Me and Thak are somewhat of an anomaly these days. For one, I got married really young compared to most people of my generation. The average bride in 2004, the year Thak and I got married, was 26. I was 22. Adding to that, Thak was in the Army, and because of that, we didn't even get to live together until we'd been married 6 months, and even that was a temporary condition. He left 2 weeks after our wedding for 6 months of training in Arizona. Then just three months later, he deployed to Iraq for a second time, and was there for a year. When he got home from that one, the first words he said to me were, "I go back in August." (yes, before even hello or anything else), but they called for a troop surge, and he went back a lot sooner than that, for 15 months that time. We never really got to be newlyweds. We know nothing about what that's like. We didn't get to really get used to each other's ways while setting up our home together, and sorting things out as a couple. We had a war to deal with whether we liked it or not (and we didn't like it a bit!) Our marriage stayed on the back burner for the first five years it existed because those are the circumstances our country gave us. Consequently, we do know a bit about PTSD, Bronze Star Medals, troop surges, SpaWAR phone cards, AAFES, the USO, Gulf Catering, convoys, Blackhawk flights, what not to wear to homecoming ceremonies, and how the VA deals with non-combat-related injuries. But I'm betting all that's got nothing to do with the Asian male white female dynamic. War doesn't care what color you are, where you come from, or who you're married to.
Don't get me wrong. I'd be lying if I said there weren't adjustments to some of the things Thak does, and yes, some of the things he does, he does because he's Thai.
He eats weird stuff, but after a while, you just get used to it. You either learn to like the stuff, too, or you come to an understanding about it. After five years of always going for Thai food every time we got the chance to go out, I finally said I was sick of it, and after that, we only go for Thai food half the time that we go out (of course, that's never these days, but when we could still afford meals out). I have also learned not to watch too closely when Thak eats chicken, or anything else with a bone in it, because while I know that marrow is good for you, I cannot stand watching anyone eat it. I also had to draw the line at fish sauce. Yes, my Thai mother-in-law is probably rolling over in her grave as I type this because fish sauce is a staple of all things Thai, but frankly, I don't like it. Therefore, when we eat Thai food, we do some with and some without. The kids get to choose. Sometimes they like mine, sometimes his. Of course, to be fair, I eat stuff he thinks is weird, too. He has come to love grits, but still doesn't really care for potatoes. We all make concessions.
Otherwise, that thing they say about Asian men not lifting a finger around the house is not always true, but it is very true in our case. Thak does not cook. He will not clean. He rarely takes out the trash. It's not because he's a jerk, or because he's lazy, or because he's trying to stick it to me. It's because that's the way he was raised. Thai women do EVERYTHING around the house, not like a lot of American women these days, who are used to sharing household chores to some extent. Thak just finds it abnormal if I ask him to do something around the house because his mom would not have done that, so I really don't ask it of him. Consider it an application of the common (and good!) advice to pick one's battles. If I waited for Thak to do chores around here, I'd be waiting the rest of my life, and it's not worth it. At the same time, he makes the concession that I am not one of these domestic wizard wives who can somehow manage to nurse a baby all day long, and still maintain a spotless house, and have dinner on the table by 6. If I'm nursing his son all day long (which I generally am. In fact, I am right now!) dinner will not be on the table at 6, and the house is probably going to look like a bomb went off in it thanks to Erin and Orren. I do not know how some women do it all, with no help, but I do know that I'm not them, and he just has to accept that. Our house will look nice, and meals will be more predictably timed, when Chai gets a little older.
Because people always ask about this, yes, we have also faced some degree of discrimination from people with antiquated ideals. I've had girls take it upon themselves to ask me "if it's true what they say about Asian men" (to which I always reply, "That they don't wear shoes in the house? Yes, it's true." even though I know that's NOT what they're asking!) I've had to correct about a million people who think the terms "oriental" and "chinaman" are acceptable. Rarely, I've had to bring it to someone's attention that my husband is not a "gook". I've also had to bite my tongue when people say they "don't believe in interracial relationships". But honestly, that stuff is pretty minimal. We've gotten a lot more of people telling us how beautiful our kids are, or even single friends telling me they hope to find a husband as hardworking, honest, and kind as Thak is.
Now really, think about the things above. Who does not deal with those same things in some form or another? Every couple has to sort out food preferences, division of labor, and correct misconceptions about each other to random people along the way. Everyone is raised differently, and so every couple has differences. It's really easy to pin the differences on race when you look at a couple like me and Thak, and some of the specifics are attributable to where he comes from in relation to where I come from, but this stuff is really not that unique, and it doesn't happen because he's Thai and I'm white. It happens because it happens to everybody in some way.
We're actually ridiculously normal. We go through the same stuff as anyone else, with a few additions. Aside from our front row seats to Dubya's war, we've moved a lot, seen good times and extremely bad times when it comes to money, had some babies, taken some road trips, had a child diagnosed with learning disabilities, fought like cats and dogs, and loved stronger than either of us knew possible. Did you ever go through any of that stuff, too? I'm betting you have. Then we're really not so different.
Therefore, I can't really give any insight into what makes an Asian male white female marriage, because it's the same stuff that makes any other marriage. We're just regular people with funny names, living the dream since 2004.
No comments:
Post a Comment