Are you your camp, or are you just you?

A friend from a previous duty station blogged something this morning about how she gets no respect for her parenting practices. I'll just sum it up and say that to call this woman a little bit mainstream as far as parenting goes, is probably the understatement of the year. My philosophy on pretty much everything is diametrically different from hers, but she doesn't do anything that's just plain stupid (no cereal in bottles, discipline is age-appropriate) and her kids have thus far turned out better than most. There's no disputing that this friend from a previous duty station, is a very good mom, even if she does some things which you couldn't pay me enough money to do to my own kids.

Anyhow, her posting that she receives zero respect for her parenting style made me think. My knee jerk reaction was to think, "Yeah, ok.... I'm pretty sure the mainstream assholes who tell me I'm setting my kids up for failure, disease, social maladjustment, and an early grave because I DON'T do these mainstream things, leave you alone without a hitch." I honestly see a huge push in the alternative parenting community to be nice to the mainstream people because it doesn't accomplish anything to tell them how off base they are with a lot of the stuff they do. It's that whole "you catch more flies with honey" thing. There's been a major push toward that recently. Apparently this is not universal. I've never known this friend to be overly sensitive, or to lie, so this judgment IS happening to her. I believe that. The thing this made me think of, though, is, to what extent are we our views?

I'll elaborate. I honestly don't consider myself to walk around labeled with all the things I do. I'm not "Homebirthing-Intactivist-Breastfeeding-Cloth Diapering-Carseat Safety-Selective Vaccination-Charter School-Mom". I'm Anna. Similarly, I don't consider my friend who brought this up, "Hospital Birthing-Circumcising-Formula Feeding-Disposable Diapering-Carseat Safety-Fully Vaccinating-Public School-Mom". She's just herself. That's not to say it doesn't make me cringe when she, or someone like her, discusses doing something to their kids that I would never, in a billion years, do to mine (like piercing a baby girl's ears, or circumcising a son, or getting a ton of vaccinations all at once). I just don't tell THEM that. I figure they're parenting to raise their kids, not to please people like me. I'm surely not parenting for the pleasure of the audience. I'm doing what I do because it's scientifically proven to be best. They are doing what they're doing for whatever reason.

The problem is that there are people in every camp who do two completely asinine things, which would serve us all well by going away completely:

1) They reduce people to their labels. This is the root of all evil. Anyone who's ever been to high school knows that labels are crap, and that people are so much more than their labels. Think about how many people have gone back to their hometown after being gone for 10 or 15 years, and found that the class geek, or the class rebel, or that girl who wore stupid clothes and had frizzy hair, is actually kind of cool when you get to know them? How many times have we all heard this story? Like a ton, right? Hollywood has made billions off the idea that, at the end of the day, we are a lot more than our labels. People who insist on reducing everyone else to their parenting labels, and not looking at the big picture, please watch The Breakfast Club, take two beers, and call me in the morning if symptoms persist.

2) People think that everything is up for public debate. This is a direct byproduct of social networking, I think. Ten years ago, it wasn't like this. Ten years ago, these social networks did not exist, and people didn't live to debate minutia half to death. What's more, people saw people differently. People were people, not screen names and words. It's really easy to just rip someone apart when all they are to you is words. The problem is that this seems to have carried over into the outside world as well. I have noticed a change in societal attitudes on the whole when it comes to other people's choices, especially when it comes to parenting.

The best recent example I can think of as far as this change in attitude goes, was when I was at a coffee and some newbie wife asked if anyone had ever NOT taken a gestational diabetes test while pregnant, and if she really needed it. Well, I've never taken one, and I also happen to have done my homework on this, and know that there's really no reason for doctors and hospital based midwives to be giving these tests to everybody who walks through their door. Even ACOG doesn't recommend that. So pretty much, after everyone else regurgitated whatever line of crap their OB gave them for why they needed to take this test, I explained that it's every person's choice what tests they have and do not have done during pregnancy, and MY logic for not requesting a gestational diabetes test during any of my pregnancies. (Note, I said I did not request it. I never actually had to turn it down. None of my midwives have given this test routinely, and they didn't think I needed it either since they didn't recommend it to me.) The bottom line of my point of view on this is that it is every person's choice whether they take that test or not. I was not trying to get people to do things my way, or dissuade anyone from taking a test they thought was necessary. In fact, I said multiple times, "If it will put your mind at ease in any way to take this, or some other, test, then you should take it." I was very informative and non-judgmental. What response did I get? Torches and pitchforks would be an understatement. I ended up leaving because everyone was so hostile toward me, and kept telling ME what I needed to do differently, and how I'm endangering my kids, how my midwives should not be allowed to practice since they "let" people not care for their pregnancies "right", and stuff like that. It was proposed that I should lose my children because I have never undergone extensive prenatal testing, nor seen a doctor. Remember, I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind. I just said it was every person's choice what tests they did and what they didn't do, and to do their own research and figure out which ones they think apply to their own unique situation. I NEVER ONCE said "do it my way". I would never. My way is my way. But people are not quite people anymore, as it would seem, and my simple statement of fact was taken as an invitation to debate, and a verbal lynching. I had to leave, and I haven't spoken to any of those people since. You just don't treat people like that and get another chance.

The tendency to treat people the way I was treated in the above situation is a direct result of simplifying people to be less than human, and that's what the entire crux of this issue is. I'm NOT going to sit here and say "STOP THE JUDGING!!" because that's bullshit. The fact is, there are some choices that are supported by best practice, and others which are not, and I'm not going to actually condone subpar practices. I will always come at things from my own bias, and expect others to do the same. However, I also don't consider myself so omnipotent and all knowing that everybody wants to hear what I think of every single move they make. I may think someone's choices are completely idiotic, but NOTHING obligates me to tell them that. Why is it that so many have forgotten that?

What's more, people are people. They are not their views. Why is it so hard to remember that? Sure, it is great to know people who do things similarly to you. I would even say it's important, because I think it is a basic need that all people have to be heard and understood, and to not be treated like they're wrong all the time. At the same time, though, there's no way in hell every person you meet will do things exactly the same way as you do, so you've got to be a little accommodating of that, and at least not rip people new orifices for disagreeing with you. People are whole people, and can still be cool even if their parenting philosophy is completely different from yours. Seek out like-minded friends, yes, but don't rip apart people who are different. They probably didn't ask you what you thought in the first place.