My best is good enough.

If you look in the post below this one, you will see a bottle of pumped breastmilk. That's Chai's food right there. He doesn't nurse. None of my kids have nursed for longer than a week. That shocks a lot of people because I know a lot about breastfeeding, academically anyhow. I know every hold there is, the difference between a good latch and a bad latch, and all that other good stuff that everyone needs to know in order to succeed. I've gotten help from lactation consultants, midwives, nurses, and even friends. I know how beneficial it is to breastfeed. I know how evil formula companies are. I've seen all the documentaries, read all the books, and have even joined in on letter writing campaigns to get local hospitals and doctors to stop giving out formula samples, especially to moms who want to breastfeed.

I believe in breastfeeding. I know it's best. I totally respect moms who do it well, especially those who do it beyond one year. I am not those people, though. Despite strong efforts, I have never succeeded. Right now, 10 days in, with pumped milk and a little formula (but mostly pumped milk), is as close as I have ever been to breastfeeding successfully. I have fought hard, but there is always that thing in the back of my mind that says I should have fought harder, that I could have made it work, that the pain was temporary and that I could have done better. That has to go. At some point, my best has to be good enough.

Chai is healthy. He's big and strong and absolutely beautiful. Right now, he's sleeping beside me, smiling as he dreams. He's perfect. He prefers breastmilk to formula, and it kind of makes me feel bad to give him formula when I have to because I know he doesn't like it as much, but he's still ok. Erin and Orren are every bit as perfect as he is, and they didn't even get nearly as much breastmilk as he has so far. Even if I just gave Chai formula, he'd be fine. I can do better than that, though, and so I am. Because I have a good pump this time, I can give him real milk as much as possible, and every bit counts.

This is the downfall of being a research-based parent. I have studied everything half to death, and know beyond a doubt what the best-practice answers to the big parenting questions are. This is a great asset until faced with a situation where MY best isn't the same as THE best. This breastfeeding thing has so far been my Achilles Heel as a parent. The thing is, I'd wager everybody's got one. At some point, our best has to be good enough, as long as it is the result of an honest effort. That is easier said than done, of course, but it is still necessary.

And now, here's a pic of Chai.... right at this moment. Isn't he beautiful?