I've been trying to think of how to put this...

I've attempted to write this several times. It never comes out right or gets my point across clearly. Hopefully it will this time.

These past couple weeks since we announced our pregnancy and our homebirth plans, have been something we could never predict. My parents and brothers-in-law congratulated us, as did a couple of friends. We also got our share of foul and ugly comments about how we're putting Chaiyo/Sirikit's life at risk. Along with that, some people wondered why I don't just do another birth center birth. By and large, there has been a lot of silence, though. That's the part that surprised me. I was expecting the ugly comments. I can debunk every myth they stem from with facts. (Nobody decides to homebirth without doing tons of research on it first. A byproduct of that is that when the naysayers are mean to us, we can rebut everything they say with facts.) I wasn't expecting the silence from the majority of our friends, though, and I will say also, it kind of stings, which I wasn't expecting either.

Nobody homebirths for societal approval. That would make as much sense as becoming a transvestite for societal approval. In either case, it involves going strongly against the societal norms, and nobody realistically expects that people in general will like that. That's the logical side. The human side is that I'm having a baby, and I wish people were happy for me. I see how these very people gush over our hospital birthing friends, and how they have absolutely nothing to say to me, and it isn't very nice. In all honesty, while the nasty comments are, well, nasty, I almost prefer them to the silence of friends, because every homebirth resource from books, to websites, to every midwife on the planet, will arm you to the teeth with resources for how to deal with naysayers, but I don't know what to do with the silence.

Again, the bottom line is, I'm having a baby, and I want people to be happy for me just like anyone else would want. I understand that people don't understand why I'd want this, but if they ask, I'll tell them. I understand that the way I have managed my pregnancies, my births, and even my babies, differs from most all of my friends, and people do not understand. The vast majority of mainstream pregnancy, birth, and parenting practices are foreign and strange to me, but I am still nice to those who engage in them. I give them better than silence.

I wonder if they realize what a stretch it is for me to give them the same courtesy I wish they'd give me sometimes. Hospital birth pictures, which people bandy about constantly, literally send me into a partial panic attack. I break out into a cold sweat, my heart pounds, and I want to run away screaming. They bring back the absolute worst memories of my life, and that is putting it very mildly. These people would regard my birth with Erin as great. Successful. Outstanding. Their joyous occasion is identical to my daytrip through hell. I smile, try to act like it doesn't bother me, and tell them that their drugged up baby with the totally unnecessary gunky ointment in its eyes, is adorable, even though my mind is yelling, "Holy crap, that poor kid." I have no idea why anyone would voluntarily subject their baby to that, but I'm nice to those who do. I still give them better than silence.

Sometimes it's good not to put your own issues off on other people. I try hard to check my bad memories (or as midwives and doulas call it, "birth trauma") at the door when I deal with mainstream moms, and I wish these silent people would do the equivalent, and check their fear and perceived inadequacies at the door when it comes to me. I cannot visit a new mom in the hospital. That would be too much. I know my limitations. Similarly, I would never expect any of these people to come over and bring me Gatorade when I'm mooing and writhing my way through transition at home. (Although I really do love Gatorade during labor!) You can be nice without stepping into territory that just feels wrong to you. It's a line I've been walking for some time now. I wish others would learn it, too. It makes life easier.

Now, I also want to talk about a few other things, because I think a lot of people really don't understand what we're doing here. I don't think many people understand the nuts and bolts of homebirth, so to speak. (Ha! Nuts and bolts! Well... I am a mechanic's wife!)

I've been asked a lot why I don't just do another birth center birth. Good question! No, really, that's one of the best things I've been asked, and it brings to light something I've noticed, which I'll get to in a minute. The reason we are doing a homebirth this time, instead of an encore of our wildly successful and awesome birth center birth, is because the second biggest thing I learned from Orren's birth, is that I work the best on my own turf. I did fine at the birth center, but I did WAY better at home. I really found the car ride to be distracting, and trying to labor somewhere that wasn't home just wasn't that great for me, if I'm fully honest about it. We also stayed home until the very end, so it really didn't matter how focused or unfocused I was at the birth center. Orren was coming, ready or not. It would have been better for me to stay home, though. That's why we're planning a homebirth this time. (Do you wonder what the first biggest thing I learned from Orren's birth? That I CAN DO IT!!)

The thing that this birth center question brings up for me is that it seems like there is the widely held opinion that going somewhere to give birth is inherently safer than staying at home. This is simply not true. I challenge anyone who thinks a birth center birth is more high-tech than a homebirth, to tour a birth center, ask about all the equipment they have there, and then call a homebirth midwife, and ask her what she brings to every birth. You will find that it's exactly the same stuff. Essentially, if I decided to do a birth center birth again, the same midwife would have the same equipment on hand when she assisted the same mom to birth the same baby, and this all would take place in a little pink house in Central. For a homebirth, it will take place in a little white house in East-Central. Do you see that the difference is nearly nothing when it comes to the process itself? It just allows me to remain on my own turf, where I work better, and saves me from taking the most painful car ride on the planet... the ride to the birth center late in labor. Between homebirth and birth center birth, there is no difference in safety, procedure, or equipment... in my case, even the midwife is the same.

I also must reiterate to everyone that homebirth is safe. Please stop telling me your horror stories about how your baby would have died if you'd been at home. Don't you know that most of these things you think are such life threatening emergencies are things (not even problems, but things) that are easily managed by any trained midwife? A cord around the neck is not a life threatening emergency. Did you know also, that the vast majority of the truly life threatening emergencies are the result of the interruption of the natural birth process by interventions you never would have had, if you did not birth in a hospital? It's true. That's not to say that bad things don't happen during homebirths sometimes. Surely they do. Really, though, in today's hospitals, with unnecessary c-sections rampant, medical errors prevalent, and interventions (all of which carry their own set of risks) at an all-time high, the World Health Organization has deemed that it may even be SAFER for low-risk women to deliver their full-term babies at home, than it would be in a hospital. For proof, look to The Netherlands. They have one of the lowest rates in the world of maternal/fetal mortality and morbidity. Their moms and babies fare way better than us Americans. 33% of their babies are born at home. Compare that with 1% of American babies. If homebirth were a guaranteed disaster in the making, why is it working so well for the Dutch?

One last thing. I am making a stand now, reserving the right to permanently and irrevocably cut anyone out of my life who says or implies, that it is not my top priority to have a healthy baby, because if it was, I'd be doing it in a hospital. For one, how dare you? Do you really think there is a parent on the face of the earth who puts their baby's health as anything but top priority? For another, I am planning a homebirth BECAUSE it is my top priority to have a healthy baby. If I did a hospital birth, I would be at Las Palmas (yes, the hospital all the military wives salivate over for their giant delivery rooms with the designer furniture and hardwood floors...) That place has nearly a 50% c-section rate, and nearly a 90% induction rate. Let me tell you what that means for the health of the baby. C-section ups the risk of death (yeah, not illness or injury, but death) for mom and baby, by 400% when compared with vaginal delivery. Now, induction ups the risk of c-section by 40%. So basically, let's review. If you birth at a hospital, you are at high risk of being induced. If you are induced, you are at high risk of having a c-section. If you have a c-section, you and your baby are at increased risk of death. Sounds like pretty much the opposite of a recipe for a healthy baby to me. However, I'm not accusing you of not having it as top priority to have a healthy baby. I'm not stooping to your level, and I also understand that most American moms of today don't feel the need to look any farther than what the mainstream medical establishment puts out. (Should you feel the need to someday, though, please read any pertinent publication from the World Health Organization. I guarantee you will never look at birth the same way again.)

Basically, it's been an interesting few weeks, and it's never been this way before. With Erin, we were planning a birth center birth, and people were cool with that. Of course, in Gainesville, that is a very common thing to do. With Orren, we also did the birth center thing (successfully that time!) and people mostly just didn't understand what the hell it was. I think they thought a birth center was part of a hospital until they saw our pictures from after the birth. This time, though, we are not in a place where homebirth is popular, and there is no ambiguity to the term. While a birth center can be anything from a house where midwives deliver babies, to a misnamed maternity ward (yes, a lot of hospitals are naming their L&D floors "birth centers" now), homebirth is exactly what it sounds like. People reel at the possibility. It seems foreign and strange, and like something no woman in her right mind would do, because anything must be safer than that, right? If you really look into it, though, maybe you'll see that I'm not as crazy as you think. Even if you still think it's crazy, though, the fact remains, I'm having a baby, and that is a happy occasion. It would be amazing if I could be treated as well as my hospital birthing peers are by everyone, including me. I understand that you don't know what I'm talking about, but if I find something I just have to have for my homebirth kit, and I tell you about it, can you at least say "cool" or something? At the end of the day, it comes down to common courtesy, and seeing past the details to the point of it all. We are having a baby. Isn't that great??