You don't have to understand it.

Most of our friends are military. Most are lifers. That's just what you find when you look at people who are generally in their 30's, and are in the military. Most people don't really get out after that point until they retire. It's just the way things usually go. Thak, of course, went a different way, and I, of course, support him in that.

Since he has gotten out, life has not been easy. His job, which we expected to be about a 50% pay cut from what he was making Active Duty, has turned out to be about a 75% pay cut. We were prepared for 50%. 75% is a lot harder, to say the least. We have had to scramble really hard. We're working on something new so that we may not have to scramble so hard anymore, but nothing is a sure deal at this point. (Yes, I'm being vague. When I have real details, I will share them, providing they're good.)

A lot of interesting things have come of these past few months of lean times. These are not things I had anticipated, and they are not things I think anyone can truly understand unless they, too, have been in such a position. I think a lot of people have been in this position before, though, in one way or another. There's a lot of clarity that comes of having a lot, and then in a very short time, having only a little compared to what you used to have. The thing I really learned from this is how much we all get bogged down in the details when we have a lot of extras, and how much we no longer appreciate what really matters.

We no longer have cable, so our TV really never comes on. Sometimes we watch movies or shows that Thak bought from the Iraqis during his 3rd tour, because he has a whole hard drive full of them, but it's somewhat rare that we do that, and even then, we decide as a family what we want to watch, and then watch together. Yesterday, for example, Thak wanted to share some of his favorite anime with the kids, so we did that. Turns out the show Kenshin is pretty good! It's about a soldier who turns his back on war... a lot like Thak. That's why Thak likes it so much. Most importantly, when we're not all watching something on the computer, there is no TV just blaring all day long, as Thak would say, "for background noise". (I hate that. I've been wanting to discontinue the cable for years because I hate the "background noise".) The kids also don't hound us to buy them things from commercials, so it's less stress.

We read more books. Not only is there no more TV to occupy our time all day long, leaving more time and attention for books, but everything we do is way across the desert from our house. It's 18 miles each way to Erin's school or dance studio. Even in a small, fuel-efficient car like mine, those trips really add up, so we minimize them. On Fridays, instead of going home after picking Erin up from school, we go to the library that's just a couple miles from her school, she changes into her dance clothes there, and then we read books until it's time to drop her off at the dance studio. That saves 36 miles of driving, and roughly $4 worth of gas. Not to mention, the kids are loving that extra hour of reading time. They just bring books off the shelves, and I read to them and nurse Chai. Everybody's happy, and it doesn't cost us a dime. I'm thinking of minimizing the expenditure even further by figuring out something to do with the boys on that side of town while Erin's in dance so that I can save 36 MORE miles of driving, by just waiting over there for those three hours rather than coming home and then going back. This week, I'll probably take them to the park that's by the library, and let them play there. Again, we all win. $4 saved for me and Thak, and more outside play time for the boys. This whole "no money" thing has some real silver linings to it!

We just appreciate stuff more, you know? We can't afford to go out to eat, so what we can make here is what we have. Last night, I made a pizza with bacon, chile peppers from our garden, and monterey jack cheese. On the side, we had squash from our garden. It was so simple, but everybody loved it. Even picky eater Erin had two helpings and cleaned her plate. Nobody even cared that the crust turned out a little funny because I was out of white flour, and it was 100% whole wheat (I usually do 50% whole wheat). Thak actually said the crust tasted BETTER to him! When you have less, you have more appreciation for what you do have.

Some have questioned why we keep Erin in dance, and in her charter school across town, when we are struggling with money. Surely we could save a lot if we just sold my car, put her in the public school that's walking distance from our house, and eliminated the dance studio tuition each month. My thing is this, though. We are prioritizing. It is a priority for Erin to be in the best school, and to pursue dance. Believe it or not, dance has helped her academically. Erin is learning disabled, which means that her brain doesn't work quite like everybody else's. She's missing some connections in there somewhere, and has to find a way to work around that so she can read and write like other kids her age. Dance has actually been shown to help kids like Erin, who have auditory and visual processing disorders, to make the necessary connections within their brains, to learn how to learn in their own way. It's made a world of difference to her. I honestly believe that the amazing progress she's made in the past year, has been partially due to dance, and the majority due to the school she goes to. We cannot take these things away from her if we are at all able to find a way to keep them. It's too important. If that means we live on beans because the dance studio fees come out of my grocery money, then we will eat beans, and be glad to have them.

One thing I've been really surprised about is when I've told certain friends about our situation, like at times when it's gotten so hard it seemed impossible to figure out a way to do what we needed, a common suggestion is that I leave Thak, after all, it's his fault that we're in this position. True, Thak's decisions got us here. If he'd been one of those guys who loved the Army, I could have loved it with him, because I love what Thak loves, and I want for Thak what he wants for himself. If he had stayed in, he'd probably be a Sergeant First Class right now, about to leave for Wardak, Afghanistan next week (because that's what his old unit is doing). We could have done it, sure, but that's just not who Thak is, and I respect that. I support what Thak is doing for us, even if it has not gone smoothly. I am surely not going to leave him because we're no longer as well off as we were. I remember that our vows said, "in plenty and in poverty". Why say it if you don't mean it? Thak has enough to think about right now. Why should he have to worry about his wife and kids going away, too. That is just disgraceful. We're going to get through this by working as a team, and finding a way together. Jumping ship is simply not an option.

We choose to be ok with what we have. We choose to make do with a little, and try to learn what there is to be learned from this. Buddha taught about the value of struggle, and we now know first hand things we could once only understand on a theoretical level. Every day, we have a choice. We can wish for what was or what could be, or we can do great things with what we have. We choose to do with what we have, and try our best to do great things with it. You don't have to understand that. I didn't before this either.

Pssst! Look to your left!

Right there, in the sidebar! Look! Do you see what I see?? Yup, that's a new breastfeeding achievement ribbon! We have now made it three months breastfeeding. This is 12 times as long as I have ever made it before, and I am so proud and happy that we have done it this time. Three times is the charm, I suppose!

This also means that I am halfway to my initial breastfeeding goal of six months. Now, I feel great about it. Even though Chai is still nursing pretty much constantly, I know we will make six months, and probably far longer. I don't see us stopping before about 2 years, honestly, unless he wants to. I'm in no rush to wean. I feel great, it's gotten so easy, plus my boobs look amazing. (No, really... I'm going to buy some just like this when I finish nursing... just as soon as I hit the lottery. They're amazing, exactly the size I always wanted, a perfect 34B.)

I still notice a big difference in Chai compared to Erin and Orren at comparable age. He never spits up. He has literally spit up twice in his life, and both times, it was after being fed formula, when he was very young. He literally never spits up. He sleeps amazingly well, straight through the night every night (which is why I'm pumping right now, at this exact moment. I pump at midnight every night so Chai's great sleeping doesn't hurt my supply.)

So yes, I still think this is GREAT! I am so glad I stuck it out this time, and wish I had the other two times... well, at least with Orren, not so much Erin. But with Chai, I know that I finally WILL succeed. No shoulda, coulda, woulda. We are three months in, and doing fabulously.

Petty, I know.

Some girl just said her ring is a lot like mine, then showed it to me. I was a little insulted. Her ring was really ugly, and nothing like mine. Mine is a half carat marquise solitaire, colorless, and nearly flawless. Thak nailed my preferences perfectly when he chose it. He knew I'd want a smaller yet more perfect stone, than a larger one which may not be of as high of quality, because he knows I prefer a solitaire, with a stone perfect enough to stand on its own, and not need ten thousand accent stones to make it pop. If you're gonna do it, do it right. I waited six years for that ring. It is perfect. People wish they had rings like mine. (Relax. I'm joking.)

I kinda didn't even know what to say when this girl said her ring was just like mine. I mean, the stone wasn't even the same shape, the band looked nothing like mine, and hers wasn't a solitaire. HOW exactly is that just like mine? I didn't really say anything, because shit, it was NOTHING like my ring. I just kinda nodded. I'm annoyed.

Then again, I also am aware that I have way different taste in rings than most people, so most people probably would think this girl's ring was divine and mine is too simple, or not cool at all, or whatnot. I'm ok with that. I like yellow gold rather than white. I think white gold looks like shit with diamonds, but most people love it. I don't. I like marquise diamonds, which practically nobody in my generation cares for at all. They're all into princess cut, which I think looks horrible, and even a little bit manly in some cases. So I know my ring isn't the pinnacle of awesome to most of society, and that's ok. I guess the idea here is that tastes vary a lot... and don't compare your ring to other people's unless it's really just alike! Ha!

The vaccine debate.

I haven't taken Chai to the pediatrician yet. It was because we didn't have him on our insurance and couldn't afford to get a copy of his birth certificate plus the time Thak would have to take off work to go and actually get him registered in the Army's system (it cost us about $50 total in paying for the birth certificate, plus the time Thak lost at work), so it took us a while to be able to come up with that. We do have him registered in there now, but I haven't taken him in yet mostly because I'm not sure what I want to do for a vaccination schedule.

Vaccines are a hot topic. I do some of them, not all, but some. I don't think they are inherently bad, nor inherently good. I think a great many of them are more harmful than the disease they prevent (Chicken pox is a good example.) I'm not going to inject harmful chemicals into myself or my children unless it is to prevent a disease that is truly catastrophic. I see no need to vaccinate against common childhood illnesses that leave no lasting harm.

If you do no more research on vaccinations, please click the link below and just look at the chart. It shows the vaccine schedule in 1983 right next to the vaccine schedule in 2010. Yes, I may have gotten all my shots as a child growing up in the 80's, but it is a whole different ballgame for our kids today. I'm not injecting all that crap into my kids! You must be crazy!

Click here to see chart. Really. Do it. It's insane.

Hardcore homebirth?

Bring Birth Home is a cool blog that I discovered when I was planning my homebirth. They published this article today. It's titled, "You're a Hardcore Home Birther When..." and I enjoyed it! Anyone who has ever homebirthed will surely get a laugh out of it. It also made me think.

I will start by saying I am not a hardcore homebirther. I didn't have my first baby at home. In fact, it wasn't until my third baby that I was to the point of homebirthing. I didn't eat my placenta. I thought about encapsulating it and taking it as a supplement, but I don't know how, and nobody here offers that service, so it became fertilizer for my squash plants. I didn't catch my own baby. In reality, I was nearly blacking out from the pain of birthing a 10 pound baby with shoulder dystocia, and needed every bit of help my midwives were able to give me. I didn't watch my own children while I labored. There is really nothing spectacular about my homebirth by homebirth standards. Even the fact that Chai was over 10 pounds and had shoulder dystocia and a nuchal hand (in English: his shoulders got stuck, and his hand was by his face) is not anything particularly noteworthy in the homebirth community. Women birth larger babies, with harder complications, and do it in finer form than I did, every single day.

By my standards, though, my homebirth was spectacular. It was a long road to get to that point, and I worked hard for it. It wasn't my easiest birth. It was probably my hardest. It was definitely my most painful and most complicated. My homebirth is a great example of how homebirth is safer than hospital birth for healthy women and full term babies. If we'd been in a hospital, I'd have been cut open, and Chai and I both would have faced 4x the odds of death that we would normally face. On the off chance that we avoided a c-section, they would have given me a massive episiotomy, pulled Chai out with forceps, and broken one of his shoulders to dislodge it. This is standard procedure in hospitals for shoulder dystocia. The safest environment for me and Chai was our own home. My homebirth taught me that the World Health Organization wrote their homebirth statistics based on people just like me, and that they were right. My homebirth also reaffirmed my belief that evolution refined us perfectly to do exactly what we need to do, and that nature is no fool. If we can grow it, we can birth it. After my homebirth, I have no question in my mind on that.

I may not be a hardcore homebirther. Homebirth, for me, was more a final stop on a nearly decade-long journey, than a long journey in and of itself. Never the less, Chai's birth is among my proudest accomplishments. I take any opportunity to tell people he was born at home, when they comment on how big and strong he is, or anything like that. I don't WANT people to assume he was a c-section baby just because he was 10 pounds at birth. No! I did it! I grew him big and strong, and I brought him earthside with the help of two good midwives and my husband, NOT some doctor with a scalpel. I want the world to know it can be done, and that it isn't scary. I was never once afraid during Chai's birth. I was in pain, yes. At times, I was tired. I definitely got frustrated for a while. I was never afraid, though. It wasn't scary. I don't know what to say when people tell me I'm brave for homebirthing, and for continuing at home through the complications we had. I don't feel brave. I followed my gut instinct on what I needed to do. I knew that home was the only place I could give Chai the birth he deserved. I knew it on some level going in. I knew I would have that baby at home. It was never a question. It wasn't brave. It wasn't hardcore. It was just... right. Homebirth is right, and amazing, and wonderful. It doesn't have to be hardcore to be awesome. I'm not a hardcore homebirther, and that's ok.

Are we really making that much progress?

Ooooh boy. The circ topic came up again yesterday, and I was reminded of something I have been thinking for a while. All the activist groups like to point to the statistic that in 2009, only 32.5% of boys born in the US that year were circumcised at birth. That sounds AMAZING. It sounds like American parents have really seen the light, like we're going the way of Australia (which used to have a sky high circ rate much like us, but now is well under 10%).

The problem is, that statistic, like many statistics, does not tell the whole story. It only takes into account circumcisions performed in hospitals before the baby is discharged a couple days after he is born. It does not take into account the circs performed in pediatricians' offices, or anything at all to do with births that do not occur in hospitals. Now, while the non-hospital births would skew it in a favorable direction (We non-hospital types are really not the type to cut our babies. By Alyson's account, pretty much none of her clients do that. She could recount ONE in the past 20 years who did.) the other thing that wasn't considered throws it off wildly in the other direction. There is a massive trend in this country toward doing the circumcision at 2 weeks of age in the pediatrician's office, and every time the topic comes up in conversation (and it often does when you have boys) those who have opted out are always in the minority, and I mean by a long shot. It's still pretty much assumed among parents that if you have a boy, you had him circ'd.

This leads me to one definite conclusion. There is A LOT of work to do before we can legitimately claim that circ rates are falling as much as the statistics would indicate. The vast majority of American parents are still clinging to antiquated ideas about this subject. They think it's cleaner, that their son will be made fun of in the locker room if they don't get it done, that he'll face a life of constant infections, face a higher STD risk, and that no decent girl would ever have anything to do with him. In reality, of course, the truth is, soap and water makes things clean, not surgery; Nobody would ever comment on another guy's goods in the locker room; Girls ALWAYS face a higher risk of infection than any subset of boys, intact or otherwise; Condoms, not surgery, prevent STD's; and honestly, if some girl turned my sons away because they're not circumcised, then she is not the kind of girl who is worth their time in the first place. This is the truth, of course, but the majority of American parents are under the delusion of "tradition", or bad advice from pediatricians, who, by the way, will be paid roughly $400 for the 10 minutes of their time it takes to do this procedure, and then turn around and sell your son's amputated foreskin to a cosmetics company for roughly $50 more. Really?? First of all, why take the advice of someone who's lining their pockets on the basis of your decision, and secondly, do you REALLY want a piece of your baby going into Oprah's face cream? (Yes, Oprah uses face cream that contains cells from human foreskins.) I sure as hell do not.

The common question, when someone speaks out about this stuff is, "Why do you care what I do with my kid?" Well, because this practice is cruel, and unnecessary, and frankly, a bit of a human rights violation. (Seriously. Cosmetic surgery on somebody who can't consent. What else can we call it?) Additionally, I have two sons. This issue is personal to me. The thought of having either of my boys strapped to a board while a doctor cuts off a piece of them literally turns my stomach. What's more, a lot of people, myself included, believe that this practice has continued because people don't talk about it much, and when they do, they make wishy-washy statements like "You do what's best for your kids." and stuff like that. No. That has got to end. The fact is, a lot of people in the US, including me, would not know the truth about this issue if someone hadn't had the nerve to tell us what was up at some point. If you ask the parents of any given non-Jewish circumcised boy why they did it, in at least 80% of cases, they'll tell you they didn't even question it, that it's just what you do with little boys. As someone who used to think that at one point in time, I can tell you that is a very ignorant and uninformed line of thought. That answer might as well be rephrased, "I have done absolutely no research and know nothing about this subject." because that is what it really comes down to.

Since so many people do this unquestioningly, the only way that will change is if people who know the truth aren't afraid to say something about it when the subject comes up. Let people know that they are not sentencing their boy to a life of hell by leaving this choice up to him. Let them know that most of the world's male population is intact, and has no problems. Tell them that the US is the only industrialized nation besides Israel with a circ rate over 10%, and ask them why they think that is. Make people think. A lot of times, it takes them out of their comfort zone, and sometimes people get ugly about it because they have never been asked to apply real logic to this topic, but only when those of us who are walking with our eyes open, are willing to help others open their eyes, too, will we legitimately be able to claim the drastic improvement the statistics hint at. Be calm, be civil, and choose words carefully, but when this subject comes up in conversation, be honest.

Recipes of the week.

We got rain in El Paso this week! A lot of rain! I mean, it wasn't a ton all at one time, but it rained pretty much every night for a while. It was awesome. Of course, our gardens loved it, and not a moment too soon. We lost everything in our big freezer when a circuit breaker tripped, and our pantry is looking a little bleak by now, so we really need our gardens to sustain us as much as possible right now, and the rain has insured that they can do that.

In fact, one of our squashes grew a little TOO well, and was too big to eat just by itself, so I made squash bread! Our supply of sugar ran out a while ago, so I've had to venture into baking with honey, since we still have a bit of that left. I looked online for a recipe for zucchini bread sweetened only with honey, and I found this one. Of course, I used a yellow squash instead of zucchini, but it's really the same idea. I also used half whole wheat flour, and didn't add any vanilla extract since we're out of that. It turned out absolutely delicious! Erin may or may not be willing to eat it, but I know Orren will, and me and Thak definitely will.

I was particularly glad to find this recipe since we've got plenty of honey and plenty of squash, and I need the calories since baby Chai is soon to be exclusively breastfed. We only need to bring my supply up by 4 ounces a day to get to that point, and we have decided to change our WIC package to "exclusively breastfeeding" rather than what we're getting now, which is "mostly breastfeeding". That will get us more cheese, 30 ounces a month of tuna, and more juice. (We are already receiving the maximum fruit and veggie allowance.) It's going to be really great to have, but I have to eat a lot to make sure I make enough milk for baby Chai without the availability of formula to supplement. I know I can, since cans of formula have been lasting forever lately since we're hardly using it at all anymore, but having high calorie foods like the squash bread really helps a lot in making sure I can keep that up.

The other recipe of the day is what we had for dinner tonight. Holy crap this stuff is delicious. Koshari is an Egyptian street food, and probably the most filling and delicious, not to mention dirt cheap, vegan dinner ever created. I use basically this recipe. The only differences are that I only used one onion, I added a handful of parsley from our garden (chopped up finely), some coriander and cumin, and also added more red pepper than it calls for. I like it spicy. Orren eats the hell out of it. Erin ate all hers, but grudgingly, but we don't take her opinion of foods very seriously. She doesn't like anything we feed her. Thak had seconds and would have had thirds if there had been any, but me and Orren also had two helpings. Koshari may be the most delicious thing I have eaten in days aside from the squash bread.

On the up side to being very poor right now, we eat mostly very healthy foods, pretty much all vegetarian, and I'd say at least 80% vegan. I feel AMAZING, and am within five pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, which is a record. It's taken me four months to get back to pre-pregnancy weight after my first and second births, so to be this close at less than three months is amazing. It's got to be the food. We don't eat junk food because we can't afford it. We don't even eat meat because we can't afford it. We eat what our garden provides us with, and what we can make cheaply, which is all bean and rice based dishes. With beans, rice, a well stocked spice shelf, and a garden, we have enough to eat, and it's really good stuff, too. This week, we will eat fresh veggies every day because the rain kicked our gardens into overdrive! I will also make pesto tomorrow because our basil plants are big enough for that! That will be a treat because the kids really love pesto, and so do Thak and I. We are waiting patiently for our summer squash to get big enough to pick, because then we will have squash casserole, baked squash, and all kinds of other delicious things. I will post more about the creative ways we find to use our bumper crop of squash! We are so glad to have it!

Brake pads and chicken won't fix this.

I'm not good with difficult situations. I never have been. I don't know what to say to people when they have a death in the family, or when they get divorced, or come down with some illness. Everything one could say seems hollow, so I usually say nothing, which is at least as bad.

Today is different. In an hour or so, we will welcome one of our Ft Bliss families home. They had been in Arizona for a few months because their daughter was undergoing treatment for a rare heart defect. Yesterday, about this time of day, she lost the fight. She was just a month older than Chai. The family (mom, dad, 5-year-old brother, and 4-year-old sister) is coming back here to pack up, and then driving cross country tomorrow, because they're going to have the baby's funeral in their hometown.

Today I got a message from my friend (the mom of this baby) asking if Thak can get the car ready for the trip. The brakes are bad, so he'll have to replace them, of course, and otherwise, just make sure it's good to go. Of course it was no question that Thak will fix the car. That's a given. I answered her before even calling Thak to let him know, and then called him to tell him we were going over to their house after he got off work, and that he would need to do some brakes and a general inspection. Of course he was all about it when he heard who it was for.

Then I did what every southern woman on the planet would do. I went through my freezer and pantry, and figured out what would be a good meal to cook. This family will be just coming off a long road trip, and almost 4 months of living in Ronald McDonald House. A home cooked meal is what they need the most. I made a big batch of chicken and rice, and packed it up in a disposable casserole dish. When Chai's done nursing, I'm going to make some cookies, too.

New brakes and food will not fix this, but for being of the "bad with words" persuasion, I feel a bit fortunate to be in the position to actually DO something, as small and inconsequential as it may be in the grand scheme of things.

Attachment Parenting, and what comes of it

Someone asked me yesterday at what age I begin letting my kids cry themselves to sleep. "Sleep training", she called it. She was shocked when I said never. I have never let my kids cry it out. Not once. None of them. "But if they don't learn to self soothe, they'll grow up clingy and whiny!" she asserted. I pointed to Erin, who might as well have been running for mayor as she made her way around the playground. "Doesn't look very clingy or whiny to me." I said. "In fact, that same kid didn't shed a single tear on her first day of school, and I'm pretty sure she has never met a stranger."

I wager that the fact that Erin was never just left to cry by herself as a baby is some part of what made her so confident and outgoing. Sure, a lot of it is just her personality, but being raised the way she was surely didn't hurt the situation. Think about it. Doesn't it make sense? She's confident around people because she believes that people are generally good. She believes that because she has always had her needs met, and been acknowledged when she had needs, even when she was very small and couldn't tell us in words what her needs were (and when she was bigger and still couldn't tell us because she was speech delayed).

I wonder where this idea comes from that if you acknowledge your baby's needs, that you're going to create some kind of permanent baby monster. It's so untrue. If you look at babies in other societies around the world, where what we call attachment parenting is just considered parenting, because that's how they do things as a matter of routine, you see that yes, babies stay babies longer than they do here in the US (for example, in Mongolia, it is not uncommon to see a 3-year-old who is breastfed, whereas that is very rare, and even frowned upon, here) but it's not a forever thing. People in those societies grow up and become productive members of society just like everybody else. Yes, that baby in Africa or some remote part of the Amazon Rain Forest, who is worn in a wrap or sling 24/7, nursed on demand for years, and almost never has reason to cry, far less cry it out, will grow up to do grown up things in due time, just like the average American baby who is left to cry and spends the majority of its day in a plastic bucket seat with a propped bottle. There does not exist a single society on the planet where babies stay babies forever.

It seems to me that American parents of my generation (and maybe past generations, too, but I can only speak for mine.) are obsessed with convenience and hurrying things along to the next step. I can understand how people may fall into that type of thinking, especially with their first child, because they don't know just how temporary all of the hard times are, but logically, it still doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you think about it. People think that attachment parenting is just spoiling kids, not disciplining them, and creating brats, but that's not true. It's really the opposite. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved and kind my kids are. It is probably because they have not had their basic human impulses squelched from an early age, and they know that they are heard, so they're not frustrated. Because they're not frustrated, they're easy to deal with most of the time.

Thak and I believe that being heard is a human need, and we extrapolate that from the principles of attachment parenting. All people need to be heard, and to know that somebody understands what they're saying and is on their side. Ever had one of those days when it seems like the entire world is against you, and everybody you meet is a major jerk, and just not on the same wavelength as you are? That's what it's probably like for babies and toddlers every day of their lives if they live in one of those really authoritarian households where they have to cry it out, suck it up, and do things at the convenience of the adults in their lives. Sure, it's hard when a toddler pitches fits a lot, and just absolutely won't do what you need him to do (I have a toddler, so I know that some fits are inevitable.) but a lot of tantrums can be avoided by just hearing the kid out before it starts. Tantrums are frustration boiling over, and kids who are heard and acknowledged aren't nearly as frustrated as kids who are squelched at every turn.

As far as discipline goes, we don't spank. It's ineffective, and may or may not teach kids how to be violent. I got spanked when I was a kid, and I'm not a violent person, so I'm not really all that sold on the hard and fast link between the two, but I believe it may result in that in some cases, so I say that it may or may not, because it is case by case. Anyhow, just because we don't spank our kids, or use any punitive discipline with young kids, doesn't mean we're breeding undisciplined brats. In fact, our kids are some of the most disciplined in our entire neighborhood. The reason is because it doesn't take a bigger hammer with most kids. It takes consistency. If you say, "We don't hit" and then don't enforce it with consistent redirection, then it's not going to do anything. If you say, "We don't hit" and then physically remove the kid from the situation where he was hitting, and do it EVERY TIME he tries to hit, he will learn not to hit. Nothing punitive is necessary. Straight up attachment parenting positive discipline works great for most kids when applied consistently. As far as older kids, sure, things have to have consequences, but if there's one thing I learned in the Army, it's that the punishment always has to fit the crime. A soldier with a messy barracks room is going to clean something. A soldier who loses his gear is going to carry a heavy pack with him everywhere he goes for a week. The same goes for kids. An 8-year-old who goes outside her boundaries will be grounded. An 8-year-old who won't eat what she is served will go without snacks. Consequences of actions are generally nonviolent, and really get the point across. When stuff makes sense to the kid, you usually don't have the same problem twice (at least not in a short period of time). My attachment parented kids are not undisciplined brats. Actually, they're the kind of kids everyone wants their kids to make friends with. They're nice to everybody, respect others, and obey rules when the rules are clear.

It comes down to something really basic. Those of us who practice attachment parenting, just like the parents in other societies around the world where these practices are commonplace, acknowledge our kids as full fledged human beings. This results in a lot of good, and really not much inconvenience at all when you really think about what goes into it. I see increasingly that our society is beginning to view kids as second class citizens (think of the restaurant that recently made headlines by banning all kids under the age of six, and the proposal of an airline to offer childfree flights). Can we really blame our society, though, when it begins at home, sometimes as early as a month or two after birth, when the mom gets it in her head that her brand new little baby needs to learn to soothe him/herself, and that crying it out does no harm? When we are taught by mainstream media and even our pediatricians, that it's ok to treat our own perfect little babies in such a subhuman way, then it should come as no surprise that our society has followed suit by beginning to ban those same children from its establishments, because they're just too inconvenient to deal with.

As for me and Thak, we'll keep AP'ing, because frankly, it makes great kids, and the older they get, the more apparent it is. In the wee hours of the morning, I nursed Chai while Thak rocked Orren who had woken up upset from a bad dream, then we all settled down for one last hour of sleep together before Thak went off to work and the boys and I went for a run. After our run, I put Chai into the sling so he could nurse some more while I made some biscuits for me, Erin, and Orren to eat for breakfast. Erin read books to Orren, who giggled happily, and then came into the kitchen to inform me that we need to go to Walmart and buy juice. ("Mommy. Need buy juice. Go Walmart.") After breakfast, Erin ran out the door to play with her friends for the rest of the day, coming in when she got into a spat with the other girls in the neighborhood, and to get my take on the situation. That is what an AP'd kid does at that age. They have a strong attachment to their parents, and know that they can come to us when something is wrong, but also have the confidence to sort it out themselves if that's the answer. No overly clingy, whiny, bratty, permanent babies here.

The scarlet "H"

Homebirth is apparently a bit of a scarlet letter. It never really occurred to me that it would be that way, but it kind of has turned out like that. Everyone already knows how we were unable to register Chai with the Army in order for him to be insured, because they wouldn't take Alyson's documents or his social security card as ID for him. Since he's a baby, his ID had to be either a birth certificate, some form that hospitals give people, or a hospital crib card. (Do you know what a hospital crib card is? It's literally a card that says your last name, the baby's gender, its birth date, and maybe its weight. Then they stick it on the baby tupperware that hospital-born babies sleep in. Seriously, they will accept that as ID, but not a homebirth midwife's paperwork, which actually contains more info.)

Anyhow, we had to wait until he was 6 weeks to be able to get his birth certificate because that's how long it takes for it to be ready. That's pretty standard issue. Well by that time, we didn't have the money to pay for it and couldn't afford for Thak to take off work to go on post to register Chai in the system, so we had to wait. Last night, our travel pay from last month's Dallas trip FINALLY came through, so this morning I was able to go get Chai's birth certificate.

Anywhere in the world, the court house is a bit of a pain to go to. El Paso, like the majority of border towns, is a little extra special. Add in the other givens, that parking downtown is always a pain, and you will walk at least a mile to where you're going, and that toddlers like to pitch fits and Orren is better at it than most. Now you see what my morning is like. Finally I found a parking space, put Chai in the Ergo, put Orren on my back, piggyback style, because he wouldn't walk, fought through the hoards of people outside the Mexican Consulate, was nearly run over by a few Juarez cabs (You've got to figure, the courthouse is maybe half a mile from the downtown border crossing.) and FINALLY made it to the courthouse. The line wasn't bad, and we were called up within five minutes. We didn't know there was a paper we had to fill out, so we got kicked back, went and filled out the paper, and got back in line. That's when I saw the sign. "Homebirthers only seen between the hours of 8 and 11 am." Wow. What time is it? 10:30. Phew!

So I got back up to the counter, and on the form, one of the lines asks for birth location. I, of course, put home. They looked at me like I was nutty in the head when they saw that, which I actually did not expect, because I figured they must see quite a lot of homebirthers if they have a sign about it, and designated hours during which they're willing to deal with us. Obviously there are enough of us that this was necessary, right? That's not the feeling I got when I got up to the counter. So basically, they asked for a bunch of info, and asked if I had registered Chai's birth with the county. I said no, that we were attended by a Texas Licensed Midwife, and that she had taken care of our paperwork for us. They were about to just send us away empty handed, but hearing that our midwife had submitted the paperwork, they looked in another computer, and found that indeed, Chai does have a state birth certificate in Austin, but he does not have a county or city birth certificate because Austin has apparently glitched on sending the stuff here for that to happen. The county and the city will not handle homebirth certificates until the stuff comes from the state. This differs somehow from what they do for hospital births.

Anyhow, as they were about to tell me I needed to request Chai's birth certificate to be mailed from Austin (and who knows how long that would take!!) I mentioned that we need a birth certificate for him so we can register him with the Army so he can have health insurance and see the pediatrician. A supervisor was called in, and he told us that we could have a short form birth certificate (it basically just says Chai's name, date of birth, that he's a boy, me and Thak's names, and that he was born in El Paso) but assured me that the Army will accept that. Mission (probably) accomplished! We'll see on Thursday when we try again to register Chai with the Army, if they look at us like we're nutty because our kid's birth certificate is different than the others they generally see.

I seriously am starting to think that when Chai graduates high school, everyone else is going to get a diploma, but they'll give him a piece of scrap paper with, "Chaiyo was here, but he gets this instead of a diploma since he was born at home." written in crayon or something.

Jasmine rice and potatoes

A friend of mine writes for an Asian men's magazine, and is putting together a piece on marriage between Asian men and white women. He asked me some questions pertaining to that, and an interesting thing occurred to me. Most of all, I realized that I really don't know shit about Asian male, white female dynamics in general, and might even believe that there isn't really that much of a unique dynamic for that type of relationship in general.

Me and Thak are somewhat of an anomaly these days. For one, I got married really young compared to most people of my generation. The average bride in 2004, the year Thak and I got married, was 26. I was 22. Adding to that, Thak was in the Army, and because of that, we didn't even get to live together until we'd been married 6 months, and even that was a temporary condition. He left 2 weeks after our wedding for 6 months of training in Arizona. Then just three months later, he deployed to Iraq for a second time, and was there for a year. When he got home from that one, the first words he said to me were, "I go back in August." (yes, before even hello or anything else), but they called for a troop surge, and he went back a lot sooner than that, for 15 months that time. We never really got to be newlyweds. We know nothing about what that's like. We didn't get to really get used to each other's ways while setting up our home together, and sorting things out as a couple. We had a war to deal with whether we liked it or not (and we didn't like it a bit!) Our marriage stayed on the back burner for the first five years it existed because those are the circumstances our country gave us. Consequently, we do know a bit about PTSD, Bronze Star Medals, troop surges, SpaWAR phone cards, AAFES, the USO, Gulf Catering, convoys, Blackhawk flights, what not to wear to homecoming ceremonies, and how the VA deals with non-combat-related injuries. But I'm betting all that's got nothing to do with the Asian male white female dynamic. War doesn't care what color you are, where you come from, or who you're married to.

Don't get me wrong. I'd be lying if I said there weren't adjustments to some of the things Thak does, and yes, some of the things he does, he does because he's Thai.

He eats weird stuff, but after a while, you just get used to it. You either learn to like the stuff, too, or you come to an understanding about it. After five years of always going for Thai food every time we got the chance to go out, I finally said I was sick of it, and after that, we only go for Thai food half the time that we go out (of course, that's never these days, but when we could still afford meals out). I have also learned not to watch too closely when Thak eats chicken, or anything else with a bone in it, because while I know that marrow is good for you, I cannot stand watching anyone eat it. I also had to draw the line at fish sauce. Yes, my Thai mother-in-law is probably rolling over in her grave as I type this because fish sauce is a staple of all things Thai, but frankly, I don't like it. Therefore, when we eat Thai food, we do some with and some without. The kids get to choose. Sometimes they like mine, sometimes his. Of course, to be fair, I eat stuff he thinks is weird, too. He has come to love grits, but still doesn't really care for potatoes. We all make concessions.

Otherwise, that thing they say about Asian men not lifting a finger around the house is not always true, but it is very true in our case. Thak does not cook. He will not clean. He rarely takes out the trash. It's not because he's a jerk, or because he's lazy, or because he's trying to stick it to me. It's because that's the way he was raised. Thai women do EVERYTHING around the house, not like a lot of American women these days, who are used to sharing household chores to some extent. Thak just finds it abnormal if I ask him to do something around the house because his mom would not have done that, so I really don't ask it of him. Consider it an application of the common (and good!) advice to pick one's battles. If I waited for Thak to do chores around here, I'd be waiting the rest of my life, and it's not worth it. At the same time, he makes the concession that I am not one of these domestic wizard wives who can somehow manage to nurse a baby all day long, and still maintain a spotless house, and have dinner on the table by 6. If I'm nursing his son all day long (which I generally am. In fact, I am right now!) dinner will not be on the table at 6, and the house is probably going to look like a bomb went off in it thanks to Erin and Orren. I do not know how some women do it all, with no help, but I do know that I'm not them, and he just has to accept that. Our house will look nice, and meals will be more predictably timed, when Chai gets a little older.

Because people always ask about this, yes, we have also faced some degree of discrimination from people with antiquated ideals. I've had girls take it upon themselves to ask me "if it's true what they say about Asian men" (to which I always reply, "That they don't wear shoes in the house? Yes, it's true." even though I know that's NOT what they're asking!) I've had to correct about a million people who think the terms "oriental" and "chinaman" are acceptable. Rarely, I've had to bring it to someone's attention that my husband is not a "gook". I've also had to bite my tongue when people say they "don't believe in interracial relationships". But honestly, that stuff is pretty minimal. We've gotten a lot more of people telling us how beautiful our kids are, or even single friends telling me they hope to find a husband as hardworking, honest, and kind as Thak is.

Now really, think about the things above. Who does not deal with those same things in some form or another? Every couple has to sort out food preferences, division of labor, and correct misconceptions about each other to random people along the way. Everyone is raised differently, and so every couple has differences. It's really easy to pin the differences on race when you look at a couple like me and Thak, and some of the specifics are attributable to where he comes from in relation to where I come from, but this stuff is really not that unique, and it doesn't happen because he's Thai and I'm white. It happens because it happens to everybody in some way.

We're actually ridiculously normal. We go through the same stuff as anyone else, with a few additions. Aside from our front row seats to Dubya's war, we've moved a lot, seen good times and extremely bad times when it comes to money, had some babies, taken some road trips, had a child diagnosed with learning disabilities, fought like cats and dogs, and loved stronger than either of us knew possible. Did you ever go through any of that stuff, too? I'm betting you have. Then we're really not so different.

Therefore, I can't really give any insight into what makes an Asian male white female marriage, because it's the same stuff that makes any other marriage. We're just regular people with funny names, living the dream since 2004.

Dogs for karma?

Today when Thak was leaving for work, he found two puppies under my car. He put food and water out there for them, then came back in and told me to take them to the backyard when I had time. I hoped I had dreamed it, and that there really weren't two puppies under my car. What were we going to do with two more animals, when we already are so strapped for cash, and already have two pets to worry about?

When I got up, I went out to the car, and sure enough, there were two puppies under there. Shit. I put them in the backyard, and set up a play yard thing so that they wouldn't be loose with Frank just in case they have any kind of illness that he could catch. While I was setting that up, one of the puppies disappeared, so I just put the one of them in there.

Thak called and asked if I had put the puppies in the backyard yet, and I told him that I had. He said he is almost sure that this is a test for us, that we have a real opportunity here to put out good energy and maybe get some good energy back, and that it's good for our karma to do the right thing for these dogs. I know he's right.

No, we can't keep them, and I don't know that I'd want to even if we could. Three dogs would be a lot, and these appear to be some type of hound, so they're probably going to be big. We really can't let them stay here. I had to think hard about what to do. El Paso has such a huge pet problem that dogs brought to animal control only get a day to be adopted before they're euthanized. Those are not good odds. Taking them there has to be a last resort. I took some pictures of the one I was able to pen up, and posted them online. Turns out a friend of a friend is looking for a dog, and might be willing to take him. They may be coming by today to have a look. If they don't take him, I'll put him on craigslist and see how that goes.

**THIS JUST IN**

I just got a text from the friend whose roomie was considering the dog. They're on their way to come get him!!!

All's well that ends well. This dog has found a home. Thank goodness!

Etsy, and me!

I took my Etsy shop live tonight. I've only got 6 items in there right now. I'm going to get a bunch more stuff done this weekend and posted. Thak's got drill, so, well, I'm gonna sew. I need to sell a bunch of stuff this week in order to pay for Erin's dance lessons this month.

I'll share the URL on here once I get it more stocked.

Really, El Paso?

This city is such crap sometimes. It really is. I'm always reminded of it when well meaning friends who live somewhere far from here jovially tell me to look on Craigslist for whatever I'm wanting at that given moment. Yeah, I'm sure they always have that stuff on your city's Craigslist. You don't live in El Paso, though. I do, and El Paso's Craigslist sucks.

I was reminded of El Paso's suckish nature in another, somewhat related, way just yesterday. I called the kids' consignment shop to ask what they were taking in consignments right now, because I've got a ton of stuff I need to consign. I have all my maternity clothes, everything of the boys' up to size 6 months, and a few pieces of baby gear that I don't use. Everything's in awesome condition, so I don't want to just Goodwill it. I tried posting it on a site that's basically like a military craigslist, and that went horribly. (Some stupid bitch wanted me to sell almost brand new, name brand, 3-piece outfits for $1 each. Get lost! Oh, and everyone wanted to know if the maternity clothes were a size XL when the ad clearly stated that they're sizes Small and X-Small. Facepalm.) I'm afraid to have a yardsale here. So basically, I need to consign this stuff. It's the only way.

When I called the consignment shop, they told me that they weren't taking any consignments right now, and might be closing before the month is out. Really, El Paso? You can't even sustain a consignment shop? This city has so many low income families, one would think that consignment would be the most booming business around. After all, who can afford to pay new prices for all the clothes that the very large families so common in this city would need? One would think there would be a consignment shop on every corner! But no, they can't even sustain one, in a city this big. Nope, not one consignment can survive here, but there's a Fallas Peredes (the Latino version of Family Dollar) everywhere you look. What the hell is wrong with this picture? Yes, let's have a marked preference for crappily made new goods that will end up in the landfill within a year's time, versus excellent condition used goods of far better quality. It's so backward the way they do things here.

Come on, El Paso, get with the times! Consignment is the best!

Baby Chai's popsicles.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!! This not the first time I'm breastfeeding during this week, but it is the first time I'm succeeding at it. (This time 8 years ago, Erin was just days old, and I had just about come to the end of my rope with trying to nurse her.) Sooo... since this is actually my first GOOD World Breastfeeding Week, it's a good time to talk about breastfeeding!

Since Chai sleeps through the night, I pump at midnight every night so that my milk supply does not diminish. I wanted to store the milk so that if I have to leave Chai for an appointment or an errand, he won't automatically have to receive formula during that time, but I didn't want to use the milk storage bags because they're expensive, and the milk trays were also really expensive, so I did something else. I used a regular ice cube tray (the cubes are an ounce each) and then I doubled up a couple of ziplocs. Breastmilk storage bags are thicker than freezer bags, so I figured using two of the freezer bags would create the same effect. Plus, it's really easy now. You just take the number of cubes you need, defrost them in a bottle, and can get an exact amount for a feeding. Less possibility of wasting it.

This is the end result. This is about a week's worth of pumping at midnight and freezing, roughly 20 ounces of milk for Chai! I like the look of that!

Hey, Tricare. Pay for my homebirth!

We got all the necessary documents from Alyson, and today I began my insurance claim with Tricare, to get them to reimburse us as much as possible for our homebirth. Now, most people will tell you this can't be done. I believe it can. The #1 reason I believe it can be done is because Alyson has had other clients accomplish it, and she knows how to do the documentation of the charges in such a way that Tricare understands it, and will pay on it. The #2 reason is because other insurance companies that claim they do not cover homebirth, have been persuaded to reimburse for it by much the same methods we are using with Tricare right now. Go us.

I made a copy of the billing documents to send. I filled out DD form 2642. I'm ready to send it all in, and see where it goes from there. Step 1: Accomplished. Let's see how this goes.

I'm going to post updates here on the process of getting reimbursement for our homebirth so that other military homebirth moms who stumble upon it (or whom I direct to it, because I get asked about this stuff a billion times a week), can look through and see how we did what we did and how it worked for us, so they have something to go off of when they file their own claims.