You people are killing me.

Just what the title says. Seriously, there are some things I need people to realize. I think that because I have not used this pregnancy as an excuse to act debilitated and sick (because despite what society told you, pregnancy is not an illness), people have sort of forgotten that I am about to have a baby, and may want or need a little bit of consideration of that.... not much, just a little.

First of all, let's take an honest look at what's on my plate right now. I don't think people have really ever fully realized this.

1) I'm having a baby, any day. Yes, it's my 3rd, but honestly, it never becomes just one of those things you do without thinking about it. There are always a lot of considerations.

2) We just bought a house.

3) My husband is working his ass off to get established in the private sector. He's doing very well, as we knew that he could, but it does require a lot of our family since he is there every minute that shop is open, trying to prove to the people who matter, that he's worthy of the big raise he should have coming within the next couple months. They ARE noticing, big time, but the fact remains, he has to keep that momentum going.

4) I HATE discussing money with people, but I'm going there just this once. Until he gets that big raise when his probationary period at work is over, we are living on very little. We have gone from above average household income to well below average. We're going to make it, but we're definitely not well off right now.

5) Erin had her first ballet recital and her first science fair all in one week. We got through it (with flying colors), but it was stressful. We have her enrolled in the best programs for pretty much everything (the best school, the best dance studio, etc) and the expectations are very high. At Erin's age, the bulk of the high expectations fall to the parents, and in this family, 100% of that falls to me (See #3).



In light of all this, please consider the following:

1) Asking me to help you move is insane. No, I will not help you move. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and you want me to help you move?!! Are you clinically insane?!! I'm the only person you know who has a truck? Well, allow me to introduce you to my dear friend Mr. U-Haul. He has all the trucks you could ever want. How about THAT?

2) I don't want to watch your kids. Yes, that's exactly what I need.... one more to run around after, feed, and otherwise deal with. You're kidding me, right? Yes, I yelled at your child. You pushed me to absolute breaking point by sending them over here in the first place. I would never do that to you. Why would you do it to me?

3) It really pisses me off when you demand my stuff for free. If I have a girl, I need to take the boy clothes to the consignment shop and trade them in for girl clothes. I have to outfit my own kids first. I can't just give all my stuff away to yours right now. Asking (more like demanding) to be given all of Orren's outgrown clothes when I have need of them in one form or another, wasn't very nice. Wasn't the baby shower gift I got you good enough? I didn't even HAVE a baby shower. Remember?

4) Please understand that Erin NEEDS the very best, always, when it comes to academics especially. No, I didn't enjoy your suggestions of making her science project presentation on a neon green poster board in sharpie. That would get her a shitty grade, and we would be looked upon poorly by the higher-ups at the school (You know... the people who get to decide if we come back next year). There are only 150 kids in her school. People know what each one does and does not do. It is clearly better to be remembered for something good. I will not set my kid up for failure. Yes, she is in first grade. Her assignments are not a joke, even so. Yes, I know the public schools don't require even a fraction of what her school requires of all of us. That is why we do not use public school.

As for her ballet, I get the feeling that people think she was just going to go up there, twirl around at random a few times, and call it a day. People were actually shocked that the class was in synch with their dances, and that the dances were as complex as they were. Really? What do you think they all spent all those hours in practice doing? Eating twinkies? She worked her ass off for that, and we ran our asses off so she could be where she needed to be when she needed to be there. Again, this is important for her. Dance is one thing she excels at, and it is even helpful for her on a neurological level. Erin is learning disabled, but a talented dancer. The success she has with dance is important in many ways, and does tie into her academic success as well, however indirectly. Half-assing it isn't an option. It's not just some lame-o 6 week program on post. Girls from her studio often go to college on dance scholarships. It is a place of success and potential, and yes, it does matter what Erin does now.

I don't know why it's hard for people to understand that the things that Erin has going on are important, and I can't just brush them off. She's a school age kid. School age kids have stuff to do, and it's always important stuff, even at a young age. If you don't lay the foundation right when they're Erin's age, then you'll have nothing to build on when they're older. I thought that was pretty much common knowledge. I don't appreciate when people act like Erin's commitments are a joke, and like I'm putting too much consideration into them. Hey, notice it's MY kid who's placing top 3 in the science fair and dancing on the big stage at the university. Obviously we're doing something right.

5) This pregnancy has been difficult compared to my other two. I haven't said much about that because it has not been complicated (there is a big difference between uncomfortable and complicated). Nothing is wrong with me or the baby. I'm just not 21 anymore. It is harder the more babies you have, and the older you get. I am 29 years old, and this is my 3rd baby. I am in a good bit of pain every day, and have been for some time. It isn't a piteous situation, which is why I don't really say much about it, because really, there's nothing that can be done. When I have the baby, everything will be better. For now, it is what it is. Just because I'm not sitting here complaining about it day in and day out does not mean that it's effortless. Maybe I make it look easy? I don't know. I also don't talk much about what we do at my appointments because there's not much to talk about. The baby is big and healthy, and has been. I'm healthy, and have been. We are fine. Otherwise, me and Alyson hang out and talk about whatever, usually birth or baby related, and just make the plans for the birth and stuff. There's really nothing more to report. We don't do most of the tests or exams that mainstream practices do, so I won't be showing up with news of dilation, or blood test results, or anything like that. We just don't do that stuff because it's pointless and doesn't tell us anything of significance, even though society would have us believe otherwise.

Also, there is less to report because the stuff that mainstream practitioners flip out over, is not cause for concern to a good midwife and her client. A semi-low placenta may change the ballgame slightly, but it is not generally a terribly challenging situation for an experienced midwife to handle at a birth. A baby's position is of far more minor consideration than it would be in a mainstream practice, and every midwife knows things to tell her client to do, to help the baby get into a more advantageous position (even if the baby does not get into a perfect position, most midwives can still help the mom to have a good birth without interventions). Ultrasounds aren't done if the client doesn't ask for them. Fetal size estimates are done by external palpation, and it's more of a curiosity than anything since it's accepted as universal truth that we grow only what we can birth. If you have a history of large babies, it's seen as a joyous thing because they were big and healthy, not a risk factor. Internal exams are not done unless requested by the client (and I don't request them). The assumption is that there will be no need for interventions. Each client is given the benefit of the doubt all the way through, and interventions are always a very last resort, never a convenience. It's a far more hands-off approach, and while it may seem half-ass to some, the statistics show that it works better than the mainstream medical model.

This is why I sort of stay quiet in pregnancy-related conversations. When I am sitting there listening to women talk about being marked as high risk, and scheduled for c-sections, on the basis of factors that I have as well, and know how to manage at home, it is not a comfortable thing to weigh in on that conversation. Therefore, I stay quiet, and apparently people forget I'm even pregnant. They just think I like walking around with a basketball under my shirt or something.

But seriously, people.... I'm having a baby super soon. I don't know when, but it won't be long. I also have a lot on my plate. Just spare me the bullshit for now, ok? That's all I'm asking.

Kindergarten graduation. WHY??

I hate Kindergarten graduation. Whoever thought of this idea was an idiot. What 5 or 6-year-old kid needs to wear a cap and gown and receive a diploma for attending a year of school? None! It's a weird concept to me. We didn't do that in the school I went to, so it's not like it's some tradition as far as I'm concerned. It's just some weird thing that people do for some crazy reason I don't get.

I understand having some type of party, or award ceremony, or other end of the year celebration. Yes, the first year of school is a big deal. It's worth celebrating. A graduation ceremony, though? What idiot thought that up?

This is why I hate it. A million times a day, Erin sees graduation-related stuff, and asks for it when she graduates from first grade. She thinks she's having another graduation ceremony in a matter of weeks when the school year ends, no matter how many times we tell her that the next time she's graduating from anything, it'll be high school. She simply doesn't get it. She honestly thinks that she's going to walk across a stage in a cap and gown at the end of every school year, and graduate from whatever grade she just finished. We've explained this to her a million times, but she doesn't get it. She graduated from Kindergarten, after all! Urkle graduated from Kindergarten yesterday. Daddy graduates from college in a few weeks. Why wouldn't she graduate from first grade when her school lets out? She does not get it no matter how many times we try to explain it to her.

I think accomplishments should be put in perspective, even for kids. Like I said, an award ceremony, a party, some type of end of the year celebration to commemorate the accomplishment of finishing up a year of school, would be a great idea. Give each kid a certificate of achievement for whatever they did best that year, eat some cupcakes, and tell them they are going to do great next year. Then call it a day. A full pomp and circumstance, cap and gown, graduation ceremony is NOT called for at that age, and sets the bar unrealistically. You don't have a graduation ceremony for Kindergarten. You have a graduation ceremony for high school and college. You have cupcakes and paper awards for Kindergarten.

Like a gargoyle

See? That's the neighbor lady across the street! Yesterday, Thak was outside washing and waxing my car, while Erin played with other kids. I went out there and actually saw that Urkle was out there, and that his mom was standing guard at her door. Holy crap that was funny. She was sitting out there looking for all the world like a gargoyle, no doubt trying to make sure that her precious baby wasn't again "wrongly" accused of anything. I about died of laughing when I saw her. I had to go back inside.

Then again, we are talking about the woman who produced THIS. Not sure why I was surprised. That was freaking hilarious, though.

Face, meet palm.

Holy crap, one of my friends just blogged her birth story. I hadn't seen her since her son was born about a month ago, just because she has been super busy with relatives in town, the baby being in the hospital for failure to thrive, and everything else in the world you can imagine. So a month out, this girl wrote her birth story. I am so floored that I had to read it to Thak just so he could tell me this shit really said what I thought it said.

Let me just say that stories like that one, and mostly the fact that they're considered very normal successful births in any given hospital (especially military hospital) are THE #1 reason I literally RAN out of Winn Army Community Hospital after visiting the OB department there when I was only 5 weeks pregnant with Orren. I knew from the moment I stepped through the doorway that it was not a safe place to have a baby. I lasted five minutes before I ran out. Literally, picked up Erin, and RAN. The vibe of the place was just that bad. The fact that stuff like this girl's birth happen there on the regular, is why I couldn't even stand to be there, far less consent to birth there. Later that day, I called the birth center, and found out they were doing open house two days later. We went to it, and met Nancy. We knew we were in the right place with the right people, so we went with it, and months later, Nancy caught Orren as he came into the world on his own terms. That's a damned sight better than what we would have had in the butcher shop we were expected to go to.

This girl's birth story reminds me of what could have been, what a bullet me and Orren dodged, and how right we are to continue to stand out of the way of similar bullets this time. She not only was convinced that she needed an induction at 39 weeks, but actually let these people try to dilate her cervix with a balloon thingie, AND she let them give her THREE doses of Cytotec!! Cytotec is literally the most deadly thing in obstetrics. It's not even FDA approved for labor induction, but that's what they use it for. It causes extremely intense contractions that lead to a major increase in the rate of uterine rupture, and oh yeah, death for mom and baby. (No, uterine rupture does not always cause death. Add Cytotec, and it is more likely to.) In all, there are Cytotec death stories all over the place. You don't even have to look hard to find them. It's that common. Knowing that, there is no way in hell anyone would ever come within 10 feet of me with Cytotec unless it was for an extremely severe postpartum hemorrhage. This girl, however, was induced with a bulb in her cervix and three doses of devil spit. That's nice.

Long story short, she got bamboozled into getting an epidural (because some nurse said it was necessary?? Since when do we listen to nurses on stuff like that?). The baby got an electrode in his scalp because apparently being strapped to a regular monitor just isn't enough. Then there were about five more monitors. Then shit went downhill, and they gave a drug to stop the contractions they started with the Cytotec, and were pretty much about to go for a c-section, when the "midwife" (and I'm using that term very loosely) did an internal exam, and decided it was time to push, so that's what happened, and this tiny 6 pound (most likely mildly premature) baby was finally born.

Holy crap. I have no words for that. Honestly, if that stuff happened to me, I don't know that I'd even admit to it because I know better than to allow people to do that stuff to me in the first place. If some asshole scheduled me for an induction for absolutely no reason, especially before 43 weeks, I wouldn't show up. They can't make me. Secondly, if someone came at me with a foley bulb and told me they were going to put it in my cervix, I would run. If they brought Cytotec into the same room as me, and expected me to actually take the stuff, I would throw it at them, and then run. There is NO WAY I would allow myself to be placed in that situation, and I have no idea why anyone would. This girl knew better. That birth story was shocking, honestly, just plain shocking. I couldn't even say anything, because if I did, it would be, "This is why I homebirth."

Dear hospital birth "professionals":

Be ashamed. This stuff is BS.

Sincerely,
A Non-sheep

Ballet recital stuff....

We made it through dress rehearsal in one piece, and will be headed back for the recital itself in an hour or so. We're relaxing at home until then. All in all, it went well. It was hectic and demanding, but good. The location of the dressing room for Erin's class was seriously up and down about 4 flights of stairs, which is really interesting at this point. My hip joints are killing me since I had to do that climb six times this morning, contracting like mad all the way, but we'll get through the main show tonight and then I'll fall over like I kind of want to at this point.

It's been difficult because we're the only first timers in our class. Erin's the youngest in her class (barely made the age cut-off for it by a week), and all the other girls have been with the studio for at least three years, so we definitely stood out as the rookies. We made it through, though, even if only by a hair at times. It'll go smoother tonight. It'll have to. Next year, it'll go even better.

Erin is so psyched for dance after getting to do this. She loved dancing on the big stage, and did so well. She loved watching the older girls do their dances, too, and knows that can be her someday if she continues to work hard. She wants to do all three classes this year, ballet, jazz, and tap. We'll support that. I think she deserves to. This year is the time to make decisions like that. We wait much longer, and she starts getting too old to take up new forms of dance. At this stage, she's still got a couple more years to be in the first level of classes and get her form right before moving up. We wait much longer, and it would do her a disservice. Seeing the other dancers today made it that much clearer to Erin that this is what she wants, so we're going to make it happen for her.

Anyhow, without further ado, pics and video:

Costume for Trolley Song (from the musical, "Meet Me In St. Louis"):


Costume for Colors of the Wind (from Pocahontas):


Between dances, in the auditorium, watching the older dancers:


Now videos (Click the links):

Trolley Song. Erin is to the back, and toward the right of the screen. She's the smallest and the only blonde, so pretty easy to pick out.

Colors of the Wind. In this video, you can't see her as well at the beginning. Thak got a really bad angle on it for a while. You can see her through most of it, though. Again, smallest dancer, only blonde.

She did AMAZING!! This was dress rehearsal. The main show is in a couple hours.

"Don't do too much."

No fewer than five people have said this to me in the past week, because I've had so much going on with everything. We had science fair and ballet recital for Erin, everything on the face of the earth for Thak, and of course I've had to do everything around here myself because Thak is not available to help since he's working so many hours lately. (It's necessary, and he IS moving up, so it's working, but it requires a lot of the whole family for him to be there every minute the shop is open and then some.)

"Don't do too much!"

What should lapse? Should my house be disgusting so that the baby can be born into filth? Should we stop eating so I don't have to cook? Should we have just said no, we're not doing a science project, and let Erin get a failing grade in science? (Yes, science fair was mandatory participation for first graders. I don't care that a lot of people think that's ridiculous. We think it's great, and like the fact that our kid goes to the only school in this part of the state that still does it that way.) Should she just not make the required rehearsals, and not be allowed to dance in her recital that she's been working toward all year? Should Thak wear filthy disgusting uniforms to work so that he looks like crap and the customers don't like him? Should Orren be bored and restless and never go out of the house? Tell me. What of this stuff can go?

It would be different if they said, "Don't do too much. What time does Erin need to be at ballet? Maybe I can give her a ride there or back." or "Don't do too much. Do you have enough casseroles frozen up for after the birth?" or anything other than just "Don't do all this stuff you can't possibly get out of." It's just so hollow.

Still not pleased with her.

In thinking on the conversation with Urkle's mom yesterday, when she was telling me how inappropriate it was for me to yell at him, I just am not happy with how it went. I definitely know where the little shit gets it from, and there are so many things I would have said to her in retrospect. I also realize that she essentially denied that he did what he did.

She actually said that she thought it was ok that he was "borrowing" Erin's scooter from our yard, while we weren't home. No. Where I come from, when you go to someone's house when they're not there, and take something without their permission, that's called a few things, but borrowing isn't one of them. Stealing, robbery, larceny... all of these come to mind. I came home caught the kid riding away from our house on Erin's scooter as fast as he could go. I caught him red handed. That's not "borrowing", and it's definitely not the same as when all the kids are outside and they play on each other's bikes and scooters, like she stated.

Also, I wonder why she was shocked that this happened. She claims she's always outside with the kids (which is BS, by the way. I NEVER see her outside.) Well, if she were, she would know that her kid is universally disliked by everybody in the entire neighborhood. When he comes up to a group, everybody goes, "Urkle, go home." or, "Aw crap...." NOBODY likes this kid. It shouldn't be shocking that someone (namely, me) finally said something about it.

Finally, she said Erin does the same annoying shit that her kid does? No. No she doesn't. We have explicitly told Erin NOT to do the things that Urkle does that drive us nuts. She would NEVER run up to people as soon as they get home. We caught her riding her scooter in someone's driveway ONCE, and put an end to that. We see what she does, and she's not allowed to terrorize the neighborhood. Any kid will turn into a pain in the ass if you let them. Any kid can do better if you nip that type of behavior in the bud, as we have. We simply don't assume that the entire world will accept our kid for the wild savage she'd raise herself to be if we did nothing about anything, so we do this wild crazy thing called parenting, and make her act like a decent member of society. She steps out of line, she gets grounded. I have NEVER seen Urkle get grounded or punished in any way whatsoever, but I've seen him do more stupid crap than any other kid here.

I stand by what I said. The kid had it coming. If his parent (and he really only has one, because his stepdad is so obviously powerless to do anything in that house) had dealt with him, I wouldn't have had to. I hope they get stationed somewhere next with no private school anywhere near for that kid to hide in anymore. This one needs to be taken down a peg or ten, and it's not going to happen at home.

On a good note, Thak saw that they were outside, but went in when they saw Erin go outside to play after ballet last night. Maybe we really won't have to deal with them anymore. I'm still mad at Urkle's mom for actually thinking her little bastard was in the right, and actually thinking it was wrong of me to deal with him myself. (And she honestly thought I'd care that his feelings were hurt? Seriously? That was the idea. The kid takes a bigger hammer, let's just say.) I guess I just wish that she saw how much he had pushed us to our limit, and that that's why this happened, that we just were pushed to this point by having to deal with him, that they never gave us a choice, every time we were outside, we had to deal with him. That's not nice. That's not acceptable. Honestly, THAT'S what's inappropriate. Erin knows she's not to just go and randomly impose on people just because they happen to live near us. We have the concept of boundaries. I wish I'd put it to her that way.

Inappropriate? Is it?

So I just had a certain child's mom over here telling me how inappropriate it was for me to yell at her kid, how much it had hurt his feelings, and how he didn't know he did anything wrong. I told her straight up that her kid stole Erin's scooter twice, once where we caught him red-handed, how he is loud, obnoxious, destructive, and we just don't like him. I said straight up, "Look, a million strikes and you're out. He's not allowed here anymore. So yeah, when he talked to me like nothing had ever happened yesterday, I yelled at him. I want nothing to do with him. We're done."

Her whole premise was that it's inappropriate for me to yell at her kid. My whole thing is, if she hadn't raised such a little jerk, I wouldn't have to. Nobody's ever yelled at Erin. That's because nobody's ever had to. I raised her to be someone whom people will like. I can say that the parents of the little girl Erin plays with who lives across the other street from us have done the same, because that little girl is a-ok. When you raise a decent kid, stuff like this doesn't happen. You raise an obnoxious jerk, and this is what you get.

I cannot wait until they move. I hope the plan hasn't changed. I can't wait to NOT live across the street from that kid. And oh yeah, next time we move, it's going to be to the middle of fricking nowhere. In fact, if we could afford it, we'd move tomorrow. This neighborhood thing isn't working out for us at all. We're miserable here. Dealing with other people's kids every time I turn around isn't a good life. It's my hell. That's probably why I snapped on this one, because he's just ALWAYS THERE. I can't avoid him because even in my house, I hear his high pitched screams, and constant yelling. I walk out my door, and there he is. He doesn't know the meaning of, "Go away and leave me alone." It's ridiculous. Never again. We live in the middle of nowhere from here forward.

There have been other neighbor issues within the pas 24 hours as well, but that's a story for another day. Turns out the crazy assholes behind us "hear voices". Yeah.... like I said.... story for another day. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

She knocked it out of the park!

Erin took third place in the Science Fair! Go Erin!!

They don't stop.

I just WENT OFF on Urkle. What a disrespectful little asshole he is. We came home to catch him stealing Erin's scooter. I jumped out of the truck, and well.... dealt with him. I'm sure his parents could hear me yelling at him. I'm ok with that. If they won't deal with their little bastard, I will. Maybe they'll learn something.

If that little bastard sets foot on our property ever again, I'm calling the police for tresspassing. I told him he is NEVER to come here again, that it is called trespassing, and that stealing is not ok.

Parents:

This is why you don't let daycare raise your children for you. They turn into this shit, and then someone like me has to deal with them for you. I will say this little bastard is lucky as hell he didn't grow up where I did. Someone would have dealt with him a whole lot worse than I did by now. They don't have much tolerance for little boys like him, let's just say. I HOPE they get orders somewhere DEEP DEEP south next. That would be the wake-up call they need.

The sleepover that wasn't.

So the bonus kid did show, and she and Erin played for a while before going to bed, and then me and Thak were just hanging out watching some Harold and Kumar until we went to bed. I walked into the kitchen to get some ice water, and the bonus kid apparently snuck up behind me and raked her big fake nails along my shoulder. She scared the shit out of me, and to be honest, my knee jerk reaction would have been a lot worse than what she really got, which was yelled at to "NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!" I don't think this kid has ever been yelled at in her life, judging by the look on her face. She stepped back, and wouldn't tell me what she wanted, as in why she was out there in the first place an hour after bedtime. So I just let it go, but I felt bad for scaring her like that.

After I had calmed down, I told Thak that I just was really stressed with this, and that I just thought it was really unfair that I had to deal with this kid on top of everything else. She gets into everything, plays sneaky games which I HATE, and while she's not a bad kid, she doesn't know how we do things here, so it's like constant redirection anytime she's in the house. It's tiring, and I'm already exhausted. It is hard for me having to deal with other people's kids in general, and Erin is to an age where there are other kids to be dealt with. This is THE single most stressful thing I do. Of course, we have also had other stressful things going on lately. Thak getting established at his new job, Erin's first science fair and ballet recital all in the space of a week, oh, and right... I'm having a baby soon, too. I have a ton on my plate, and honestly, more kids is the stress equivalent of a heaping helping of liver and onions.

A couple hours later, Thak was locking up the doors before we went to bed, and he found her in Erin's doorway crying. He brought her out and asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted to go home. Great... So we got ahold of her parents, and it ended up being that the only solution that worked at all was for Thak to drive her home. He did, and it was fine.

This morning, her mom was asking me if she was a brat and what happened. Great. The kid heard the WHOLE conversation between me and Thak, about how I don't like other kids around, and how hard it is for me to deal with them, and how I think it's so unfair that they needlessly dumped their kid off on me at this point in time when I already have so much on my plate. So her mom, who's one of the only cool people I know here, was asking me about it. I explained the whole thing, but great. Now she's going to hate me because I honestly WASN'T ok with having this kid dumped off on me for no good reason on top of the heaping pile of shit I already have going on. I mean, how do you say in a nice way, "Yeah, your kid was the LAST thing I wanted to deal with at that exact moment..."? Shouldn't it be obvious? I don't want her to hate me over this, but she's going to. That sucks, because I would NEVER do this to anybody. If I had a friend who had everything going on that I have going on, the LAST thing I would do is try to send Erin over there for a sleepover. I would know she wouldn't want that. I hate that I have been put in this position.

I don't want to.

We only get one day for weekends these days because until Thak goes on flat rate, we need him to work as much overtime as possible. I am exhausted. I just want to pass out and fall asleep for days. I also have about a million things I want to do that require Thak, and he is never here. It's ok. It's a temporary situation, and it's worthwhile. It's just not easy at all right now.

So when a friend asked me if her daughter could come over for a sleepover, I didn't want to say yes, because honestly, ANOTHER kid to deal with is the last thing I want, when I would honestly kill for a break from my own kids, which of course, nobody seems to be jumping to give me. I said yes, though, because I figured she had something to go and do, and I didn't want her to be in a bind. I also know that maybe I'll need someone to watch my kids one of these days, and it's kind of like paying it forward. When I found out that, in fact, they really don't have any real need of a babysitter, that they'd just promised this kid that she'd get to go somewhere this weekend and the original arrangement had fallen through, I kind of wished she'd told me that in the first place. I couldn't really back out at that point. I'd already said yes, so I was stuck.

So here I am, 38 weeks pregnant, exhausted, sore from head to toe, and wanting nothing more than a break, and waiting for the doorbell to ring with my bonus child for the night and god knows how much of tomorrow (remember, tomorrow is our ONLY day off). She's not a bad kid. Don't get me wrong. She doesn't trash stuff any worse than Erin does, and she's not disrespectful or anything, but she's very, well, high energy. Like I said, it's really not a bad thing, but really? If it weren't for the fact that Erin would be extremely disappointed, I would honestly hope they forgot. (I'm starting to think they did. They're an hour late already. I hope they didn't, because like I said, Erin would be heartbroken, but man, the timing of this thing sucks worse than most things I've ever seen.)

Are you your camp, or are you just you?

A friend from a previous duty station blogged something this morning about how she gets no respect for her parenting practices. I'll just sum it up and say that to call this woman a little bit mainstream as far as parenting goes, is probably the understatement of the year. My philosophy on pretty much everything is diametrically different from hers, but she doesn't do anything that's just plain stupid (no cereal in bottles, discipline is age-appropriate) and her kids have thus far turned out better than most. There's no disputing that this friend from a previous duty station, is a very good mom, even if she does some things which you couldn't pay me enough money to do to my own kids.

Anyhow, her posting that she receives zero respect for her parenting style made me think. My knee jerk reaction was to think, "Yeah, ok.... I'm pretty sure the mainstream assholes who tell me I'm setting my kids up for failure, disease, social maladjustment, and an early grave because I DON'T do these mainstream things, leave you alone without a hitch." I honestly see a huge push in the alternative parenting community to be nice to the mainstream people because it doesn't accomplish anything to tell them how off base they are with a lot of the stuff they do. It's that whole "you catch more flies with honey" thing. There's been a major push toward that recently. Apparently this is not universal. I've never known this friend to be overly sensitive, or to lie, so this judgment IS happening to her. I believe that. The thing this made me think of, though, is, to what extent are we our views?

I'll elaborate. I honestly don't consider myself to walk around labeled with all the things I do. I'm not "Homebirthing-Intactivist-Breastfeeding-Cloth Diapering-Carseat Safety-Selective Vaccination-Charter School-Mom". I'm Anna. Similarly, I don't consider my friend who brought this up, "Hospital Birthing-Circumcising-Formula Feeding-Disposable Diapering-Carseat Safety-Fully Vaccinating-Public School-Mom". She's just herself. That's not to say it doesn't make me cringe when she, or someone like her, discusses doing something to their kids that I would never, in a billion years, do to mine (like piercing a baby girl's ears, or circumcising a son, or getting a ton of vaccinations all at once). I just don't tell THEM that. I figure they're parenting to raise their kids, not to please people like me. I'm surely not parenting for the pleasure of the audience. I'm doing what I do because it's scientifically proven to be best. They are doing what they're doing for whatever reason.

The problem is that there are people in every camp who do two completely asinine things, which would serve us all well by going away completely:

1) They reduce people to their labels. This is the root of all evil. Anyone who's ever been to high school knows that labels are crap, and that people are so much more than their labels. Think about how many people have gone back to their hometown after being gone for 10 or 15 years, and found that the class geek, or the class rebel, or that girl who wore stupid clothes and had frizzy hair, is actually kind of cool when you get to know them? How many times have we all heard this story? Like a ton, right? Hollywood has made billions off the idea that, at the end of the day, we are a lot more than our labels. People who insist on reducing everyone else to their parenting labels, and not looking at the big picture, please watch The Breakfast Club, take two beers, and call me in the morning if symptoms persist.

2) People think that everything is up for public debate. This is a direct byproduct of social networking, I think. Ten years ago, it wasn't like this. Ten years ago, these social networks did not exist, and people didn't live to debate minutia half to death. What's more, people saw people differently. People were people, not screen names and words. It's really easy to just rip someone apart when all they are to you is words. The problem is that this seems to have carried over into the outside world as well. I have noticed a change in societal attitudes on the whole when it comes to other people's choices, especially when it comes to parenting.

The best recent example I can think of as far as this change in attitude goes, was when I was at a coffee and some newbie wife asked if anyone had ever NOT taken a gestational diabetes test while pregnant, and if she really needed it. Well, I've never taken one, and I also happen to have done my homework on this, and know that there's really no reason for doctors and hospital based midwives to be giving these tests to everybody who walks through their door. Even ACOG doesn't recommend that. So pretty much, after everyone else regurgitated whatever line of crap their OB gave them for why they needed to take this test, I explained that it's every person's choice what tests they have and do not have done during pregnancy, and MY logic for not requesting a gestational diabetes test during any of my pregnancies. (Note, I said I did not request it. I never actually had to turn it down. None of my midwives have given this test routinely, and they didn't think I needed it either since they didn't recommend it to me.) The bottom line of my point of view on this is that it is every person's choice whether they take that test or not. I was not trying to get people to do things my way, or dissuade anyone from taking a test they thought was necessary. In fact, I said multiple times, "If it will put your mind at ease in any way to take this, or some other, test, then you should take it." I was very informative and non-judgmental. What response did I get? Torches and pitchforks would be an understatement. I ended up leaving because everyone was so hostile toward me, and kept telling ME what I needed to do differently, and how I'm endangering my kids, how my midwives should not be allowed to practice since they "let" people not care for their pregnancies "right", and stuff like that. It was proposed that I should lose my children because I have never undergone extensive prenatal testing, nor seen a doctor. Remember, I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind. I just said it was every person's choice what tests they did and what they didn't do, and to do their own research and figure out which ones they think apply to their own unique situation. I NEVER ONCE said "do it my way". I would never. My way is my way. But people are not quite people anymore, as it would seem, and my simple statement of fact was taken as an invitation to debate, and a verbal lynching. I had to leave, and I haven't spoken to any of those people since. You just don't treat people like that and get another chance.

The tendency to treat people the way I was treated in the above situation is a direct result of simplifying people to be less than human, and that's what the entire crux of this issue is. I'm NOT going to sit here and say "STOP THE JUDGING!!" because that's bullshit. The fact is, there are some choices that are supported by best practice, and others which are not, and I'm not going to actually condone subpar practices. I will always come at things from my own bias, and expect others to do the same. However, I also don't consider myself so omnipotent and all knowing that everybody wants to hear what I think of every single move they make. I may think someone's choices are completely idiotic, but NOTHING obligates me to tell them that. Why is it that so many have forgotten that?

What's more, people are people. They are not their views. Why is it so hard to remember that? Sure, it is great to know people who do things similarly to you. I would even say it's important, because I think it is a basic need that all people have to be heard and understood, and to not be treated like they're wrong all the time. At the same time, though, there's no way in hell every person you meet will do things exactly the same way as you do, so you've got to be a little accommodating of that, and at least not rip people new orifices for disagreeing with you. People are whole people, and can still be cool even if their parenting philosophy is completely different from yours. Seek out like-minded friends, yes, but don't rip apart people who are different. They probably didn't ask you what you thought in the first place.

Final answer.

I got all three carseats installed. Phew! That was a job. I learned a few things:

1) Erin is, thank goodness, tall enough to go backless in her booster. The seatbelt fits her fine that way. Thank goodness she's grown so much this year. This saved my ass and my aching bank account, because the Monterrey alongside the two Radians did fit, but it was impossible for her to buckle herself in with the way the back is contoured. Without the back, she can reach around the arm rest and buckle herself in fine (even better if we duct tape the seatbelt thing to her booster so it stays in one place more easily).

2) The Peg Perego infant seat only installs well with LATCH when it comes to the HHR. The seatbelt path on that thing is the absolute worst match for Chevy seatbelts. I have no idea how we got that thing to work in our old Ford, which didn't have LATCH. However, with the current set-up, doing a LATCH install in the HHR is not an option because it has to fit 3-across, and the LATCH position takes away about 3" of seat space that I need in order to make the seats all fit. Verdict: Peg Perego seat + HHR 3-across = Totally incompatible.

3) Final answers:

In car: Backless Monterey for Erin, passenger's side outboard; Rear-facing Radian XTSL for Orren, middle; Rear-facing Radian XTSL for Chaiyo/Sirikit, driver's side outboard. The reason I put Orren in the middle is because he can climb in there himself, AND because he'll probably be going forward-facing when he turns 3, and he'll definitely need to be in the middle when he's forward-facing because it's the most protected position, so we'll put him there now so we don't have to shuffle seats too much when the time comes.

In truck: Backless Monterey for Erin, passenger's side outboard; Forward-facing Britax Marathon for Orren, middle; Peg Perego infant seat for Chaiyo/Sirikit, driver's side outboard. Again, since Orren has outgrown the rear-facing limits of his Marathon, and rides forward-facing in it, we put him in the middle so that he is more protected because he is less protected by his seat than the baby who's rear-facing. Plus, he can climb over and get into his seat himself, and it's easier to load the baby into an outboard position, AND there is a LATCH belt position on the outside seats, but not the middle, and with how poorly that infant seat installs with seatbelt in the car, I don't want to chance it in the truck. It's a super easy install with LATCH, but the seatbelt install is horrible, so we're bypassing that by using an outboard seating position for it.


When the baby outgrows the infant seat, he/she will go into the Britax Diplomat in the same position.

Their bodies, their choices.

Why do people pierce little baby girls' ears? I just don't understand why anybody would do this. Yet, I know so many people who do. I'm the only person I know with a 7-year-old daughter without pierced ears. Although that will be changing within the next couple weeks since she's been asking about getting her ears pierced. We just want her to wait until after her ballet recital next Saturday since all the costume changes and hair styling and stuff could irritate new piercings if we did it before then. The point remains, though, we're having Erin's ears pierced because she's asked for it, not because Thak and I decided as her parents that she needed this done. It's her body. This is a cosmetic thing, not something life saving or beneficial (like having the appendix out if it is infected, or getting a cavity filled, or something like that). What legitimacy could we possibly have to make that decision for another human being, even if that human being is our daughter?

Some people say that piercing the ears of a baby girl against her will is as bad as circumcising a baby boy. I'm not sure I'd go that far with it, although there are some common threads between the two things. It's different because ear piercing doesn't take away any form of function, whereas circumcision does. Ear piercing is also reversible, while circumcision is not. I would say, if someone held a gun to my head and made me either pierce my daughter's ears or circumcise my son, I would pierce my daughter's ears because I consider it the lesser of the two evils. However, the common threads between the two things are strong. For one, they are both cosmetic procedures. There is no medical benefit to either of them. When done in infancy, they are both done against the will of the person who lives with the ramifications of the decision. Most importantly, neither procedure is necessary. For these reasons, I do view them as being somewhat similar to each other.

My take on both of these unnecessary procedures is the same. "His/Her body, his/her choice." Where do so many parents get off thinking they own their children? Yes, we are charged with raising these children as best we can, but we do not own them. Taking bodily integrity away from a child just smacks of "I own you". That's not cool.

Hard for whom?

If I have one more person expect me to pity them because their husband can't find a job on the outside, I'm seriously going to scream. "Jobs are hard to come by!" This is the general consensus, but for WHOM are they so hard to come by? For Thak, it took him not quite 48 hours to find a job. We had anticipated this horribly long and drawn out job search. We'd printed up enough resumes and cover letters for every business in West Texas that remotely pertained to his field. We'd even checked into what companies might be hiring mechanics to work in the oil fields 4 hours away. We were scared to death of what we were going to find when he started taking those resumes around. We started taking resumes around to the most preferable employers on New Year's Eve, and on January 2, he got two offers, and chose the most preferable of them. Tough crowd.

Now, I will say, Thak's job is hard. It doesn't pay what the military paid. The benefits aren't what they are for an Active Duty soldier either. Not to mention the hours are longer, and yes, he can be fired if that's what they choose to do. These are just the reality of the private sector, and we knew it going in. It's not some terrible thing. It just is what it is.

This brings me to one of my observations about military people. They want everything handed to them, and they want it to be as easy as it is in the military. I've been told, "Well, MY husband is a combat veteran and can't find a job!" so many times, and my response is always the same. "My husband is a combat veteran, and works on the shop floor at BMW. What has your husband done to make himself marketable to civilian employers? Just being a veteran is not enough." They've never done anything, of course. They just expect that their military skills will translate one for one, and they'll get some super high paying civilian job the minute they leave post. That's not how it works, though. You have to make your military skills make sense to the civilian employers. You need civilian licensing. You may need a degree, depending on your field. More than anything, you need to be realistic about this stuff.

I definitely think that employers should support the military and veterans. I think it's awesome that Thak's employer is so military-friendly. They hire veterans like nobody's business. However, the veterans they're hiring have taken the time to translate their skills into civilian equivalents, and made themselves marketable. They haven't just walked in with a crapped up resume full of military lingo, and said "I'm a veteran. Hire me." That would never work. Veterans who want to succeed, and take the steps to make themselves marketable, generally do succeed. Sure, there are exceptions, but in the vast majority of cases, this holds true.

I think military personnel, veterans, and ESPECIALLY family members, do themselves a great disservice by acting as if there is some great injustice at play in current hiring practices, just because veterans can't just walk into any place and walk out with a job. That's NEVER been the case, just so you know. Veteran status has never been enough. To act as if it should be is only to shoot oneself in the foot when it comes time to get out there. Sure, maybe your or your husband's job search won't be over in 48 hours like Thak's was, but from what I have seen, most veterans who have used their time and resources wisely CAN find a job within a reasonable amount of time.

This is the primary difference between the military and the private sector. In the military, there's always someone or some system to blame when things don't go your way. Out here, we have only ourselves. That's something that doesn't seem to sit well with a lot of military people. They want to blame somebody that isn't them, because if they're the one who created the situation, then they're the one who'll have to clean it up, and it'll be just that much more apparent that they're no longer working within Uncle Sam's framework of 10,000 safety nets. All in all, though, I don't think it's so bad out here. It's harder than the military, yes, but not in a bad way.

Today, I did not feel good. I was nauseous from the new supplement Alyson told me to take (it's for iron, so super important, but it's so nasty), and contracting, and just exhausted because I couldn't sleep very well last night. I napped on and off for most of the day.

Once, when I was awake, and Thak was out doing something, I heard the ice cream truck, and the kids had been very good, so I thought, why not? I had $5 in my wallet, and I thought it would be nice to get them some ice cream. They're always asking for it, and seldom get it, and they are very good kids. I gathered up Orren off the swing in the backyard, and we went running out the front door. We called for Erin, who was playing in a vacant lot one block over, and she came zipping over on her scooter, totally thrilled that she was going to get an ice cream.

While we were standing in line at the ice cream truck, Urkle came over, barged in front of me on his scooter, got right in my face, and said, "CAN I HAVE ONE?!!!" I said, "You have parents. Ask them." He persisted, and I said, "Go away. You're not my kid. If you're buying something, you can get in line, but I'm not buying you anything." After a couple more minutes, we finally got him to go away, and I was able to figure out what Erin and Orren wanted, get it for them, and start making our way back. Erin was asking me if she could continue to play, and I told her that she could, but she was riding back across the street with me and Orren as we were going back to our house. Urkle wedges himself between me and Erin, and interrupted our conversation. He was hitting Erin up to share her ice cream with him. She started explaining to him how saliva has germs in it, and you shouldn't share food unless it's with your brother or sister and you're sure they're not sick. (A testament to Mr. M's great science program, I think! Seriously, she totally shut this kid up with that.)

I finally got back inside with Orren, and we went out to the backyard where he ate his ice cream. I was telling Thak what happened, and he said that he sees that the kid's stepdad, who's actually a very decent guy, tries to discipline the kid, but the kid just laughs at him. He said that leads him to believe the mom just laughs at him when he tries to get anything done around there, that he actually carries little to no authority in their home, which is why this kid runs around being the neighborhood pain in the ass. It seems about right from what I've seen. Granted, nobody knows 100% of any story unless they're living it, but from what I can see, Thak's assessment of the situation was not wrong.

I can't wait until they move. I can't handle that kid. It's like, I literally can't leave my house in peace anymore. If my kids acted like that, I would be so embarrassed. We have to tell Erin all the time that in this family, we DO NOT do [insert thing that kid does]. She understands. She doesn't like him either, honestly. It is just a constant thing to make sure THAT behavior doesn't make its way home. I couldn't handle it if my kid was like that. I don't know how these people live.

Working alone

It seems like a lot of people are surprised that I did pretty much all of labor with Orren by myself. I didn't wake up Thak, and I didn't call our midwife. I just didn't want to be messed with, so I didn't ask anyone to mess with me. It was really that simple. It seems like a lot of people do not understand this, and one friend even told me yesterday that he thought it was sad that Thak slept through pretty much the whole thing. I said, "Why's it sad? He'd have woken up if I'd asked him to. I just didn't want to deal with having a baby, AND explaining everything to him, AND holding him off from calling our midwife too early, AND trying to tell him what I needed him to do. My labor would have been twice as long if I'd woken him up." Hearing that, he understood better, but was still a little floored. When his kids were born, his ex-wife did the whole hospital birth thing, so he was there, sitting in the uncomfortable institutional furniture, a front row seat to the whole spectacle. It's a little hard to imagine just sleeping in your own bed, waking up at a normal hour of the morning, calling the midwife, and having a baby a couple hours later, then sleeping in your own bed again that night. Non-hospital birth is a very different experience... even for the dads.

I thought it was interesting that I stumbled upon this quote yesterday.

"The most common cause for a long and difficult labor is the presence of the baby's father." ~Michel Odent, M.D.

Michel Odent is a very well respected French obstetrician. He is a huge advocate of natural birth, a friend of midwifery, and just a generally very good doctor. He's NOT the enemy. A lot of people think this quote of his of his crosses a line, though. It made me laugh when I saw it, because I KNOW it's true for me. I'm just reminded of all these birth TV shows where everyone's just sitting there and watching the mom labor, and she's getting stressed, and ends up with all these interventions and a super long labor, and all this other crap, but it seems to me like it's the old "watched pot" thing more than anything else. (They never boil, you know.)

Dr. Odent also thinks that the best attendant for the majority of births, is a very hands-off midwife, who will leave the mom alone unless there's a real need for her to step in. I tend to agree with that. That's one reason why I chose Alyson. Out of all the local midwives, she seemed the one who would most naturally fill that role. Our account of Orren's birth, and the fact that we thought it was pretty much perfect, minus the car ride to the birth center, was a great litmus test for midwives when we interviewed them. Any who cringed a little at me laboring alone by choice, would not be a fit. Any who smiled, or nodded knowingly, were more in line with our needs for this birth. We want what Dr. Odent describes.

What's more, Thak knows that he won't be playing the role of doula unless something changes, and that he'll probably either sleep, work, or something else, through the majority of the labor, until the end. Depending how I feel, Alyson may be here with me through several hours, but in a hands-off capacity until the very end.

It isn't sad. It isn't strange. In fact, few things in this world could be more biologically appropriate. Do you really think we are the only mamalian species that actually evolved with the preference of being watched through the birth process? After having had a completely unassisted labor the second time, I can tell you that I don't buy that for a minute. We are just like our fellow mammals in that we instinctively don't want to be messed with. That's why I like working alone. It is a recipe for success.

BOGO

It seems like the most popular advertising ploy lately is "Buy One Get One Half Off". I am so sick of it. I feel like I am quite possibly the only person in the world who sees that "second one half off" still translates to "more than we need to spend" if we came for one thing.

Thak, who grew up with money (therefore takes it for granted), and is a sucker for any sale even if it's not a particularly good deal, is particularly susceptible to this BOGO thing. Last night, when we went to the Sketchers store to get him some new work shoes, my heart sank as I saw the BOGO Sale sign in the window. Thak, right on time, goes "Ooooooh BOGO...." I said, "Remember, we came here for one thing. Getting the second one for 50% off still means we are spending more than we set out to spend, and right now, that is NOT something we need to do." He actually did really well. Not only did he resist the BOGO urge, but he found the same shoes he wanted, but in a very slightly different color scheme (which I personally think matches his BMW uniform better) ON SALE and an additional 30% off. Wonderful! We ended up spending $30 on what we had anticipated to be a $100 trip. That's good because Erin decided to outgrow not only her school uniforms, but her dance clothes and shoes, so we needed the extra money we saved to get Erin the stuff she needs.

This morning, after Thak went to work, I took the kids to Payless and Target. Payless sells ballet shoes, and we needed to get Orren some new undies at Target. We hit Payless first, and of course, they have that permanent BOGO sale going on. I found Erin's size in ballet shoes (this is interesting considering she has one foot half a size bigger than the other), and we took them to the counter. While waiting for someone to come and ring us up, Erin kept asking for everything that was there. I must have said no 100 times. She was all, "But it's BOGO!" and I told her, "It still costs money. We came here for ballet shoes, and that's what we're getting. Nothing more, nothing less." She was kind of pissed, but knew she wasn't getting anywhere, so she dropped it. Then the lady came to the counter, and starts asking me if I want something else for half off, asking about all the same stuff that I JUST had to tell Erin no to, and is practically trying to sell to Erin. If she'd gone on for half a second longer, I would have said, "Look, I'm here to buy my kid some new ballet shoes. That's it. Please just let me pay for these and go." A totally easy shopping trip where Erin gets new ballet shoes turns into a drama-fest where Erin thinks she's just been screwed out of 10 other things she should have had, in five minutes flat. Thanks, BOGO.

Seriously, when this BOGO craze is over, it will make life in this family a lot easier. That, or when everyone in this family comes to understand, as I do, that just because something is half off does not mean you have to buy it. We're making great progress with Thak. Erin will take a bit longer. There's still hope for Orren.

THEY CAME!!!

Now we've got everything we need for the baby!! The onesies we ordered off Etsy came in today, and wow. They are AMAZING. The hardest decision is which one he/she will wear first! I'm leaning toward the turtle right now, but I'm sure I'll change my mind 1000 times between here and there. They're all so cute! I may just let Erin pick.

People are too attached to their crap.

I just had THE funniest conversation with a wife who's expecting her first baby. She was asking about one of the children's consignment shops we have here. Now, I'll be the first to say, the consignments in this city are straight up garbage. Even so, people frequent them. The one everyone raves about is about the size of Orren's bedroom, and if you want brands that don't come from Wal Mart, you should probably go elsewhere. Even so, like I said, people flock to this place. I've bought a few things there when we were really short on cash and one of the kids hit a growth spurt, and I'll probably sell stuff there when I find out which gender's stuff I need to sell. It might not be a great place, but it's what we've got. When in Rome, right?

Anyhow, this wife totally flipped out over their policy that stuff that doesn't sell in 2 months is sent to an orphanage, and you get nothing for them. OK, first of all, we live spitting distance from Juarez, Mexico, one of the poorest and most violent cities in the world. We SEE what life is like in a third world country. How the hell can you deny your kids' used clothes that didn't sell, to the orphans who have to live in that place? Secondly, holy crap, they're used kids' clothes, not your car or something! I get that everybody wants to get money for stuff if they can, but if it doesn't sell within two months, at a place where people go to buy stuff like that, it's probably not going to sell, and you probably wouldn't have had any better luck on Craigslist, Bookoo, or your driveway on any given Saturday. Then what would you do? If you're like me, you'd donate it to Goodwill, the Junior Enlisted Center, or something like that. So what's the difference between that, and them being given to an orphanage if they don't sell? The outcome is the same from this end. I just fail to see what the big deal is.

This leads me to another point. Some people want entirely too much money for their used stuff. Go to a cloth diaper swap board, and you will see the best example of this ever. Now, I can understand charging a bit for a diaper if it's practically new, or a hard to find print, or an exceedingly popular brand, but I see some things that are just ridiculous. I mean, people who want $30 for a diaper that retails for $35, and isn't even in good condition. I see this all over Craigslist. "Carseat, great condition! Only $80!" News flash: "Great condition" doesn't imply the thing looks like it got stomped by Swamp Thing (which used baby gear often does look like), and charging $80 for a carseat that retails for $100 and is a year old is ridiculous. I wouldn't charge that for ours, which retail for WAY more than that, and are, in fact, in great condition (minus Orren's Radian, which is looking pretty rough lately).

I guess it comes down to if you want to sell the stuff or not. Baby and kid gear is NOT an investment. It does not appreciate in value. If you want something that does, buy a house, or gold bars, or really good stocks. Baby clothes are not considered part of a diverse portfolio.

You know, before the days of consignment shops, people used to just give their hand-me-downs away. Anyone remember that? That was the bomb shizzle. I got a bag of hand-me-downs for Orren, actually. I also recently gave some hand-me-downs of Erin's to a friend who's stationed back east. Consigning baby and kid clothes is a good thing to do as well, though. I was even talking with Thak about this last night. I was saying that as soon as the baby's born, and we know what gender's clothes we can get rid of, I'm going to take a ton of them to the consignment shop, and use the credit to buy Erin's school uniforms next year. (They sell school uniforms there, and we're going to be pretty short on cash when it comes time for back-to-school this year, so it'll help.) It'll also help if the baby's a girl and we can sell off a bunch of boy clothes, which they're always super short on, and get some girl clothes with the credit. It'll help a lot, especially in the sizes below 12 months, because we still have a bunch of clothes left over from Erin in sizes 12 months and up. We're going to be making good use of the consignment shop in the coming months, but at the same time, if the stuff we bring doesn't sell, what can we do? We'd just donate it anyway. What would we do? Hang onto it forever? That's crazy.

Pics

Here is something adorable. It's Orren helping plant beans. He did great, actually! He's a natural-born farmer!



Then here's our grass progress one month in. Remember, when we began, it was nothing but red dust out there. We're not quite to football field or golf course thickness on our grass, and this is the thickest part. Other parts still have to fill in some more, but it's coming along!

What is worse?

Holy crap, I'm going to hide under a rock until this baby is out. I hate hospital birth horror stories because they DO NOT APPLY to the home setting since the two are so diametrically different. Even so, no matter how much I tell people to stop with them, they just don't. People are real assholes to homebirthing families. That's one thing I've learned recently. Every sick baby they've ever heard of will become an argument against your choice. Every stupid thing some doctor ever did to them and then "saved" them from will become an argument as well. Fuckin a, people, you've got to stop this. I didn't say, "What do you think of homebirth?" (I know better than that.) I said, "I'm having a homebirth!" The former is an invitation for debate. The latter is not. Just like I don't tell you that you're crazy for birthing with these awful local OB's who are so intervention-happy it makes me want to scream, or for actually risking it at a hospital with a 60% c-section rate, I expect that you won't tell me that I'm completely nuts for birthing at home, drug-free, attended by a Certified Professional Midwife, not a doctor in sight.

Today was the kicker. There's a girl from this post who is currently living every parent's horror (which is why I'm not ripping her a new one for this. I'm the bigger person, and she's got enough on her mind right now.) Her baby was the one airlifted to Phoenix for open heart surgery. They had the surgery days ago, and the baby has not recovered well. If they can't find her a transplant within the next 24 hours, they're going to remove her from the machines, and honestly, short of a miracle, she's not going to make it. Like I said, every parent's nightmare. This girl said to me, "If I'd birthed at home, she wouldn't have lived 2 minutes."

That made me think. First of all, seriously? A one in ten billion heart defect is not grounds on which to make general decisions. That would be like treating every pregnant woman for the Ebola virus because hey, somewhere somebody might have it. Secondly, this case, if any, proves my point that hospital birth and a highly medical model of prenatal care DO NOT guarantee a healthy baby any more than a homebirth and a non-medical model of care do. This girl had an ultrasound at EVERY appointment, and somehow they didn't find this defect until the baby was born. When the baby was born, surrounded by doctors, all they could do was give oxygen (hey, they can do that at home, too, you know) and airlift her to civilization for surgery. Then some of the top surgeons in the world operated, and they kept her alive for a week with a gaping hole in her chest to let in the probes for the room full of million dollar machines required to bypass her heart and lungs, and at this point, unless a lot changes between here and tomorrow (and let's hope it does) she's STILL not going to live.

Even if what this mom said to me were true, that she wouldn't have lived 2 minutes at home (which it isn't true, actually), WHAT IS WORSE? 2 minutes with the family, at home, never out of physical contact from the people who love him/her, or whisked away the minute he/she is born, never to nurse, never to be held skin to skin by mommy and daddy, followed by 2 weeks "alive" on machines, so sedated he/she can't even open his/her eyes, and with a giant gaping hole in the chest that would be so painful if awake, that forgoing the sedation simply isn't an option. Is that 2 week life of pain and suffering REALLY better than 2 minutes, at home, with the family, fully lucid? To my way of thought, no. For my buck, gimme the 2 best minutes you've got and keep your 2 weeks of hell. Some people may disagree. That's fine. I'm not the one trying to make other people do things my way. I'm the one trying to do things my way, in peace.

Anyhow, the fact remains, a baby born with that exceedingly rare condition at home would have the same odds as a baby born with that condition in a hospital. They'd be given oxygen at birth when something didn't seem right, then transferred to the hospital for tests, which would reveal the problem. Then the course of action would be determined from there, from exactly the same playbook. So in all honesty, it's pretty unfair to say what would have happened at home when your understanding of homebirth is somewhere between nothing and exceptionally limited.

Yes, even with the events that have shaken this entire post over the past couple weeks, I am still homebirthing. I'm not afraid of what could happen. I am coming at this with my eyes wide open, with a healthy dose of respect and trust for the process. I am armed with the best and most current knowledge, and have the best people to help me. In the unlikely event that something goes horribly wrong, we will cross that bridge when we come to it, just like any other parent.

The view from here....

We're starting to get a little better feel for this private sector thing. It's not easy, but contrary to the belief of military wives never asked for their opinion and curmudgeonly in-laws whose opinion we didn't ask for either, we didn't expect that it would be. (Seriously, why do so many people think that others are incapable of making the distinction between "worthwhile" and "easy"?)

Thak's still interning until the end of the week when he'll have enough hours to call it done, and while he's interning, he's not making a lot of money. It's really ok. He'll get a raise next week, and we timed things in such a way that we could manage on this lesser pay for a while. Needless to say, we're not frequenting any restaurants these days, or taking any "just because" trips to New Mexico, and we're pretty relieved that our homebirth is paid off already, but we've got a roof over our heads, plenty of good food on the table, and the lights still come on when we flip the switch, so we can't complain.

Thak's job at BMW is everything he hoped it would be, maybe more. The shop is amazing. The cars are amazing. The people are cool. We can't ask for better. I mean, in these times of so much unemployment and people having to work outside their fields just to have a job, Thak is working in pretty much his dream shop. It's definitely no small thing. As with anything else, there are politics, and people have their quirks, but Thak is good at dealing with that kind of stuff, so he's fine. He's just trying to get a feel for everything right now. There are some people who are still on hourly pay despite being there for many months, and that kind of scared him/us for a little bit, until he realized that those are the people who just don't hustle like he does. Once he saw that the people who work like him aren't on hourly for long, that was a relief to us both. We know he'll be hourly for probably 3 months, but we're prepared to deal with that. Longer would be problematic, but seeing how it's gone for others in the shop who are similar in style to him, it seems like he should be flat rate (the way mechanics usually bill, where industry standard trumps the clock itself) before it becomes a real issue for us. There is also the fact that one of the people who's in charge doesn't necessarily like to give the more challenging jobs to newer people, even if they know how to do them. This was frustrating for Thak because he prefers the more challenging jobs, and is good at them, so he wants to be able to prove himself. The one who actually assigns the jobs understands this, though, and he kicks one in Thak's direction every now and again, as he can. The main thing is that we know it's important that Thak proves himself ready to go on flat rate and work on his own as soon as possible, and in order for that to happen, he can't just change oil and program new cars every single day. He has to have at least a little bit of chance to do the hard jobs and show them first hand that he can.

Luckily he IS getting that opportunity, which is actually somewhat uncommon for someone who's been there as short a time as he has. He'll move up before we know it. He's doing all the right things. He's been asked to come in pretty much every time the shop's open, and always gets out of work later than anticipated, which means he's working a lot more than 40 hours a week. It's not easy having only one-day weekends, but the cool thing about the private sector is that there's this magical little thing called overtime pay.

So is it perfect? No way. Had we not prepared for this, we'd have been really screwed when he got out of the Army. We definitely see why some people just come right back in after they get out. If you don't prepare really well for getting out, it won't work. We are pretty glad we did what we did. It was worth the two years of hard schedule for our family while he went to school and got ready to get a good job on the outside. It was worth every fun thing we didn't buy and every trip we didn't take so we could save up money in order to stay afloat while he gets established. It was worth not really taking leave for two years so we'd have a couple months of Active Duty pay while he finished school. We're going to succeed because we made smart decisions (even if they weren't easy decisions), and made it so. It's like we said all along, that we we know very well that nothing's guaranteed, but we knew we could give ourselves the best chance. So far, the best chance we could manage, has been good enough.

It's also amazing just how little we care about the whole military thing anymore. It all just seems so trivial. It's like, you don't have to live it anymore, and all the day to day crap just goes away. We've made some interesting observations about military people in general that we hadn't noticed while in the thick of it. It's pretty funny. That's a story for another day, though.

So many medications...

A strange thing I've noticed over the course of this pregnancy is that I am unable to talk in mixed company about how things are REALLY going. Well, I could I guess. The outcome of it is very annoying, though. We live in such a pill popping culture these days, that if anything is remotely wrong, everyone just wants a prescription for it, and that goes double during pregnancy.

Zantac for the heartburn
Ambien to sleep
some iron pill of some variety for the anemia (which was more than likely caused by the antacids in a lot of cases)
Tylenol 3 or Codene for the aches and pains
Zofran for the nausea

And that's barely the beginning. Are you kidding me? My whole thing is that none of these medications have existed for long enough for us to actually know the longterm effects on the baby. Taking that into account, why would anyone take these things in the first place? I don't.

Yes, I get heartburn even looking at food this time around. I couldn't get actual sleep if the fate of the free world depended on it. I'm fighting anemia. I have more aches and pains than I ever knew I could, AND I was nauseous for over half this pregnancy. Still, I dealt with it through diet and other non-pharmaceutical means. I'm still dealing with it. It isn't fun. I'm not going to tell you that, though, because you'll just tell me to run to a doctor and get some prescription, and honestly, nothing makes that seem like a good idea. Pain is temporary. Remembering that is the key.

FINALLY!!!

The onesies I ordered for the baby FINALLY shipped! We had been waiting for a month. I'd been super patient with the seller when they messaged me with reasons (er, excuses) for why they hadn't shipped yet, and timeframes that would just come and go, with no shipment. I was pretty well convinced that we were going to have a baby before we had this stuff for said baby to wear.

Well, this morning, I checked my Etsy account, and what do you know! It's shipped! Amazing! Maybe it'll even arrive sometime this presidential administration. That would be too freaking amazing, would it not?

Here is your lesson for today:

I'm so sick of everyone saying this baby has to be a girl because of the way I'm carrying him/her. I always point to the fact that I've carried all three pregnancies exactly the same way, and ask them to explain Orren, because he's definitely a boy.

The way a baby is carried has everything to do with the mom's body shape and composition, and absolutely nothing to do with the baby's gender. I'm generally of the thin persuasion. I'm not going to carry a baby low and wide. My body type would never produce that. I could have twins in there and STILL not carry in such a manner to make people think "boy". Although, if I did have twins, I can only imagine the comments I'd get, because as anyone who's generally on the small side, and has large babies can attest, toward the end, nobody ever believes there could be only one in there, and nobody's particularly shy about pointing that out.

I think it's just because I want the baby to be another boy, because it would honestly be so much more practical at this point, that it's just irritating that everyone I know is insisting that it's a girl, and for the stupidest reasons, too. No, I don't carry like this because it's a girl. I carry like this because of my body type. True story. I've never liked old wives' tales, urban legends, and the like.