Crying it out...

The controversial parenting issue that seems to have its grip on Ft. Bliss lately is letting babies cry it out (CIO). I have friends on both sides of this thing, but have managed to stay out of most of the big arguments about it. Some people are no longer friends with each other because of this thing, though. It's insane how it's gotten this week especially.

Let me state my official stance right now. CIO sucks when used on a baby (as opposed to a toddler). No words minced, no bones about it, this is possibly one of the worst things a parent could ever do when it comes to day-to-day stuff. There's a lot of research into what exactly being made to CIO does to a baby, and let's just say this isn't something that's going to help anybody raise a smart and well adjusted person.

I am absolutely sickened to hear someone say their 6-week-old is "manipulating" them, and needs to just cry it out, or that they "only" use CIO from 2 months on, or that since their 4-month-old doesn't sleep through the night without waking up for a feeding, they're going to start letting them CIO. Holy crap, seriously? Have these people ever read anything at all about babies, and how they grow and develop? These ages are way too young to be made to sleep through the night. Orren actually took at least one night feeding every night until he was about 10 or 11 months old. Now at 2, he usually sleeps through the night. The only time he wakes up is if he's scared, and that's pretty rare.

With that said, it's not entirely horrible to let an over tired toddler fuss a little when you're putting him/her down for a nap that he/she really needs, but doesn't at all want. This happens, and honestly, I've tried to find a way around just letting him fuss when it happens, but nothing else really works. I wouldn't let him fuss for more than 5 minutes, though. He always falls asleep before that.

The bottom line is that a toddler is vastly different from a baby. A 6-week-old or few months old baby cannot tell you why they're crying, and they only cry because they need something. A toddler, like Orren for example, can tell you exactly why he's crying. If you ask him what's wrong, he may say "scared", or "drink", or "potty". Then you can deal with what he needs. If he just screams "NO!!" when you ask him what's wrong, well, then you know it's just an overtired toddler who needs a nap. Toddlers are pretty easy to figure out if you actually listen to them. Babies, not so much, but the one thing that's true of babies is that they are definitely not manipulative. It logically follows that babies have no business crying it out. This is common sense.

I will also say to the pro-CIO crew, nobody is saying that your kids are going to turn out retarded. Nobody is accusing you of raising the next generation of criminals. All anyone is saying is that you are using a parenting practice that has been proven time and time again to be less than beneficial, and has no grounds in common sense. I will also say that your allegations that kids who did not cry it out will be too attached to their parents are false. Some say that it makes them impossible to send to school when they get older, that they'll never be independent. Have you ever met Erin? (They have all met Erin.) She never cried it out, and is probably the most sociable kid I know, other than her friend Lilly who never cried it out either. In fact, I've hardly met an attachment parented kid who wasn't extremely well adjusted. Orren is a little shy, but that's just his personality. When he gets to know someone, he really does come out of his shell. Thak was the same way when he was a kid, according to everybody. NOT using CIO has been shown to give kids more confidence because they know that when they need something, someone's going to do it for them. They know they aren't alone. Therefore they know they're valued inherently, and are more confident in general because they are better able to trust people.

Finally, I'll also offer this pretty olive branch. Most of the moms I know who are fans of CIO only have babies or toddlers. They haven't really made it over the parenting hump yet. I would say that once a child reaches pre-k age, life gets so much easier. They're out of the toddler phase, they're going to school, starting to do a lot on their own, and parenting is more about guiding a person who understands what the hell you're saying to them than it is about deciphering cries, toddler babble, and nonverbal cues, to figure out what someone who's either entirely nonverbal, or only a little bit verbal, needs from you. It is less frustrating on a day to day basis once you get to that preschool stage. When Erin was little, I remember how it seemed like the baby/toddler phase would last forever, and with Erin's delays, it did last longer than it does with most kids (Orren has shown me this, actually.) When I look back on it now, though, it really wasn't that long. Now she's going to turn 8 in a few months, goes to school, does ballet, and likes Justin Bieber. Seriously. That baby/toddler phase flew by. I see also with Orren how fast it's gone by. He's already 2 years old. He just potty trained. He's speaking in small sentences. He sleeps through the night. It seems like yesterday that he came into the world on his own terms, under those tall Georgia pines (I love that part because his name means pine tree). There is no need to rush these things. I know that when all you have is little kids, babies and toddlers especially, it seems like it will last forever, but when the first of them hits school age, you will realize that it doesn't, and that there is no rush to make them grow up faster than they are supposed to. Every child sleeps through the night eventually. Letting them come to this on their own terms is really not such a bad thing. I know it's tiring while in that moment, but when that moment passes, you will be shocked how fast it went by. Be patient. Don't make them cry it out. Just let them grow up in their own time. I promise they all do.