Here's what you really need to know.

A lot of my friends here are just beginning, or about to begin, their first deployments. It always shocks me that there exist soldiers who haven't been deployed before, but they do exist, and we know a bunch of them. It is what it is. Anyhow, in this time of predeployment and beginning of deployment strangeness (that's really the only way I can think to put it), the same old cliches are swirling, people are short tempered, and everyone thinks they have the right way. I have been through more Army bullshit than most people I know, including multiple deployments, and never once did my husband just fill a slot on a FOB. He was always sent to the most God Forsaken, dangerous, make the news every night, type of places that there were. I watched on TV as my brand new boyfriend (who later became my husband) invaded Iraq in an unarmored truck. When they stepped up the efforts to calm the turbulent Anbar Province a couple years later, Thak was there. When they called for a troop surge on Baghdad, Thak was there again, and when soldiers went missing from a FOB south of Baghdad, Thak was part of a team that went forward ahead of the brigade, to help the efforts to look for them in the most volatile part of Iraq at that point in time. He has driven bomb-riddled streets, lived on FOBs nicknamed "The Shooting Gallery" because the mortars rained night and day, and earned the Bronze Star at the rank of Sergeant. This is only to say, when it comes to deployment street cred, we have earned every bit, and earned it hard. Short of catastrophic injury and death, there is nearly nothing we haven't been through. I'm about to tell you, from this perspective, what you REALLY need to know.

1) Anyone can do this.

I don't know why military wives always act like they're a stronger breed than others. It's so not true. We're just people, no different than any other. Acting like it takes a stronger individual to live this life only sets people up to be scared that they can't do it. I'm telling you right now, ANYONE can do this. We don't do this because we are stronger than other people. We do this because we have no choice. Never once in my life did I dream of watching the man I love invade a country on TV. Never did I wish for a husband who would have to do something so great that he was awarded a medal that most soldiers his rank are only awarded if they die. I never once thought to myself that it would be nice to send my husband off to war every other year for the first five years of our marriage. I did it, though, because our country asked it of Thak, and he asked it of me, and if you know me, you know there's really nothing in this world I wouldn't do for Thak. I am not stronger than you. I did it because I had to. Now you have to, and I know that you can. There's not a single doubt in my mind that you will make it through this. If I can do it, anybody can. Certainly, you can.

2) You know how to do it.

The most common question asked of military wives may be "How do you do it?!" especially when it comes to deployments. This question comes as much from rookie wives to senior wives, as it does from civilians to all military wives. There's really no answer, though. For every cliche pearl of wisdom that every military wives' book, website, blog, and organization will spout off relentlessly, the fact is, they're all crap at the end of the day. You've got to do what works for you, and the only way to know what works for you is to just live it, and do what feels right. Short of cheating on your husband, blowing all his money, and dealing crack, there's really no wrong way to get through a deployment. DO NOT, whatever you do, get bogged down in the details. I got through Thak's deployments in ways that all the experts regularly tell people are a recipe for disaster, but it's what worked for me. Here's the bottom line. The experts don't know jack about my marriage, nor about yours. Do what it occurs to YOU to do, not what some book tells you to do. The military loves one-size-fits all solutions. Marriage is not a one-size-fits-all thing. Know this, and do deployment your way. Anyone who tells you that you're wrong needs to find another tree to bark up. I'm telling you that as long as your way isn't harming anybody, then it's the right way.

3) Consider the source.

Rumors always fly before and during deployments. Some are true, some are not. The way to figure out what's what, is to use common sense (if it sounds too good, or too bad, to be true, it probably is), and CONSIDER THE SOURCE. If the person who told you the rumor (or their husband) is below the rank of Master Sergeant, take it with a grain of salt unless they can cite a reputable source (ie, briefing from the Battalion Commander, Army Times article, speech given by Secretary of Defense, etc.). I will tell you that every unit that has ever deployed has had a few certain rumors that always go around:

-No R&R
-18 month deployment
-Different location than originally intended

If you hear any of these, just brush it off, especially if it's some low ranking person telling it to you. The fact is, most of the time, people who are in a position to know these things are also in a position to call a meeting and brief people on them, so if you didn't hear it in a briefing, it's probably not true.

As far as the other kind of rumors, the ones about whose wife is doing what, just please don't even think of paying one moment's attention to that kind of garbage. Having been on the receiving end of that sort of thing before, I have no tolerance for it, and no benevolence toward people who engage in it. Nothing will tear apart a unit faster than these kinds of rumors, and why would you ever want to rake someone's marriage over the coals during a time that's bound to be difficult anyway? People who do that stuff really suck at life. You are better than that. Act like it.


4) Don't get scammed.

There is nothing more dangerous to a a soldier's bank account than a wife with a Power of Attorney and a distinct lack of knowledge of military-related scams. I was a soldier before I was a wife, so I received the briefings on these things. I'm very glad I did. Because I know how to recognize a scam, I was able to avoid some bad situations, and help other wives to do the same. Here are a few things to know about scams:

-Just because the envelope says "military" or "Army" on it, does not mean it's official business. In fact, most of the time, it's not. If you're unsure, take it to the Battalion HQ and ask one of the NCO's on Rear-D what it is. They will gladly help you figure out what it is. These scammers get your money by posing as official military entities, when really, they're just scammers.

-The military will NEVER bill you for your benefits by mail or phone. The life insurance is deducted from his pay directly. Most scams concern life insurance.

-If his rank is wrong on the envelope, you can pretty much bet it's a scam.

-The military will NEVER need your credit card number. EVER.

5) Get financial stuff sorted out beforehand.

This is not a PC thing to say, but if you know me, you know I am not a PC person. If your husband is below the rank of Sergeant, I guarantee the majority of his buddies are single. That means they don't have families to support back home. That means your husband is hanging out with a lot of guys who can spend a metric shit load of money on whatever they want, with absolutely no consequence. Video games, flat screen TV's, computers, expensive cigars... you name it, and it's sold on every FOB you can think of in Iraq and Afghanistan, and boy do soldiers ever partake!! If most of your husband's friends are single, he's going to be watching them acquiring all this stuff, turning their tiny rooms into the ultimate man caves, and he's going to want it, too. He'll get it in his head that he deserves it, if they can have it so can he, and whatever else they get to thinking after they've been gone a while, and before you know it, your debit card is getting declined at the commissary, and you have to figure out how to feed you and the kids for the next two weeks on the $10 he left you in the bank. I've seen it more times than I can count.

To prevent this kind of thing, you absolutely need to set a budget for what he can spend each paycheck, and do it BEFORE he goes so that you both understand it well. Be realistic. No, he doesn't need much money. He could technically make it just fine with $20 a month for haircuts and little else, but that's just bad for morale, so throw him a bone. We always agreed that Thak could have $100 per paycheck, and if he needed more, he needed to consult me first to be sure it was there. He almost never spent his full $100, but sometimes he did. Sometimes he saved it up for a few months and bought something big... like sapphire earrings for his awesome wife! But the idea is, set a budget you both can agree on. That way, he'll stick to it. And do it in advance so everyone understands it from the start, and mini-disasters are averted.

This also goes for anyone whose husband, of any rank, was single during his previous deployments. I will never forget the first time Thak called me from Baghdad during his second tour, and informed me that he was buying a laptop. After all, it was only $800 and his combat pay would surely cover it. Sounds innocent enough, but here's the wrinkle. I had just received notification that day that his pay was messed up, and me and Erin had $20 to live off of for the next two weeks. The LAST thing you want to hear while dealing with that is that your husband thinks he needs an $800 laptop. So basically, our first phone call of that deployment consisted of me telling him that he most certainly was not buying a laptop, and him pouting. Nobody wants to spend their first phone call like that. Get this stuff sorted beforehand, and be happier than I was that day.

6) He probably isn't cheating.

I don't know why the entire world seems obsessed with telling wives of deployed soldiers that their husbands are probably cheating on them. Similarly, the world seems to tell soldiers that there's no way their wives could possibly be faithful. This is all a giant crock. Most people don't cheat. The ones who cheat on deployment are generally the same ones who cheat at home. If you're not married to a scumbag, then you're fine, and should have confidence when you tell the naysayers to take a long walk off a short pier. Do not ever let mean comments from people in no position of knowing, ruin your day or chip away at your confidence. Sometimes they come from all angles, but even then, brush them off and remember that nobody knows your husband like you do.

7) Soldiers are not mushrooms. They do not do better when kept in the dark.

I hated that episode of Army Wives this past season where Claudia Joy had surgery and never told General Holden about it. (I always wondered why they didn't mention him noticing her scar. Guess the writers forgot about that.) Anyhow, the point is, some people think soldiers do better when anything that's not pure sunshine and rainbows is just kept from them until they return home. I'm speaking in general here, but I have never met a soldier who agreed with that. Ever. Not one. Ask your husband before he leaves, what he wants you to do in situations like that, if he'd want to know everything that's going on at home, good and bad, or if he'd rather you wait to tell him bad things until he gets home. Agreeing on your approach to this stuff beforehand will save you a lot of trouble down the road, and avoid nasty homecoming surprises.



In all, the point is, you can do it. You will do it. It's not like you have much of a choice. It's not fun. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier, because it doesn't. I'm not going to tell you it's for a higher purpose or the greater good, because when you're in the thick of it, that doesn't matter. I am, however, going to tell you that I'm here, and I understand. My house is a wreck, but I cook well, and I usually have beer in my fridge, so come on over if you're having a bad day. I can probably make you feel a little better, and I'll never tell you that you're doing it wrong. You're going to be just fine. I promise.