Questioning is a one way street.

Have you ever asked a mainstream mom why she chose to do the things she chose to do? I mean, not in an accusatory way, but just, "Why did you consent to an induction?" "Why did you vaccinate on a traditional schedule?" "Why did you birth in a hospital?" "Why did you circumcise your son?" More times than not, if you ask these things, they will rip you a new orifice, usually including very false and accusatory things toward the other side of whichever issue it is. Then ask them what would happen if they didn't do those things, and most of the time, they stammer and reach for an answer that isn't there, because there is no real, scientifically proven, reason for them to do most of these things. Then they get defensive and nasty. We are not allowed to question mainstream moms.

The rest of us, though, we live for the questions. We know we're going to be questioned near constantly, and we have answers which are upheld by scientific fact, international recommendation, and plain old (un)common sense. I can, and gladly will, answer for every decision I've ever made that is considered alternative or controversial. I can tell you a million reasons why I do not birth in hospitals, why I have refused to consent to inductions no matter how "overdue" I was, why I vaccinate my kids selectively and on the Dr. Sears schedule, why I left my son's body whole, why my toddler rides rear-facing, why I use cloth diapers, and even why Orren's first food was homegrown squash rather than rice cereal.

The only decisions I CANNOT come up with a good reason behind, are the ones which would be considered mainstream. The one that REALLY jumps out at me was stopping breastfeeding Orren when Thak thought it was too hard and painful for me to continue. I own that decision for what it was, though. If anyone asks me why I did it, I tell them, "It was a stupid decision that I would not make again in retrospect." It was mainstream. There is no justification for it, and I'm not going to try to justify an inferior choice when it is so obvious to the entire world that it is inferior. It is far more intelligent to own it for what it is. The rest of these mainstream choices are just as baseless as that one, and that is why we're not allowed to question the people who make them, as to their logic. There is no logic behind it. Again, I've made inferior choices in the past. I can tell you, those choices come from a place of impulse, not of thought or logic.

I also find that this "no questioning" goes beyond the patients, all the way to the practitioners. The way I fell into the OB situation I had for the first few weeks of this pregnancy was by choosing a random name off my insurance's provider list because I needed a pap and my IUD removed. When that pap came back abnormal, I had to go in for more tests and treatments. Mid-way through that, I turned up pregnant (very surprisingly), and found this out via a routine test done in the office before a treatment that I later learned is unnecessary for something as minor as what I had. Upon seeing the positive pregnancy test, she said, "Oh, ok, well, we'll start you on prenatal appointments, then." and left the nurse with a long list of questions to ask me. I never got to ask her a thing. I have no idea what this doctor's c-section and induction rates are, or if she encourages natural birth, or what she considers risk factors, because I never got a chance to ask.

A few weeks later, when I met with Alyson to decide if it was a fit for us to work together on this birth, we walked into the main office at Casa, and she asked us what we wanted out of our birth experience. We told her that we wanted a very relaxed homebirth for our third and final baby, that we were looking for a midwife to help us achieve that. Then we discussed the details, and asked her what she looks for in a client, just to make sure we were a fit for her, because by then it was obvious that she was a fit for us. She told us a few things, and it was obvious by then that it was a good arrangement, so we scheduled an appointment, and have been happily rocking along ever since.

At my appointments, Alyson asks me how things are going, and if I'm doing well in general, checks the things that need to be checked (blood pressure, baby's heart rate, etc), then we just talk. I ask her about stuff that has come up for me, like when my probiotics were making me nauseous (she told me how to better time my doses, and I haven't had that problem since), and when I should begin taking a tincture of Yellow Dock to prevent anemia from developing. It is a very mutual and beneficial exchange, and I think it is necessary to have that because by the time I have this baby, I will really know Alyson very well and she will know me well, and having that, she will be able to support our birth a little better, and I will be able to trust her in that a little better, than if only one of us had gotten to ask any questions and get to know the other. I think this is part of the reason so many don't have normal births these days. How are you supposed to do that when the idea is that you put all your trust in a virtual stranger? I couldn't do it. I find that birth only works when it's with people you know, who know you, too.


There's a great quote that says, "The unexamined life is not worth living." And Peggy O'Mara, editor in chief of Mothering Magazine did a great editorial on that as it applies to parenting, birth, and things thereof, and the idea was that when we don't question, we fall into horrible traps. I find this to be true in my own life. When I question, good things come of it. Every time I ask a question, I learn something, and therefore I know more than I did before I asked. When you know more, you do better. I have also found that those who do not want to be asked questions do not generally have your best interest in mind. I served in the Army. That's where I learned that.

Question. It may save your life someday. It will at least make you smarter in the meantime. Also, don't be afraid to BE questioned by others. You can make someone else smarter by answering. Don't be stingy with knowledge. You know it's not worth a damn if you don't pass it along. Questioning should never be a one way street. That is how ignorance takes a firm foot hold. Nobody wants that.