We don't do it because it's easy.

I'm still kind of celebrating the one year anniversary of my homebirth.  It was amazing, defining, and almost indescribable to be able to do that.  Once you homebirth, you just see the world differently. I hear it all the time from other homebirth moms, and it's so true.  There's a huge sense of confidence in one's innate ability as a human being that comes with birthing at home.  I've learned a lot over the past year, though, some of it funny, some of it annoying, but all of it sort of surprising to me.

People think only those who have quick easy births homebirth.  If you homebirth, you definitely had a 4 hour labor, and didn't even feel contractions for the most part.  Of course, this could not be farther from the truth.  My homebirth was actually very difficult, my longest labor, ending in a somewhat complicated birth.  When people say, "Well, I could never birth at home, I had a 16 hour labor! I needed that epidural!" I have to admit, I enjoy telling them how my labor at home was 24 hours from start to finish.  I'm not a one-upper, and I know of women who have had 50+ hour labors at home, so I know I don't win any prize for mine, but I really don't like misinformation floating around.  Homebirthers don't do it because it's easy for us.  We do it because even when it is difficult, it's still right.

The funniest and most surprising thing I found is that a lot of people think my homebirth was accidental!  I was often asked what hospital I went to that "allowed" me to birth a 10 pound baby naturally, and didn't do a c-section when he got stuck.  I always laugh and say, "Oh, he was born at home."  More times than I can count, they then asked, "Fast labor, huh?  You just didn't have time to get to the hospital?"  That absolutely cracks me up.  Oh, no, I had a very slow labor.  I had literally all day and all night to get to any hospital in the southwest if I'd wanted to (literally!  I could have birthed in Dallas, or Albuquerque, or Phoenix, or even San Diego if I'd wanted to!  Think about that.  It's true.)  But no, my midwife came to me, at home, and that's where Chai was born, because that's our way. It was very intentional, so intentional, in fact, that we moved to Texas for the express purpose of having the freedom to homebirth with a licensed midwife, without undue restrictions.

Another thing that has surprised me is that when you say "I homebirthed", you probably should just go ahead and follow it up with, "Now, please tell me every awful thing that makes you think you couldn't, or about your epidural that didn't work." (and in your head, "even though there's a 90% chance what I'm about to hear is complete bullshit").  Everyone wants to tell you their birth story, and they're never any good.  Nobody ever says, "Oh, you homebirthed?  Cool!  I had this totally kickass birth center birth.  I labored in the water all day, then ate some fruit and went for a walk.  After that, I felt kinda pushy, so I got onto the birth stool, and caught my own baby while my midwife cheered me on."  Nope.  You never hear that.  You hear two flavors of stories.  One flavor is the "I could never homebirth because I would DIE!!" and the other is, "Well, I was in a hospital and had an epidural, but it didn't work very well, so I still felt everything."  You wouldn't believe how many people want to tell you about their epidurals that didn't work when they find out you birthed a 10 pound baby in your own bed. (And they say we homebirthers are the ones who are trying to prove something!)

People also seem to think I'm trying to sell them on homebirthing.  That's simply not true.  Now, when someone expresses discontent with the way hospitals work, or their OB does things, I ask them why they're doing a hospital birth if they don't like that stuff, and if they have spoken with any homebirth midwives or visited a birth center.  That is because I want all people to be aware of their options, and to make an informed choice.  Homebirth is misunderstood, and so are birth centers.  Most people don't understand what happens if something goes wrong, and they don't understand what kind of clients midwives take and what kinds they do not take.  We inform to clear up misconceptions, or to encourage people to explore options that might suit them, not to persuade them to choose what we chose.  If you told me 10 years ago that I would have a baby at home, I'd have told you that you were insane.  I understand as well as anyone that for a lot of people, homebirth is a destination at the end of a long journey, and I would never push anyone in that direction.  If they're meant to get here, they will.

Money is the big thing.  I think I've been asked more than anything about the financial aspect.  That part really surprised me.  Before I had Chai, I always had questions for other homebirthers, but they were never about money. I would ask what kinds of stuff their midwife brought to the birth, or where they bought the supplies they needed.  I'd ask how they prepared their birth space, or what they did with their other kids during their labor, or if they had a doula.  It never occurred to me to ask about money, but that's what I get asked about more than anything else.  Everyone wants to know if Tricare covered my birth, and how I got that to happen.  They also want to know exactly how much it cost.  I finally had to tell friends to stop sending people to pick my brain about this, because it's really draining to have this totally defining experience and then all anyone wants to know about it is what my insurance company thought of it.  Truth be told, yes, I did receive partial reimbursement for my homebirth, from Tricare no less, but I didn't know going in that it was possible, and I didn't care.  I have never allowed an insurance company to make my birthing choices for me.  I make my choices, and my insurance company gets in where it fits in.  Birth is too important to subject to corporate policy.

Aside from the things I have been asked, there are a few things I would tell would-be homebirthers.  These are the things that stand out to me even now at the year mark:

It's worth it.
It's really hard to get a birth certificate.
People are going to think you're crazy.
You will question your resolve, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.
Don't let the fear mongers get you down.
And above all else, IT'S WORTH IT.

Breastfeeding in uniform is AWESOME!

This picture has caused quite a stir among the military community, and seems to be especially divisive among female soldiers and vets. I've mostly stopped reading comments on the various articles about this, because they just make me mad, but the gist is, a lot of people in this world don't think female soldiers should get to be quite human.  Some say no female soldier should have babies.  Some say female soldiers shouldn't be allowed to breastfeed.  It pretty bad.  Of course, there is also a significant portion of society who says this is great, and the people who think it's wrong need a reality check.  Obviously, that's where I stand. 

Unfortunately, I hear a lot of comments from female vets, saying things like, "Well, they can breastfeed if they want to, I guess, but they should do it in a private location, not just anywhere." or "It's just very disrespectful of the uniform.  Haven't we fought hard enough for respect? This undermines us." 

These comments make me want to hit things.  I cannot believe female vets would actually speak against our own kind like this, when they're just doing something that is totally their right to do, and is something that women in the military have been fighting to be able to do for so long.  Do you have any idea how many women don't get breaks to pump, or get deployed when their babies are just weeks old, so they cannot breastfeed?  This is a huge issue in the military.  If the breastfeeding rate at 12 months is 15% for society at large, for female soldiers, I wouldn't put it anywhere above maybe 3%, and those 3% would be nearly all officers (in other words, people with enough influence to insist on certain provisions for themselves) in non-deploying jobs such as working in hospitals stateside, or administrative jobs.  Needless to say, that's not the majority of the military.  Being a mom in the military is daunting.  Breastfeeding in the military is like climbing Mt. Everest.  Knowing this, female vets, more than any other group, should give our strongest support to women who dare to challenge the norms, and challenge the Good Old Boy Network that we all know way too well, to step out of their comfort zone, and join the 21st century.

For those who think I'm full of crap, I've got to ask you a few questions.

1) Have you ever smoked in uniform? (I have.)
2) Have you ever drank in uniform? (I have.)
3) Have you ever stood around talking trash with your buddies or otherwise acting like kind of an idiot, while in uniform? (I have.)

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you don't have a leg to stand on when insisting on propriety of activities for respect of the uniform.

It's about time female soldiers were seen as full fledged human beings.  I think the thing that surprised me the most about being in the Army was that I simply could not do what a normal girl my age could do, and I couldn't do what my male counterparts could do either.  My motives for every move I made were questioned, and I was always suspect, just for living my life.  I seemed to miss the line that said, "You aren't a person anymore.  You cannot be like other females, but you cannot have the rights that male troops have either." in my enlistment contract.  It is hard to be a female soldier.  Your coworkers don't respect you, their wives hate your guts, and society isn't quite sure exactly what you're trying to prove.  Let's not contribute to this by dragging our own down with insistence that they adhere to some arbitrary standard of propriety that doesn't even exist within regulations.  Let's instead shut these good old boys up about this stuff.  It's in everybody's best interest for that to happen, because if female troops win this battle, it will set one hell of a precedent.

War on Women, Health Care, Freedom of Choice... and little ol' me

Please note, this entry is extremely candid, and written from personal experience, so if you don't like it, please just scroll on past.  It's about how completely screwed up the women's health care system is right now, and the battle I fought within that system for one year and one day. More importantly, it's about how it needs to improve, and that finally it seems to have done so in one small but significant way.  If that seems like something you can stomach, read on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A friend of mine from back in El Paso posted this article today.  Of course anything in women's health is big to her since she's a midwife, but this one was really interesting to me because of the struggle I have gone through for one year and one day, ending just 12 hours ago.  This "war on women" thing they talk about in the press is very real.  There are a lot of barriers to good health care, and real freedom of choice.  It's very strange the things people think they have the right to legislate on, or restrict, or the way regular people get pushed to the wayside in some big chess game of special interests and pharmaceutical companies.

You see, one year and one day ago, Chai was born.  After both of my previous births, I went back to the CNM who attended those births, and had her place a copper IUD for me.  It's the only form of contraception I'll use (well... as far as kinds a doctor or midwife has to hook you up with anyway). Chai's birth was different, though.  It was a CPM attended homebirth, and CPM's do not have the authority to place IUD's like CNM's do, so in El Paso, my only option was to find a doctor to do it. 

I really dislike doctors, especially OB/GYN's.  I don't trust them.  I don't like the awkwardness of how they always ask me about my births, and look at me funny when they find out that I don't birth in hospitals, and that my big babies weren't c-sections or inductions, and that I didn't have anything bad happen from birthing such large babies naturally, nowhere near a hospital.  I know they think I'm reckless and maybe a little crazy, even though I know better.  They are not part of my world, but in El Paso, there was no choice, so I chose a doctor a lot of people I know seem to like ok, whom I knew took my insurance, and scheduled an appointment. By then, Chai was 4 months old, since that's how long it took us to save up the copay on a simple office visit. Thak was working at BMW at that time, and making very little money.  He said we'd scrape together the money and get my IUD one way or another, so I went ahead and did a consult for that when I went in.  I ended up not scheduling a second appointment just because I knew there was no way we'd be able to afford it.

I had to go back in six months anyway because my pap came back abnormal and they wanted to repeat it, so I did.  By that time, Thak was working at his current job, we had our HSA, and we could afford my IUD.  I was so happy, and again, I had them do the workup for it.  A week later, the office staff called me and told me that there was very good news.  My pap came back normal (Yay!) and that my insurance company had approved my Mirena IUD, but my cost share would be 100% because my deductible wasn't met.  Wait a minute, you never asked me what kind of IUD I wanted. I don't want a Mirena.  It's full of hormones.  I want Paragard, which is made of copper.  I was told they don't do Paragard.  I asked if they could order it in. No.  I asked if they could order it in if I prepaid for it. No.  Finally, I asked if I found another practice who would do it, if they would fax my records to them so I didn't have to go through it all again, and they said they would do that.

I called every doctor in El Paso who wasn't male (because I just don't do male doctors), and wasn't this one practice that I had a horrible experience with a couple years prior, and only one of them was even willing to do Paragard.  I was so happy until they asked me what insurance I have.  I told them I have United Healthcare, and they told me they were only accepting military patients, so I was out of luck. By then, Thak was due home from Maryland any day, and we were moving to GA, and I knew I could go back to the birth center I had Orren at, and they would do it for me, so I resigned myself to waiting a while longer. 

When I arrived in GA, I set up an appointment.  I had to wait a month for it, but I had an appointment finally, and I knew they would do it for me.  Finally, the day came for my appointment, and everything went perfectly.  Then all we had to do was wait for my records to be faxed from TX, then get my insurance company's approval, and then order in my IUD.  All of this took another month, but today, a year and a day after Chai was born, I FINALLY got my IUD. We had to pay $800 for it.  Thank goodness that Thak's firm matches our HSA contributions, or we would not have been able to afford it even now.

Some might look at this and say that the system didn't work against me, or that it's my own fault for being so picky, but while that may play a part, I don't think it's right to dismiss stories like mine off hand. I don't think I was asking too much.  I don't want to fill my body with synthetic hormones that can give me cancer, bone loss, weight gain, and who knows what else, and I don't think that's wrong.  I don't want to have a fourth baby.  We can't afford one, and another pregnancy would not be good for me physically.  For the longest, we couldn't afford to throw down an $800 copay to buy an IUD for me. 

So what were we left with?  Abstinence? (Yes, GOP, I'm sure you'd love to add that to your school curriculum.  "Look, kids! We even encourage happily married couples in their 30's to use abstinence! It's that good!") Condoms? Natural family planning?  These are all a total crap shoot. It is a miracle I didn't get pregnant again in the year I spent fighting the system and waiting.  It really is.  Thank goodness for breastfeeding and the way it inhibits fertility a bit, allowing some of these crap shoot methods to work a bit more effectively than they normally would.  If I hadn't been breastfeeding, I know I would be expecting baby #4 right now, and not due to stupidity, laziness, or any failure of my own. I do not consider it a failure on my part that I was unwilling to use hormone based contraception with vast health consequences, nor give up an important part of my marriage.  I don't think those are options anyone should have to be put in a position of taking.

It isn't right that the insurance that we pay a lot of money for each month isn't currently required to pick up the tab for IUD's.  The change that the Obama administration has brought in requiring them to do that is a necessary one, and the sooner it becomes effective, the better.  I found my way through the current mine field, but I don't wish that on anyone.  I think anybody who's in my position should be able to walk into a doctor's office, tell them what form of contraception they want, and insurance pick up the tab for that.  It's not asking much.  This isn't welfare. This isn't a government handout. We pay a lot of money every month to have this insurance.  It's crazy to pay hundreds a month in premiums and then they don't even cover half the stuff we need.  Sure, they'd cover screenings I don't need until I'm 40 or 50 years old, but they won't cover the IUD I need when I'm 20 or 30.  That makes absolutely no sense.

It's time to stop this war on women.  I got through my part of it, and I'm ok.  I feel a great sense of relief and calm now that I finally have what I need, and my life feels a lot more normal than it did even just yesterday.  The fact that it was so hard to get to this point has to change, and I'm so glad it's going to.  I really do not want to see friends go through this tomorrow, or my daughter in 20 years. 

One Year!!!!

Today is HUGE.  Not only is it Chai's real birthday (we had his party yesterday, and it was great), but today, I actually reached my breastfeeding goal.  This is the first time I have ever made it this long, even though I've always known I should, and that it was the right thing to do.  Something always kept me from it before, and in retrospect, I know it shouldn't have, but this time, I made it!!!  It doesn't seem like a lot to most people, to breastfeed for a year.  Most of my friends are still going strong at 2 or 3 years, and my one year doesn't look like anything great by comparison, but to me, this is a BIG deal. 

We're not going to wean now or anything.  It's still going to be Chai's decision when we wean, especially since he's only nursing a few times a day now, and drinking almond milk from a cup.  I know not everyone agrees with giving 1-year-olds milk other than breastmilk, but I thought it would do no harm to start him on almond milk now just so if I have to leave him for any reason, Thak will be able to feed him, and he'll be used to it already.  He's also skinny, and the extra calories won't hurt him a bit.  He drinks water from a cup just fine, and herb tea (we found that out this weekend at grandma's house!), so why not almond milk, too, for more calories? 

One year.  Wow.  I cannot believe it.  It was hard at first, and we fought through a lot of difficulties to get to this point, but it's good to be here.  I would go through all of it again if I had it to do over, because nursing Chai for the first year of his life may be one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done.

Let me be stereotypical for a minute.

I have no love for military wives who blindly defend their husbands' work, as if since he does it, it must be good.  I served in the Army, and I know that a great percentage of what our troops are used for is definitely not good.  I think everyone needs to open their eyes to that.  It's Memorial Day weekend, and everyone feels obligated to put in their two cents about the military, so I see a lot of stuff.  Some of it gets cool points, like when people acknowledge that female troops exist by saying something like, "Take this weekend to remember all our men and women in the military who have made the ultimate sacrifice." Some of it is sweet.  Some is cliche. Some of it is thought provoking.  For the first time today, I encountered something that kind of pissed me off.  Here it is:

If you can't see that, it's a dead Iraqi child, and it says "Memorial Day, Take this day to remember all the innocent children killed by Unmanned Aerial Vehicles."

OK, so obviously, as the wife of someone who's been in the UAV program practically since its inception as far as light UAV's for brigade level use are concerned anyway, this really pissed me off.  I'm not one to be overly sensitive about Thak's work.  We don't believe the war in Iraq ever should have happened, and we do not believe that the war in Afghanistan was necessary either, and certainly not for this long.  We are pretty solidly anti-war.  We are NOT the war mongering pieces of trash that a lot of people think we would be. 

More importantly than that, my husband is not a baby killer.  In fact, if he were to count how many lives he has saved by keeping his UAV's flying, it would be an impossible task.  His planes do surveillance missions.  They find the actual bad guys, the ones who are packing cars full of explosives, or standing on a rooftop with an AK-47 about to light up a marketplace, or burying a bomb in the sand by the side of the road.  Then the commanders on the ground can use that information to coordinate strategic force on those people only.  Do you have any idea how much less collateral damage there is this way than if you sent a platoon of grunts to patrol a village and see what they found?!  I'm not hating on grunts. They have their place.  Their place is a lot better defined with the help of UAV surveillance.

Yes, I am aware that some UAV's are armed with weapons platforms.  That is a big development that has happened since Thak was selected for the UAV program.  Since he does not work with that type of UAV's, that is not something I am going to speak on much.  I will say, though, that it has its place, and sometimes, as crazy as this may sound, there is a lot less collateral damage by doing an aerial strike than there is by sending a ground unit in.  The alternative is to let the terrorists capture innocent people, set up bombs, and place snipers wherever they want.  That's what they do, and that's what they will do until we leave.  (Yes, I believe we should leave.  Last I checked, the folks in DC didn't ask me what I thought of it, though.) 

We have a choice here.  We can either hear an OCCASIONAL report of a UAV strike that missed, and had some awful consequence, or we can hear daily of whole platoons of US troops blown up while entire villages of innocent civilians were caught in the crossfire.  Which would you rather hear about? 

I sleep well at night knowing my husband does good work.  I am proud that he is in the UAV program, and that he IS the eyes in the sky, and SAVING people's lives.  Note that I did not say *American* lives.  That's because he saved more Iraqis than he did Americans during his 3 tours there.  We may not agree with that war or think it ever should have happened, but being in the UAV program, he did good work, and anyone who thinks the UAV program has made things worse obviously has not heard much about what it was like to fight without it in Vietnam.  Think about it.

Carseats

Because I just heard something completely horrifying (1-year-old in a booster!), I have to make a carseat post.  A lot of parents are clueless on carseats.  I was when Erin was little.  I knew she had to be rear-facing at first, although I really didn't know why.  I turned her at a year and 20 pounds because the research we have today on extended rear-facing had not been made available to the public yet.  We didn't know when was the right time to go to a booster, or to stop using one.  Our carseat research kicked off when Orren was about 4 months old and outgrew his infant seat. (Orren was a large baby.)

When we looked into it, we found that rear-facing is 500% safer in front and side impact crashes, and that those types of crashes make up 96% of crashes with injuries.  We watched crash test videos, and saw how the shell of a rear-facing carseat supports the child's whole spine in a crash, and protects the head from injury.  We also saw how the forward-facing child is flung with great force against the straps of their carseat, their limbs and head flailing forward into the seat in front of them, often causing fractures and concussions, in addition to spinal injury from the force of being flung forward and stopped abruptly by only a harness.  It was clear to us before long that we would rear-face Orren for as long as we could. 

Harnessing is another thing.  Kids are safer in a 5-point harness than they are in a booster, especially if they're small for their age.  Kids under 40 pounds are at risk for submarining in a booster.  Submarining is where they slide under the seatbelt.  Kids die of this because the seatbelt will strangle them.  Erin was only 35 pounds when we learned about this.  She went back into a harness for the next year and a half.  Another factor for boostering, which wasn't an issue for Erin (or many girls) is that the kid must be capable of sitting still, and in a proper position for the entire car ride.  Erin was fine on that front, but many kids don't reach that level of maturity until they're about 5 or 6 years old. A seatbelt won't work if the kid won't wear it right because they're popping around like jumping beans in the back seat.  It's really common sense.

The law hasn't caught up to this stuff yet.  The 1 year and 20 pounds rule still stands in all US states.  Most states do not have a minimum booster age, although some of them say 4 years or 40 pounds (maybe some say 4 years and 40 pounds, I'm not sure).  Many states require kids to use some type of seat, in compliance with manufacturer recommendations until 8 years or 4'9". That's the law in TX and GA, which are the states we've raised our kids in for the most part.  I think the thing to remember is that just because you CAN doesn't mean that you necessarily SHOULD.  I could forward-face Chai next week.  He's 21 pounds and about to turn 1.  I could booster Orren.  I won't do this stuff, though, because it could be a death sentence to them in a crash if I did, and I could never live with myself if I didn't give them the best odds.

I want to do a little photographic rundown of seats that are good and not good.

Here's Erin at age 6 in a Graco Nautilus.  Yes, I know it looks like her head is above the top of it.  It isn't.  The angle of the picture makes it look this way.  Anyhow, this is what a big kid in a 5-point harness looks like.  She was under 40 pounds in this pic, and would have potentially submarined in a booster, so a 5-point was way safer for her at that point in time.

This is Orren, about 15 months old and 28 pounds, rear-facing in his Radian XTSL. You can see Erin in the background in her Monterrey high-back booster.  By the time this was taken, Erin had gone through a large growth spurt, and was over 40 pounds, therefore she did not run the risk of submarining in her booster.




Here's Orren at 3 years old, forward-facing in his Britax Marathon.  He had outgrown the rear-facing height limit of this seat.



 Now, here's a pic of what NOT to do.  This is Orren last weekend, so about 3.5 years old, trying out a booster at Babies R Us!  It would be totally legal to put him in this seat in the car since he meets the requirements to use it (3 years and 30 pounds).  It would be a really bad idea to put him in this seat even though it fits him (actually, that head rest would need to go up a click.  This seat would actually fit a kid smaller than Orren!) because at only 33 pounds, he would face a high risk of submarining in a crash.  This would be a great seat for him to use in a couple years when he's not only over 40 pounds, but also mature enough to sit still for a whole car ride. (If you know Orren, you know he's not there yet!)




Now, just because this one is adorable, here are Orren and Chai (5 months and almost 3 years) both rear-facing in Radians, and cuddled up in a silk veil, coming home from a long day with mommy's bellydance troupe.

 This is my favorite one of all.  This is a chart that shows how the spine develops from cartilage to bone over the course of years.  This is how it goes regardless of your baby's weight, head control, muscle tone, or any other factor.  This is why it is so important for kids to rear-face to at least age 3.

Glass Gem Corn?! Sign me up!

I just got on the waiting list for seeds for Glass Gem Corn!  Is this not the coolest looking thing you have ever seen?!  Unfortunately, you can't eat it off the cob like sweet corn, but it's great for popping, so I want to grow it anyway.  My kids love popcorn, and I'm always having to go out of my way to find popping corn that isn't GMO.  This is definitely something we would use.  It's so beautiful!  The minute I saw it, I knew it was definitely part of my farming bucket list.

They say there are going to be a lot of seeds available in October of this year, so maybe I will have the opportunity to buy some then.  I just hope I got onto the waiting list early enough to get some this year so I can plant them next year.  If not, then I'll just be waiting longer.  But WOW.  This corn.  How could we not want to grow it?!  I've never seen anything else like it.

Choices, or something.

Today I was accused of being a judgmental, rude, mean, bully who contributes to the "mommy wars".  My offense?  Asking someone why they were planning on circumcising their son. I didn't say what I was really thinking, which was, "OMG WHY?!! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!".  I simply asked why they were planning on doing that.  If you know me, you know that I think circumcision is disgusting, and a total human rights violation.  The US is the only western nation with a circ rate above 10%.  We are way behind the times.  Other countries are putting out strong statements against it, and some have made it illegal (GO FINLAND!!)  The US hasn't gotten the memo, because parents continue to use shoddy logic to make their decision on this issue. I've gone through all the common reasons that people do this, and they're all easily overturned by simple logic and common sense.

I suspect this is why people get so defensive over it.  I honestly believe that a person who's confident in their decisions won't go nuts on someone who asks "Why did you choose that?"  As a homebirth mom who does not circumcise ever, nor vaccinate much, and who is breastfeeding beyond one year (ok, as of next week, we'll be beyond the one year mark), I'm really used to being asked why I do the things I do.  I don't mind explaining it. 

Why did I homebirth?  Because birth isn't an emergency.  Because I'm capable of it. Because birth tends to go better when there are no interventions.  Because I am more comfortable on my own turf.  Because it's safe when you have a good midwife with you, like I did. 

Why am I breastfeeding beyond a year? Because it's biologically appropriate for our species, and every medical association in the world recommends it.

Why don't I circumcise? Because my son's bodies are theirs, not mine, and it isn't my decision to make.  Because there's no compelling reason to do it, and no medical association in the world recommends it.  Because it's harmful, and over 100 babies a year die of it.  Not to mention, NOT doing it is reversible.  My sons can decide to have it done if they want to later (although that's really unlikely).  They couldn't put it back if they decided they didn't want it done. (Google "foreskin restoration" if you doubt that any man would ever want it back. Over 250,000 do.)

Why do we forgo most vaccinations?  Because most of the diseases we vaccinate for are less harmful than the ingredients of the vaccines. Because vaccines compromise the immune system.  Because I know people who are vaccine injured, and it's a really serious thing. Also because my kids' bodies are theirs and not mine, and they can choose to get more vaccines when they are able to read up and make their own decision.

I will gladly explain this stuff to anybody because my decisions are good.  They are supported by science and backed up by logic.  A person who gets defensive over their choices and uses lines like, "My kid, my choice." knows on some level that they didn't do their homework, and isn't very confident in their decision. 

I don't know why so many people think it's asking too much, to think, to step outside your comfort zone, and to really learn.  I used to think vaccines were great. I used to think homebirth was cool, but not something I'd ever be willing to do.  I used to think circumcision was no big deal.  Maybe it is my background in the sciences (hey, engineering is a science, an applied science!) but I cannot do anything that I don't research thoroughly and believe in enough to explain confidently to those who question.  It was when I researched that I learned that circumcision is completely unnecessary, and can be harmful.  I learned that homebirth is safe and recommended for people like me.  I learned that vaccines are not a cut and dry thing, and that just taking the doctor's word for it is to do my children a disservice. Only when I stepped outside my comfort zone did I learn.  If I'd been so stuck in "the way things have always been done", I wouldn't know most of the things I know about this stuff, and I would not have made informed choices.  I'd probably also say things like, "My kid, my choice." and "Don't judge me for making a different choice than you made." just like these people who cannot answer a simple question.

Basically, the idea is, if you get completely defensive when asked why you think what you think, or do what you do, then you probably need to consider what logic you're using to arrive at that decision.

I'll also leave this here, because it's a great article, and raises good points.
50 reasons to leave it alone

Milk sharing

I have an amazing opportunity and I am SO happy about it.  I am pumping milk to donate to a relative's twin sons!  They were born at only 30 weeks, so they can't nurse yet, but when they do, it's going to take a lot of work to produce enough milk for both of them.  It is common for twins to have to be supplemented at some point, especially in cases like this, where their mom is establishing her supply with a pump.  That's the hardest way to establish a milk supply, and it does somewhat increase the odds that they may need to be supplemented.  Most of the time, these days, people use formula if a baby has to be supplemented, but that's not the best way.  Even the World Health Organization thinks it's far better to use the milk of another human mother if you have to supplement. 

The main reason I am so excited to be able to donate milk for these boys is because when Chai was little, and I had supply issues that I was working hard to overcome, a friend pumped milk for me to feed him.  It made such a huge difference.  I had supplemented him with formula before she had offered us milk, and he didn't like it.  The two times Chai has spit up in his life, it was after receiving formula.  It obviously was a subpar product, and I didn't want to feed it to him.  On Sarah's milk, he didn't have those problems, and he grew so strong and so healthy.  Ultimately, my hard work paid off and my supply got up to the level we needed it to be, so we were able to stop supplementing.  That's the end goal for anyone, of course, but when we did have to supplement, it was so great to have donor milk to do that with.  It's almost like I am passing along the favor.  It's just really cool to be in a position to be able to do it. 

To learn more about milk sharing, go to these sites:

Human Milk 4 Human Babies
Eats on Feets

Swamp engineering

What you are looking at here is my watermelon and cantaloupe patch.  That is a trellis for them, because when you have a small yard like we do, it's good if vine type things go up rather than out, and melon vines will climb if they have something to climb on.  This knocked out two birds with one stone. 

See, we have a ton of stuff that used to be in our garage, when we had a garage, and among that stuff was the old drop side crib that Erin and Orren slept in when they were babies.  I couldn't bring myself to just unceremoniously trash it.  I also couldn't use it with Chai, even though it wasn't the type of drop-side that had the safety hazard that prompted all the recalls in the first place.  It's old (it was old when I got it, and that was 9 years ago), and it was falling apart.  I hung onto it because I found a tutorial on Pinterest for how to make a drop side crib into a craft table for kids, and I was going to do that with it, but where exactly would I put a craft table in this apartment? 

Then there was the melon issue.  We were going to have to trellis them, and we figured we'd just build a trellis out of the bamboo that grows wild behind our complex.  I had Thak go cut me down some of it, but then I realized it would be SO much easier to use bamboo and the pieces of the crib to make the trellis than making it completely out of bamboo.  We actually have a smaller trellis like this on the other side of the yard, too, using the remaining piece of the crib, in our tomato patch.

That's swamp engineering right there. :)

Do you.... interracial?

Let me preface this by saying I'm not in it to win some diversity prize, nor am I trying to one-up anyone.  This is about the facts of the situation, nothing more, nothing less. 

With that said, I've been with Thak for almost 9 years now, and in that time, we've definitely had our share of interracial couple hiccups. These range from the funny, like my distaste for fish sauce and the fact that it's in EVERY Thai dish, to the not so funny, like the nasty messages I sometimes receive from white supremacists who troll social networking sites.  We've also met our share of people who think it's totally fine to call an Asian person a "gook", or that "chinaman" is an acceptable term. On the flip side, I have run into more than a couple Thai women who thought I had no business taking a good Thai man off the market, and that I should just go find one of my own kind.  I've come to a point of acceptance that most Asian men think I'm awesome, and a significant percentage of Asian women think I suck, and that this makes things like going for food or getting my nails done a very interesting experience if I bring Thak with me. I didn't actively look for an Asian husband, but I have one, and this is my life.  Part of our reality is that, to some people, we don't make a bit of sense as a couple, even though, to us, and probably most people who know us, we make perfect sense. 

Anyway, having this life I have, and honestly wouldn't trade despite the bumps in the road, there's something that annoys me a little, and I've been seeing it more lately.  I'm just going to say it.  If you're white, and your husband is 15/16 white and 1/16 Choctaw, and straight-up looks white, you are NOT in an interracial marriage. I'm not saying your marriage sucks, or that I'm better, or cooler, or more progressive than you. I'm just saying, two people who are mostly the same race AND appear to be the same race, aren't an interracial couple in any practical sense of the term.  Again, there's no merit badge for this stuff.  I just get sick of people who don't understand, acting like they're totally in the same boat.  I get it.  Interracial relationships are in these days.  Trust me, I'm all for that.  Why limit yourself based on race, right?  Love knows no color!  But to attempt to put an interracial spin on a clearly same-race pairing, is just lame. 

I've dated white guys before.  It's different dating or marrying someone of another race.  When you're part of a same-race heterosexual couple, you sort of fly under the radar screen.  Sure, you may still face discrimination because of your age, or your nationality, or maybe your age difference, or some other factor, but mostly, you can just do your thing, and people are cool with that.  This goes double if you're both white. If someone doesn't like you, it's generally because of your actions.  For example, I had this one ex-boyfriend who's white, and people used to always tell me, "You should break up with him.  He's a real asshole."  That's something he did.  He chose to be an asshole.  He could have been nice if he wanted to.  This is totally different from people who thought I should not marry Thak because he's Asian.  Obviously, nobody chooses their race.  When you are in an interracial relationship, no matter how progressive society gets, there will always be people who are totally up front with saying they don't agree with it. 48% of Republicans in Mississippi, for example, still think marriages like mine ought to be illegal.  That is shocking.  How would you like to read some statistic that a lot of people actually think your marriage should be ILLEGAL?  Same race heterosexual couples will generally live their entire lives without that experience.  Similarly, when I dated white guys, I never had a white girl come up to me and tell me to stick to my own kind, nor did I receive nasty-grams from total strangers about why my relationship was wrong. 

None of this is to say that same-race relationships are inherently easier, or that interracial relationships are inherently harder.  Everyone has challenges of some sort.  I just don't think it's the least bit correct for someone who is in a same-race relationship to say they are in an interracial relationship and try to claim some type of street cred for that. (If they're not trying to gain any credibility by saying it, then I don't care what they say.) I don't think anyone's amused by that kind of thing.  Just be you.  It's better.

End of school year performance

So tomorrow, we go to Erin's end of school year performance.  This sounds innocent enough, until you hear the details.  Once I tell you all that, I'm sure you'll join me in wondering just what these people are smoking.

It starts at 8:30 am.
It is comprised entirely of musical numbers.
It is two hours long.
They can't tell us when our kid's class will be on so we can come just for that.
They ask that younger siblings not be brought.
We are expected to sign her out after it's over.

OK, where do we begin with how ridiculous this thing is?  Oh, I know.  TWO HOURS of musical numbers at 8:30 in the morning?!!  Are you KIDDING me?!  The only person I want to hear singing at that hour of the day is Johnny Cash on my iPhone. 

Secondly, we're not supposed to bring younger siblings, so in theory, we're supposed to find a babysitter at this ridiculous hour.  In theory, I could find one, but she is in Hinesville, which is half an hour from here, and it's entirely infeasible to get the boys there and get back for the thing, AND be here to put Erin on the bus.  Not to mention the quarter tank of gas we'd end up wasting in the process.  The babysitter thing is NOT happening.  The boys are coming to the show, and if anyone has anything to say about it, well.... let them.

I can just imagine the meeting to plan this thing.  The sadistic principal rubbing her hands together maniacally, and saying, "LET'S MAKE IT TWO HOURS LONG!!!"  Then Erin's crazy teacher chimes in, "ALL MUSICAL NUMBERS!!" and the janitor says, "MAKE IT START AT 8 IN THE MORNING!!!", and the cafeteria lady says excitedly, "AND SAY NO YOUNGER SIBLINGS ARE ALLOWED SO THAT THE ONES WHO DON'T HAVE FAMILY HERE REALLY HAVE TO SWEAT OVER IT!!!" Smiling evilly, the principal says, in a voice reminiscent of Montgomery Burns on The Simpsons, "Excellent.  We'll sell DVD's for $9.99, and send home flyers about it repeatedly, marking them as "First Notice, Second Notice, and Third Notice" as if they're late on their electric bill." and they all laugh together BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The town of Pembroke will never be the same!!!

Tomorrow.  I think I'll take a giant thermos of coffee.  If they have a problem with that, well, too bad.

Delicious Food

Let there be no doubt why it is great to live in Georgia.  Every ingredient of this delicious bowl of shrimp and grits that I just ate for dinner tonight, came from within 25 miles of me.  Delicious shrimp from the coast of Savannah, onions from Vidalia, bacon from Sylvania, grits from Statesboro.... It's all here.

In the desert, food isn't what it is on the coast.  You just eat to survive.  There's really not much pleasure or pride in it.  Everything has to come from far away, because nothing grows there, and not a lot of good stuff is available, because everything perishable has to be frozen first.  Nothing tastes as good in the desert as it does here. 

Here, food is great.  We shop with our local farmers, ranchers, and fishermen, and we make what we can make with what they have available.  We can do that here.  I usually hate pretentious food posts, because I always feel like people are trying to prove something with them.  I hope that's not how this comes across, because this is not a pretentious food post.  This is an appreciative food post, because this time last year, this food wouldn't have happened for us.

Food

Eating has never been more confusing.  I recently learned about something called the Paleo Diet.  From what I can gather, it's where you exclude grains and dairy from your diet.  There's more to it than that, but those are the big things.  Basically, you eat meat, eggs, veggies, and fruits.  That's awesome, minus the fact that eggs completely disgust me.  The idea is that we didn't evolve to eat grains or dairy, and that these things are making us fat and sick.  I can see how that could be true, but at the same time, what about most of Asia, which survives primarily on rice (a grain), and has greater life expectancy, better health, and less obesity, than most places?  Obviously this Paleo thing isn't cut and dry.  I won't be trying it anytime soon, despite the fact that about half the people I know seem to be doing it.

I also heard some rumors this week about a farm we get a lot of our meat from.  Supposedly "their practices aren't what they say they are".  OK, so being that it came from a city person, I take that with a grain of salt.  What are we talking about here?  There are some things that city people are going to be less than knowledgeable about when it comes to raising livestock, so I wanted to know just what practices weren't clear.  Were we talking about something awful like growth hormone implants in their steers, or hogs raised in pens, or were we talking about something that isn't as big a deal, like steers penned once a day to eat grain and let back out in their field an hour later?  I still haven't 100% gotten to the bottom of it, but from what I have been able to figure out, it's more on par with the latter.  They buy calves from non-organic sources, and they may be vaccinated.  While the purest of pure eaters may have an issue with that, I don't.  I don't think 2 cc's (so, 1/15 of an ounce) of nasty vaccine ingredients given 18 months before slaughter is really going to taint a 1200 pound steer to any great degree. I don't think I really care where they buy calves from, which they then turn around and raise their way.  I personally would buy a steer from almost anywhere, at a young age, and raise him my way, and feed that meat to my family.  If that makes me less than a healthy eater, so be it.

Also, since Chai is turning a year old in a matter of days, we're considering a milk for him other than breastmilk.  So far, the only other thing he's drank is water (and a little juice at one of my belly dance shows), and we know that we don't have to start him on some other milk at the age of one year, but my milk supply has never been anything to write home about, and we thought he might do well to have some other kind of milk, too, now that he can.  Since Orren and Thak are both lactose intolerant, there is a very good chance that Chai is, too, so I don't want to chance it with cow's milk.  None of my kids have a great history with cow's milk, and actually, neither me nor Thak has a great history with it either.  Basically, in our house, the guys are lactose intolerant and the girls just hate the stuff, so cow's milk is off the table.  Goat's milk is hard to find a reliable source for.  Soy milk is out of the question since most soy is GMO, and even the organic stuff has hormone disrupting side-effects.  That leaves almond milk and coconut milk.  We know Orren does great on almond milk, and Orren's friend Hudson does really well on coconut milk, so it's really between those for which we start Chai on.  I had heard that unsweetened vanilla soy milk tastes the closest to breastmilk, so that's what we got for him.  The things people have said to us about our choice to give him almond milk have been really interesting.  Almond milk has too much sugar, coconut milk comes in cans sealed with BPA, and has some other ingredient that people say is bad.... The list goes on.  As far as consumers go, I'm a fairly informed one, and this crap blows my mind.  At some point, we had to just shut out all the argument over what was good and what wasn't, and make a decision based on what worked for Orren, because since Chai is Orren's brother, odds are good it'll work for him, too.

Food has become a mine field lately.  Navigating a grocery store, or even a farmers' market, and trying to make heads or tails of what's in front of you is harder than ever.  Does it have harmful ingredients? Is it local?  Is it organic?  If it's not organic, is it GMO?  What, if anything, was it sprayed with, and when?  Is non-organic local meat from small farms really any better than the feed lot stuff in the store?  Joel Salatin tells us local foods cost more since most small farmers are working without subsidies from the government, and he's got a good point there, but sometimes you have to buy what you can afford.  This is an issue.

My $24 pot roast from last week is my favorite recent example.  No, we don't usually buy $24 cuts of meat.  We don't have that kind of money.  Usually, we buy cheaper cuts (like the ground beef, bacon, or sausage that our local farmer sells for $7-8 a pound, and in 1 pound package), just because it's what we can afford, but every now and again, I enjoy a good roast, and last week, we bought one.  It was good.  It tasted way better than anything from the store, and the fact that it came from a steer that was raised just up the road, free to roam on pasture for his whole life, made me feel ok to eat it, unlike meat from the store, which makes me feel guilty because I know more than I want to about factory farming.  Even so, the fact is that that same size of roast could have been bought at Publix for maybe $12-15, yet it cost me $24 from my local farmer.  There are a lot of people who can't afford a $24 cut of meat no matter how hard they scrimp and save in other areas.  In that same Joel Salatin article, he said that for most people, clean eating is simply a matter of priorities, and for many, that may be true, but for some, it's not.  For some, the only priority is getting enough food on the table to feed their family, on their stressed budget, because in case you hadn't heard, the economy kind of sucks lately.  This is what keeps factory farming in business.  People have to eat, and a lot of them don't have a ton of money to spend on it these days.

I love food.  I really do.  Who doesn't, right?  It's just become exhausting lately, though.  It seems like the list of foods we should not eat grows every day, and that nothing is what it appears anymore.  Food should be simple.  It should be delicious, raised right, and not make us sick.  I'm not sure how we accomplish that in today's world, but I am sure that we need to.

Guilt, shame, cultural sea change, and stuff

The talk about the controversial Time Magazine cover continues. It's totally apparent now that they hit a central nerve in our country's parenting culture. As an attachment parenting mom to babies (ok, one of them is a preschooler) who also has one foot in the school age world, I have many thoughts.

I do not consider myself a militant AP'er.  It took me years to come to really realize that I am an AP mom.  I've always followed most principles of AP, but it's only been in recent years that I learned it had a name, and really started to go with my gut instinct, which lead me to be very solidly AP.  I understand why some people aren't AP.  When you're young, or single, or totally frazzled, the idea that not only are you going to have this baby and attempt to breastfeed it, but you will also sleep with it and wear it in a sling, sounds like a recipe for a Prozac prescription, and for many people, it probably would be.  I'd never condemn someone for not being perfectly AP.  I have no trouble understanding why someone may not want to cosleep, and as long as they don't let their baby cry it out, I've got no problem with that.  I understand how hard breastfeeding is (do I ever understand this!) and I understand that some people don't succeed at it, despite the best support, accurate information, and Herculean effort.  While I have a hard time not judging those who don't even try, I understand how failure happens, and I don't judge those who gave it their best shot and ended up with bottles anyway.  I also totally understand how people would not want to babywear.  Before I had good carriers to use, I hated it, too.  It isn't comfortable if all you have is a front pack carrier like a Baby Bjorn, or a really crappy sling, and these things are all I had until a year and a half ago.  When I bought an Ergo, it changed my life.  A lot of people don't ever buy an Ergo, or any good carrier, and some just don't like babywearing even if they do have one.  It's ok.  I don't judge people who push strollers.  In fact, you might see me pushing one from time to time... a Raven Black double Valco, to be exact.  I say these things to attempt to exonerate myself from the stereotype of the AP mom as a judgmental bitch who doesn't accept people who do things differently than her.  I have taken the three major premises of attachment parenting (breastfeeding, bed sharing, and babywearing) and told you that I understand how you may differ from me on them.  Remember this.  You're going to need it.

Now I will copy a quote from a friend of mine, a fellow AP mom, which pretty accurately describes how the past few days have been for many of us in the community.

"I'm fixing to completely "unplug". Every non ap parent I know, and some who aren't parents at all have messaged, texted, called and FB me, acting like I belong to the Taliban. Even my mom! I'm fixing to give everyone a spoon so they can eat it."

Mind you, this woman is incredibly sweet and I have never heard her say a judgmental thing about anyone.  She is not a militant AP'er.  She's a lot like me, minus the fact that she came to these ideas with her first kid.  People are treating her like straight up garbage just for being AP, for nursing her son past a year, for being strong in her choices even though they differ from the mainstream.  This is happening.  It is real.  No, we didn't bring it on ourselves.  Most of us do attempt to educate, and correct misinformation when we see it (like people who believe LOTS of women can't breastfeed, when, in reality, 97% of the female population is physically capable of breastfeeding), but most of us also make an effort to do this kindly, and we don't deserve to be treated like we belong to the Taliban over it. (She couldn't have chosen better wording for it.)

I'm tired of being told that by being honest about the benefits of breastfeeding, or more accurately, the risks of formula feeding, that we are making formula feeding moms feel guilty.  I am tired of being told that by discussing the benefits of attachment parenting, that we are making mainstream parents feel guilty.  If factual information makes you feel guilty, you need to examine your reasons for making the choice that you made.  

I'll give you a great example right out of my own cache.  I formula fed Erin.  I tried to breastfeed her.  It lasted about a week.  Then a lactation consultant gave me a bottle of formula to give her so my nipples, which looked like hamburger meat by then, could have a break for a couple hours.  I never nursed her again after that, because the ability to feed her without pain was so liberating that my life almost felt bearable at that point, which it hadn't since the moment she was born.  I'd never considered formula feeding before that.  I didn't really know anyone who bottle fed.  It wasn't a normal thing to me.  As far as I was aware, babies nursed, and that was that.  I had never been told it was ok to bottle feed, or that not breastfeeding was an option.  I still ended up formula feeding, and you know, I don't feel guilty for it at all.  At that point in my life, it was the right answer.  I had a choice to make.  I could tough through and nurse Erin, and resent her so much I would probably never forgive her for it, or I could formula feed her, and be mostly ok with what my life had become. I have never felt one ounce of guilt over choosing the latter.


Orren was a different story.  I also had lots of difficulty with breastfeeding him, and at Thak's insistence, I stopped when he was just a week or so old.  I will never forget the last time I nursed Orren.  We were laying in bed, and the sun was shining through the window.  It was a Sunday, and it was warm even though it was January.  I was wearing a grey slip and he was wearing a blue onesie with fish on it, and I knew it was the last time I would nurse him.  It was excruciatingly painful, but I still clung to it, because I knew it was right to breastfeed him, that that was how he was supposed to eat.  On some level, I knew I could make it work, but all Thak saw was that I was in tremendous pain, and completely exhausted, and he made the command decision that we'd be switching to formula.  I felt terrible about it every day, and when our pediatrician told me I needed to re-lactate and get away from formula, I jumped at the chance.  I went to my midwife that day for herbs to help with the process, and she even was able to help me hand express a few drops of milk (which we, of course, gave to Orren on our fingertips!) and then I had Thak take me to Target for a good pump.  He felt awful, and bought me the most expensive pump there, but I'm glad he did.  I did manage to produce a little bit of milk for Orren.  Even though he never latched on again, he did receive a little bit of breastmilk every day of his life for a few months.  I felt awful about giving him formula, because I knew it was wrong.

Do you see the difference between the two situations?  The only thing that differed was how I felt about my decision.  Nobody made me feel guilty about giving Orren formula.  Guilt comes from within.  It is what you feel when you know you didn't do your best, or when you know society or someone else got the best of you.  It is what happens when you know you could have done better, and for some reason, you didn't.  I've been there.  I know where it comes from.  It doesn't come from accurate information, or people who have done what you know you should have done.  It comes from you.  Only when people really understand this can we do away with the biggest hurdle we have to the change that is on the horizon.  The "don't make them feel guilty" quip that is inevitable whenever someone talks about something that is best practice, is holding our society back.  "We" do not make "them" feel guilty.  "They" make "them" feel guilty, and they need to deal with that within themselves and get right with whatever it is they did so that we can move forward.


I do believe we are on the edge of something big.  I think our society is changing.  Time Magazine picked us AP'ers a fight we didn't want, but ultimately, we are a disproportionately intelligent and well educated lot (consult the statistics.  It's a fact.) and we see that this is really an advantage, because even though it's a jungle out there right now, Jamie Lynn Grumet's picture on the cover of Time is doing more to normalize breastfeeding (public breastfeeding, full term breastfeeding, ANY breastfeeding) than a thousand La Leche League posters and all the "Every Ounce Counts" billboards on the highway in El Paso, combined.  Time reaches a way broader audience than the typical outlets for this information, and the image is provocative and cutting edge, and it gives people a strong and visceral reaction.  While my reaction is more "You go girl!", and society's reaction is more, "That's disgusting!" we are all reacting, and it is a good thing.


Ghandi said, "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."  From where I sit, it looks like the 90's were the ignoring phase.  Dr. Sears published The Baby Book in 1992, and the AP community was small and easily ignored until recent years.  I have seen the laughing before, too.  Time brought us to the fighting.  Next comes the win.  We're right there.  We're on the verge of something big.  Our culture is changing.  People are railing against it right now, but change is inevitable.  We are a small community, but growing by the day!  I hear so many moms who seem really mainstream when I first meet them, say they're going to nurse as long as their babies want to.  I see them every time I go to La Leche League.  I see them every time I go to an AP group playdate or babywearing meeting.  These aren't hippies.  These are suburban yuppy housewives, the wives of Company Commanders and business men. Change is here, and society absolutely will warm to it given time.  I fully believe that by the time my kids have kids, the AAP will have joined the world's other medical associations in recommending two years of breastfeeding as a minimum, and that at any given park in the US, nobody will bat an eye to see a toddler nursing.  We're creating the change now, and it isn't pretty yet, but it will be.

Wow, Time Magazine. Thank you for picking us a fight.

Really, Time Magazine?  Because those of us who practice Attachment Parenting (AP) don't catch enough crap from the rest of the world as it is, we really needed you to pick us a fight.  Yes we did.  This feature had such potential.  Actually, I knew about this weeks ago, because a friend of mine submitted photos when they asked for moms to possibly pose for this shoot. After the reaction this has gotten, I'm glad they didn't choose her.




To be clear, I have absolutely no problem with the fact that that child is nursing, and I have absolutely no problem with seeing it in public, on a magazine cover, in a restaurant, wherever.  I am 110% in support of full term breastfeeding, yes, even in public.  Most of the comments being made about this disgust me.  There's nothing like a really sensationalist article and picture about something as divisive as parenting methods, to flush out the idiots in droves.  I'm having a really hard time being even remotely coherent here because some of the things that I have read and heard today about this have really been just, mean, bad, wrong, misguided, shitty... Choose your word. Any will work.  The reaction of society to this article, which supposedly flings the doors open on the AP movement, is the opposite of a warm fuzzy as far as I can tell.

I take issue with the fact that so many people think they can let their own personal preferences and discomforts dictate what should or should not be done or seen in public.  And might I add, Americans, you are pretty much all hypocrites.  Put a giant pair of boobs on an ad for jeans, or beer, or breast cancer research, and everyone loves it.  Attach a baby, a toddler, or god forbid a preschooler, to one of those boobs, and it's all of a sudden disgusting.  You've got to be kidding me.  Listen to yourselves.  You call this deviant, sick, wrong, yet look at the billboards you pass on the freeway on your way home.  You see more skin than this, and it is DELIBERATELY sexy for the express purpose of selling you something.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that.  I don't see the human body as anything particularly incendiary. I think we need to apply equal protection to this.  If it's ok to show boobs to sell beer, it's ok to show boobs to feed babies, or toddlers, or preschoolers.

I also really dislike the way people are putting an arbitrary age limit on it.  Everyone thinks they know what age is appropriate to breastfeed in public, and which isn't, but really, there is NO hard and fast rule.  None.  Some people might never be comfortable seeing a baby nurse in public.  I cannot even tell you how many dirty looks I got in Savannah for nursing in public when Orren was a week old, and again when Chai was 9 months. I notice, as Chai approaches his first birthday, the dirty looks, and implications that I should be weaning him, come more and more frequently.  Why?  He's still a baby.  He can't even walk yet.  He only has four teeth.  He babbles and smiles and giggles like a baby.  If I weaned him now, he wouldn't understand.  All he would know is that his main source of comfort for his entire life, is gone.  The entire premise of attachment parenting is to avoid that kind of shock to the system.  I honestly don't care if you or anyone else is comfortable seeing it or not.  If my baby needs comfort, or is hungry or thirsty, I'm going to tend to his needs.  He comes first.  This was true when he was a day old.  It's true now at a year old.  It'll be true as long as we continue to nurse.  Do I see us going as long as the mom and son on the Time cover? Honestly, no, but that's not the point.  The point is, it's not wrong for a mom to tend to her child's needs, and society has absolutely no right to attempt to dictate on the propriety or impropriety of that.

I also had a real laugh about the fact that it seems to be a widespread thought that AP families do the things we do for the good of us, the parents, rather than the good of the babies.  Are you kidding me?  Don't you think it would be easier to formula feed, and let someone else feed the baby from time to time?  Don't you think it would be easier to sleep train the baby and make him conform to our schedule?  Don't you think it would be easier to use the various "baby container" devices that exist, instead of wearing the baby on our backs as we go about our day?  Don't you think Thak and I might like to have our bed to ourselves for a whole night, just once? AP is NOT for the faint of heart, and it's NOT easy.  We do this because it's best for the baby, because this is what our primal instincts tell us to do, because it's biologically appropriate.  It's definitely not for our benefit.  It's exhausting sometimes.  That's not to say I don't want to be AP.  Thak and I are AP because we believe in it.  We see how well it works.  We see how outgoing and independent Orren is becoming, and how sweet Chai is, and we know that they are confident in their attachment to us.  We see no compelling reason to use the practices that have become mainstream when there are simpler primal practices that work just as well.  We answer our babies' cries.  We tend to their needs as they happen.  We don't make them fit our schedule.  How in the world would anyone actually think we're doing this for our own benefit?  It's exhausting.  It's totally worth it, but it's exhausting.

I think the thing I take issue with the most is the headline on the magazine cover. "Are you mom enough?"  I get what they're getting at.  It's that constant pressure within the AP movement to be even more so, to do more, to be the AP'est AP'er in all of AP land.  There's always that person who's just a little more AP than you, and seems to rub your nose in it in your darkest hour (whether that's real or perceived, who knows).  That's where the doubt comes from.  Am I mom enough?  Susie Johnson never even CONSIDERED weaning her son until he was 4, but here I am at 11 months feeling mighty touched out and having a hard week because my kid just learned how to bite.  Am I mom enough?  I am feeling cramped in a Full size bed with sometimes as many as 2 kids, but Jane Doe cosleeps full time with quadruplets.   There's always that pressure, and it's at least as much internal as it is external.

The problem is, that's not what mainstream society is taking from this wording.  They think they're saying that AP'ers are "mom enough", and mainstream parents are not.  While I may agree with that somewhat on a personal level, a national publication isn't the place.  We really didn't need that line drawn any deeper in the sand than it already is.  I am not, and will never be, one who claims that all parenting methods are created equal.  They're not.  While it isn't black and white, it's nowhere near as idiot-proof as a lot of the mainstream ones would have us believe.  You definitely can screw this up, even though that's not as easy to do as some of us lead ourselves to believe.  What I am saying is that we really don't need the national news media to egg this conflict on by painting AP'ers as crazy and obsessive people who think we're superior (Asking if you're mom enough and all...)  Honestly, we're not doing this to make someone else feel inferior, and that allegation is common enough that it just really needs to stop.

Time Magazine had a great opportunity here to show real AP families, even on the more radical fringe of our community, for the everyday people that they are.  I think that would do more for people in general than any of this other stuff.  We're so divided into camps that we hardly see each other as human anymore.  I know people see me as homebirthing-breastfeeding-cosleeping-babywearing-extended rearfacing-minimally vaccinating-cloth diapering-intactivist-organic food mommy, but really, behind all that, I'm Anna.  I drink Sam Adams after the kids go to bed, and I like to belly dance, and I think at least half of my in-laws are at least a little bit crazy.  I'm just a person, kind of like you, and kind of like that mainstream mommy down the street whose parenting methods make me cringe.  I think if we saw each other as people, and were less entrenched in these parenting camps, that would probably do more good than anything else.  Time Magazine had a chance to show the human side of AP families, and they didn't.  I think that disappointed me more than anything else.

One year... of milkies

Coming up on Chai's first birthday, it is a little surreal that we are still breastfeeding.  It's not that I didn't want to breastfeed for this long, or that I even consider it a particularly long time in general.  I know it's not a long time compared to a lot of places around the world, and I have always known it was important to breastfeed for at least this long.  Theoretically, I've also known how to do it, and exactly why.  It's just, in spite of all my preparation and general knowledge on the subject, I haven't made it this long before.  Breastfeeding is very difficult, and a lot of the common advice has proven to be total garbage for me.  Yes, it can absolutely be painful, even if you're doing it right. (That may be my biggest annoyance.  "If it hurts, it's because you have a bad latch."  No.  It was excruciating for me at first, even with a perfect latch.)  I fought through a lot to get to this point, and sometimes I'm still fighting, although the battles are less now.  In spite of all this, I will never ever regret one minute I spent breastfeeding.  It has been the most amazing thing, and the benefits are so obvious.

Making it to a year feels like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  Now, if there were any reason I had to quit breastfeeding, Chai would be ok.  He could drink almond milk, and be totally fine.  Even if I didn't have to quit breastfeeding, but I did have to leave Chai with Thak for an afternoon or something, feeding him wouldn't be an issue, even though we have no milk in the freezer.  He could give him solid foods and almond milk, and I could nurse him when I got home.

I could wean now if I wanted to.  I won't say it hasn't crossed my mind.  I'm not going to, though.  My reasons for not weaning yet are simple.  More than anything, Chai is still a baby, and he still needs his milkies.  The health benefits are substantial in the second year of life.  While he would be fine without it, he's better with it.  The other thing is, it makes my life easier in some ways.  When he gets hurt or upset, he always wants to nurse.  It's the quickest and easiest way to comfort him when he falls down, or big brother snatches his toy away.  I don't know how else I would comfort him since he's so used to nursing for comfort.  I don't know how else I would get him to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night other than to nurse him.  Basically, I do not know how I would wean him right now, which tells me that he is not ready yet.

Here's to a year of breastfeeding, and another year to come.  I never thought i would make it to this point, but I did, and the accomplishment feels even better than I had imagined.

One year.

I'm a few days early with this, but I don't ever know when I'll have time to do this since I share this computer with the rest of the family, so I'm taking opportunity as it presents itself.  This week, we will hit one year that Thak has been out of the Army.  Wow.  What a year it has been.

What seemed like a great opportunity at BMW quickly showed itself to be anything but.  We're still not sure how anyone makes a living as a mechanic, without living in their parents' basement for their entire lives, but some people do.  We couldn't afford to stick around long enough to figure out the how and why of that for ourselves.  Thak loved his job at BMW, and hung on for as long as possible, but it was never going to work out.  By the time he got the job he has now, I had seen and done things that I never had imagined would ever happen to me.  There was a lot that was surprising about all this, and a lot that wasn't.

I never knew what it was like to have utilities shut off, face the possibility of losing my house every month, and stress daily about if I'd have enough gas to get my kid to and from school, and about putting food on the table.  I never thought I would have to eat the horrible foods that WIC gives, that these things would make the difference between having something to eat and going hungry.  I never knew that I would at some point be green with envy every time some friend mentioned going grocery shopping, because I could not afford groceries. 

One thing I didn't anticipate was how out of touch friends become when you lose your position in life.  When I was an NCO's wife, I had friends who were also NCOs' wives.  We were peers.  We had similar lives.  Then my husband decided he didn't want to do that anymore, and all of a sudden, my friends didn't understand me at all.  It's not that they're bad people.  They just plain didn't get it.  In a lot of ways, they still don't.  They're still good people, and they still don't get it.  It's just the way it is.  They know it, I know it, and we all accept it.  I just remember once, confiding in a friend that I didn't know how I was going to put food on the table that week, and she starts going through the Albertson's sale ad she'd gotten in the mail that day.  "Look, Anna!  Shrimp are only $5 a pound!" she said.  I just cried.  She thought I had $5, far less $5 to blow on something like shrimp.  Didn't she know $5 will buy 4 bags of beans, which stretch a lot farther than a pound of shrimp?  Well, no, she didn't know.  She thought she was helping.  That moment in the kitchen of my friend's duplex on post, showed me more clearly than anything, the disconnect that exists between military and civilian these days.  It's not malicious.  It's just pervasive.

Even more surprising than that, I'd say, is the way people treat you when you're poor.  There's this prevailing idea that poor people are stupid, or did something wrong to get that way, or something like that.  Everyone treats you like garbage.  That's the part I really didn't see coming.  I remember the first time our electricity got turned off.  The power company guy was at our door, and I was calling Thak (we still had phones at that point) to ask him what I should do.  He wasn't answering, because Thak has a tendency to assume that whatever I'm calling about can wait.  The power company guy is just standing there going, "Well, your bill wasn't paid. You need to pay it." and I didn't even know what to say.  I told him my husband had just gotten out of the Army, and was working at BMW, and not making much, and that we were doing our best.  Of course, that does nothing.  I just wanted him to know we weren't scum, and this isn't the way we do things in this family.  He walked around the side of the house, and turned our electricity off as I held 4-month-old Chai, and Erin and Orren watched.  On the way to BMW, I called a friend because I was so freaked out.  She suggested I beat Thak's ass and make him pay. (Yes, because that'll surely cause him to flag more hours...)  I arrived at BMW, and Thak called the power company.  They were total jerks to him, but did tell him how we could get our power back on.  We scrounged up the money (it was the last of our savings), and then sat in the dark until they came and turned our electricity back on.  By that time, we'd lost everything in the freezer, including 80 ounces of pumped breastmilk, and nearly a month's worth of food.  Anyone I told about that reminded me that it was my own fault for not paying the bill.

People assume that if you're going through hard times financially, that it's because you were stupid with your money, never because there's just simply not enough money.  We weren't stupid with our money when Thak was working at BMW.  I didn't even go visit friends much because I needed the gas it would take, to get Erin to school.  Sometimes me and the boys would spend the whole day on the same side of town as Erin's school just to conserve gas.  We lived on beans and rice, and whatever we could manage to make grow in that desert heat (mostly squash and peppers).  We weren't stupid with our money.  There just wasn't enough coming in.  We built a great life when Thak was in the Army, and then we had to watch it come crashing down when he got out.  Was this our fault?  Well, it was his, in a way, for refusing to continue with his career.  There was nothing I could do about that, though.  He left me no choice.  That is a risk every wife takes, like it or not.  It won't happen to some, and it will happen to others.  Just because it happened to me doesn't mean I'm stupid or irresponsible.

Really, it could happen to anyone.  With the downsizing of the Army, he may have been forced out anyway, being in an over strength MOS, and having a knee injury that does not respond to treatment.  It would have been better than this, of course.  The involuntary separation pay he would have received under those circumstances could have sustained our family for over a year. But for many people, it wouldn't be like that.  Soldiers who haven't served long don't get those big separation pays.  Soldiers who aren't injured don't get VA benefits (we're still working on it).  Anyone could find themselves in our situation.  It doesn't take being stupid. 

Things are getting better.  Thak's current job pays more than most jobs here in the US do these days.  Of course, it's still drastically less than he was bringing home in the Army (think of about a $12k a year pay cut, and that's about what it looks like.  It's actually not that big a pay cut.  It's just because we have to pay for benefits now, which we received for free in the Army.)  One thing you do learn in circumstances like these, is what is a necessity and what is not.  I'll never forget when we got our apartment, a military wife I know asked, "2 BR's really isn't much for a family of five.  Are you sure it's enough?"  I just shook my head at how out of touch with reality she really is.  In this economy, many people are not in a position to worry about if two bedrooms are enough.  It's more like, "Is it in decent condition, enough to be safe?  Is it in a safe neighborhood?  Can I afford it?"  If yes to all of the above, game on.  Did I ever see myself living this way?  No. Not even in my imagination did I ever see this happening, but it did happen, so we have to just do our best with it.

The last remnants of our old life remain in the form of our car payments, but once those are gone, and it won't be long, things will be a lot better.  We're making it work.  It isn't easy, but we're doing it.  The hardest part has been the way people treated us.  That's the hard part.  Beans and rice taste like shit after that's all you've eaten for months, and feeding your kids food that you know is full of pesticides and GMO's is hard to do with a clear conscience, but even that stuff is easier than being treated like trash because you don't have much money.  That was the truly shocking part.  People assume you're stupid, irresponsible, and all kinds of bad things.  Nobody ever thinks that you might just be a regular person, who is going through a difficult time.  I found that strange mostly because all I hear about on the news is how unemployment rates are through the roof, the stock market is down, foreclosures are up, and people are struggling.  If that is the case, then why is there still such stigma attached to it?  Why is there still the assumption that if you don't have enough money for some bill, it's because you blew it at the casino or on booze, when really, you spent it on gas to get your kid to school, or food for your family, or a copay at the doctor's office for your sick kid?

I guess the real lessons for this year are to never assume things about people.  Things aren't always what they appear, especially these days. Also, never pass up an opportunity to help if you can.  I can't tell you how much it would have meant to me if that friend, instead of shoving a sale ad in my face, would have opened her pantry and given me a box of pasta, or a can of tomatoes, or anything.  I don't fault her, but I did learn, don't ever pass up an opportunity to help someone.  It may make a bigger difference than you can imagine.  I also learned that necessities aren't always what you think they are.  Having lived in the military community for so long, I thought that at least a 3 BR house for a family my size was an absolute must, and that a 3-year-old boy and an 8-year-old girl could never share a room.  Well, here we are, making it work in a 2 BR apartment.  Who'd have thought all it took was some bunk beds?  It's a lot more painless than I had imagined.  You just never know.

It's been a tough year, probably the toughest one of our lives, my life anyway.  I do think things will get a lot better, and they already are.  We're going to be fine.  Although it didn't look that way for a while, and we're not quite out of the woods yet, we are going to be fine.

Do people just talk anymore? I kind of miss that.

I distinctly remember that there was a day when people could say something without being bombarded with advice they never asked for and don't need.  It used to be totally possible to talk about what was going on in your life without every single person making up some ingenious plan for how you needed to react to your surroundings.  I think social media is to blame.  I think our interactions with one another have changed due to the impersonal nature of a majority of our conversations.  People, listen to yourselves.  This is getting ridiculous. 

Let's look through the past couple months alone.  If I were to follow the group consensus of my friends' completely unsolicited advice to my simply talking about my day from time to time (generally when asked, "How was your day, Anna?"), I would have done these things:

-Lived in Rincon.  A girl who lived in this area for two months when she was 15 insisted that I absolutely needed to live in Rincon, and spammed me with Craigslist postings for houses in Rincon, most of which I couldn't afford, every day for weeks. (Never mind I lived here for five years, recently, know that Rincon is an hour and a half from where Thak works, and told her as much.)

-Lived on Tibet Avenue.  Another friend, this one with an affinity for Google, thought a tiny 2 BR 1 BA apartment in the ghetto was exactly what I needed, since it was, after all, in my price range, and pushed relentlessly until I lied and told her I checked it out and it was already leased, just to shut her up.

-Given away $5000 worth of tools and my spare refrigerator on Freecycle.

-Made myself the most hated parent in all of Bryan County Schools.  Yes, it is the group consensus that I need to call a meeting with the principal of the school that my kid will attend for another 2.5 weeks, and insist on an immediate change to policy regarding junk food requests, and allowing younger siblings at school events.  Now, while I agree that the way this school operates is bullshit (hence telling friends about it in the first place), I really need people to apply some common sense, and realize that maybe, just maybe, I have enough battles to fight in my life, that I'm not looking for a fight I cannot possibly win.  Two weeks left in the year, and I'm supposed to take on the school board for their great injustices?  I cannot believe there actually exist people who think that sounds like a good idea.

-Made my kid a complete social outcast.  Being that I won't take on the school administration on their policies, I DEFINITELY need to make it clear to the teacher that my kid is NOT allowed to eat the shit that all the other kids are eating, and pack her a box of fruit to eat instead. 

-I also need a meeting with my neighbors over the loud gospel music on Sundays, and the occasional loud TV.  Are you kidding me?  I'm lucky as hell that these people haven't driven us out with torches and pitchforks yet!  We're the neighbors from hell and I know it!  We have 5 people and 3 animals in a 2 BR apartment.  There is not one moment of my day (and not many moments of my night) where somebody isn't crying, screaming, or fussing, and if they're not, then I'm probably yelling at somebody or the dog is barking.  Even when you take the noise out of the equation, there is the fact that our backyard looks like an episode of Hoarders.  To say I have no bargaining chips is to make a giant understatement.  I'm a realist.  About the time we try to ask anything of our neighbors here, they'll laugh in our faces, and rightfully so.  Not to mention, they're really not bad.  I had awful neighbors on post when I lived there, I mean, people who almost burned our building down, people who the cops looking for them, swingers, and one guy who beat his wife every day.  What we have now is pretty much the best case scenario, and in the name of not being a complete spoiled brat, I'm going to just deal when they're getting their Jesus on, or enjoying Oprah on surround sound.

Seriously, people, it's not that serious.  If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that as long as you've got food on your table and a roof over your head, things are pretty much ok.  There's no use in picking fights every time the world doesn't perfectly bend to your whims.  Save that for what really matters, and what you can change (like idiot speech teachers who say a kid who obviously needs speech, does not), and above all else, seriously, people... make just one assumption for me.  Assume that others are capable of making their own decisions and running their own lives, and stop with the unsolicited advice.  I make it a point not to do that to you.  Stop doing it to me.