internship with hire afterward at Audi and Jaguar. Today, BMW called with the same offer. This is absolutely amazing. There are others we expect to hear from in the near future, and some he will follow up on.
This has been totally unexpected and also great. All we ever hear is how hard it is to get your foot in the door in this town, but it really hasn't seemed that way so far for Thak. I do believe it comes down to a couple things. First of all, his resume is insane. The manager at BMW commented on how impressive it is. We know that is helping his case a lot. The other thing, though, is his references. One of his references is one of his instructors, who is one of the best known luxury car mechanics in this area, and is very well respected. The first question every person he's spoken with so far has asked is, "How do you know him?" and when Thak tells them that he is his instructor, they get all that much more interested. I mean, if Thak was taught by one of the best in the area, he must be pretty good, too, right? Of course, they've all been calling his instructor and asking for the dirt on Thak, and that's only served to make things even better. He solidly vouches for Thak's ability, willingness to learn, and good attitude. He insists that it is Thak's resume that is standing on its own and getting Thak these opportunities, but really, we know it's a bit of both. We wouldn't be looking at so many opportunities if Thak's resume weren't great, but we also would not be looking at this many opportunities if he were not well connected enough to get his foot in the door in these luxury shops.
What a ride, and it's only been two days. I really can't wait to see what 2011 will have for us! At this point, we don't know which offer Thak will accept. We may just put them all on the roulette wheel at the casino and see where the little ball lands.
Yesterday, he was offered an internship with hire afterward at Audi and Jaguar. Today, BMW called with the same offer. This is absolutely amazing. There are others we expect to hear from in the near future, and some he will follow up on.
This has been totally unexpected and also great. All we ever hear is how hard it is to get your foot in the door in this town, but it really hasn't seemed that way so far for Thak. I do believe it comes down to a couple things. First of all, his resume is insane. The manager at BMW commented on how impressive it is. We know that is helping his case a lot. The other thing, though, is his references. One of his references is one of his instructors, who is one of the best known luxury car mechanics in this area, and is very well respected. The first question every person he's spoken with so far has asked is, "How do you know him?" and when Thak tells them that he is his instructor, they get all that much more interested. I mean, if Thak was taught by one of the best in the area, he must be pretty good, too, right? Of course, they've all been calling his instructor and asking for the dirt on Thak, and that's only served to make things even better. He solidly vouches for Thak's ability, willingness to learn, and good attitude. He insists that it is Thak's resume that is standing on its own and getting Thak these opportunities, but really, we know it's a bit of both. We wouldn't be looking at so many opportunities if Thak's resume weren't great, but we also would not be looking at this many opportunities if he were not well connected enough to get his foot in the door in these luxury shops.
What a ride, and it's only been two days. I really can't wait to see what 2011 will have for us! At this point, we don't know which offer Thak will accept. We may just put them all on the roulette wheel at the casino and see where the little ball lands.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
WOW! That is so soon!
It really snuck up on me!! I cannot believe next week, we might be finding out if we are having a boy or a girl!! Wednesday evening is when we will go for our appointment. Less than a week! Wow!!
I still think it's a girl. I hope it's a boy, just for the practical end of things, but I think it's a girl. It really doesn't matter either way. We already have one of each, so there's really no pressing need for one or the other. Whatever this baby is, we're totally thrilled with. We get to find out very soon!!
I still think it's a girl. I hope it's a boy, just for the practical end of things, but I think it's a girl. It really doesn't matter either way. We already have one of each, so there's really no pressing need for one or the other. Whatever this baby is, we're totally thrilled with. We get to find out very soon!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Why I will not condone your decision to cut your baby:
There is one issue Thak and I have a very hard time taking a "live and let live" approach to when it comes to parenting, and that issue is routine infant circumcision. OK, fine, don't even try to breastfeed, use nasty disposable diapers, vaccinate on schedule, and use non-organic foods, but at least acknowledge your child's genderless birthright to bodily integrity by leaving your son intact. If you tell me about having your son cut, I will absolutely tell you exactly what I think of that, and here is why:
1) It's wrong. No, this isn't just my opinion. Our children's bodies belong to them, not to us. This is not an issue of parental choice. This is an issue of human rights. Every human being has the right to keep every healthy body part they were born with, to do with as they please when they are old enough to decide. By revoking that decision from your son, you are violating his human rights, and have lowered yourself to the level of the people who cut little girls in mud huts in Africa.
2) It's unfair. Girls are protected by law from this, and no, all forms of female genital cutting are more drastic than male genital cutting we know here in the US. There is something called Sunat, which is practiced in Malaysia, which is IDENTICAL, but for females. If I had sunat Erin, I would be in jail right now. If I had circumcised Orren, people would call it parental choice. That is inequitable and unfair. Stop with the anti-boy bias. The law will not protect your son. Who will, if you don't?
3) Your religion does not require it. Yes, even you, Jews! Many Rabbis are now encouraging their followers to give their sons something called a Brit Shalom, which is a welcoming ceremony just as holy as the Bris Milla, but without the cutting. Even if you believe your religion does require this, do you really want to assume that your child will choose that religion for themselves when they are old enough? I do not know what faith my kids will grow up to be, and neither do you. Removing a body part in the name of a faith they did not choose is nonsense at best.
4) There are no benefits. Every single benefit it supposedly had, has been disproven, or called very questionable at best. Foreskin is not a birth defect, nor is it a vestigial structure. It serves a purpose, and it will not cause a lifetime of problems if left. True problems that could potentially someday arise from it are no more common than problems that could arise down the road which necessitate the removal of the fingers someday, yet we don't see any push to remove babies' fingers at birth.
5) It's cruel. Babies are given no anesthesia, strapped down to a board called a circumstraint, and mutilated against their will. Would YOU volunteer for something like that?
6) The long lasting side-effects are severe. It's recently been shown that the brain waves of circumcised boys are abnormal, showing signs of long term stress, even years into their lives, while their intact peers show no such interference. The trauma of this is worse than what your husband survived in Iraq, and now shows the remnants of. Do you want TWO men with latent trauma in your life if you can prevent it for one of them?
7) I'll reiterate it again. It isn't your choice. You are violating your child's human rights if you do this to them, and I refuse to call it anything other than exactly what it is.
Oh, and just to go over all the stupid reasons people usually do this for:
No, he won't be the odd man out if you don't cut him. Most boys are intact these days. He'll be the odd man out if you do cut him. Plus, over 80% of the world's population is intact. Odds are, wherever your son ends up living when he grows up, being intact will be the norm, so the locker room argument is not valid.
Women do not prefer it. You're going to have to trust me on this one. In fact, forget I even said that. Ask 100 European, South American, Asian, and younger Canadian and Australian women what they think. You're going to find that most people don't prefer "less" in their mate.
It's not a big deal if he looks like his father or not. My husband and son ARE alike in that way, and honestly, when I think of the ways they're alike, it doesn't even make the top 25. Right now, they're watching the Vikings play, and yelling for our team together. They love football, especially the Vikings. They have the same smile, the same temper, the same mannerisms. There are so many ways fathers and sons can be alike. Mutilation should not define one.
It isn't hard to take care of. Again, you're going to have to trust me and over 80% of the world on this one. If intact-care were rocket science, our species would have died out eons ago.
1) It's wrong. No, this isn't just my opinion. Our children's bodies belong to them, not to us. This is not an issue of parental choice. This is an issue of human rights. Every human being has the right to keep every healthy body part they were born with, to do with as they please when they are old enough to decide. By revoking that decision from your son, you are violating his human rights, and have lowered yourself to the level of the people who cut little girls in mud huts in Africa.
2) It's unfair. Girls are protected by law from this, and no, all forms of female genital cutting are more drastic than male genital cutting we know here in the US. There is something called Sunat, which is practiced in Malaysia, which is IDENTICAL, but for females. If I had sunat Erin, I would be in jail right now. If I had circumcised Orren, people would call it parental choice. That is inequitable and unfair. Stop with the anti-boy bias. The law will not protect your son. Who will, if you don't?
3) Your religion does not require it. Yes, even you, Jews! Many Rabbis are now encouraging their followers to give their sons something called a Brit Shalom, which is a welcoming ceremony just as holy as the Bris Milla, but without the cutting. Even if you believe your religion does require this, do you really want to assume that your child will choose that religion for themselves when they are old enough? I do not know what faith my kids will grow up to be, and neither do you. Removing a body part in the name of a faith they did not choose is nonsense at best.
4) There are no benefits. Every single benefit it supposedly had, has been disproven, or called very questionable at best. Foreskin is not a birth defect, nor is it a vestigial structure. It serves a purpose, and it will not cause a lifetime of problems if left. True problems that could potentially someday arise from it are no more common than problems that could arise down the road which necessitate the removal of the fingers someday, yet we don't see any push to remove babies' fingers at birth.
5) It's cruel. Babies are given no anesthesia, strapped down to a board called a circumstraint, and mutilated against their will. Would YOU volunteer for something like that?
6) The long lasting side-effects are severe. It's recently been shown that the brain waves of circumcised boys are abnormal, showing signs of long term stress, even years into their lives, while their intact peers show no such interference. The trauma of this is worse than what your husband survived in Iraq, and now shows the remnants of. Do you want TWO men with latent trauma in your life if you can prevent it for one of them?
7) I'll reiterate it again. It isn't your choice. You are violating your child's human rights if you do this to them, and I refuse to call it anything other than exactly what it is.
Oh, and just to go over all the stupid reasons people usually do this for:
No, he won't be the odd man out if you don't cut him. Most boys are intact these days. He'll be the odd man out if you do cut him. Plus, over 80% of the world's population is intact. Odds are, wherever your son ends up living when he grows up, being intact will be the norm, so the locker room argument is not valid.
Women do not prefer it. You're going to have to trust me on this one. In fact, forget I even said that. Ask 100 European, South American, Asian, and younger Canadian and Australian women what they think. You're going to find that most people don't prefer "less" in their mate.
It's not a big deal if he looks like his father or not. My husband and son ARE alike in that way, and honestly, when I think of the ways they're alike, it doesn't even make the top 25. Right now, they're watching the Vikings play, and yelling for our team together. They love football, especially the Vikings. They have the same smile, the same temper, the same mannerisms. There are so many ways fathers and sons can be alike. Mutilation should not define one.
It isn't hard to take care of. Again, you're going to have to trust me and over 80% of the world on this one. If intact-care were rocket science, our species would have died out eons ago.
Two years of all this!
So with Orren's birthday, we also made the two year mark on cloth diapering. Orren has never worn a disposable in his life, and he will potty train soon. It's amazing that we have now saved 75% of our diapering expense, and kept over a ton of waste out of the landfill. It is an accomplishment.
We've learned a lot in these two years. For one, cloth diapering is way easier than it seems, and that the biggest rookie mistake we made was buying expensive pocket diapers when prefolds really do work just as well. That's one thing everyone has to learn for themselves, though. Nobody thinks they'll actually like prefolds as much as pockets or all-in-ones, but most people do.
Once you cloth diaper, laundry will never be the same again. It becomes somewhat of a science. How many diapers at a time? What temperature of water? How much detergent? What kind of detergent? Once you figure out what works, though, you'll stick with it, and actually turn down your husband's offer of a new washing machine because it would put you back to square one. (Plus, I don't know why Thak has some problem with this machine. There's nothing wrong with it, and it's not like he ever uses it anyhow.)
When you cloth diaper, you learn how to roll with the punches, like when Orren developed a sensitivity to synthetic fibers at the age of 22 months. He's ONLY been able to wear cotton prefolds for the past few months, even at night, and while that took some getting used to for everybody, all have adapted well.
I also find that cloth diapering parents are less squeamish, and more adventurous. The questions people ask me when considering cloth diapering still slay me. "How do they not pee through them?" "How can you be sure they work?" "How do you keep it from making your whole house smell?" Dude, they're diapers. It's not life or death. Even if you totally screw this up a few times, what's the worst that happens? You get pee or poop on you? Definitely not a national state of emergency there. Those who have been doing cloth for a while are quick to try new things and don't get too upset if they don't work. Cloth diapering is good for the parent as much as the baby.
Also, as of Orren's birthday, we have been EXTENDED rear-facing for a year (because it is considered extended rear-facing when you are beyond one year old and 20 pounds. Orren hit 20 pounds at 4 months, so as of his first birthday, we were ERF.) I now know that we WILL make three years before we consider turning him forward-facing. There is not a doubt in my mind. It does feel amazing to have now passed the American Academy of Pediatrics minimum guideline for rear-facing (they want a minimum of 2 years, longer preferred). It doesn't seem like it is an accomplishment to keep your toddler rear-facing, and while it is not as big an accomplishment as cloth diapering or breastfeeding would be, it is still something any parent should be proud of. There is a lot of pressure in our society to NOT do what's best for our kids, and turn them forward-facing earlier than we have to, even though it's a well proven fact that it's 500% safer to rear-face. In resisting that pressure, spending the money on the seats it takes even to keep a very tall toddler like Orren rear-facing (and comfortably!) for years, and making the necessary accommodations, there is some degree of accomplishment in that.
I'll be doing a feature within the next couple days on rear-facing as a toddler. I find that a lot of people just don't know what a rear-facing 2-year-old would even look like, so they don't even try. They think it would be ridiculous, and that they'd be uncomfortable, and that it's dangerous because their legs touch the seat back. (For the record, there's never been a recorded incident of a lower extremity injury as a result of rear-facing. Even if there were, I'd rather that than the neck and spine injuries that are so common to forward-facing children.) I think if people see more rear-facing toddlers, learn that it's not ridiculous, that people they know are doing it, and that it's great for the kids, more people will pay attention to the AAP's guideline, and keep their kids rear-facing to at least age 2.
We have had the goal of keeping Orren rear-facing until at least 3 years old, and we are now 2/3 of the way there!
We have also saved 75% by cloth diapering.
I find that when you make well researched decisions, each birthday is a happy occasion for more reasons than the obvious. Good choices only get better with time. The longer we do this stuff, the more it pays off for us.
We've learned a lot in these two years. For one, cloth diapering is way easier than it seems, and that the biggest rookie mistake we made was buying expensive pocket diapers when prefolds really do work just as well. That's one thing everyone has to learn for themselves, though. Nobody thinks they'll actually like prefolds as much as pockets or all-in-ones, but most people do.
Once you cloth diaper, laundry will never be the same again. It becomes somewhat of a science. How many diapers at a time? What temperature of water? How much detergent? What kind of detergent? Once you figure out what works, though, you'll stick with it, and actually turn down your husband's offer of a new washing machine because it would put you back to square one. (Plus, I don't know why Thak has some problem with this machine. There's nothing wrong with it, and it's not like he ever uses it anyhow.)
When you cloth diaper, you learn how to roll with the punches, like when Orren developed a sensitivity to synthetic fibers at the age of 22 months. He's ONLY been able to wear cotton prefolds for the past few months, even at night, and while that took some getting used to for everybody, all have adapted well.
I also find that cloth diapering parents are less squeamish, and more adventurous. The questions people ask me when considering cloth diapering still slay me. "How do they not pee through them?" "How can you be sure they work?" "How do you keep it from making your whole house smell?" Dude, they're diapers. It's not life or death. Even if you totally screw this up a few times, what's the worst that happens? You get pee or poop on you? Definitely not a national state of emergency there. Those who have been doing cloth for a while are quick to try new things and don't get too upset if they don't work. Cloth diapering is good for the parent as much as the baby.
Also, as of Orren's birthday, we have been EXTENDED rear-facing for a year (because it is considered extended rear-facing when you are beyond one year old and 20 pounds. Orren hit 20 pounds at 4 months, so as of his first birthday, we were ERF.) I now know that we WILL make three years before we consider turning him forward-facing. There is not a doubt in my mind. It does feel amazing to have now passed the American Academy of Pediatrics minimum guideline for rear-facing (they want a minimum of 2 years, longer preferred). It doesn't seem like it is an accomplishment to keep your toddler rear-facing, and while it is not as big an accomplishment as cloth diapering or breastfeeding would be, it is still something any parent should be proud of. There is a lot of pressure in our society to NOT do what's best for our kids, and turn them forward-facing earlier than we have to, even though it's a well proven fact that it's 500% safer to rear-face. In resisting that pressure, spending the money on the seats it takes even to keep a very tall toddler like Orren rear-facing (and comfortably!) for years, and making the necessary accommodations, there is some degree of accomplishment in that.
I'll be doing a feature within the next couple days on rear-facing as a toddler. I find that a lot of people just don't know what a rear-facing 2-year-old would even look like, so they don't even try. They think it would be ridiculous, and that they'd be uncomfortable, and that it's dangerous because their legs touch the seat back. (For the record, there's never been a recorded incident of a lower extremity injury as a result of rear-facing. Even if there were, I'd rather that than the neck and spine injuries that are so common to forward-facing children.) I think if people see more rear-facing toddlers, learn that it's not ridiculous, that people they know are doing it, and that it's great for the kids, more people will pay attention to the AAP's guideline, and keep their kids rear-facing to at least age 2.
We have had the goal of keeping Orren rear-facing until at least 3 years old, and we are now 2/3 of the way there!
We have also saved 75% by cloth diapering.
I find that when you make well researched decisions, each birthday is a happy occasion for more reasons than the obvious. Good choices only get better with time. The longer we do this stuff, the more it pays off for us.
Monday, December 27, 2010
It can't be that simple. Or can it?
A very well known, and highly successful, Vietnamese-American dating coach, has preliminarily launched a new project this past week. Since I know him, I got one of the first looks at it, but it will be formally launched within days, and isn't any great secret now. It is a magazine for AM/WF (That's Asian male/white female.) relationships of all varieties. Hmmmm.... Judging by what I've seen come out of the AM/WF community within the past six years, this could be really good, really bad, or solidly mediocre, but being that its editor in chief doesn't do anything halfway, it's going to be either really good, or totally awful.
At this point in time, I'm skeptical. There is a really simple reason I am skeptical. His choice of staff writers is questionable to say the least. One is this girl I've spoken with a few times, and can only describe as your stereotypical 19-year-old know-it-all. This wouldn't be an issue if she actually knew anything about dating, but by her own admission, she's only ever gotten dates through the internet, and has never dated a non-Asian. This just sends my weirdo sensor into overdrive. I read a few of her preliminary articles, and honestly, if I were an Asian guy who had never dated white girl before, this stuff would send me running for the hills.
Another of the staff writers is the editor's girlfriend. She's also a dating coach for Asian men, and knows more than most women about pick-up and game, which is a valuable resource, although a very niche market type of view point. She was a solid choice, though. She's well known throughout the community, respected, attractive, and has a diverse dating history. I find her believable, even if most of what she writes does not pertain to the majority of people in my opinion.
The third is even stranger than the first. She moved to China to find a husband. Dude.... Creep alert!! Who does that?! Fat, white, middle-aged men, that's who!! Am I the only one who finds the fetish aspect extremely gross and creepy??
Where have the normal people gone? I guess nobody finds any solace in the fact that there really is no secret to dating or finding the right mate. It's all common sense, basic human nature, and biology. I love Asian guys. I've always thought they were super hot. However, I never actually set out to find myself an Asian guy. People always ask me what my secret is, how I manged to find and keep an Asian husband, where I found him, why it works. I'm about to tell you the how and the why:
How? We were in the Army together. Right place at the right time.
Why did we get together? Because he adored me, and I couldn't find a real reason not to give him a chance. Plus, he was hot.
Why does it work after all these years? Because I'm able to put up with his bullshit, we make cute babies, and he's still really hot. Oh, and I cook well. Seriously.
People, there is no magic bullet when it comes to dating or marrying Asian men. When you over-analyze it, that's when you have problems. Sure, there are some cultural obstacles, even if yours was born in the US like Thak was, but if you're generally able to roll with the punches, you'll be fine. If any new wife would like to talk with me about how to best accommodate her Asian husband, I'm more than happy to talk with her about that. I've been there before. There are differences, but they are minor, and after a while you don't even notice them. In fact, after six years of marriage to Thak, I mostly notice how he's so much like all my friends' husbands (and he is the only Asian guy in the bunch. The rest are every other race.) They all love Sports Center, and watch ESPN every day. They all like tools, guns, beer, and cars. They all worry about the same things, getting ahead at work, providing well enough for their families, and what the future holds. In all, my Asian husband is a husband. Sure, he eats chicken bones, and shows love for his family by working so hard he's never here for us, and these are known to be Asian tendencies, but once you get used to it, you barely notice it anymore.
There you have it, people. It really is that simple. I don't speak but a few phrases of Thai. I can't stand martial arts movies. I rarely watch anime. I don't wear much Asian fashion (although I do wear some because Thak likes it). I am not Buddhist, Taoist, or Shinto. I eat Asian foods, but only sometimes. I do not like any type of Asian pop music. Hell, I don't even like American pop music. Why would I like that same kind of stuff in a language I don't speak? I am just a white girl from the rural south, and I have an Asian husband. There is no secret.... but if you want something that helps, I'll give you my peach crisp recipe. Guys love that stuff.
At this point in time, I'm skeptical. There is a really simple reason I am skeptical. His choice of staff writers is questionable to say the least. One is this girl I've spoken with a few times, and can only describe as your stereotypical 19-year-old know-it-all. This wouldn't be an issue if she actually knew anything about dating, but by her own admission, she's only ever gotten dates through the internet, and has never dated a non-Asian. This just sends my weirdo sensor into overdrive. I read a few of her preliminary articles, and honestly, if I were an Asian guy who had never dated white girl before, this stuff would send me running for the hills.
Another of the staff writers is the editor's girlfriend. She's also a dating coach for Asian men, and knows more than most women about pick-up and game, which is a valuable resource, although a very niche market type of view point. She was a solid choice, though. She's well known throughout the community, respected, attractive, and has a diverse dating history. I find her believable, even if most of what she writes does not pertain to the majority of people in my opinion.
The third is even stranger than the first. She moved to China to find a husband. Dude.... Creep alert!! Who does that?! Fat, white, middle-aged men, that's who!! Am I the only one who finds the fetish aspect extremely gross and creepy??
Where have the normal people gone? I guess nobody finds any solace in the fact that there really is no secret to dating or finding the right mate. It's all common sense, basic human nature, and biology. I love Asian guys. I've always thought they were super hot. However, I never actually set out to find myself an Asian guy. People always ask me what my secret is, how I manged to find and keep an Asian husband, where I found him, why it works. I'm about to tell you the how and the why:
How? We were in the Army together. Right place at the right time.
Why did we get together? Because he adored me, and I couldn't find a real reason not to give him a chance. Plus, he was hot.
Why does it work after all these years? Because I'm able to put up with his bullshit, we make cute babies, and he's still really hot. Oh, and I cook well. Seriously.
People, there is no magic bullet when it comes to dating or marrying Asian men. When you over-analyze it, that's when you have problems. Sure, there are some cultural obstacles, even if yours was born in the US like Thak was, but if you're generally able to roll with the punches, you'll be fine. If any new wife would like to talk with me about how to best accommodate her Asian husband, I'm more than happy to talk with her about that. I've been there before. There are differences, but they are minor, and after a while you don't even notice them. In fact, after six years of marriage to Thak, I mostly notice how he's so much like all my friends' husbands (and he is the only Asian guy in the bunch. The rest are every other race.) They all love Sports Center, and watch ESPN every day. They all like tools, guns, beer, and cars. They all worry about the same things, getting ahead at work, providing well enough for their families, and what the future holds. In all, my Asian husband is a husband. Sure, he eats chicken bones, and shows love for his family by working so hard he's never here for us, and these are known to be Asian tendencies, but once you get used to it, you barely notice it anymore.
There you have it, people. It really is that simple. I don't speak but a few phrases of Thai. I can't stand martial arts movies. I rarely watch anime. I don't wear much Asian fashion (although I do wear some because Thak likes it). I am not Buddhist, Taoist, or Shinto. I eat Asian foods, but only sometimes. I do not like any type of Asian pop music. Hell, I don't even like American pop music. Why would I like that same kind of stuff in a language I don't speak? I am just a white girl from the rural south, and I have an Asian husband. There is no secret.... but if you want something that helps, I'll give you my peach crisp recipe. Guys love that stuff.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I'm magic!
I turned an ugly pair of pig farmer boots (ok, maybe not pig farmer boots. The receipt listed them as "motorcycle boots". Cringe.) into a Vera Bradley purse! Now THAT, my friends, is the magic of Christmas.... and of having husband smart enough to put the receipt in the box when he buys a completely hideous Christmas gift.
And for those who will take his side (because everyone always does), he'll live it down eventually... just not today. You don't buy your wife something called "motorcycle boots" and expect that to go away in a day.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
To Christmas, or not to Christmas?
Thak proposed that we just not celebrate Christmas after this year. It is an interesting suggestion. With kids, I doubt we could really get away with just fully not celebrating it at all. We'd probably scale back to just a few small gifts, and then just a normal day.
It's funny. I mean, we only celebrate Christmas because society expects us to. I have no traditions. Thak has no traditions. We (or at least I) have no desire to make traditions of our own. It used to be a lot of fun to watch the kids open their gifts, but this year, Erin's gimme gimme attitude leading up to the holiday completely sucked all the fun out of that. Watching her open her presents was like watching vultures rip apart the rotting corpse of our bank account. Orren was still delightful. Next year, the kids get four gifts each. That's it. Trying to get her everything she wanted was ridiculous, and made me resent her big time. Because we spent so much on her gifts, we had no money to go out to dinner, and I STILL had to cook, and I hate to cook.
A huge reason I don't like the holidays, dread them all year, in fact, is because of the expectation of all this food. I have to bake all this shit I would never, in ten million years, eat, cook all these foods I don't care about, and then feed them to the same people who appreciate it just as little as they do every other day that I slave away in that kitchen and feed them. It is NOT a holiday if I have to set foot in the kitchen.
We have decided that we will try one more year to celebrate Christmas. These are the stipulations:
4 gifts per kid, no more, no less. (Stocking not included in that count.)
Me and Thak also get something, and it will be something well thought out and good.
All food comes from some kitchen that isn't mine.
We get out of the house and do something fun, like go to the movies.
If Christmas is still drudgery with these changes, we just won't celebrate it anymore. What's the point of doing something that makes us miserable?
It's funny. I mean, we only celebrate Christmas because society expects us to. I have no traditions. Thak has no traditions. We (or at least I) have no desire to make traditions of our own. It used to be a lot of fun to watch the kids open their gifts, but this year, Erin's gimme gimme attitude leading up to the holiday completely sucked all the fun out of that. Watching her open her presents was like watching vultures rip apart the rotting corpse of our bank account. Orren was still delightful. Next year, the kids get four gifts each. That's it. Trying to get her everything she wanted was ridiculous, and made me resent her big time. Because we spent so much on her gifts, we had no money to go out to dinner, and I STILL had to cook, and I hate to cook.
A huge reason I don't like the holidays, dread them all year, in fact, is because of the expectation of all this food. I have to bake all this shit I would never, in ten million years, eat, cook all these foods I don't care about, and then feed them to the same people who appreciate it just as little as they do every other day that I slave away in that kitchen and feed them. It is NOT a holiday if I have to set foot in the kitchen.
We have decided that we will try one more year to celebrate Christmas. These are the stipulations:
4 gifts per kid, no more, no less. (Stocking not included in that count.)
Me and Thak also get something, and it will be something well thought out and good.
All food comes from some kitchen that isn't mine.
We get out of the house and do something fun, like go to the movies.
If Christmas is still drudgery with these changes, we just won't celebrate it anymore. What's the point of doing something that makes us miserable?
Two Years!!!
Happy birthday to my awesome son, Orren Kiet! Two years.... wow. I can't believe it's been that long. Two years ago, he weighed not quite 10 pounds, was not quite 2' tall, and his favorite passtime was a toss-up between sleeping and nursing. He was adorable, looked just like his daddy, and was the most perfect little person we ever could have asked for.
He was born easily and peacefully, under the tall Georgia pines, on a 75 degree Christmas morning, with a warm breeze blowing through the open window of the birth center, off the salt flats of the Savannah River. One year later, he celebrated his first birthday at his uncles' house in Minneapolis, in one of the biggest Christmas snowstorms the Twin Cities had seen in years. This year, he celebrated his birthday, in the 75 degree West Texas sun, with the desert sand under his feet. In two years, he has seen 17 states, and traveled from the coast of Georgia to the tip of Texas, and from the Mexico border to the Canada border. He's eaten everything from bland Minnesota food to spicy Tex-Mex, Thai family recipes, and fish, grits, and greens. He's run wild on farms, ridden down tall hills on a sled, and even seen the Moscow Ballet. He's climbed mountains, made masterpieces with chalk, and helped plant squash seeds in the dirt and then helped harvest it when it had grown big enough. His tastes are as diverse as his heritage, and his experience is more diverse than that.
It's barely the beginning, buddy. You're going to go so far, and do so much, and you're off to one hell of a start.
His birthday cake kind of got messed up, so we made him a giant cookie instead. Good thing I still had enough stuff to make icing. Erin thought it should be green, so that's what we did.
You can't put a giant cookie in front of a little boy and expect that he's not going to just dig right in! He loved it. He also loves his balance bike, his big Lego set from grandma and grandad, and his gift card from Uncle Tom and Uncle Rob. It was a good birthday for Orren!
He was born easily and peacefully, under the tall Georgia pines, on a 75 degree Christmas morning, with a warm breeze blowing through the open window of the birth center, off the salt flats of the Savannah River. One year later, he celebrated his first birthday at his uncles' house in Minneapolis, in one of the biggest Christmas snowstorms the Twin Cities had seen in years. This year, he celebrated his birthday, in the 75 degree West Texas sun, with the desert sand under his feet. In two years, he has seen 17 states, and traveled from the coast of Georgia to the tip of Texas, and from the Mexico border to the Canada border. He's eaten everything from bland Minnesota food to spicy Tex-Mex, Thai family recipes, and fish, grits, and greens. He's run wild on farms, ridden down tall hills on a sled, and even seen the Moscow Ballet. He's climbed mountains, made masterpieces with chalk, and helped plant squash seeds in the dirt and then helped harvest it when it had grown big enough. His tastes are as diverse as his heritage, and his experience is more diverse than that.
It's barely the beginning, buddy. You're going to go so far, and do so much, and you're off to one hell of a start.
His birthday cake kind of got messed up, so we made him a giant cookie instead. Good thing I still had enough stuff to make icing. Erin thought it should be green, so that's what we did.
You can't put a giant cookie in front of a little boy and expect that he's not going to just dig right in! He loved it. He also loves his balance bike, his big Lego set from grandma and grandad, and his gift card from Uncle Tom and Uncle Rob. It was a good birthday for Orren!
It's the thought that counts.
I am so sick of this saying. Thak got me the most hideous pair of boots I have ever seen in my life, and honestly, I'm kind of hurt over it. This is the first time in YEARS he's gotten me a gift. Every year, he agonizes over what to get me (and this is for Christmas, birthday, anniversary, everything) and ultimately, settles on nothing. This year, he got me something. The anticipation was insane. Oh my god, my husband got me a present. This is going to be insane. Then I opened it, and it was absolutely hideous, looked nothing like anything I would ever wear, and honestly, I was really disappointed because he hadn't listened at all when I told him what I wanted. We had even walked through the shoe department at the PX and I had commented on how ugly their entire selection of boots was, how they must have the worst shoe buyer in town, and so he bought me a pair of boots from the PX. First gift he's gotten me in years. I think I'm allowed to be a little hurt over that.
My friends are assholes, ok. Assholes. I was in total shock after I opened this gift. I literally dropped the box after I opened it. If someone was obviously very hurt and shocked over something like this, I for damned sure wouldn't tell them to just be grateful that they got something or that their husband is home. That is such a load of bullshit. I have not gotten anything IN YEARS. We have spent more holidays apart than most people. This does not excuse him from actually thinking, and getting me something that is as much for me, as the things I get him are for him. There are only about a million things I would absolutely love, and not all of them cost much at all, but no.... I get the ugly transvestite farmer boots.
But it's the thought that counts!! This is what everyone says. Let's examine that for a minute. In fact, it's rather true. A good gift shows that the giver thought of the recipient and picked out something that would suit them. When your own husband buys you something that would suit a cross dressing hog farmer from Juarez who turns tricks on the side, it makes you wonder what he really thinks of you. It's not like he's used up all the good ideas... First gift in years, and it completely blows.
I will be so glad when this day is over and I can take these awful boots back to the PX. In fact, he will carry them in, put them on the counter, and handle the return himself. I'm not even touching this box. I put it outside because I don't even want them in my house they're so hideous.
So yeah, come to think of it, it is the thought that counts. It's not good enough to just give NOTHING for years on end, and then pick out any old random thing when you finally do decide that nothing isn't the right answer again. I honestly think an ill thought out gift is WORSE than nothing. When he gets me nothing, I can tell myself that he simply ran out of money, or that they ran out of what he wanted to get me. When he gets me something awful, it's like he didn't even bother to try.
My friends are assholes, ok. Assholes. I was in total shock after I opened this gift. I literally dropped the box after I opened it. If someone was obviously very hurt and shocked over something like this, I for damned sure wouldn't tell them to just be grateful that they got something or that their husband is home. That is such a load of bullshit. I have not gotten anything IN YEARS. We have spent more holidays apart than most people. This does not excuse him from actually thinking, and getting me something that is as much for me, as the things I get him are for him. There are only about a million things I would absolutely love, and not all of them cost much at all, but no.... I get the ugly transvestite farmer boots.
But it's the thought that counts!! This is what everyone says. Let's examine that for a minute. In fact, it's rather true. A good gift shows that the giver thought of the recipient and picked out something that would suit them. When your own husband buys you something that would suit a cross dressing hog farmer from Juarez who turns tricks on the side, it makes you wonder what he really thinks of you. It's not like he's used up all the good ideas... First gift in years, and it completely blows.
I will be so glad when this day is over and I can take these awful boots back to the PX. In fact, he will carry them in, put them on the counter, and handle the return himself. I'm not even touching this box. I put it outside because I don't even want them in my house they're so hideous.
So yeah, come to think of it, it is the thought that counts. It's not good enough to just give NOTHING for years on end, and then pick out any old random thing when you finally do decide that nothing isn't the right answer again. I honestly think an ill thought out gift is WORSE than nothing. When he gets me nothing, I can tell myself that he simply ran out of money, or that they ran out of what he wanted to get me. When he gets me something awful, it's like he didn't even bother to try.
Friday, December 24, 2010
A very Maijala Christmas
Ah yes.... there are my children, looking all angelic, almost normal (unless you count the way one won't wear clothes, and the other will only wear that dress). Ah yes, the santa hats, the lemon hazlenut pastry cookies with jelly filling in the middle, the sushi diaper cover (ok, not the sushi diaper cover), the subtle glimpse of daddy's Army uniform in the background, as if to hint at some miraculous homecoming just in the nick of time (even though he has a 4-day weekend and hasn't been deployed in years), and even Frank the dog looking on.... So perfect.
Oh hell, who are we fooling?! This was taken like two seconds prior to the other. Orren running screaming through the picture, even more mess visible, and if you look very closely, you can see that there are no ornaments on the lower portion of the tree (and you can fill in the blanks on what little boy that is on account of). Yup, that's us.
Oh hell, who are we fooling?! This was taken like two seconds prior to the other. Orren running screaming through the picture, even more mess visible, and if you look very closely, you can see that there are no ornaments on the lower portion of the tree (and you can fill in the blanks on what little boy that is on account of). Yup, that's us.
Happy holidays! You work!
There is one holiday gift that I wish every mom and mom-to-be could receive. It's simple, just the knowledge that she works. I think it's sad how many honestly believe that they don't work, that they couldn't have babies without medical intervention, and that they actually need this harmful crap that puts them through terrible things, and lands their babies in the NICU for days to weeks on end.
I was shocked at a recent conversation among moms I know here, of which the group consensus was that they were all incapable of going into labor on their own, and so were most of their relatives. One girl even said that she was the first one in her entire family ever to go into labor on her own, but it only happened once out of her four, so it was just a fluke, not actually in line with the family bloodline.
I said, "Well, I do believe pregnancy length may be hereditary, but everyone will go into labor on their own eventually. You are probably just genetically predisposed to having longer pregnancies than the mainstream medical establishment will let you have. You know, there's nothing wrong with carrying a baby longer than 40 weeks. Mine average in the 42 week range, but they all come out." In fact, I know of a few homebirth moms who have carried every baby to 43 or 44 weeks. If you actually ask them, they were all at least 42 week babies themselves, most 43 or 44. So is pregnancy length genetic? Yeah, I think so. In absence of inductions, we may even see some trends along ethnic lines, just as we do in the animal kingdom, where we clearly observe that different breeds of cattle have a variance of a few weeks when it comes to gestation length. However, one thing remains true, whatever the species, the ethnicity, or the surname. All babies come out. Everybody is capable of going into labor on their own. If you'll demand to be given the respect and dignity of carrying your baby until he/she is truly ready to come out, and will not consent to an induction, you would see that you work quite well, and are probably rather good at this whole labor thing.
On the logical side, if every single member of your family was completely incapable of going into labor on their own, due to some perceived genetic tendency, then how are you here? There wasn't this thing called labor induction until relatively modern times. I guarantee your grandmother went into labor on her own, and if you guys are from a rural area, she was probably a homebirther, too. You exist because your bloodline is solid, and CAN have babies without medical intervention. Stop letting the medical establishment tell you that you're broken. You're not. You work perfectly well, and if you would find yourself a practitioner who respects you enough to believe that, you would see for yourself.
You work. You exist because your people are good at having babies. Believe it.
I was shocked at a recent conversation among moms I know here, of which the group consensus was that they were all incapable of going into labor on their own, and so were most of their relatives. One girl even said that she was the first one in her entire family ever to go into labor on her own, but it only happened once out of her four, so it was just a fluke, not actually in line with the family bloodline.
I said, "Well, I do believe pregnancy length may be hereditary, but everyone will go into labor on their own eventually. You are probably just genetically predisposed to having longer pregnancies than the mainstream medical establishment will let you have. You know, there's nothing wrong with carrying a baby longer than 40 weeks. Mine average in the 42 week range, but they all come out." In fact, I know of a few homebirth moms who have carried every baby to 43 or 44 weeks. If you actually ask them, they were all at least 42 week babies themselves, most 43 or 44. So is pregnancy length genetic? Yeah, I think so. In absence of inductions, we may even see some trends along ethnic lines, just as we do in the animal kingdom, where we clearly observe that different breeds of cattle have a variance of a few weeks when it comes to gestation length. However, one thing remains true, whatever the species, the ethnicity, or the surname. All babies come out. Everybody is capable of going into labor on their own. If you'll demand to be given the respect and dignity of carrying your baby until he/she is truly ready to come out, and will not consent to an induction, you would see that you work quite well, and are probably rather good at this whole labor thing.
On the logical side, if every single member of your family was completely incapable of going into labor on their own, due to some perceived genetic tendency, then how are you here? There wasn't this thing called labor induction until relatively modern times. I guarantee your grandmother went into labor on her own, and if you guys are from a rural area, she was probably a homebirther, too. You exist because your bloodline is solid, and CAN have babies without medical intervention. Stop letting the medical establishment tell you that you're broken. You're not. You work perfectly well, and if you would find yourself a practitioner who respects you enough to believe that, you would see for yourself.
You work. You exist because your people are good at having babies. Believe it.
We loved the ballet!
4 mezzanine seats at the Moscow Ballet's Great Russian Nutcracker: $160
1 red maternity dress: $30
Parking: $5
Seeing the look on Erin's face when she saw these beautiful Russian dancers onstage alongside local kids, including one from her very own ballet school, and realized she could be up there herself someday: Absolutely priceless
Thak thought only rich people went to the ballet. I guess when you grow up in the middle of nowhere, that's the kind of idea you get. He wasn't sure about going, and honestly, when I bought our tickets for this show, three months ago, I was surprised when he told me to buy four. I thought I would just take Erin, and he and Orren would stay home and work in the garage or something (that's what he and Orren generally do when they're at home together). When Thak told me to buy four tickets, I was definitely surprised, but I bought them.
Yesterday, it seemed like a huge disaster as we were getting ready to go. Erin kept asking to wear this one summer dress, even though I'd already vetoed it 5 times, then she finally told me an hour before we had to leave, that she had gotten pasta on the dress I wanted her to wear. (How?!! She hadn't even worn it!) so Thak found it, brought it to me, and I washed the pasta sauce off it in the sink. Disaster averted. Then we realized Orren had outgrown all his good clothes. Thak managed to find some cordoroys and a polo shirt that still fit him, so he wore that, and looked very studly. Then there was Thak. I don't think it ever occurred to him that people don't wear jeans and t-shirts to the ballet. Thak has an aversion to nice clothes, and picked out some jeans with a giant hole in them. I said hell no, and he informed me (an hour before we had to leave) that his "good" jeans were dirty. Outstanding. So we washed them, and dried them, and he puts them on with this one button-up shirt.... not so bad. Then he rolled up the sleeves. Dude... you're killing me here. I got him to roll the sleeves down again, and he topped the whole outfit off with his hunting boots and his Vikings hat. Sometimes things are just beyond hope, so I let it go. Later, he thought better of it, exchanged his hunting boots for his ropers, and left the hat at home. Better.
I had been planning my outfit for weeks, because really, my maternity wardrobe sucks, I bought this red dress at Target that could be dressed down with leggings and boots for everyday, or dressed up with heels and bling for going out. I had planned to wear it with my super awesome Steve Maddens with their dark red heels and black with white polka dot uppers... it would have been so cool. Unfortunately, between Thak's promotion ceremony, and living in the desert for the past nearly two years, the rocks have killed my favorite shoes, so we had a bit of a shoe malfunction. I ended up wearing my far plainer and not half as awesome black BCBG's, but it was ok. Then other than the fact that somewhere between Georgia and Texas, the pins for my hot roller set got lost, everything else went off mostly without a hitch (minus the fact that I swear, someday I'll learn to do my hair like everyone else on the planet seems to know how to do theirs. I suck so bad at hair!) So anyhow, end result (oh, and 18 weeks!!)
When we finally got out the door, it was actually perfect timing, despite a traffic jam on 10. We got a great parking space in the garage just two blocks from the theater, and despite a super long line at the door, we got to our seats about five minutes before the show started. It was perfect timing.
The show itself was amazing. It was by far the best performance of The Nutcracker I have ever seen, and even though Thak did not know the story line, he managed to follow it well enough, and actually liked it! That surprised me. I was expecting him to say something like, "Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be." when we left, but no comment like that ever came. I was very surprised. Even Orren loved it. He switched places between me and Thak every so often, but mostly just watched what was going on down on the stage. He loved it. Erin, of course, loved it! She loved the costumes, and noticed that a lot of the dances include some of the same movements she practices now. She noticed the children's cast that had a role in many of the dances, and realized that most of them were not much older than her. She plans to try out for the children's cast in a few years. (They come here and do this show annually because it is such a success. Every year, there is this opportunity for young local dancers to be onstage with the Moscow Ballet!) I think in a few years we will see Erin up there! She loved it. She kept saying, "Mommy, this is the BEST day EVER!"
And this is what she looked like halfway home:
1 red maternity dress: $30
Parking: $5
Seeing the look on Erin's face when she saw these beautiful Russian dancers onstage alongside local kids, including one from her very own ballet school, and realized she could be up there herself someday: Absolutely priceless
Thak thought only rich people went to the ballet. I guess when you grow up in the middle of nowhere, that's the kind of idea you get. He wasn't sure about going, and honestly, when I bought our tickets for this show, three months ago, I was surprised when he told me to buy four. I thought I would just take Erin, and he and Orren would stay home and work in the garage or something (that's what he and Orren generally do when they're at home together). When Thak told me to buy four tickets, I was definitely surprised, but I bought them.
Yesterday, it seemed like a huge disaster as we were getting ready to go. Erin kept asking to wear this one summer dress, even though I'd already vetoed it 5 times, then she finally told me an hour before we had to leave, that she had gotten pasta on the dress I wanted her to wear. (How?!! She hadn't even worn it!) so Thak found it, brought it to me, and I washed the pasta sauce off it in the sink. Disaster averted. Then we realized Orren had outgrown all his good clothes. Thak managed to find some cordoroys and a polo shirt that still fit him, so he wore that, and looked very studly. Then there was Thak. I don't think it ever occurred to him that people don't wear jeans and t-shirts to the ballet. Thak has an aversion to nice clothes, and picked out some jeans with a giant hole in them. I said hell no, and he informed me (an hour before we had to leave) that his "good" jeans were dirty. Outstanding. So we washed them, and dried them, and he puts them on with this one button-up shirt.... not so bad. Then he rolled up the sleeves. Dude... you're killing me here. I got him to roll the sleeves down again, and he topped the whole outfit off with his hunting boots and his Vikings hat. Sometimes things are just beyond hope, so I let it go. Later, he thought better of it, exchanged his hunting boots for his ropers, and left the hat at home. Better.
I had been planning my outfit for weeks, because really, my maternity wardrobe sucks, I bought this red dress at Target that could be dressed down with leggings and boots for everyday, or dressed up with heels and bling for going out. I had planned to wear it with my super awesome Steve Maddens with their dark red heels and black with white polka dot uppers... it would have been so cool. Unfortunately, between Thak's promotion ceremony, and living in the desert for the past nearly two years, the rocks have killed my favorite shoes, so we had a bit of a shoe malfunction. I ended up wearing my far plainer and not half as awesome black BCBG's, but it was ok. Then other than the fact that somewhere between Georgia and Texas, the pins for my hot roller set got lost, everything else went off mostly without a hitch (minus the fact that I swear, someday I'll learn to do my hair like everyone else on the planet seems to know how to do theirs. I suck so bad at hair!) So anyhow, end result (oh, and 18 weeks!!)
When we finally got out the door, it was actually perfect timing, despite a traffic jam on 10. We got a great parking space in the garage just two blocks from the theater, and despite a super long line at the door, we got to our seats about five minutes before the show started. It was perfect timing.
The show itself was amazing. It was by far the best performance of The Nutcracker I have ever seen, and even though Thak did not know the story line, he managed to follow it well enough, and actually liked it! That surprised me. I was expecting him to say something like, "Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be." when we left, but no comment like that ever came. I was very surprised. Even Orren loved it. He switched places between me and Thak every so often, but mostly just watched what was going on down on the stage. He loved it. Erin, of course, loved it! She loved the costumes, and noticed that a lot of the dances include some of the same movements she practices now. She noticed the children's cast that had a role in many of the dances, and realized that most of them were not much older than her. She plans to try out for the children's cast in a few years. (They come here and do this show annually because it is such a success. Every year, there is this opportunity for young local dancers to be onstage with the Moscow Ballet!) I think in a few years we will see Erin up there! She loved it. She kept saying, "Mommy, this is the BEST day EVER!"
And this is what she looked like halfway home:
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wow. It just keeps getting better.
This morning, a girl I know went to something called "OB Sick Call", basically, that's where if you're pregnant, and think you need to be seen for some reason, you go into the Army hospital, and they'll give you the same crap level of care they always give. This time was different, though. The nurse told her there was no provider there, and that she could just suck it up and go away. Holy shit, dude.
I had been very nice about the whole hospital birth thing before this, but that was it. I said, "Well, I think I see why every person I know who does hospital births here has problems. There is no care. Why are you accepting this? Why do they still get your business? If I thought something was wrong, I would call my midwife's cell phone, and she would come to my house and make sure everything was ok. Why do so many accept less? Obviously most practitioners don't do in-home appointments, far less same day ones, but I don't think it's asking much to be able to call your practitioner at their office, and come in to be seen." I just really want to know why these people are accepting this NON-care that they are given.
I see why every baby born here seems to go to the NICU, and why the majority of moms here end up with some form of pregnancy complication. They don't receive care. Not only is the focus on treatment of problems when they arise (and by the time they notice it, it's always to emergency proportions), rather than being on prevention as it is for me, but nobody listens, nobody cares. THIS is why when I polled my friends at a coffee about whether or not they had issues with their probiotic making them nauseous during pregnancy (I just wanted to know if it was common because I couldn't find any publications about it), the group consensus was that I should call Walgreen's and ask them what I should do. My question was, "Why call Walgreen's? I have a midwife, you know." (As it was, I did ask Alyson, and she cleared up that issue for me.) I wondered why the idea was to call Walgreen's for advice on something pregnancy-related. It just sounded ridiculous to me. It is because these girls have nowhere to turn other than each other (which is scary, honestly, due to the lack of education that goes on in these hospital practices) and random places around town, like Walgreen's. It's scary and sad.
I had been very nice about the whole hospital birth thing before this, but that was it. I said, "Well, I think I see why every person I know who does hospital births here has problems. There is no care. Why are you accepting this? Why do they still get your business? If I thought something was wrong, I would call my midwife's cell phone, and she would come to my house and make sure everything was ok. Why do so many accept less? Obviously most practitioners don't do in-home appointments, far less same day ones, but I don't think it's asking much to be able to call your practitioner at their office, and come in to be seen." I just really want to know why these people are accepting this NON-care that they are given.
I see why every baby born here seems to go to the NICU, and why the majority of moms here end up with some form of pregnancy complication. They don't receive care. Not only is the focus on treatment of problems when they arise (and by the time they notice it, it's always to emergency proportions), rather than being on prevention as it is for me, but nobody listens, nobody cares. THIS is why when I polled my friends at a coffee about whether or not they had issues with their probiotic making them nauseous during pregnancy (I just wanted to know if it was common because I couldn't find any publications about it), the group consensus was that I should call Walgreen's and ask them what I should do. My question was, "Why call Walgreen's? I have a midwife, you know." (As it was, I did ask Alyson, and she cleared up that issue for me.) I wondered why the idea was to call Walgreen's for advice on something pregnancy-related. It just sounded ridiculous to me. It is because these girls have nowhere to turn other than each other (which is scary, honestly, due to the lack of education that goes on in these hospital practices) and random places around town, like Walgreen's. It's scary and sad.
Housing allowance cuts, and you.
As I said before, even though there was a cut in housing allowance for Thak's rank and this post, we will not take the decrease personally since there is an Individual Rate Protection clause which locks us in at the drastically higher 2010 rate since we're already here and receiving it. It is for our inbound peers that this really sucks, so many of us have raised this concern to our Garrison Commander since we don't want our fellow E6 wives to have to struggle the way most of us did prior to 2010 when the rates went up to what they are now. By making the 2011 rates basically equivalent of the 2009 rates, they have really screwed a lot of people.
Initially, our Garrison Commander was very supportive, and said he understood, and had already resubmitted it to DOD for a review. Awesome. That's all we can ask of him. As of yesterday, he said that those lower ranking than us were really the ones getting too little (Even though their rates actually went up slightly?!) and we were actually fine. Granted, we are getting more than they are, but for how long most of our husbands have served, we should get more! We shouldn't have to resort to living in apartments, or bad neighborhoods, or remote suburbs. No, at this rank,we shouldn't. My husband, for one, has served EIGHTEEN YEARS. For that, he has absolutely earned the right to get us a HOUSE where we don't have to share walls with strangers, and that is located close enough to post that he can eat every meal at home, and that is in a safe enough neighborhood that our kids can play outside without a care in the world. This is not unreasonable, and with how much rents have risen here in the past year, our inbound peers will not be able to afford this, and that is not right! We will keep our house. Those inbound will not get anything this good unless they pay a ton of money out of pocket. It was not right to slash the housing allowance on this rank. Oh, and ONLY this rank. It was an absolutely atrocious choice, to be perfectly frank... of course, I didn't tell the Colonel that.
This has caused many conversations in the week or so since the new rate chart came out, and something occurred to me. People who have always gotten their money's worth out of post housing should never give commentary on off post issues. There's this one First Sergeant's wife who really irritates me. No, not the one from before who told the lower-enlisted wife "tisk tisk tisk". No, this one isn't THAT bad, but pretty close. For doing 23 years of Army, she surely doesn't have a clue about off post living because for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 23 years, she lived on post. What's more, she's always gotten her money's worth. She had her first baby when her husband was an E1, and by the time he made Sergeant, they had 4. They have 6 now. So basically, someone with that many kids, and starting at that low of a rank, has NO IDEA what it's like to be in a position of getting royally ripped off by the post housing contractor if you get on the list. Trust me, post housing is a very different proposition for someone who's going to get a 4 BR, regardless of rank, than it is for someone who's going to pay more than any of their neighbors, and probably get a 2 BR. You know, technically, this idiot housing contractor we have here (I say that because we dealt with these jackasses at Ft. Stewart, too) could give me and Thak a 2 BR if we got on the list. They also COULD shove us in with the lower-enlisteds still because they just flung the rank restriction wide open on like half the housing areas here. So basically, me and Thak are people who have been responsible about our number of children, and we would get royally screwed by every housing contractor on the planet because of it, while people like this 1SG wife, who just reproduced to her little heart's content from the rank of E1 get anything and everything. Any housing contractor will freely tell you that the reason they can give low ranking people big houses is because some higher ranking people can be placed in smaller houses than they are paying for, so that's why it is really bad for me and Thak to live on post. We HATE picking up the tab for PVT's who can't seem to master birth control. So basically, people who have only stood on the side of the fence of having their tab picked up, cannot really speak on off post issues, or of post housing fairness, because they obviously think on post living is the greatest deal going, since it has been for them. These people never see the other side, while those of us who have been on the more rank/fewer kids side of the fence, see clearly how vital it is to have off post living be a viable option for people, especially in today's world of privatized housing where it really doesn't save the Army any money at all to have soldiers live on post.
I also think the entire housing system needs a revamp, and fast. The old system that we are on now, and I just learned this yesterday from our Garrison Commander, is made to pay only 80% of the cost of living off post. Really? I see what they're trying to do with that. They're trying to make it more attractive for soldiers to live on post, because before housing was privatized, that saved the army billions a year because people were renting from the Army instead of the Army dishing out money every month for people to pay their landlords. Now that housing is privatized, though, the same amount of money goes out each month regardless of where soldiers live. It's as if 100% of soldiers live off post, in a financial sense.
What's more, this system doesn't work anymore. Lower-enlisted soldiers no longer need Commander approval to marry, so they marry in droves. Recruiters are instructed to enlist people no matter if they have dependents or not, and so we have people enlisting who already have families. With the enlistment age cutoff raised to the mid 40's, we have flung open the door to hoards of enlistees who will need more than a barracks room. Even ROTC programs are allowing cadets with dependents, which is a change within the past five years. You didn't used to see many married Second Lieutenants, but you see tons now. The number of soldiers with dependents has skyrocketed in the past decade, hence, the need for post housing has grown far faster than the Army can keep up with it, so a lot of people have to live off post. The majority of people at this post live off post for a year or more before coming up on the list for post housing, so basically, when they finally do come up on the list, they will have to break their lease (which is difficult), lose all their deposits (and around here, deposits are exorbitant! We paid about $1600 in deposits to our landlord alone when we moved in here, and they said explicitly, "You don't get this back if you move on post."), and move at their own expense.
This all seems pretty fair until you consider that the housing allowance is designed to pay only 80% of living expenses on the local economy. What I see there is that the soldier is being penalized for the Army's inability to provide housing for everyone. Now, I'm also not implying that providing housing for 100% of personnel would ever be feasible, because it's not. The issue, though, is that this system is antiquated, and would only have worked during the times when there were so few married soldiers that the Army really could realistically provide housing on post for all but a few. Those days have come and gone, and in today's world, it makes sense for it to be a viable and sustainable choice to live off post, because, simply, on post isn't going to be an option for a ton of people, not to mention, while the system thrives on people like me and Thak getting less than we pay for from the post housing contractor, there's really not much that would make that an attractive option for people like us. I guess if they want to decrease the number of soldiers (and they do. Thak's quota took a nosedive this year!) screwing over middle ranked NCO's is one way to do it, although making cuts of direct supervisory level leaders is a strange way to go about it.
Initially, our Garrison Commander was very supportive, and said he understood, and had already resubmitted it to DOD for a review. Awesome. That's all we can ask of him. As of yesterday, he said that those lower ranking than us were really the ones getting too little (Even though their rates actually went up slightly?!) and we were actually fine. Granted, we are getting more than they are, but for how long most of our husbands have served, we should get more! We shouldn't have to resort to living in apartments, or bad neighborhoods, or remote suburbs. No, at this rank,we shouldn't. My husband, for one, has served EIGHTEEN YEARS. For that, he has absolutely earned the right to get us a HOUSE where we don't have to share walls with strangers, and that is located close enough to post that he can eat every meal at home, and that is in a safe enough neighborhood that our kids can play outside without a care in the world. This is not unreasonable, and with how much rents have risen here in the past year, our inbound peers will not be able to afford this, and that is not right! We will keep our house. Those inbound will not get anything this good unless they pay a ton of money out of pocket. It was not right to slash the housing allowance on this rank. Oh, and ONLY this rank. It was an absolutely atrocious choice, to be perfectly frank... of course, I didn't tell the Colonel that.
This has caused many conversations in the week or so since the new rate chart came out, and something occurred to me. People who have always gotten their money's worth out of post housing should never give commentary on off post issues. There's this one First Sergeant's wife who really irritates me. No, not the one from before who told the lower-enlisted wife "tisk tisk tisk". No, this one isn't THAT bad, but pretty close. For doing 23 years of Army, she surely doesn't have a clue about off post living because for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 23 years, she lived on post. What's more, she's always gotten her money's worth. She had her first baby when her husband was an E1, and by the time he made Sergeant, they had 4. They have 6 now. So basically, someone with that many kids, and starting at that low of a rank, has NO IDEA what it's like to be in a position of getting royally ripped off by the post housing contractor if you get on the list. Trust me, post housing is a very different proposition for someone who's going to get a 4 BR, regardless of rank, than it is for someone who's going to pay more than any of their neighbors, and probably get a 2 BR. You know, technically, this idiot housing contractor we have here (I say that because we dealt with these jackasses at Ft. Stewart, too) could give me and Thak a 2 BR if we got on the list. They also COULD shove us in with the lower-enlisteds still because they just flung the rank restriction wide open on like half the housing areas here. So basically, me and Thak are people who have been responsible about our number of children, and we would get royally screwed by every housing contractor on the planet because of it, while people like this 1SG wife, who just reproduced to her little heart's content from the rank of E1 get anything and everything. Any housing contractor will freely tell you that the reason they can give low ranking people big houses is because some higher ranking people can be placed in smaller houses than they are paying for, so that's why it is really bad for me and Thak to live on post. We HATE picking up the tab for PVT's who can't seem to master birth control. So basically, people who have only stood on the side of the fence of having their tab picked up, cannot really speak on off post issues, or of post housing fairness, because they obviously think on post living is the greatest deal going, since it has been for them. These people never see the other side, while those of us who have been on the more rank/fewer kids side of the fence, see clearly how vital it is to have off post living be a viable option for people, especially in today's world of privatized housing where it really doesn't save the Army any money at all to have soldiers live on post.
I also think the entire housing system needs a revamp, and fast. The old system that we are on now, and I just learned this yesterday from our Garrison Commander, is made to pay only 80% of the cost of living off post. Really? I see what they're trying to do with that. They're trying to make it more attractive for soldiers to live on post, because before housing was privatized, that saved the army billions a year because people were renting from the Army instead of the Army dishing out money every month for people to pay their landlords. Now that housing is privatized, though, the same amount of money goes out each month regardless of where soldiers live. It's as if 100% of soldiers live off post, in a financial sense.
What's more, this system doesn't work anymore. Lower-enlisted soldiers no longer need Commander approval to marry, so they marry in droves. Recruiters are instructed to enlist people no matter if they have dependents or not, and so we have people enlisting who already have families. With the enlistment age cutoff raised to the mid 40's, we have flung open the door to hoards of enlistees who will need more than a barracks room. Even ROTC programs are allowing cadets with dependents, which is a change within the past five years. You didn't used to see many married Second Lieutenants, but you see tons now. The number of soldiers with dependents has skyrocketed in the past decade, hence, the need for post housing has grown far faster than the Army can keep up with it, so a lot of people have to live off post. The majority of people at this post live off post for a year or more before coming up on the list for post housing, so basically, when they finally do come up on the list, they will have to break their lease (which is difficult), lose all their deposits (and around here, deposits are exorbitant! We paid about $1600 in deposits to our landlord alone when we moved in here, and they said explicitly, "You don't get this back if you move on post."), and move at their own expense.
This all seems pretty fair until you consider that the housing allowance is designed to pay only 80% of living expenses on the local economy. What I see there is that the soldier is being penalized for the Army's inability to provide housing for everyone. Now, I'm also not implying that providing housing for 100% of personnel would ever be feasible, because it's not. The issue, though, is that this system is antiquated, and would only have worked during the times when there were so few married soldiers that the Army really could realistically provide housing on post for all but a few. Those days have come and gone, and in today's world, it makes sense for it to be a viable and sustainable choice to live off post, because, simply, on post isn't going to be an option for a ton of people, not to mention, while the system thrives on people like me and Thak getting less than we pay for from the post housing contractor, there's really not much that would make that an attractive option for people like us. I guess if they want to decrease the number of soldiers (and they do. Thak's quota took a nosedive this year!) screwing over middle ranked NCO's is one way to do it, although making cuts of direct supervisory level leaders is a strange way to go about it.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Another one?
Another girl I know here had her baby this week. She was at the Army hospital. The baby has gone to the NICU, and will not be home anytime this week, and she has not yet been released either. This is an epidemic here. I am trying to think if I know anybody who's done a hospital birth here lately (Army or civilian hospital, public or private) and gotten to go home the next day and take the baby with them when they went, and I'm really not coming up with anything.
Hospital birth is scary. I don't see how anyone can see all this happening, and still think it looks like a good idea for any healthy, low-risk, full-term delivery. From where I sit, I see moms who have had to wait as much as 48 hours to even meet their babies. I see every baby shipped across town to some NICU or another, and not sent home for a week and a half, minimum. I see young, healthy, low-risk women who should not have any of this happening to them, somehow subjected to every one of what should be considered as unlikely possibilities.
The World Health Organization says that homebirth is at least as safe as, or safer than, hospital birth for roughly 85% of women. Yet in the US, almost all women birth in hospitals. How many of these babies would be in the NICU if they had been born at one of the birth centers, or at home? My guess? Maybe one, probably not that many.
Thak and I watched a really good documentary today about birth. The emphasis was really on the dads, but obviously when it's a movie about birth, it's about the whole family. One of the things that it discussed was how inhuman hospital procedures are to the newborn, and how they disenfranchise the entire family, and completely disallow the father to play his natural role in the process.
I was very pleased with Thak when he said that if anyone even thought of treating me and the baby the way the moms and babies were treated in that documentary (which is protocol in US hospitals these days), he would stand up to them, and as soon as I was able, we would take our baby and walk out. He said he would have a hard time not punching someone in the face for treating our baby the way hospital born babies are treated, and that the person who thinks they'll take our baby away from us will have him to deal with and hell to pay.
Again, I find myself feeling lucky for what I have. I know I am lucky to know that I have choices other than hospital birth, and that they are safe choices, and that I am lucky to have found a great midwife to help me along on my homebirth journey. Even more than any of that, though, I'm lucky to have Thak. He knows what a good birth is because he was part of Orren's absolutely perfect birth just two years ago, and not only that, he believes firmly in the process, and would defend, even to the death, the kids' and my human rights. He is my greatest ally, and I have to say, it brings some peace of mind knowing that even if I do become a transfer this time (which hopefully I won't. My odds are about 1% with Alyson's record.) Thak will be with me every step of the way to make sure we don't end up like these others.
I don't know what the mainstream medical establishment is dishing out these days, but it isn't good, and me and Thak both know that we don't want any of it. We're not sure why anyone would risk it under the circumstances. Guess we're just not brave enough to try a hospital birth, huh?
Hospital birth is scary. I don't see how anyone can see all this happening, and still think it looks like a good idea for any healthy, low-risk, full-term delivery. From where I sit, I see moms who have had to wait as much as 48 hours to even meet their babies. I see every baby shipped across town to some NICU or another, and not sent home for a week and a half, minimum. I see young, healthy, low-risk women who should not have any of this happening to them, somehow subjected to every one of what should be considered as unlikely possibilities.
The World Health Organization says that homebirth is at least as safe as, or safer than, hospital birth for roughly 85% of women. Yet in the US, almost all women birth in hospitals. How many of these babies would be in the NICU if they had been born at one of the birth centers, or at home? My guess? Maybe one, probably not that many.
Thak and I watched a really good documentary today about birth. The emphasis was really on the dads, but obviously when it's a movie about birth, it's about the whole family. One of the things that it discussed was how inhuman hospital procedures are to the newborn, and how they disenfranchise the entire family, and completely disallow the father to play his natural role in the process.
I was very pleased with Thak when he said that if anyone even thought of treating me and the baby the way the moms and babies were treated in that documentary (which is protocol in US hospitals these days), he would stand up to them, and as soon as I was able, we would take our baby and walk out. He said he would have a hard time not punching someone in the face for treating our baby the way hospital born babies are treated, and that the person who thinks they'll take our baby away from us will have him to deal with and hell to pay.
Again, I find myself feeling lucky for what I have. I know I am lucky to know that I have choices other than hospital birth, and that they are safe choices, and that I am lucky to have found a great midwife to help me along on my homebirth journey. Even more than any of that, though, I'm lucky to have Thak. He knows what a good birth is because he was part of Orren's absolutely perfect birth just two years ago, and not only that, he believes firmly in the process, and would defend, even to the death, the kids' and my human rights. He is my greatest ally, and I have to say, it brings some peace of mind knowing that even if I do become a transfer this time (which hopefully I won't. My odds are about 1% with Alyson's record.) Thak will be with me every step of the way to make sure we don't end up like these others.
I don't know what the mainstream medical establishment is dishing out these days, but it isn't good, and me and Thak both know that we don't want any of it. We're not sure why anyone would risk it under the circumstances. Guess we're just not brave enough to try a hospital birth, huh?
Holiday, etc.
In recent years, it seems like there is a huge backlash from the Religious Right when it comes to the way the holidays are acknowledged and celebrated. I swear, not a day goes by that someone dosen't make some sanctimonious comment about "keeping Christ in Christmas" by telling their kids that Santa works for Jesus, or some other such thing, or signs an email or tweet, "Merry CHRISTmas", or something else like that.
You know, I'm totally fine with people acknowledging whatever holiday they want, whatever way they want. I have a problem with people trying to put their way off on others, or diminish other people's ways, and that's what it seems like the Religious Right is doing.
In the Army, the unit holiday party is mandatory if your unit has one, so making it ONLY a Christmas party is actually pretty discriminatory. I will be the first to say that since something like 90% of Army Chaplains are of one Christian faith or another, soldiers who are not, will need to speak up if they want their side of things represented in the unit party. I always tell people that they should just make some decorations that represent their traditions, and volunteer for the set-up committee so that they can get them in there. Most Chaplains also give the same advice. They are of their own view point, but have the job of supporting soldiers of all faiths, so they are a great asset in helping any soldier represent their side in the unit holiday celebration, This always works famously, and the holiday party truly represents all soldiers who have spoken up and represented themselves. I have seen Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Yule/Solstice decorations alongside the Christmas decorations at many unit parties I've attended over the years.
The problem comes when the announcement calls it a Holiday Party rather than a Christmas Party. The Religious Right just flips out at this. They think it's "overly PC" to acknowledge holidays other than Christmas. I think that's just so asinine. Our country has people of all faiths. Why can't everyone be acknowledged? A lot of people have holidays this time of year. Why should the Army, which includes soldiers of all faiths and views, only acknowledge one?
What's more, for some people, Christmas is not a religious holiday at all. For a lot of people, it's just a fun holiday that's mostly about Santa, and presents, and food. It's not wrong if it's a completely religious holiday for some people. It's also not wrong if it's a secular holiday for others. I have never seen someone who prefers a more secular approach in their own life try to put that off on the religious ones, but I see the reverse all the time from November to January. It's absolutely ridiculous.
So basically, this is America. Freedom of religion is guaranteed to us in the Constitution. That means freedom to opt out of the religious aspects of things, is also implied. Plus, if you want to get really technical about it, ask any historian. There's no way Jesus was actually born in December. Christmas as we know it, is merely a piggybacked celebration on the Celtic celebration of Yule. This was done to make it a more attractive prospect for the Irish to accept Catholicism. The equivalent can be said of nearly every holiday that's celebrated by any Christian denomination these days. If you're going to harp on something being done "the way it was always done", let's go ahead and get it right. It's Yule, it was night before last, and did you have a bonfire, light yellow candles, or hang a Yule wreath? No? Neither did I. It's ok. The point is, historical fact does not back up the majority of people on this, and while I'm totally ok with that, and support their right to have their celebration however they want it, it does emphasize that they are certainly in no position to tell others that they are wrong.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! (Yes, to everyone, no matter what holiday they celebrate.)
You know, I'm totally fine with people acknowledging whatever holiday they want, whatever way they want. I have a problem with people trying to put their way off on others, or diminish other people's ways, and that's what it seems like the Religious Right is doing.
In the Army, the unit holiday party is mandatory if your unit has one, so making it ONLY a Christmas party is actually pretty discriminatory. I will be the first to say that since something like 90% of Army Chaplains are of one Christian faith or another, soldiers who are not, will need to speak up if they want their side of things represented in the unit party. I always tell people that they should just make some decorations that represent their traditions, and volunteer for the set-up committee so that they can get them in there. Most Chaplains also give the same advice. They are of their own view point, but have the job of supporting soldiers of all faiths, so they are a great asset in helping any soldier represent their side in the unit holiday celebration, This always works famously, and the holiday party truly represents all soldiers who have spoken up and represented themselves. I have seen Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Yule/Solstice decorations alongside the Christmas decorations at many unit parties I've attended over the years.
The problem comes when the announcement calls it a Holiday Party rather than a Christmas Party. The Religious Right just flips out at this. They think it's "overly PC" to acknowledge holidays other than Christmas. I think that's just so asinine. Our country has people of all faiths. Why can't everyone be acknowledged? A lot of people have holidays this time of year. Why should the Army, which includes soldiers of all faiths and views, only acknowledge one?
What's more, for some people, Christmas is not a religious holiday at all. For a lot of people, it's just a fun holiday that's mostly about Santa, and presents, and food. It's not wrong if it's a completely religious holiday for some people. It's also not wrong if it's a secular holiday for others. I have never seen someone who prefers a more secular approach in their own life try to put that off on the religious ones, but I see the reverse all the time from November to January. It's absolutely ridiculous.
So basically, this is America. Freedom of religion is guaranteed to us in the Constitution. That means freedom to opt out of the religious aspects of things, is also implied. Plus, if you want to get really technical about it, ask any historian. There's no way Jesus was actually born in December. Christmas as we know it, is merely a piggybacked celebration on the Celtic celebration of Yule. This was done to make it a more attractive prospect for the Irish to accept Catholicism. The equivalent can be said of nearly every holiday that's celebrated by any Christian denomination these days. If you're going to harp on something being done "the way it was always done", let's go ahead and get it right. It's Yule, it was night before last, and did you have a bonfire, light yellow candles, or hang a Yule wreath? No? Neither did I. It's ok. The point is, historical fact does not back up the majority of people on this, and while I'm totally ok with that, and support their right to have their celebration however they want it, it does emphasize that they are certainly in no position to tell others that they are wrong.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! (Yes, to everyone, no matter what holiday they celebrate.)
The quest to defund.
Many states within our nation have ended Medicaid funding of routine infant circumcision (RIC). I think that's great. I really don't want my tax dollars contributing to widespread human rights violations, and neither do a lot of other people. Plus, in these economic times, think about how much it saves to simply not pay for things that are not necessary! It's a huge budget savings in the states that have ended this funding. (FYI, one of those states is my home state, Florida! They defunded in July 2003. Go Florida! Another is Thak's home state, Minnesota. They stopped paying for it in something like 1995! Go Minnesota!)
It seems to be relatively easy to get states to end funding of RIC. Honestly, a simple letter writing campaign has gotten it done in two states this year alone. A lot of legislators have not thought of this, and it's a great way to trim spending from the budget, and that's a goal of most every state these days. A few hundred letters from aware parents, and it will go to a vote in most states' legislatures. That vote nearly always passes, and funding ends. It is very easy to get states to end Medicaid funding of RIC.
The newest campaign is to get Tricare (the federally funded insurance company which provides health coverage to all military members and dependents) to stop paying for it for military families. If the US's circumcision rate for newborns is 32.5% (and that's what it was in 2009), the military rate must be somewhere around 90%. I can only think of maybe three military families other than us, who have protected their sons' rights to bodily integrity. Surely there are more than that, but the circ rate in the military is scary high. Even a ton of Hispanic and Asian soldiers are doing it to their sons, which is truly shocking, because in the general population, these groups do not cut babies. The military has a long and ugly tradition of cutting.
The recent letter writing campaign to get Tricare to end it resulted in replies which consisted of them stating that it is parental choice, and while they don't endorse or recommend this procedure, they will pay for it because "guidance shows it may be beneficial". Really? Seriously, Tricare? First of all, nothing shows that it may be beneficial. Every single thing that has been spun that way is just that, spun. Plus, how's the rest of the world doing without hacking off parts of their little boys? They're doing better than us, that's for sure! What guidance has told you that it's beneficial? Some doctor who pockets an extra $400 for every human rights violation he commits? Consider the source. Of course the AAP takes a wishy washy stance on it. Their members make a fat profit off doing this every single day. No medical association in the world recommends it. It's illegal in Finland and South Africa. The Dutch Medical Association has released a strongly worded document imploring all their doctors to refuse to do this procedure. The World Health Organization recommends against it. So what guidance could possibly show that taking away a human being's right to keep the whole healthy body he was born with, could possibly ever be beneficial? You know, if we did it to little girls, we'd all go to jail, but when it's done to little boys, it's called "possibly beneficial" and "parental choice". Can you see the lack of logic in that?
So it's going to take a lot more to get Tricare to end funding of RIC, but in the meantime, every American needs to know that even if you live in a state that long ago ended Medicaid funding of RIC, your tax dollars are paying for thousands of little boys to receive cosmetic surgery without their consent, every single year. Pretty nasty, huh? I thought so, too. Somehow, Tricare must be fought and coerced, and halfway tricked, into paying some small portion of a homebirth, something which SAVES them tens of thousands of dollars compared to a hospital birth which they'd cover 100% of without question, YET this same company will not bat an eye at covering 100% of cosmetic surgery on a newborn baby. It is entirely unnecessary, could save millions of dollars a year if funding were cut for it, yet they pay without question. Disgusting.
Keep writing those letters to Tricare. This is the address for the head of the Military Health System:
Click here to see a map showing what states do not fund RIC, what states are currently voting on that, and what states currently are discussing it in the legislature. (Your state is probably in one of these categories! Most are! The entire US is getting wise to the unnecessary nature of this.) By the way, since this map came out, West Virginia and South Carolina also ceased funding of RIC.
When the state or the federal government doesn't pay, drastically fewer babies get cut. Know that we are the only country in the industrialized world with a circ rate above 10%. That is barbaric, and we can do better. Write letters, rattle Tricare's cage until they see that the American people know that there are better uses for their tax dollars than cutting babies. One day, the US will be like our allies, Great Britain, Germany, Spain, France, Australia, and well, the rest of the industrialized world, in that our sons will have the same consideration at birth as our daughters. Believe in equal opportunity? It starts at birth. Write letters. Tell them to stop paying for this archaic practice. If enough people do it, they will listen.
It seems to be relatively easy to get states to end funding of RIC. Honestly, a simple letter writing campaign has gotten it done in two states this year alone. A lot of legislators have not thought of this, and it's a great way to trim spending from the budget, and that's a goal of most every state these days. A few hundred letters from aware parents, and it will go to a vote in most states' legislatures. That vote nearly always passes, and funding ends. It is very easy to get states to end Medicaid funding of RIC.
The newest campaign is to get Tricare (the federally funded insurance company which provides health coverage to all military members and dependents) to stop paying for it for military families. If the US's circumcision rate for newborns is 32.5% (and that's what it was in 2009), the military rate must be somewhere around 90%. I can only think of maybe three military families other than us, who have protected their sons' rights to bodily integrity. Surely there are more than that, but the circ rate in the military is scary high. Even a ton of Hispanic and Asian soldiers are doing it to their sons, which is truly shocking, because in the general population, these groups do not cut babies. The military has a long and ugly tradition of cutting.
The recent letter writing campaign to get Tricare to end it resulted in replies which consisted of them stating that it is parental choice, and while they don't endorse or recommend this procedure, they will pay for it because "guidance shows it may be beneficial". Really? Seriously, Tricare? First of all, nothing shows that it may be beneficial. Every single thing that has been spun that way is just that, spun. Plus, how's the rest of the world doing without hacking off parts of their little boys? They're doing better than us, that's for sure! What guidance has told you that it's beneficial? Some doctor who pockets an extra $400 for every human rights violation he commits? Consider the source. Of course the AAP takes a wishy washy stance on it. Their members make a fat profit off doing this every single day. No medical association in the world recommends it. It's illegal in Finland and South Africa. The Dutch Medical Association has released a strongly worded document imploring all their doctors to refuse to do this procedure. The World Health Organization recommends against it. So what guidance could possibly show that taking away a human being's right to keep the whole healthy body he was born with, could possibly ever be beneficial? You know, if we did it to little girls, we'd all go to jail, but when it's done to little boys, it's called "possibly beneficial" and "parental choice". Can you see the lack of logic in that?
So it's going to take a lot more to get Tricare to end funding of RIC, but in the meantime, every American needs to know that even if you live in a state that long ago ended Medicaid funding of RIC, your tax dollars are paying for thousands of little boys to receive cosmetic surgery without their consent, every single year. Pretty nasty, huh? I thought so, too. Somehow, Tricare must be fought and coerced, and halfway tricked, into paying some small portion of a homebirth, something which SAVES them tens of thousands of dollars compared to a hospital birth which they'd cover 100% of without question, YET this same company will not bat an eye at covering 100% of cosmetic surgery on a newborn baby. It is entirely unnecessary, could save millions of dollars a year if funding were cut for it, yet they pay without question. Disgusting.
Keep writing those letters to Tricare. This is the address for the head of the Military Health System:
Click here to see a map showing what states do not fund RIC, what states are currently voting on that, and what states currently are discussing it in the legislature. (Your state is probably in one of these categories! Most are! The entire US is getting wise to the unnecessary nature of this.) By the way, since this map came out, West Virginia and South Carolina also ceased funding of RIC.
When the state or the federal government doesn't pay, drastically fewer babies get cut. Know that we are the only country in the industrialized world with a circ rate above 10%. That is barbaric, and we can do better. Write letters, rattle Tricare's cage until they see that the American people know that there are better uses for their tax dollars than cutting babies. One day, the US will be like our allies, Great Britain, Germany, Spain, France, Australia, and well, the rest of the industrialized world, in that our sons will have the same consideration at birth as our daughters. Believe in equal opportunity? It starts at birth. Write letters. Tell them to stop paying for this archaic practice. If enough people do it, they will listen.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Why I am so insistent on correct information
Yesterday, I had some Private's wife argue with me that Tricare does not cover the visit if you go to a civilian ER. This is categorically untrue, and I told her so. I've not set foot in a military hospital in years, and have never paid a dime for an ER visit, so I know that the policy which is clearly stated on the website (it says, in so many words, that ER visits are always 100% covered, no matter where you go) is true. This girl apparently had a hugely mismanaged case, ended up with a $2000 bill, and now is traveling the post telling everyone that, "Tricare don't pay nothin' if you go off post." (Ugh.... if you want to be taken seriously, can't you at least speak somewhat correctly?)
I told her that that was completely incorrect information, and stated the real policy. I told her that the information I have is absolutely correct and current, and that in ten years, I've never had an issue with it. I also told her who she needed to call, and what she needed to tell them, in order to get it fixed. Her case was obviously mismanaged. For one, $2000 is double the catastrophic cap. Even if she were on Standard, which she isn't, the most she'd ever have to pay in a fiscal year is $1000, and that would never come from an ER visit. This whole thing flies in the face of policy and regulation, and therefore, it is fixable.
She argued back, called me everything under the sun but good and honest, and said, "Till you work for Tricare, you don't know, thank you very much!" Hmmm... ok.... well, enjoy your bills. I wouldn't want to pay those and my husband makes three times as much money as yours and we have fewer children to support, but ok... knock yourself out. I did, however, tell her again that her case was mismanaged, and that she is doing a great disservice by attempting to give advice based on a mishandled incident. I let her know that we have all had something mismanaged over the course of our time with the Army, whether medical, financial, housing... something's screwed up for each and every one of us. However, most of us know better than to attempt to advise others as if the mishandled case is the norm, and she would do well to take note of that. She did shut up after that, and I hope she stays that way. I honestly don't care if this girl ever gets her bill fixed, but I do care if she keeps spreading bad information throughout post.
The reason I care about that is because it is terrible for morale, and who does that come back to? The NCO's, always. As an NCO wife, I seriously cannot stand rumors and lower-enlisted garbage because it always ends up at work, and it's always people like Thak who end up debunking it, or counseling these poor soldiers whose wives have made a mess due to bad information, on how to get out of it. Bad information is the most dangerous thing ever on an Army post. Posts are like small towns on steroids. If you think word travels fast in a small town, double it and you're starting to scratch the surface of the lightning fast pace of rumors on a post. One bad piece of information can spoil a whole housing area inside of an afternoon, a brigade inside of a day. Anyone who knows what's good for them does not spread rumors, and gets their facts straight before speaking out about anything.
This is not to say that there aren't real issues that exist in and around the Army. There are. There is substandard housing on a lot of posts. A lot of soldiers live in barracks that have been condemned for years. Military hospitals are absolutely notorious for being awful with anything pertaining to the female body. There are soldiers who have hid from deployments for nearly a full decade, while the same few thousand did repeat tours. These are real issues that the Army has, and if you want to raise awareness of any or all of these, please do! However, whatever you do, DO NOT "speak out" on a platform of incorrect information. Check your facts, and listen to those who are senior to you when they tell you that you are working with incorrect information, and where to find what is correct. Believe it or not, a person learns a lot in a decade or two. I always try to benefit from the experience of those who are senior to me. You would do well to do the same there, Mrs. E1. Incorrect information is terrible for morale, and affects everybody.
I told her that that was completely incorrect information, and stated the real policy. I told her that the information I have is absolutely correct and current, and that in ten years, I've never had an issue with it. I also told her who she needed to call, and what she needed to tell them, in order to get it fixed. Her case was obviously mismanaged. For one, $2000 is double the catastrophic cap. Even if she were on Standard, which she isn't, the most she'd ever have to pay in a fiscal year is $1000, and that would never come from an ER visit. This whole thing flies in the face of policy and regulation, and therefore, it is fixable.
She argued back, called me everything under the sun but good and honest, and said, "Till you work for Tricare, you don't know, thank you very much!" Hmmm... ok.... well, enjoy your bills. I wouldn't want to pay those and my husband makes three times as much money as yours and we have fewer children to support, but ok... knock yourself out. I did, however, tell her again that her case was mismanaged, and that she is doing a great disservice by attempting to give advice based on a mishandled incident. I let her know that we have all had something mismanaged over the course of our time with the Army, whether medical, financial, housing... something's screwed up for each and every one of us. However, most of us know better than to attempt to advise others as if the mishandled case is the norm, and she would do well to take note of that. She did shut up after that, and I hope she stays that way. I honestly don't care if this girl ever gets her bill fixed, but I do care if she keeps spreading bad information throughout post.
The reason I care about that is because it is terrible for morale, and who does that come back to? The NCO's, always. As an NCO wife, I seriously cannot stand rumors and lower-enlisted garbage because it always ends up at work, and it's always people like Thak who end up debunking it, or counseling these poor soldiers whose wives have made a mess due to bad information, on how to get out of it. Bad information is the most dangerous thing ever on an Army post. Posts are like small towns on steroids. If you think word travels fast in a small town, double it and you're starting to scratch the surface of the lightning fast pace of rumors on a post. One bad piece of information can spoil a whole housing area inside of an afternoon, a brigade inside of a day. Anyone who knows what's good for them does not spread rumors, and gets their facts straight before speaking out about anything.
This is not to say that there aren't real issues that exist in and around the Army. There are. There is substandard housing on a lot of posts. A lot of soldiers live in barracks that have been condemned for years. Military hospitals are absolutely notorious for being awful with anything pertaining to the female body. There are soldiers who have hid from deployments for nearly a full decade, while the same few thousand did repeat tours. These are real issues that the Army has, and if you want to raise awareness of any or all of these, please do! However, whatever you do, DO NOT "speak out" on a platform of incorrect information. Check your facts, and listen to those who are senior to you when they tell you that you are working with incorrect information, and where to find what is correct. Believe it or not, a person learns a lot in a decade or two. I always try to benefit from the experience of those who are senior to me. You would do well to do the same there, Mrs. E1. Incorrect information is terrible for morale, and affects everybody.
My kids are so spoiled!
MORE boxes just arrived for them! Every time the door bell rings, Erin says, "YAY! Another box for me and Orren!" and she's always right about that. They're a little spoiled... but they're good kids, and they deserve it. Plus, they're adorable. See?
A healthy *pinch* of skepticism, NOT an entire truckload!
Everyone says not to believe what the Army says. Recruiters lie, dates change, plans fall though. This stuff is true to an extent, but it's not always true. My recruiter never lied. Every R&R and homecoming date me and Thak have ever been given has been accurate within a week. We have lost a couple great sets of orders.... well, three between us, but the reasoning was valid and nearly expected. The bottom line is, if you aren't a complete idiot, know how to check facts, and keep your expectations realistic, the Army isn't so deceptive after all.
Because of this, it's really become annoying to me that the motto of so many wives has become, "I'll believe it when I see it." They say this about EVERYTHING. They say it about the assignment their husband's hardworking reenlistment NCO (oh yeah, that's my husband!) ran all over creation to get for him. They say it about deployment homecoming dates (ok, that one's kind of understandable. Rumors are so prevalent, especially in the lower ranks, and units do get extended sometimes, although not so much in the past two years.) They are even saying it nonstop to our Garrison Commander about half day holiday schedule!!
OK, so here's the thing about half-days. They are an Army tradition as old as most of the posts we're stationed at over the course of a few decades. Soldiers work until noon from December 20 until January 3. This gives the ones who did not take leave a little bit of time to focus on stuff that isn't work over the holidays, and since most people are on leave, there really isn't much work to do, so letting the soldiers who have remained to "hold down the fort", so to speak, go home early during the holiday timeframe, actually makes practical sense. Plus, like I said, this is a tradition as old as Reville at 0600, Taps at 2300, and crappy food in the chow hall. Taking this into account, it's very annoying to hear wives saying, "I'll believe it when I see it!" when the Garrison Commander announced the beginning of half-days yesterday. You'll believe it when you see it? It's a tradition, you idiot. Show some respect for the Colonel. Believe it or not, that's a tradition, too.
Come to think of it, skepticism is not what a person needs when it comes to the Army, and should be taken completely out of the equation. What a person needs is connections to people in high places, and the knowledge of regulations, to check the validity of things that they hear. People need the ability to check facts for themselves, not skepticism. If you can check facts, then you will be fine. Thak and I have honestly done far better in this Army life than most people we know. (It's funny. We're REALLY good at Army, and we don't want it anymore. Most people who want it so badly, suck at it.) The reason we have done well is because we've made good use of connections, checked claims that seemed far fetched, and didn't believe anything that flew in the face of regulation (because even when people try to push something like that through, it never goes far). By doing these few things, we have no need for skepticism, and the Army really has never screwed us out of anything. And yes, for anyone wondering, we are absolutely enjoying our half day schedule!
Because of this, it's really become annoying to me that the motto of so many wives has become, "I'll believe it when I see it." They say this about EVERYTHING. They say it about the assignment their husband's hardworking reenlistment NCO (oh yeah, that's my husband!) ran all over creation to get for him. They say it about deployment homecoming dates (ok, that one's kind of understandable. Rumors are so prevalent, especially in the lower ranks, and units do get extended sometimes, although not so much in the past two years.) They are even saying it nonstop to our Garrison Commander about half day holiday schedule!!
OK, so here's the thing about half-days. They are an Army tradition as old as most of the posts we're stationed at over the course of a few decades. Soldiers work until noon from December 20 until January 3. This gives the ones who did not take leave a little bit of time to focus on stuff that isn't work over the holidays, and since most people are on leave, there really isn't much work to do, so letting the soldiers who have remained to "hold down the fort", so to speak, go home early during the holiday timeframe, actually makes practical sense. Plus, like I said, this is a tradition as old as Reville at 0600, Taps at 2300, and crappy food in the chow hall. Taking this into account, it's very annoying to hear wives saying, "I'll believe it when I see it!" when the Garrison Commander announced the beginning of half-days yesterday. You'll believe it when you see it? It's a tradition, you idiot. Show some respect for the Colonel. Believe it or not, that's a tradition, too.
Come to think of it, skepticism is not what a person needs when it comes to the Army, and should be taken completely out of the equation. What a person needs is connections to people in high places, and the knowledge of regulations, to check the validity of things that they hear. People need the ability to check facts for themselves, not skepticism. If you can check facts, then you will be fine. Thak and I have honestly done far better in this Army life than most people we know. (It's funny. We're REALLY good at Army, and we don't want it anymore. Most people who want it so badly, suck at it.) The reason we have done well is because we've made good use of connections, checked claims that seemed far fetched, and didn't believe anything that flew in the face of regulation (because even when people try to push something like that through, it never goes far). By doing these few things, we have no need for skepticism, and the Army really has never screwed us out of anything. And yes, for anyone wondering, we are absolutely enjoying our half day schedule!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Common sense advice for those who haven't already been told this stuff:
I really do feel for these girls who are doing hospital births these days. Nobody bothers to educate them on anything. The "classes" they are encouraged to take amount to tours of the hospital, and explanations of their options for drugs, and stuff like that. There's absolutely no focus from anybody on actually helping them learn about how labor starts, and how they can manage it for themselves. This is essential even for those who are, for some unfathomable reason, dead set on having medicated births, because they will have to get through early labor without medication, and if they don't know how, it's not going to go well. So here's my common sense advice for those who haven't heard this stuff before. I learned this from a total of six midwives who have tended me during my three pregnancies (three the first time, two the second time, and one the third time), as well as countless books I have read on natural birth, midwifery, and related topics.
1) Labor is uncomfortable. Expect it. While the contractions are still pretty mild, practice breathing through them, and see what you like for relaxation techniques. Some enjoy meditating to some music (I like silence, but I'm in the minority on that). Some enjoy a warm bath. Some like alternating hot and cold. While the contractions are mild, that's the time to find out what's going to work for you, because when it gets more intense, that's no time to be experimenting.
2) Tensing up during contractions make them hurt about 1000 times worse than if you will just breathe deeply and relax. Tensing your body is actually working against what it is trying to do, so it will hurt a lot more if you do that. You CAN do this. Remember that thousands and thousands of years of evolution have refined you for this noble purpose, and you are more than strong enough. Just breathe through it, and you will be fine.
3) Keep your sounds low. Screaming will make your cervix pucker. OK, not literally, but it sure won't make it dilate! Keeping your sounds low, along with keeping your body relaxed, will help you dilate faster. If your husband happens to be home for the birth, the really cool thing is that it can be his job to help you keep your sounds low. If he hears you getting too high pitched, he can bring you back down again. Try to match the deep pitch of his voice. You probably won't be able to, but you'll be going in the right direction by trying. Don't worry about sounding ridiculous while moaning away like that. What else would people expect a woman in labor to sound like?
4) Gravity is your friend. It is very good to walk around during labor. It is also helpful to squat, and to sit in the bath, and even to kneel and lean on the wall. What do all these have in common? Your body is vertical. This brings the baby down, and makes your contractions a lot more productive than they would be if you were lying down.
5) Just as babies are born when they are ready, they are also positioned the way they are supposed to be. Some babies just need to be posterior, or breech, or any other variation on the "normal" everyone expects. Don't ever accept a c-section due to presentation unless it is absolutely undeliverable under any circumstances (shoulder presentation, transverse lie, etc). In the state of Texas, it is legal to deliver breech babies naturally, even at home or in birth centers. If your hospital midwife is not comfortable with delivering a baby of the presentation yours is taking, insist that they bring you one who will do it. I can tell you, proof positive, that they exist in this city. Don't be scared of a natural birth with a uncommon presentation. They are all just different forms of normal.
6) If you have a problem working with one of the midwives in the practice you are receiving care from, you need to let someone know, because that way, it can be noted in your file and that person will not show up at your birth. The last thing you need while in labor, is to be assisted by someone you don't like. Take care of this beforehand so that you only are dealing with people you know, trust, and like while you are in labor. Nothing will stall you faster than stress, and it's stressful to deal with people you don't like, so this is very important.
Like I said, these are common sense things that a lot of people don't seem to know these days. It's very strange to hear how ill-prepared so many people are for birth. I know what a lot of people are thinking. "Easy for you to say, Anna. You've had easy births, no inductions, no c-sections..." Yes, it is true that both of my children have been born when they decided they were ready, and they were born the way nature intended, but to say both were easy births is incorrect. Erin was what any hospital midwife or doctor would call "extremely poorly positioned", and I recently found out that at our local Army hospital, that presentation would have been an automatic c-section. Obviously that is not necessary, because I managed to get Erin out without resorting to those lengths, but it was a difficult labor. It was about 10x as painful as Orren's, and all in my back. Ultimately, I pushed out a baby who was facing the wrong way, and was a pound bigger than the national average. It was not an easy birth, but it was a feasible birth, and because I did that, and went on to have a perfect birth with Orren, I truly believe that success or failure depends on how educated the mom is on the process.
I really think that the one thing that stood between me and major surgery for Erin's birth was the education I received from my midwives on the process, and the helpful and practical advice I'd picked up along the way about how to manage labor. Lacking this, Erin would have been a c-section baby, Orren would have had to be a hospital birth and quite possibly a repeat c-section, and I for damned sure would not be planning a homebirth for this one, if I even dared to have another baby after all that! Because I knew the process, and had practical tools for managing along the way, I had a successful birth the first time, which left my options open for the next time, and the next. It's invaluable.
Knowledge really is power. I understand. Some people are mainstream. Some people can't stand to read Ina May Gaskin because of the hippie lingo in every single book (although I personally find that fun and endearing!). Not everyone likes the tone of Henci Goer's guide. I get it. I also get that a lot of people think I'm a real nutjob for avoiding hospital birth like the plague, refusing the majority of prenatal testing, and relying on herbal tinctures to prevent potentially harmful conditions. You know what? That's ok! The tips I mentioned here don't require hippie roots, or a desire for a totally natural birth. They are useful for any human being, and will make the birth you end up with better. Maybe it's in a hospital. Maybe you get an epidural when you're at 4 cm. Maybe you like IV's and find the beep of the monitor (they beep, right?) comforting. That's all fine. This stuff will still help you to have a better birth.
1) Labor is uncomfortable. Expect it. While the contractions are still pretty mild, practice breathing through them, and see what you like for relaxation techniques. Some enjoy meditating to some music (I like silence, but I'm in the minority on that). Some enjoy a warm bath. Some like alternating hot and cold. While the contractions are mild, that's the time to find out what's going to work for you, because when it gets more intense, that's no time to be experimenting.
2) Tensing up during contractions make them hurt about 1000 times worse than if you will just breathe deeply and relax. Tensing your body is actually working against what it is trying to do, so it will hurt a lot more if you do that. You CAN do this. Remember that thousands and thousands of years of evolution have refined you for this noble purpose, and you are more than strong enough. Just breathe through it, and you will be fine.
3) Keep your sounds low. Screaming will make your cervix pucker. OK, not literally, but it sure won't make it dilate! Keeping your sounds low, along with keeping your body relaxed, will help you dilate faster. If your husband happens to be home for the birth, the really cool thing is that it can be his job to help you keep your sounds low. If he hears you getting too high pitched, he can bring you back down again. Try to match the deep pitch of his voice. You probably won't be able to, but you'll be going in the right direction by trying. Don't worry about sounding ridiculous while moaning away like that. What else would people expect a woman in labor to sound like?
4) Gravity is your friend. It is very good to walk around during labor. It is also helpful to squat, and to sit in the bath, and even to kneel and lean on the wall. What do all these have in common? Your body is vertical. This brings the baby down, and makes your contractions a lot more productive than they would be if you were lying down.
5) Just as babies are born when they are ready, they are also positioned the way they are supposed to be. Some babies just need to be posterior, or breech, or any other variation on the "normal" everyone expects. Don't ever accept a c-section due to presentation unless it is absolutely undeliverable under any circumstances (shoulder presentation, transverse lie, etc). In the state of Texas, it is legal to deliver breech babies naturally, even at home or in birth centers. If your hospital midwife is not comfortable with delivering a baby of the presentation yours is taking, insist that they bring you one who will do it. I can tell you, proof positive, that they exist in this city. Don't be scared of a natural birth with a uncommon presentation. They are all just different forms of normal.
6) If you have a problem working with one of the midwives in the practice you are receiving care from, you need to let someone know, because that way, it can be noted in your file and that person will not show up at your birth. The last thing you need while in labor, is to be assisted by someone you don't like. Take care of this beforehand so that you only are dealing with people you know, trust, and like while you are in labor. Nothing will stall you faster than stress, and it's stressful to deal with people you don't like, so this is very important.
Like I said, these are common sense things that a lot of people don't seem to know these days. It's very strange to hear how ill-prepared so many people are for birth. I know what a lot of people are thinking. "Easy for you to say, Anna. You've had easy births, no inductions, no c-sections..." Yes, it is true that both of my children have been born when they decided they were ready, and they were born the way nature intended, but to say both were easy births is incorrect. Erin was what any hospital midwife or doctor would call "extremely poorly positioned", and I recently found out that at our local Army hospital, that presentation would have been an automatic c-section. Obviously that is not necessary, because I managed to get Erin out without resorting to those lengths, but it was a difficult labor. It was about 10x as painful as Orren's, and all in my back. Ultimately, I pushed out a baby who was facing the wrong way, and was a pound bigger than the national average. It was not an easy birth, but it was a feasible birth, and because I did that, and went on to have a perfect birth with Orren, I truly believe that success or failure depends on how educated the mom is on the process.
I really think that the one thing that stood between me and major surgery for Erin's birth was the education I received from my midwives on the process, and the helpful and practical advice I'd picked up along the way about how to manage labor. Lacking this, Erin would have been a c-section baby, Orren would have had to be a hospital birth and quite possibly a repeat c-section, and I for damned sure would not be planning a homebirth for this one, if I even dared to have another baby after all that! Because I knew the process, and had practical tools for managing along the way, I had a successful birth the first time, which left my options open for the next time, and the next. It's invaluable.
Knowledge really is power. I understand. Some people are mainstream. Some people can't stand to read Ina May Gaskin because of the hippie lingo in every single book (although I personally find that fun and endearing!). Not everyone likes the tone of Henci Goer's guide. I get it. I also get that a lot of people think I'm a real nutjob for avoiding hospital birth like the plague, refusing the majority of prenatal testing, and relying on herbal tinctures to prevent potentially harmful conditions. You know what? That's ok! The tips I mentioned here don't require hippie roots, or a desire for a totally natural birth. They are useful for any human being, and will make the birth you end up with better. Maybe it's in a hospital. Maybe you get an epidural when you're at 4 cm. Maybe you like IV's and find the beep of the monitor (they beep, right?) comforting. That's all fine. This stuff will still help you to have a better birth.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
STOP IT!!!
I don't know why, but it's always annoyed me when people try to guess if I'm having a boy or a girl. I've pretty much KNOWN from the beginning with both, and I would bet about $100 right now that this next baby is a girl. I would love for it to be another boy because it would be easier since we have everything from Orren still, but I don't think it's a boy at all. I am almost sure it's a girl. Honestly, this is one thing I'd love to be wrong about, but I don't think I am. (Really, though, I don't care what it is. I already have one of each, so it's not like I'm super desperate for one of whatever I don't have. It doesn't really matter, aside from it being a lot easier to have two little boys share a room, and to hand down clothes from big brother 2 1/2 years older than from big sister 8 years older. These are pretty small details.
So yeah, it's annoying when people sit there and say, "Oh, it's a boy" all the time, when I KNOW it's a girl. I haven't even told many people that we might be finding out in a few weeks. The funny part is that even when we do, some people will still have to be stupid about it. I remember being like a year and a half pregnant with Erin (OK, so not really, but seriously, she was born just weeks later) and some lady asked if I was having a boy or a girl, and I said a girl (by this time, we'd seen this on ultrasound something like three times. We were about 200% sure of her gender.) and she literally argued with me that no, it was going to be a boy. I told her we had seen on ultrasound multiple times that the baby was a girl, and she kept going. It was the dumbest conversation I have had in my entire life.
It's just as dumb when I say something about how I'm quite sure this baby is a girl, and everyone around feels obligated to say, "I'm guessing boy." OK, first of all, did I ask you, random friend of a friend? No, I didn't. Secondly, I find that people do this about 100x more when you're having a girl, or think you may be, than when you're having a boy, or think you are. I can't actually recall anyone arguing with me that Orren was a boy, and I KNEW from basically the moment of conception that he was a boy. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind. I've never been less surprised in all my life than when the ultrasound tech said, "Yup, definitely a boy!" I was very happy, because Thak really wanted a son, but I was not at all surprised. As I look back on the few months prior to that, I recall that nobody argued with me that Orren was a boy.
Is this some kind of anti-boy bias? Everyone wants a little girl, but some people just have to be saddled with little boys, so those who think they're having a girl will be told no way, while those who think they're having boys are told ok, because they can go ahead and knock themselves out with that? It's weird. Come to think of it, have you ever heard of a mom having "just one more baby so we can try for our boy" after five or six girls? NEVER. But I can think of half a dozen with six or seven boys, who just kept trying and trying for their girl. Nobody tries and tries for a boy if they have a ton of girls, but if they have a ton of boys, they do keep trying for a girl in a lot of cases. It's also totally acceptable to be openly disappointed about having "yet another boy" if you don't get your girl, but nobody is ever disappointed about "yet another girl", or at least they don't act like it. I know a girl at this post who's pregnant with her third boy right now, and a day does not go by that she doesn't lament her lack of daughters. This is not the only time I have seen that, far from it, actually. It is very common. Yet you never hear a mom with nothing but daughters lament her lack of sons. There IS some degree of anti-boy bias.
I personally am so glad I have a son. I love him to little bitty pieces, and think he is the best little boy in the entire world. I look at him every day with his pretty eyes the color of root beer, and his bright smile, and his crazy curly hair the color of cookie dough, and wonder how I got so lucky to have such a precious little person in my family. He has been throwing perfect spirals (with his football) since he was just over a year old, he wants to wear his Vikings jersey every day, and copies everything daddy does. He is amazing, and we would not be the same without him. I would LOVE to have another son. I also absolutely adore having a daughter. Girls are absolutely wonderful. They're fun and cute and adorable, and the clothing selection for them is WAY better than that for boys. If you have a little girl, you get to dress her up, and do her hair, and put makeup on her, and do her nails, and she will love every minute of it. Little girls are a ton of fun for completely different reasons than little boys are.
The bottom line is that both my kids totally rock, and for completely different reasons, and I don't like the latent anti-boy bias that our society seems to have. There is no, "Ha ha! Anna, you're having another boy!" I'd love one. I don't think that's what this baby is, though. I think it's another girl. Stop arguing with me about it, especially when the idea is that you're cursing me to have another boy. Another boy would be anything BUT a curse. The main thing, though, is that I did not ask for your opinion. Stop. I think this baby is a girl, but don't actually have a preference either way. Let's leave it at that.
So yeah, it's annoying when people sit there and say, "Oh, it's a boy" all the time, when I KNOW it's a girl. I haven't even told many people that we might be finding out in a few weeks. The funny part is that even when we do, some people will still have to be stupid about it. I remember being like a year and a half pregnant with Erin (OK, so not really, but seriously, she was born just weeks later) and some lady asked if I was having a boy or a girl, and I said a girl (by this time, we'd seen this on ultrasound something like three times. We were about 200% sure of her gender.) and she literally argued with me that no, it was going to be a boy. I told her we had seen on ultrasound multiple times that the baby was a girl, and she kept going. It was the dumbest conversation I have had in my entire life.
It's just as dumb when I say something about how I'm quite sure this baby is a girl, and everyone around feels obligated to say, "I'm guessing boy." OK, first of all, did I ask you, random friend of a friend? No, I didn't. Secondly, I find that people do this about 100x more when you're having a girl, or think you may be, than when you're having a boy, or think you are. I can't actually recall anyone arguing with me that Orren was a boy, and I KNEW from basically the moment of conception that he was a boy. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind. I've never been less surprised in all my life than when the ultrasound tech said, "Yup, definitely a boy!" I was very happy, because Thak really wanted a son, but I was not at all surprised. As I look back on the few months prior to that, I recall that nobody argued with me that Orren was a boy.
Is this some kind of anti-boy bias? Everyone wants a little girl, but some people just have to be saddled with little boys, so those who think they're having a girl will be told no way, while those who think they're having boys are told ok, because they can go ahead and knock themselves out with that? It's weird. Come to think of it, have you ever heard of a mom having "just one more baby so we can try for our boy" after five or six girls? NEVER. But I can think of half a dozen with six or seven boys, who just kept trying and trying for their girl. Nobody tries and tries for a boy if they have a ton of girls, but if they have a ton of boys, they do keep trying for a girl in a lot of cases. It's also totally acceptable to be openly disappointed about having "yet another boy" if you don't get your girl, but nobody is ever disappointed about "yet another girl", or at least they don't act like it. I know a girl at this post who's pregnant with her third boy right now, and a day does not go by that she doesn't lament her lack of daughters. This is not the only time I have seen that, far from it, actually. It is very common. Yet you never hear a mom with nothing but daughters lament her lack of sons. There IS some degree of anti-boy bias.
I personally am so glad I have a son. I love him to little bitty pieces, and think he is the best little boy in the entire world. I look at him every day with his pretty eyes the color of root beer, and his bright smile, and his crazy curly hair the color of cookie dough, and wonder how I got so lucky to have such a precious little person in my family. He has been throwing perfect spirals (with his football) since he was just over a year old, he wants to wear his Vikings jersey every day, and copies everything daddy does. He is amazing, and we would not be the same without him. I would LOVE to have another son. I also absolutely adore having a daughter. Girls are absolutely wonderful. They're fun and cute and adorable, and the clothing selection for them is WAY better than that for boys. If you have a little girl, you get to dress her up, and do her hair, and put makeup on her, and do her nails, and she will love every minute of it. Little girls are a ton of fun for completely different reasons than little boys are.
The bottom line is that both my kids totally rock, and for completely different reasons, and I don't like the latent anti-boy bias that our society seems to have. There is no, "Ha ha! Anna, you're having another boy!" I'd love one. I don't think that's what this baby is, though. I think it's another girl. Stop arguing with me about it, especially when the idea is that you're cursing me to have another boy. Another boy would be anything BUT a curse. The main thing, though, is that I did not ask for your opinion. Stop. I think this baby is a girl, but don't actually have a preference either way. Let's leave it at that.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Questioning is a one way street.
Have you ever asked a mainstream mom why she chose to do the things she chose to do? I mean, not in an accusatory way, but just, "Why did you consent to an induction?" "Why did you vaccinate on a traditional schedule?" "Why did you birth in a hospital?" "Why did you circumcise your son?" More times than not, if you ask these things, they will rip you a new orifice, usually including very false and accusatory things toward the other side of whichever issue it is. Then ask them what would happen if they didn't do those things, and most of the time, they stammer and reach for an answer that isn't there, because there is no real, scientifically proven, reason for them to do most of these things. Then they get defensive and nasty. We are not allowed to question mainstream moms.
The rest of us, though, we live for the questions. We know we're going to be questioned near constantly, and we have answers which are upheld by scientific fact, international recommendation, and plain old (un)common sense. I can, and gladly will, answer for every decision I've ever made that is considered alternative or controversial. I can tell you a million reasons why I do not birth in hospitals, why I have refused to consent to inductions no matter how "overdue" I was, why I vaccinate my kids selectively and on the Dr. Sears schedule, why I left my son's body whole, why my toddler rides rear-facing, why I use cloth diapers, and even why Orren's first food was homegrown squash rather than rice cereal.
The only decisions I CANNOT come up with a good reason behind, are the ones which would be considered mainstream. The one that REALLY jumps out at me was stopping breastfeeding Orren when Thak thought it was too hard and painful for me to continue. I own that decision for what it was, though. If anyone asks me why I did it, I tell them, "It was a stupid decision that I would not make again in retrospect." It was mainstream. There is no justification for it, and I'm not going to try to justify an inferior choice when it is so obvious to the entire world that it is inferior. It is far more intelligent to own it for what it is. The rest of these mainstream choices are just as baseless as that one, and that is why we're not allowed to question the people who make them, as to their logic. There is no logic behind it. Again, I've made inferior choices in the past. I can tell you, those choices come from a place of impulse, not of thought or logic.
I also find that this "no questioning" goes beyond the patients, all the way to the practitioners. The way I fell into the OB situation I had for the first few weeks of this pregnancy was by choosing a random name off my insurance's provider list because I needed a pap and my IUD removed. When that pap came back abnormal, I had to go in for more tests and treatments. Mid-way through that, I turned up pregnant (very surprisingly), and found this out via a routine test done in the office before a treatment that I later learned is unnecessary for something as minor as what I had. Upon seeing the positive pregnancy test, she said, "Oh, ok, well, we'll start you on prenatal appointments, then." and left the nurse with a long list of questions to ask me. I never got to ask her a thing. I have no idea what this doctor's c-section and induction rates are, or if she encourages natural birth, or what she considers risk factors, because I never got a chance to ask.
A few weeks later, when I met with Alyson to decide if it was a fit for us to work together on this birth, we walked into the main office at Casa, and she asked us what we wanted out of our birth experience. We told her that we wanted a very relaxed homebirth for our third and final baby, that we were looking for a midwife to help us achieve that. Then we discussed the details, and asked her what she looks for in a client, just to make sure we were a fit for her, because by then it was obvious that she was a fit for us. She told us a few things, and it was obvious by then that it was a good arrangement, so we scheduled an appointment, and have been happily rocking along ever since.
At my appointments, Alyson asks me how things are going, and if I'm doing well in general, checks the things that need to be checked (blood pressure, baby's heart rate, etc), then we just talk. I ask her about stuff that has come up for me, like when my probiotics were making me nauseous (she told me how to better time my doses, and I haven't had that problem since), and when I should begin taking a tincture of Yellow Dock to prevent anemia from developing. It is a very mutual and beneficial exchange, and I think it is necessary to have that because by the time I have this baby, I will really know Alyson very well and she will know me well, and having that, she will be able to support our birth a little better, and I will be able to trust her in that a little better, than if only one of us had gotten to ask any questions and get to know the other. I think this is part of the reason so many don't have normal births these days. How are you supposed to do that when the idea is that you put all your trust in a virtual stranger? I couldn't do it. I find that birth only works when it's with people you know, who know you, too.
There's a great quote that says, "The unexamined life is not worth living." And Peggy O'Mara, editor in chief of Mothering Magazine did a great editorial on that as it applies to parenting, birth, and things thereof, and the idea was that when we don't question, we fall into horrible traps. I find this to be true in my own life. When I question, good things come of it. Every time I ask a question, I learn something, and therefore I know more than I did before I asked. When you know more, you do better. I have also found that those who do not want to be asked questions do not generally have your best interest in mind. I served in the Army. That's where I learned that.
Question. It may save your life someday. It will at least make you smarter in the meantime. Also, don't be afraid to BE questioned by others. You can make someone else smarter by answering. Don't be stingy with knowledge. You know it's not worth a damn if you don't pass it along. Questioning should never be a one way street. That is how ignorance takes a firm foot hold. Nobody wants that.
The rest of us, though, we live for the questions. We know we're going to be questioned near constantly, and we have answers which are upheld by scientific fact, international recommendation, and plain old (un)common sense. I can, and gladly will, answer for every decision I've ever made that is considered alternative or controversial. I can tell you a million reasons why I do not birth in hospitals, why I have refused to consent to inductions no matter how "overdue" I was, why I vaccinate my kids selectively and on the Dr. Sears schedule, why I left my son's body whole, why my toddler rides rear-facing, why I use cloth diapers, and even why Orren's first food was homegrown squash rather than rice cereal.
The only decisions I CANNOT come up with a good reason behind, are the ones which would be considered mainstream. The one that REALLY jumps out at me was stopping breastfeeding Orren when Thak thought it was too hard and painful for me to continue. I own that decision for what it was, though. If anyone asks me why I did it, I tell them, "It was a stupid decision that I would not make again in retrospect." It was mainstream. There is no justification for it, and I'm not going to try to justify an inferior choice when it is so obvious to the entire world that it is inferior. It is far more intelligent to own it for what it is. The rest of these mainstream choices are just as baseless as that one, and that is why we're not allowed to question the people who make them, as to their logic. There is no logic behind it. Again, I've made inferior choices in the past. I can tell you, those choices come from a place of impulse, not of thought or logic.
I also find that this "no questioning" goes beyond the patients, all the way to the practitioners. The way I fell into the OB situation I had for the first few weeks of this pregnancy was by choosing a random name off my insurance's provider list because I needed a pap and my IUD removed. When that pap came back abnormal, I had to go in for more tests and treatments. Mid-way through that, I turned up pregnant (very surprisingly), and found this out via a routine test done in the office before a treatment that I later learned is unnecessary for something as minor as what I had. Upon seeing the positive pregnancy test, she said, "Oh, ok, well, we'll start you on prenatal appointments, then." and left the nurse with a long list of questions to ask me. I never got to ask her a thing. I have no idea what this doctor's c-section and induction rates are, or if she encourages natural birth, or what she considers risk factors, because I never got a chance to ask.
A few weeks later, when I met with Alyson to decide if it was a fit for us to work together on this birth, we walked into the main office at Casa, and she asked us what we wanted out of our birth experience. We told her that we wanted a very relaxed homebirth for our third and final baby, that we were looking for a midwife to help us achieve that. Then we discussed the details, and asked her what she looks for in a client, just to make sure we were a fit for her, because by then it was obvious that she was a fit for us. She told us a few things, and it was obvious by then that it was a good arrangement, so we scheduled an appointment, and have been happily rocking along ever since.
At my appointments, Alyson asks me how things are going, and if I'm doing well in general, checks the things that need to be checked (blood pressure, baby's heart rate, etc), then we just talk. I ask her about stuff that has come up for me, like when my probiotics were making me nauseous (she told me how to better time my doses, and I haven't had that problem since), and when I should begin taking a tincture of Yellow Dock to prevent anemia from developing. It is a very mutual and beneficial exchange, and I think it is necessary to have that because by the time I have this baby, I will really know Alyson very well and she will know me well, and having that, she will be able to support our birth a little better, and I will be able to trust her in that a little better, than if only one of us had gotten to ask any questions and get to know the other. I think this is part of the reason so many don't have normal births these days. How are you supposed to do that when the idea is that you put all your trust in a virtual stranger? I couldn't do it. I find that birth only works when it's with people you know, who know you, too.
There's a great quote that says, "The unexamined life is not worth living." And Peggy O'Mara, editor in chief of Mothering Magazine did a great editorial on that as it applies to parenting, birth, and things thereof, and the idea was that when we don't question, we fall into horrible traps. I find this to be true in my own life. When I question, good things come of it. Every time I ask a question, I learn something, and therefore I know more than I did before I asked. When you know more, you do better. I have also found that those who do not want to be asked questions do not generally have your best interest in mind. I served in the Army. That's where I learned that.
Question. It may save your life someday. It will at least make you smarter in the meantime. Also, don't be afraid to BE questioned by others. You can make someone else smarter by answering. Don't be stingy with knowledge. You know it's not worth a damn if you don't pass it along. Questioning should never be a one way street. That is how ignorance takes a firm foot hold. Nobody wants that.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Another day, another recall.
Is anyone tired of baby product recalls yet? Ah yes.... everybody is. I see. Me too. The latest recall is drop side cribs. Everyone knows these things. We probably all had one for our older kids. Hell, I used one for both my kids. I'm getting a new fixed-side crib for the baby, but my reasoning has nothing to do with the recall. It's because a certain little boy broke his crib, and we need a new one.
What I'm going to say may sound out of character, but it's the truth. Were our crib still in good condition, I'd still use it, recall be damned. Here's the thing. All the crazy "Safety Sam" stuff I do for my kids, I do because it makes sense. I keep my toddler rear-facing because 97% of crashes that result in injury are front or side impact and he will fare better if his spine is cradled. I avoid hospital birth because the statistical risk that I will die or my baby will die in the process, is higher than if I birth at home or in a freestanding birth center, as I am in good health. I make my 7-year-old wear a bike helmet because energy absorbing foam dulls the impact of a curb or a rock wall a lot better than a skull does. Just as all of these things make logical sense by the numbers, it would also make sense, if our crib were still serviceable, to use it, because frankly, the recall does not apply to it. The issues that all drop side cribs have been recalled for would be purely infeasible with that one. Trust me, when this controversy with drop side cribs started, I analyzed our crib from top to bottom. Orren was still using it at that point. I checked every point. I tested every point of concern. (Sometimes having a background in engineering really makes parenting a lot easier.)
My findings were simple. The problem with drop side cribs manufactured in recent years, is that they are poorly made, with cheap materials, and shoddy workmanship. Our crib is pretty old. It's old enough that we can't get replacement parts for it anymore, and when we type the serial number into the manufacturer's website, it doesn't even show up. I don't know what year it was manufactured in, but I'd guess probably the mid 1990's. What a difference a decade makes. This thing is made in such a way that the sides go together in a complex manner that makes the type of accident that killed many babies and resulted in the total ban on drop side cribs, completely impossible. It is made with all metal hardware, whereas most of the drop side cribs manufactured in recent years have plastic hardware. (I was floored by that fact. Honestly, that's what made the decision for me to use our old crib for Orren rather than buying him a new one. Plastic hardware looked like a disaster waiting to happen.)
This is the problem with America. Everyone wants everything so cheaply that they buy cheap plastic crap, thinking it's passed rigorous safety testing, and will do fine, and then best case scenario, they're hauling it back to the store a year later because it's recalled. Worst case scenario, their kid is one of the reasons for the recall. This is one of the biggest reasons we buy higher-end baby gear. How often do you hear of high-end brands being recalled? Nearly never. How often do you hear of these mass produced brands that you find everywhere for dirt cheap being recalled? Daily. Whose was the first drop side crib to be recalled due to widespread infant DEATHS occurring in it? Graco. Whose strollers were also recalled this year due to a strangulation hazard? Graco. What do you find on every major retailer's shelf, priced just right for every budget? I'll give you two guesses, but you'll only need one.
There are two problems here. First of all, companies are trying to make a product that will be affordable to the masses, so they cut corners on absolutely everything to get there. The stuff doesn't hold up worth a damn, and safety hazards are found a few months after it's released, and it gets recalled. The companies absolutely share a huge part of the blame for putting these products onto the market in the first place.
Secondly, though, the parents need a healthier degree of skepticism than what most have. "Oooooh look at the pretty colors and prints!!" "What a low price! Now I can buy the whole set!" Go to Babies R Us and hang out for half an hour. You'll find that 9 times out of 10, this is how people choose gear. Price, color, style. Function does not come into play at all for so many. The first thing I look at when it comes to cribs is hardware. If there is one trace of plastic, I move onto the next one. After that, I look for one that is very sturdy, and has smooth junctures where the pieces join. Next, I check for potential weak points in the structure. Finding none, I look at the color and the style... and preferably it turns into a toddler bed, too. Surprisingly, this does not leave me with only the most expensive cribs. Yes, there are definitely some $400 cribs in there, but there are also some in the $275 range. Not surprisingly, it eliminates basically everything below that, but really, when you consider that this piece of furniture is supposed to give a baby, and then a toddler, a safe place to sleep, free of hazards, and where we as parents can reasonably expect to leave them unsupervised for hours, and come back to find them as we left them, do you really WANT something cheap? No. Cribs should not cost $100. You cannot make a quality product and sell it for that price. When companies try, of course it ends up being a death trap. (See also 3-in-1 carseats. That's going to be the next massive recall. I'd bet on it.)
Use common sense when selecting baby gear. That's really what it comes down to.
What I'm going to say may sound out of character, but it's the truth. Were our crib still in good condition, I'd still use it, recall be damned. Here's the thing. All the crazy "Safety Sam" stuff I do for my kids, I do because it makes sense. I keep my toddler rear-facing because 97% of crashes that result in injury are front or side impact and he will fare better if his spine is cradled. I avoid hospital birth because the statistical risk that I will die or my baby will die in the process, is higher than if I birth at home or in a freestanding birth center, as I am in good health. I make my 7-year-old wear a bike helmet because energy absorbing foam dulls the impact of a curb or a rock wall a lot better than a skull does. Just as all of these things make logical sense by the numbers, it would also make sense, if our crib were still serviceable, to use it, because frankly, the recall does not apply to it. The issues that all drop side cribs have been recalled for would be purely infeasible with that one. Trust me, when this controversy with drop side cribs started, I analyzed our crib from top to bottom. Orren was still using it at that point. I checked every point. I tested every point of concern. (Sometimes having a background in engineering really makes parenting a lot easier.)
My findings were simple. The problem with drop side cribs manufactured in recent years, is that they are poorly made, with cheap materials, and shoddy workmanship. Our crib is pretty old. It's old enough that we can't get replacement parts for it anymore, and when we type the serial number into the manufacturer's website, it doesn't even show up. I don't know what year it was manufactured in, but I'd guess probably the mid 1990's. What a difference a decade makes. This thing is made in such a way that the sides go together in a complex manner that makes the type of accident that killed many babies and resulted in the total ban on drop side cribs, completely impossible. It is made with all metal hardware, whereas most of the drop side cribs manufactured in recent years have plastic hardware. (I was floored by that fact. Honestly, that's what made the decision for me to use our old crib for Orren rather than buying him a new one. Plastic hardware looked like a disaster waiting to happen.)
This is the problem with America. Everyone wants everything so cheaply that they buy cheap plastic crap, thinking it's passed rigorous safety testing, and will do fine, and then best case scenario, they're hauling it back to the store a year later because it's recalled. Worst case scenario, their kid is one of the reasons for the recall. This is one of the biggest reasons we buy higher-end baby gear. How often do you hear of high-end brands being recalled? Nearly never. How often do you hear of these mass produced brands that you find everywhere for dirt cheap being recalled? Daily. Whose was the first drop side crib to be recalled due to widespread infant DEATHS occurring in it? Graco. Whose strollers were also recalled this year due to a strangulation hazard? Graco. What do you find on every major retailer's shelf, priced just right for every budget? I'll give you two guesses, but you'll only need one.
There are two problems here. First of all, companies are trying to make a product that will be affordable to the masses, so they cut corners on absolutely everything to get there. The stuff doesn't hold up worth a damn, and safety hazards are found a few months after it's released, and it gets recalled. The companies absolutely share a huge part of the blame for putting these products onto the market in the first place.
Secondly, though, the parents need a healthier degree of skepticism than what most have. "Oooooh look at the pretty colors and prints!!" "What a low price! Now I can buy the whole set!" Go to Babies R Us and hang out for half an hour. You'll find that 9 times out of 10, this is how people choose gear. Price, color, style. Function does not come into play at all for so many. The first thing I look at when it comes to cribs is hardware. If there is one trace of plastic, I move onto the next one. After that, I look for one that is very sturdy, and has smooth junctures where the pieces join. Next, I check for potential weak points in the structure. Finding none, I look at the color and the style... and preferably it turns into a toddler bed, too. Surprisingly, this does not leave me with only the most expensive cribs. Yes, there are definitely some $400 cribs in there, but there are also some in the $275 range. Not surprisingly, it eliminates basically everything below that, but really, when you consider that this piece of furniture is supposed to give a baby, and then a toddler, a safe place to sleep, free of hazards, and where we as parents can reasonably expect to leave them unsupervised for hours, and come back to find them as we left them, do you really WANT something cheap? No. Cribs should not cost $100. You cannot make a quality product and sell it for that price. When companies try, of course it ends up being a death trap. (See also 3-in-1 carseats. That's going to be the next massive recall. I'd bet on it.)
Use common sense when selecting baby gear. That's really what it comes down to.
What an interesting week.
I said before that basically everyone here is pregnant. Well, this week, basically everything tanked for every one of them who was due any time remotely soon. It's so weird to hear about how these hospitals handle this stuff. It's scary. I also see that hospital birthing so you'll have a healthy baby is definitely at least as much of an oxymoron as I thought it was. The biggest conversation among wives here lately is, "What NICU did they send your baby to after you had him/her?" I'm trying to think of one person I know who's had a baby in the past month and didn't have to send them to the NICU for at least a little while. Hospital birth for healthy babies, though, right? No. Please don't. As former Director of Women's and Children's Health for the World Health Organization, Dr. Marsden Wagner (yes, an American obstetrician) has said before, "If you want a humanized birth, get the hell out of the hospital." This place in the past week (well, more than that, really) has proven him right.
The problem begins because the mainstream obstetrical system has no focus on educating women. Not one of these women had one single clue how her body works, or how to help it get ready to have a baby. Not one of their hospital midwives, or surely not doctors, had told them anything about what they should be doing and should not be doing. They got their knowledge from scary mainstream books like "What to Expect When You're Expecting", which focus mainly on what can go wrong, and include nothing significant on how to prevent it. I notice that it is very different for me, and I feel luckier than ever to have always been assisted by midwives who have been willing to take it upon themselves to teach me the finer points of growing a baby, being healthy while doing that, and of course, having a baby. I'm also thankful to never have been in a system where I would have to call, be put on hold sometimes for hours, and when someone finally answers, be treated like shit when something doesn't seem right and I want to ask if I need help. I'm so glad it's different for me. I KNOW beyond a doubt that I can call Alyson ANY time, and she will answer my questions and tell me what I need to do to help myself, or come over and help me if that would be better or preferable. Not everyone has that. It is sad that it's a rarity.
So anyhow, because these women have not been taught anything important by their midwives (hospital midwives are notorious for this. They are more or less poorly paid doctors.) they end up in terrible health, and then once again, the hospital system drops the ball. Instead of trying to actually fix the problem, they intervene. They shoot them up with the entire pharmacy, put them flat on their backs, monitor their every function, and come rushing in the minute anything twitches. Then they usually go downhill at some point, and end up being either induced or sectioned, and a lot of times, the baby is early. Even if it isn't, the end of its time inside was so inhospitable that it's still not healthy, so the baby is whisked across town to whatever civilian hospital's NICU they arbitrarily decide to send him/her to, while mom stays and gets stitched up. It's ridiculous. Most of these babies seem to stay in the NICU for weeks.
Now, I'm sure it's possible that people have healthy babies at Ye Olde Butcher Shop, but the percentage who don't, is absolutely staggering. Now, why do you suppose no birth center on the planet has NICU rates like that? I mean, I actually don't know anybody who's ever had their baby sent to the NICU after a birth center birth, and only a couple after a homebirth. It's extremely uncommon for that to happen. There are a few key reasons for this, I would think.
For one, birth center and homebirth moms have to be very educated on the process from beginning to end. It's essential, and every midwife I know has a major focus on teaching her clients everything they need to know to make sure they have a healthy pregnancy and a successful birth (obviously including a healthy baby).
For another, having your midwife accessible to you whenever you need her can really prevent problems that begin to arise from getting bad enough to require pharmaceutical intervention. I'm not someone who calls my midwife for every little twinge, but if something felt wrong to me, I would be on the phone to Alyson quicker than you can blink, and if it was something, we could probably nip it right there. If you don't have reliable access to your midwife, but instead, to a clinic where you've got a great chance of being treated like garbage, that changes the game, and can make it where things that were preventable get out of hand.
Still more, the constant focus on labor induction in the hospitals these days is just insane. People can't possibly NOT have put two and two together on this one, right? I mean, I know me and my fellow "outside the box" thinkers cannot be the only ones who see the parallel between labor induction and really bad stuff happening to mom, and especially baby, right? It's just that it's so obvious. When you induce, you are bringing a baby forcibly into the outside world, a baby who is not ready to come out. When a baby is ready to be born, he/she will be born. To induce is to say, "Let's have a mildly premature baby." This is how so many babies are born at "full term", and still have lung issues, temperature regulation issues, and immune system problems. Birth center and homebirthed babies are not premature. They come in their own time, and are generally a lot bigger and healthier than their hospital-born counterparts. The lack of inductions is 100% the reason for that.
That brings me to another interesting, yet unrelated, observation. When I go to any birth center or talk with homebirth moms, and Orren's birth comes up in conversation, everyone just thinks it's cool that he was born 9 pounds and 9 ounces. Nobody thinks it's crazy, or that that's really big, or anything like that. Some even say, "Yeah, you look like the type who would have big babies." (I do. Moms who are thin, especially if also above average height, tend to have large babies.) If you look on the birth wall at the birth center that Orren was born at, you'll see that maybe 25% of the babies born there are 9 pounds or heavier. Well over 70% are above the 8 pound mark. Nearly none are below 7. Big healthy babies are born at every birth center, and while there are no birth walls to look at for a homebirth midwife's record, ask any one, and she'll tell you she delivers a lot of big babies, too, the same proportion of them as the birth center midwives do. (Or in Alyson's case, she practices in the birth center AND in homes, so she can tell you for sure that it's the same in most ways for the babies!) In this age of great nutrition, it would be a reasonable conjecture that human newborns are probably supposed to be in the 8-9 pound range in the majority of cases, yet the mainstream establishment slaps the "Macrosomia" label on anyone who grows one that hits 9 pounds, as if it's pathological, when the record of every birth center in the world shows clearly that it is normal.
OK, anyhow, as tangential as that was, it does illustrate that so many are out of touch with the reality of things. It is not this harmless thing either. This isn't like wishing you knew five years ago how great cloth diapering is so you could have done it with all your kids. This is something with far more widespread consequences than that. This is the difference between having a full term baby, or a mildly premature baby. This is the difference between a child with a lifetime of lung problems (why is the rate of asthma so high, again??) and one who is healthy. It is the difference between a child with a strong immune system, and one who is always sick. These are serious risks to take. I'll quote Dr. Marsden Wagner again. "If you want a humanized birth experience, get the hell out of the hospital." The biggest component to a humanized birth experience is the end result of a healthy baby and healthy mom. I don't know what they're calling what they do at these hospitals, but it is not human.
The problem begins because the mainstream obstetrical system has no focus on educating women. Not one of these women had one single clue how her body works, or how to help it get ready to have a baby. Not one of their hospital midwives, or surely not doctors, had told them anything about what they should be doing and should not be doing. They got their knowledge from scary mainstream books like "What to Expect When You're Expecting", which focus mainly on what can go wrong, and include nothing significant on how to prevent it. I notice that it is very different for me, and I feel luckier than ever to have always been assisted by midwives who have been willing to take it upon themselves to teach me the finer points of growing a baby, being healthy while doing that, and of course, having a baby. I'm also thankful to never have been in a system where I would have to call, be put on hold sometimes for hours, and when someone finally answers, be treated like shit when something doesn't seem right and I want to ask if I need help. I'm so glad it's different for me. I KNOW beyond a doubt that I can call Alyson ANY time, and she will answer my questions and tell me what I need to do to help myself, or come over and help me if that would be better or preferable. Not everyone has that. It is sad that it's a rarity.
So anyhow, because these women have not been taught anything important by their midwives (hospital midwives are notorious for this. They are more or less poorly paid doctors.) they end up in terrible health, and then once again, the hospital system drops the ball. Instead of trying to actually fix the problem, they intervene. They shoot them up with the entire pharmacy, put them flat on their backs, monitor their every function, and come rushing in the minute anything twitches. Then they usually go downhill at some point, and end up being either induced or sectioned, and a lot of times, the baby is early. Even if it isn't, the end of its time inside was so inhospitable that it's still not healthy, so the baby is whisked across town to whatever civilian hospital's NICU they arbitrarily decide to send him/her to, while mom stays and gets stitched up. It's ridiculous. Most of these babies seem to stay in the NICU for weeks.
Now, I'm sure it's possible that people have healthy babies at Ye Olde Butcher Shop, but the percentage who don't, is absolutely staggering. Now, why do you suppose no birth center on the planet has NICU rates like that? I mean, I actually don't know anybody who's ever had their baby sent to the NICU after a birth center birth, and only a couple after a homebirth. It's extremely uncommon for that to happen. There are a few key reasons for this, I would think.
For one, birth center and homebirth moms have to be very educated on the process from beginning to end. It's essential, and every midwife I know has a major focus on teaching her clients everything they need to know to make sure they have a healthy pregnancy and a successful birth (obviously including a healthy baby).
For another, having your midwife accessible to you whenever you need her can really prevent problems that begin to arise from getting bad enough to require pharmaceutical intervention. I'm not someone who calls my midwife for every little twinge, but if something felt wrong to me, I would be on the phone to Alyson quicker than you can blink, and if it was something, we could probably nip it right there. If you don't have reliable access to your midwife, but instead, to a clinic where you've got a great chance of being treated like garbage, that changes the game, and can make it where things that were preventable get out of hand.
Still more, the constant focus on labor induction in the hospitals these days is just insane. People can't possibly NOT have put two and two together on this one, right? I mean, I know me and my fellow "outside the box" thinkers cannot be the only ones who see the parallel between labor induction and really bad stuff happening to mom, and especially baby, right? It's just that it's so obvious. When you induce, you are bringing a baby forcibly into the outside world, a baby who is not ready to come out. When a baby is ready to be born, he/she will be born. To induce is to say, "Let's have a mildly premature baby." This is how so many babies are born at "full term", and still have lung issues, temperature regulation issues, and immune system problems. Birth center and homebirthed babies are not premature. They come in their own time, and are generally a lot bigger and healthier than their hospital-born counterparts. The lack of inductions is 100% the reason for that.
That brings me to another interesting, yet unrelated, observation. When I go to any birth center or talk with homebirth moms, and Orren's birth comes up in conversation, everyone just thinks it's cool that he was born 9 pounds and 9 ounces. Nobody thinks it's crazy, or that that's really big, or anything like that. Some even say, "Yeah, you look like the type who would have big babies." (I do. Moms who are thin, especially if also above average height, tend to have large babies.) If you look on the birth wall at the birth center that Orren was born at, you'll see that maybe 25% of the babies born there are 9 pounds or heavier. Well over 70% are above the 8 pound mark. Nearly none are below 7. Big healthy babies are born at every birth center, and while there are no birth walls to look at for a homebirth midwife's record, ask any one, and she'll tell you she delivers a lot of big babies, too, the same proportion of them as the birth center midwives do. (Or in Alyson's case, she practices in the birth center AND in homes, so she can tell you for sure that it's the same in most ways for the babies!) In this age of great nutrition, it would be a reasonable conjecture that human newborns are probably supposed to be in the 8-9 pound range in the majority of cases, yet the mainstream establishment slaps the "Macrosomia" label on anyone who grows one that hits 9 pounds, as if it's pathological, when the record of every birth center in the world shows clearly that it is normal.
OK, anyhow, as tangential as that was, it does illustrate that so many are out of touch with the reality of things. It is not this harmless thing either. This isn't like wishing you knew five years ago how great cloth diapering is so you could have done it with all your kids. This is something with far more widespread consequences than that. This is the difference between having a full term baby, or a mildly premature baby. This is the difference between a child with a lifetime of lung problems (why is the rate of asthma so high, again??) and one who is healthy. It is the difference between a child with a strong immune system, and one who is always sick. These are serious risks to take. I'll quote Dr. Marsden Wagner again. "If you want a humanized birth experience, get the hell out of the hospital." The biggest component to a humanized birth experience is the end result of a healthy baby and healthy mom. I don't know what they're calling what they do at these hospitals, but it is not human.
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