Attachment Parenting, and what comes of it

Someone asked me yesterday at what age I begin letting my kids cry themselves to sleep. "Sleep training", she called it. She was shocked when I said never. I have never let my kids cry it out. Not once. None of them. "But if they don't learn to self soothe, they'll grow up clingy and whiny!" she asserted. I pointed to Erin, who might as well have been running for mayor as she made her way around the playground. "Doesn't look very clingy or whiny to me." I said. "In fact, that same kid didn't shed a single tear on her first day of school, and I'm pretty sure she has never met a stranger."

I wager that the fact that Erin was never just left to cry by herself as a baby is some part of what made her so confident and outgoing. Sure, a lot of it is just her personality, but being raised the way she was surely didn't hurt the situation. Think about it. Doesn't it make sense? She's confident around people because she believes that people are generally good. She believes that because she has always had her needs met, and been acknowledged when she had needs, even when she was very small and couldn't tell us in words what her needs were (and when she was bigger and still couldn't tell us because she was speech delayed).

I wonder where this idea comes from that if you acknowledge your baby's needs, that you're going to create some kind of permanent baby monster. It's so untrue. If you look at babies in other societies around the world, where what we call attachment parenting is just considered parenting, because that's how they do things as a matter of routine, you see that yes, babies stay babies longer than they do here in the US (for example, in Mongolia, it is not uncommon to see a 3-year-old who is breastfed, whereas that is very rare, and even frowned upon, here) but it's not a forever thing. People in those societies grow up and become productive members of society just like everybody else. Yes, that baby in Africa or some remote part of the Amazon Rain Forest, who is worn in a wrap or sling 24/7, nursed on demand for years, and almost never has reason to cry, far less cry it out, will grow up to do grown up things in due time, just like the average American baby who is left to cry and spends the majority of its day in a plastic bucket seat with a propped bottle. There does not exist a single society on the planet where babies stay babies forever.

It seems to me that American parents of my generation (and maybe past generations, too, but I can only speak for mine.) are obsessed with convenience and hurrying things along to the next step. I can understand how people may fall into that type of thinking, especially with their first child, because they don't know just how temporary all of the hard times are, but logically, it still doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you think about it. People think that attachment parenting is just spoiling kids, not disciplining them, and creating brats, but that's not true. It's really the opposite. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved and kind my kids are. It is probably because they have not had their basic human impulses squelched from an early age, and they know that they are heard, so they're not frustrated. Because they're not frustrated, they're easy to deal with most of the time.

Thak and I believe that being heard is a human need, and we extrapolate that from the principles of attachment parenting. All people need to be heard, and to know that somebody understands what they're saying and is on their side. Ever had one of those days when it seems like the entire world is against you, and everybody you meet is a major jerk, and just not on the same wavelength as you are? That's what it's probably like for babies and toddlers every day of their lives if they live in one of those really authoritarian households where they have to cry it out, suck it up, and do things at the convenience of the adults in their lives. Sure, it's hard when a toddler pitches fits a lot, and just absolutely won't do what you need him to do (I have a toddler, so I know that some fits are inevitable.) but a lot of tantrums can be avoided by just hearing the kid out before it starts. Tantrums are frustration boiling over, and kids who are heard and acknowledged aren't nearly as frustrated as kids who are squelched at every turn.

As far as discipline goes, we don't spank. It's ineffective, and may or may not teach kids how to be violent. I got spanked when I was a kid, and I'm not a violent person, so I'm not really all that sold on the hard and fast link between the two, but I believe it may result in that in some cases, so I say that it may or may not, because it is case by case. Anyhow, just because we don't spank our kids, or use any punitive discipline with young kids, doesn't mean we're breeding undisciplined brats. In fact, our kids are some of the most disciplined in our entire neighborhood. The reason is because it doesn't take a bigger hammer with most kids. It takes consistency. If you say, "We don't hit" and then don't enforce it with consistent redirection, then it's not going to do anything. If you say, "We don't hit" and then physically remove the kid from the situation where he was hitting, and do it EVERY TIME he tries to hit, he will learn not to hit. Nothing punitive is necessary. Straight up attachment parenting positive discipline works great for most kids when applied consistently. As far as older kids, sure, things have to have consequences, but if there's one thing I learned in the Army, it's that the punishment always has to fit the crime. A soldier with a messy barracks room is going to clean something. A soldier who loses his gear is going to carry a heavy pack with him everywhere he goes for a week. The same goes for kids. An 8-year-old who goes outside her boundaries will be grounded. An 8-year-old who won't eat what she is served will go without snacks. Consequences of actions are generally nonviolent, and really get the point across. When stuff makes sense to the kid, you usually don't have the same problem twice (at least not in a short period of time). My attachment parented kids are not undisciplined brats. Actually, they're the kind of kids everyone wants their kids to make friends with. They're nice to everybody, respect others, and obey rules when the rules are clear.

It comes down to something really basic. Those of us who practice attachment parenting, just like the parents in other societies around the world where these practices are commonplace, acknowledge our kids as full fledged human beings. This results in a lot of good, and really not much inconvenience at all when you really think about what goes into it. I see increasingly that our society is beginning to view kids as second class citizens (think of the restaurant that recently made headlines by banning all kids under the age of six, and the proposal of an airline to offer childfree flights). Can we really blame our society, though, when it begins at home, sometimes as early as a month or two after birth, when the mom gets it in her head that her brand new little baby needs to learn to soothe him/herself, and that crying it out does no harm? When we are taught by mainstream media and even our pediatricians, that it's ok to treat our own perfect little babies in such a subhuman way, then it should come as no surprise that our society has followed suit by beginning to ban those same children from its establishments, because they're just too inconvenient to deal with.

As for me and Thak, we'll keep AP'ing, because frankly, it makes great kids, and the older they get, the more apparent it is. In the wee hours of the morning, I nursed Chai while Thak rocked Orren who had woken up upset from a bad dream, then we all settled down for one last hour of sleep together before Thak went off to work and the boys and I went for a run. After our run, I put Chai into the sling so he could nurse some more while I made some biscuits for me, Erin, and Orren to eat for breakfast. Erin read books to Orren, who giggled happily, and then came into the kitchen to inform me that we need to go to Walmart and buy juice. ("Mommy. Need buy juice. Go Walmart.") After breakfast, Erin ran out the door to play with her friends for the rest of the day, coming in when she got into a spat with the other girls in the neighborhood, and to get my take on the situation. That is what an AP'd kid does at that age. They have a strong attachment to their parents, and know that they can come to us when something is wrong, but also have the confidence to sort it out themselves if that's the answer. No overly clingy, whiny, bratty, permanent babies here.